Teachers think I am making fuss about nothing

[llisa32]

Hi there.....As you've probably guessed we're still waiting for our appt re the specialist for suspected aspergers....In the meantime I once again tried to lead the teachers into a discussion of what I see as slightly 'diff from the norm' behaviour.

 

I pointed out last week that my son looked really uncomfortable the entire way through his year groups play - he did his lines etc but spent the entire 40 mins squinting cos of the lights and looking like he'd rather be anywhere but there. The teacher said 'ah, that was J concentrating! - thats why he looked so fed up!

 

Then they usually add ''but he's lovely!'...and use that to close the convs..it's almost like they think I'm trying to imply he's not lovely by thinking he may have aspergers! - it's really really exasperating!

 

Last night he said 'mummy....come here I have something to tell you...I need to talk to you'' I went over to him thinking he must have just done something 'naughty' and was about to fess up (always does), but instead he said 'I'm not a 'normal' child' I thought 'oh my god...whats he gonna tell me!...then he says ' I'm not normal cos it takes me ages rto get to sleep and then i always wake up early and i'm never tired! - ie whatever time he eventually goes off to sleep he will always be up at first light. Unfortunately he does get very easily tired and we suffer with temper tantrums because of that.

 

Anyway...back to main point..have many of you been in this situation where the school doesn't seem to either see/ or want to see a potential issue...how have you got round it?. At the moment I am just seeing the specialist without school knowledge but using reports from the LSU re Dyslexia and I'm keeping a diary of J's behaviour.

[di30]

Hi and yes I fully understand what your going through and how you feel.

 

My son is now in his first year of a mainstream secondary school and all staff are more helpful here than when he was in the junior school.

 

I do also have an older son who is 18 due to sit his A levels this year, and I know we should not compare our children, but we do sense if there are some differences in life in general with our kids.

 

Dan is 12 and ever since he was 4 yrs old we have been trying to figure out the issues and he also seen a Child pysch then too, who said he will soon grow out of it and its just that he was immature.

Over the last year or so we had found out about Aspergers in which Dan fits the description totally.

 

The junior school was not much help or support, so I had met up with a mate who had pointed us to the right direction with contact numbers etc, but I did have to request the school's community nurse's contact details to get the ball rolling.

All this then went forward from his last year of the juniors of where the staff and also the school Ed Pyshc tried to say to leave things as they are and not to have him labelled, but we told them this is the only way our son will get support.

 

So yes I do know how you feel, and its so frustrating, as nobody knows our own children like we do.

 

Hope it all goes well for you and the very best of luck.

 

Luv Di xx

[Stephanie]

I think it depends on how much the school now about ASD's and their previous experience of children with Aspergers Syndrome, they should be aware of the traits and the problems children on the spectrum have and if they are not, it is up to you (unfortunately) to tell them.

 

Maybe you could print off a list of typical ASD traits and then highlight the ones you think affect your child ... it might make them click and think "oh yeah ... that's why he does that" etc etc.

 

Sounds like the school might be sitting on the fence until a definate diagnosis is made.

 

My son's school do that thing too "oh we love him, he's such a character" blah blah ... which is nice but I do feel that they can overlook things (ie. they didn't realise that when my son was not "with it" and goes a bit spacey that this was in fact his coping mechanism and he was having a shutdown, they just say "oh he's very tired today").

 

As a parent you get to fight your childs corner more and more as time goes on ... like when the school say "oh he's been a bit bossy today telling the children to do things a certain way" .... I say "yeah well he has autism, he thinks he's always right and things should be done his way"! I won't make excuses for it but I will then go on to try and explain to my son that the children wnat to do things their own way.

 

You may find things change dramatically if your child is diagnosed.

[di30]

I think it depends on how much the school now about ASD's and their previous experience of children with Aspergers Syndrome, they should be aware of the traits and the problems children on the spectrum have and if they are not, it is up to you (unfortunately) to tell them.

 

Maybe you could print off a list of typical ASD traits and then highlight the ones you think affect your child ... it might make them click and think "oh yeah ... that's why he does that" etc etc.

 

Sounds like the school might be sitting on the fence until a definate diagnosis is made.

 

My son's school do that thing too "oh we love him, he's such a character" blah blah ... which is nice but I do feel that they can overlook things (ie. they didn't realise that when my son was not "with it" and goes a bit spacey that this was in fact his coping mechanism and he was having a shutdown, they just say "oh he's very tired today").

 

As a parent you get to fight your childs corner more and more as time goes on ... like when the school say "oh he's been a bit bossy today telling the children to do things a certain way" .... I say "yeah well he has autism, he thinks he's always right and things should be done his way"! I won't make excuses for it but I will then go on to try and explain to my son that the children wnat to do things their own way.

 

You may find things change dramatically if your child is diagnosed.

 

Hiya Stephanie,

Yes I agree with you.

My son's issues were overlooked in the junior school and we tried and tried to resolve these problems as parents do, but the school didn't seem to be bothered about dealing with it, so this was why we went a different direction and dealt with this by advice from a mate, and now the ball is rolling.

 

The secondary school have been more understanding especially recently as more issues have come up, and now they are trying to help all they can, and have stated as soon as my son receives his official diagnosis of possible (AS) they will look into further help and support he requires for his needs.

At least here at this school, the EP has been keeping in touch the last 2 months, and liase with Senco and the Lea, none of this at the junior school.

 

I am not saying they were a bad school, but I don't feel there is much understanding of ASD in some schools.

 

Di xx

[Flora]

It's a horrible situation to be in. Pre dx it was me that was in denial and the teachers who were constantly trying to get me to admit it! I remember one teacher saying 'if you say that's just bill I'll scream, it's not just bill and I think we really need to get together and talk about both your boys'... I used to dread the end of the school day when a teacher would want to pull me aside.... Anyway since then we've relocated and the boys started their new school in 2004 with dx insitu; but the teachers at the new school paid lip service to acknowledging it! My youngest ds has one more year there before he moves on to secondary and I can't wait. I've given up on trying to get through to them. I'm just forever thankful that the boys were at a different school pre dx who saw their problems and insisted on getting to the bottom of them.

 

I don't know what you can do to get teachers to listen when they've made their minds up about something you disagree with. I tried for 2 years to no avail...

 

Maybe your teachers will change if your son gets a dx, but only time will tell. Meanwhile don't lose faith in yourself, a parent's instinct is rarely wrong.

 

Flora

[mum22boys]

Yes i've been there.

 

M's school made me feel I was going mad for 2 years until he was diagnosed. I actually felt relief when he got his diagnosis because I knew I was right. They made me feel a liar. They told me he did role play . His assessment proved no imaginative play has ever developed! they told me he gets dressed no problem, then I find out the LSA helps him and he still is last. I could go on and on about everything they have fought against me with. Now he has a diagnosis it hasn't changed. The Head now tells me he hasn't got a disability, he is different.

 

Sometimes things just won't change. I've accepted that now and am searching for a new school for M. I won't leave him in the environment he is in now and I won't battle any more.

 

I wish you luck and hope they see things your way because it will sure be easier if they do.

 

mum22boys

[llisa32]

Thanks! they do make me feel like I'm either bonkers or imagining things. They have told me several times now that J is 'playing' with the other kids fine in the playground..so therefore socialising. However....I know that just because he's seen with a group of kids does not mean he is actively taking part in proper conversation/play and I know from the many play dates we've now done at home that he definately has not read 'how to win friends and influence them!'

 

Last year in year one I noticed over a week he'd got more and more bruises all over his legs, I asked how he was getting so many and he said that a few of the boys in the yer above had been jumping on him at playtime and it was a 'game'

 

I told him that if kids do stuff to him that hurts or that he doesn't like he needs to tell the teacher but it's firmly in his head that you shouldn't tell tales about stuff from breaktime so they've obviously all had a lecture about that. However...I told the teacher and the main boy involved was reprimanded and it didn't happen again. But...tonight he starts telling me about another boy in his class today kicking him at breaktime and it seems pushing and shoving etc whenever he can get away with it. Again J didn't say nothing to teacher cos he said they wouldn't believe him and asked me to tell the boys mum. I'm going to bypass the mum and make it more than clear to the teacher that it most definately does not constitute playing and that J cannot tell when people are picking on him - whats more annoying is that J is the biggest and strongest in the whole class so if he actually did hit back at anyone I'm pretty sure they wouldn't do it again.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

There's nothing worse than someone (be it friend, neighbour, relative, school) patronising you by saying something like 'oh, it's just a phase', 'all children do that', etc etc. We heard it all here!!! Prior to my son starting school (and indeed for appointments with specialists), I prepared a typed report detailing Robert's development since he was a baby. Main things that I noticed was the horrendous temper tantrums and the fact that he didn't require much sleep at all. The report was bullet-pointed and noted were lots and lots of examples of behaviour or traits which are not 'normal'. Whenever I get a line about 'oh it's just a phase', etc, I reel off 'oh in that case you'll know what to say when your son tries to run on the road in front of a car', 'you'll know how to handle things when your son bangs his head off solid plaster walls, threatens to stab me, etc. Thankfully, a fantastic social worker and consultant have experienced first hand what life is like for Robert and those around him - no one could argue (and have a leg to stand on!).

 

I think a lot of it is to do with ignorance or having a little knowledge which can be dangerous. Guess the key is to educate. NAS has some good leaflets. It may be worth giving some to the staff and speaking with the HT to find out if any of them has been on a course, etc.

 

At the end of the day, you're the one who knows your child best. Hang in there.

 

Caroline.

[di30]

Hiya llisa32.

 

What a coincidence !

Same here with my son.

 

He is 12 now and still vulnerable and easily led.

He always taken the blame in the junior school and never spoken up for himself, that part hasn't changed.

 

I remember walking past during their lunch break so I decided to have a nose for my son on the way home, I couldn't believe what I had seen, he was circled by a number of lads, pushed from one to the other, and the supervising staff were just stood there gabbing !

That was it, I went straight home, told my hubby and he rang the school and informed them of this, first of all they tried to make out he was just playing, so my hubby said how would they know, the staff wasn't looking out, they were too busy gabbing away to each other.

 

But I was so tempted to walk in the grounds there and then, but the whistle went for them to line up !

 

They didn't know what to say, but at the end of the day, he came home covered with bruises from the top to the bottom of his legs.

We went down the school the following morning and they were stumped, and promised to resolve this and keep a closer eye on things.

It was okay for a while, then it had started all again, so every few weeks we were back and forth the school and decided to ask them for the anti-bullying school policy..............hmmm didn't have anything on hand and had to order these, nothing and never did get anything.

A mate of mine had taken this further as she had terrible problems with her daughter getting bullied, by the time this issue was sorted out it was end of term for the summer hols, and that was it for my son at that school.

 

There were some great staff there, but a few slack ones too, and we found the staff talked to us parents as if we were the kids !!!

 

Annoying, thankfully not all schools are like that.

 

Good luck with your son, and hope they deal with this as a matter of urgency.

[llisa32]

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

 

So...this morning I find a teacher and J stands with me..I say that in my opinion 'other boy' is picking on J and we give the examples and I tell the teacher that I've explained once more to J what 'picking on him' means, and that he needs to tell the teacher at the time etc.

 

Teacher says 'yes J, make sure you tell who's on break duty' and tells me she'll keep them apart during classes.

 

Then starts saying to me 'but he's doing really well you know..he's playing at breaktimes, and all the other kids don't mind being his partner in work etc etc - like I've at some point questioned his popularity or his brain!! it then turns into one of those convs ONCE AGAIN insinuating that cos I only have the one child I have no comparison child and therefore I must be imagining things or neurotic!!!!!

 

I pointed out at this point that he may be fine at school (in their opinion) but play dates at home turn him into little hitler, she said ahh yess, but you don't know what he's like at other peoples houses!!. To be fair...yes reports from others peoples houses have been fine, but not many other parents are going to particularly pay much attention to the play date they'll just leave them to get on with it and manners whise he's fine. Plus many mums won't tell u if your kids been a little bit of a pest!

 

I've had to explain several times this morning what being a bully is (again!), J says but it's ok...if I think of something elsze it doesn't hurt!!! - I am so ranting I have no idea how I'm gonna work this morning!"!!!

 

From reading many of the threads on here I know that quite of few of you have children that do fine (apprently) at school but then save all the more quirky stuff for home and I'm starting to think thats why he's always so tired after school.

 

I'll scream once more cos it might help :)aaarrrgggghhhhhh

[Stephanie]

Yeah a good scream helps!!!!!!!!

[LizC]

Hi I understand where you are coming from. when Matthew was 4 and at school nursery I told the teachers that I was taking him to the gp to be refferred as we thought as or adhd. he never wanted to be in nursery always cryed and tantrumed on the floor there and everyone had to step over him to get in , their responce was ' Oh you've got to do what you've got to do'! my theory is the mum knows best!! anyway I took him to the gp he was referred to a centre near here and 9mths later he was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome (he also has ADHD). go with your gut instints, schools are not qualified to make any judgement at all!!

[Bat]

We have had an absolute nightmare with school, they still don't get it.

 

We've moved schools once when they told me that it was my parenting skills that were the problem (they couldn't explain why eldest who was in the same school was parented appropraitely), and we are now doing part time. Pipsqueak can't cope with a full day, she stops eating, sleeping and drinking, but because she 'appears' to be ok in school, there is no issue.

 

I've tried handing in information for school, and was accused by the ed psych of 'disabling' her and of providing 'quasi-medical' information for school (it was a list of her traits and how we deal with them).

 

We're actually looking to homeschool from the end of this year, she should move into juniors, but I think that will be a leap too far, and school are unsupportive of the part time aspect, even though it's working really well for us, and her achievement levels in school have actually gone up.

 

I really do hope you have success in getting them to understand your situation.

 

Bat

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