Flora Report post Posted May 8, 2007 Ben (aged 10) has always had a problem with the appearance of people... for instance, in year 3 he wasn't happy at school because his teacher wasn't pretty! He likes pretty girls or women with high pitched voices; anyone with a deep or gravelly voice and/or not blessed with natural prettiness (for want of a better way of putting it ) he avoids like the plague! That was fine while we could keep it between ourselves... but lately he's taken to making these comments in public... allbeit muttered on passing, but still fairly public.... For instance today, we went shopping after school and we walked passed a 'large' lady and her two 'large' children... and he said.... 'I can't stand fat ugly kids' The problem is, I was so taken aback that before I could even think about what he'd said I'd burst out laughing! Now it's not that I find it particularly funny, but I have a habit of laughing at inappropriate things or at inappropriate times. I explained that it wasn't nice to say, but he said 'but they are fat,and they are ugly'! I then went on to explain about hurting people's feelings and he was devastated and then came out with this long story that the HT had told the school about a boy who'd been picked on so had killed himself... He was distraught that he might be one of those kids who might cause someone to feel that bad enough to commit suicide and it took ages to calm him down. He's a really sensitive (touchy?) soul and not in any way a bully so I didn't want to make him feel so bad about it. I thought maybe he was just commenting literally on what he saw, except the caviat being the words 'I can't stand....' sort of makes that unlikely. Anyone had this with their kids? How do I deal with it without making him feel bad about himself? Or am I being overly sensitive? I'm really stuck on this one! Flora Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted May 8, 2007 Hi flozza - I may be barking up completely the wrong tree, but i seem to recall hearing almost exactly that phrase on tv at some point over the weekend(?) Can't for the life of me remember what it was, but is it possible he was repeating something he heard that was (in the context in which he heard it) supposed to be funny? Either way, it sounds as though the chat you've had has helped him to realise the possibly hurtful implications of what he said (though he may not be able to generalise that), so maybe that's enough for now? If similar things occur again, you could try approaching it as a 'social story', so it's not specifically about him. The other thing I would consider is that other people who overheard him might not respond anywhere near as sensitively as you would - so in that respect better coming from you even if it does feel harsh. L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted May 8, 2007 J is so open with people it can place him in a real predicament, I cant display what he has said because he has done it with no intent to hurt the person, he hasnt understood the reactions when they have been upset. I think that it can be really hard for them because they say what others wouldnt. that can land them in a lot of trouble. JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bambi Report post Posted May 8, 2007 T does this, he will shout at someone if they smell (nice or not) or if they are large in size 'she/he is fat' and pointing! and thats when i want the ground to swallow me up! He is very loud and doesnt understand he cant just say things like that, T says what he wants a lot of the time, no consideration for others at all. Bambi x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted May 8, 2007 B tends to tell it like it is...pc or not. He once asked a boy at school ' Why is your mum so fat?' and the boy was very upset. His mum was a 22+, so to B it was a logical, unemotional enquiry, along the lines of ' Why is your hair blue?' that he asked a Brighton punk a year or two ago. He knows that some of the things he does and says annoy people, and he often doesn't know why, so he has always looked to me as an interpreter. He recognises the hand signal that means stop now, don't talk, and I will explain when we are on our own. I explain clearly and without euphemisms, and I don't get cross. Once he understands, then I expect him to try and remember...and often he does. He doesn't have much empathy as such, but he's learning how to refrain from personal comments about people...slowly. He used to stare at details that interested him, which was disconcerting if it was on a person! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted May 8, 2007 OK heres one of my most embarrassing moments.... buying trainers with J (always a minefield, no? All that interaction) when he was about 10, the girl serving us was a bit, um, "sporty", he said, I cant tell if its a man or a woman. I gave him my "shut up, NOW" look, and he said, well I really cant. So I bought a pair of expensive trainers just to get out of the place, & lost it big time with him, stormed off down the high st with him running after me, shouting, I'm sorry I said that APPALLING thing! I wouldnt speak to him for the rest of the day, not cos he'd said it in the first place but because he ignored my warning look when he knew full well what that meant. Tell you what though, he never did it again. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted May 8, 2007 My NT daughter calls the look ' Mum's thousand yard stare' It's apparently a reference to sniper fire that she picked up from her Grandfather. We know the look well! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted May 8, 2007 My NT daughter calls the look ' Mum's thousand yard stare' It's apparently a reference to sniper fire that she picked up from her Grandfather. We know the look well! Yup... its a bit like this innit? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rainbow queen Report post Posted May 9, 2007 my son also will make coments hes 6 in june many a time i have wished to be invisable Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted May 9, 2007 Hi My son is 5 and has AS. He definitely makes a bee-line for people that are different in some way - ie people that are Chinese, Asian, physically disabled, have Down Syndrome, etc. He also makes comments about people being fat/thin, etc. Fact is, I don't think he means to be unkind, that's just how he sees them. Caroline. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
allsetuk Report post Posted May 9, 2007 my son is five and i have a running commentary on people whever we go ...if he sees a large person he will say in no uncertain whispered tones "WHOH DID U SEE THAT !!! " or theres a china girl ....or mummy why has that man got long hair when he sees a non feminine looking woman ...he has strong ideas on whats right or wrong with regards womens make up and he will stand and argue that the "man is wearing a skirt ..why ?? " it is really hard not to laugh .....but it isnt funny and i have to explain we are all different and equal .....my son also has a MASSIVE interest in who knows more than him .....knowlege wise, he cant bear the thought of anyone knowing more info than him ...if i tell him to shsssh he will say no no no but i really have to tell you something also does anyone else have experience of their children blurting out inappropriate stuff like "why are you showing the world your underpants , or bottoms willies etc "....when they meet new people or are in a situation they cant handle ...or flap and do something silly...when they know all eyes on them ?? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted May 9, 2007 An embarassing moment ... My father-in-law was on the bus with my son Robert. A Chinese chap sat in front of them and Robert leant forward and asked him if he was sleepy! OMG! Caroline. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleW Report post Posted May 9, 2007 A bit like when I took J to my ante-natel appointment a few years ago. I was being poked around by an asian consultant. J says to her "you have dirty hands", me, not realising what he was meaning said back to J " I'm sure your hands are dirtier" and then it suddenly dawned on me! I didn't say anything else in case I said something to make things worse!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
car2 Report post Posted May 10, 2007 (edited) After a trip to the chemist last week Daniel was stood with me waiting to be served when he shouted at the top of his voice "mum look at that old lady behind us her face is all dried up!!!" I did find it amusing but at the same time I wanted the ground to swallow me up! The lady he was refering to was only in her 50's but had a well weathered face (little bit wrinkly). He also saw a baby of about 8 months with very fair skin and asked his mother why he had so many veins in his head! Yes the veins were prominant but needless to say the mother was not impressed. We have now had a discussion about hurting peoples feelings but now when I say "dan how do I look?" he replies "mummy I don't want to hurt your feelings..............." caroline Edited May 10, 2007 by car2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted May 10, 2007 A bit like when I took J to my ante-natel appointment a few years ago. I was being poked around by an asian consultant. J says to her "you have dirty hands", me, not realising what he was meaning said back to J " I'm sure your hands are dirtier" and then it suddenly dawned on me! I didn't say anything else in case I said something to make things worse!! Ohhhh, thats reminded me J did that years ago, to our friend who's Afro-Caribbean. He noticed his pale palms with pigmentation lines & said, dirty, I wanted the ground to open up & swallow me, luckily our friend wasnt offended & thought it funny. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
av16 Report post Posted May 10, 2007 My son is 10 and is very like this- he has a particular thing about accents. In Yorkshire 2 years ago he said 'what have you brought me here for you know I hate Scottish people'. This was said in a very loud voice followed by a big strop- awful. He has reduced the comments out loud but they still happen. Any health professionals we come across are named according to their appearance- 'boot-nose', 'big teeth' etc. Sometimes it is hard not to laugh but it can be soo embarrassing! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KateBall Report post Posted May 10, 2007 My son even did it in sign language - We were sat next to this very big man once and he pointed to him and made the sign for big (wide hands). Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
