How do I let go?

[pearl]

He's 18

He's an adult

He's working

He's on a roll

 

But I'm out of the loop for the first time ever & I cant cope!

Apart from one email from his supervisor early on, I've heard nothing, & cant expect to. I only know what he tells me, most of it seems good good good, but the few negative things he mentions, mistakes he's made etc, start me worrying & theres NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!

 

I know I just have to trust him & them, & that if things got bad they would surely include me, but its so hard for a control freak like me just to sit back & relax. Low level worry rumbling away all the time.

 

I've been waiting for this increased independence for soooo long, & now its finally happening I can't handle it!

 

I miss being hands on, I miss the emails from college, I miss communicating with someone else who cares about him.

 

I know, I'm never satisfied am I? Just ignore me.

[oxgirl]

Aw, Pearl, go easy on yourself. <'> <'> You're going through a huge period of transition and change and you're bound to find it a shock to the system. For so many years you've been totally involved in every aspect of your lad's progress and you've worked so hard and done so much for him, it's only natural that it's gonna be an enormous adjustment to find yourself not so involved. Don't worry, he still needs you, he always will, but it'll probably take some time to get used to the idea that you can now spend more time thinking about YOU and what YOU want to do and where YOU want to go with your life.

 

I can't imagine being where you are now, but I bet it's very natural to feel the way you do. Give yourself some time and some tlc . You've not been made redundant, but you've just reduced your hours a bit. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[wishingwell]

Pearl take care! <'>

 

What Mel 'says' sums it up perfectly!

[forbsay]

Sending you lots of hugs <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

I agree with Mel's post.

 

 

 

Take care

 

Forbsay

xxx

[pearl]

Thanks guys, sat here with a big lump in my throat, JP in the background chuckling away about something only he would find funny!

 

You are right Mel, I know. Transitions, we go through them all the time dont we?

 

I wouldnt have it any other way really, I know how lucky we are. And sheesh I've got loads of other stuff going on, I should be thankful I have "reduced hours"

 

It just wasnt the same with S - partly because she's NT, & partly because she's my daughter not my son I let go of her much more easily (tho see my post in Hev's thread, there were wobbles!) An AS son is a double whammy, they pull at your heartstrings like no one else can.

[bid]

<'> <'> Pearl,

 

But think how fabby it is to see them grown up and doing things you never thought they would manage when they were little!

 

Today I shaved Auriel's hair into a mohican!! (He did ask me to do it )

 

And last night he went to a club with some mates and rolled in at 1.30am

 

All completely regular stuff every other 18 year old does...YAY!

 

Mind you, college starts next week!

 

Bid

Edited September 7, 2007 by bid

[pearl]

Wow, bid.... I cant imagine JP going out clubbing, EVER!

Good on Auriel. Bet he looks with his mohican

[bid]

He says he looks 'industrial'

 

Bid

[pearl]

arent they funny?

 

Picture this: JP's cousin, early 20s, tall, handsome, pale, works as a rickshaw guy in London, wears bike leathers & has waist length blond dreadlocks! He looks amaaaaazing. And has doubtless broken a few hearts.

[bid]

 

Bid

[Kathryn]

Pearl <'>

 

Totally understand. As a parent I feel reduced to an "onlooker" quite frequently where L is concerned. Before I can speak to anyone about anything concerning her she has to fill in various consent forms. At first I got on my high horse about this - "how dare they, she's my daughter, I'm not just anyone, I understand her best....etc.."

 

It's hard to leap from the "pre 16" phase when you are on the front line, pleading your child's case all the time. Gradually I find it's getting a bit better but old habits die hard. Actually I still think I understrand L better than anyone but I try to make a conscious effort to hold back from speaking for her, doing everything for her and lecturing others about her needs and try to let others engage with her directly even if I feel they're not doing as good a job as I could! (I'm not saying you have problems here, just working through some of these issues myself at the moment.)

 

I know in the long run letting others into L's life will benefit me as much as her - I will always care about her and will inevitably play a big part in her support, but I don't particularly want to be her sole carer and advocate, teacher and companion 24 hours a day for the rest of my life.

 

I think you and your son have done brilliantly, and you're an inspiration to us all here. But it's tough, this letting go business, isn't it.

 

 

K x

Edited September 7, 2007 by Kathryn

[pearl]

Thanks Kathryn. I identify 100% with everything you said.

I do count my blessings. Just the euphoria wearing off now, reality setting in, & feeling uncertain as no longer in control.

 

(I also have to stay awake when mr pearl is driving otherwise the car would crash)

 

Bless him, JP just drove himself to youth group for the first time. He's been desperate to do this all summer but its not been on. He was back within the hour. Oh, has it not started yet then, I said. Well OBVIOUSLY not he says

[jlp]

I think you all sound like you're doing great, I fully expect to have huge problems letting go when the time arrives!

 

I was just saying to my Mam today that ds#1s new teacher hasn't introduced herself yet and that really I suppose I shouldn't expect her too, it's not like all the other parents would expect that, I'm just used to making friends with the teacher! There was also something that upset ds yesterday (he said the head shouted at him) and I'm itching to ask / mention it and holding back - I suppose other children get told off (it's possible she didn't shout as ds will interpret a firm voice telling him something he doesn't want to hear as shouting) and it's not mentioned to their parents everytime.

 

It's hard!

[jlp]

(I also have to stay awake when mr pearl is driving otherwise the car would crash)

 

Me too - I also need to check every junction / roundabout etc or we'd hit something!

[pearl]

Thanks jlp, yup I know what you mean, we get used to being "high profile" dont we, even if we dont particularly want to be. I really noticed the difference between S who is NT & 5 years older than JP, when she was at school I was completely anonymous, when JP started EVERYONE knew me!

[baddad]

Nothing really to add, just <'>

 

EVERYTHING about being a parent is bittersweet, isn't it?

The first time Ben got up and walked was amazing, but coupled with that was the knowledge that I'd never see him hurtling across the floor on hands and knees again...

 

Magic and loss, all the way...

 

L&P

 

BD

[pearl]

Aww, thanks bd. You always put things so well.

You will see him on his hands & knees again though - the first time he gets drunk!

[Bard]

Last weekend, we were crossing a busy road by a fast roundabout in a city I didn't know well.

So I held my little girl's hand, to keep her safe.

Then I had to swap sides, because being as she is 6" taller than me I couldn't see round her to watch the traffic.

And we crossed the road, and she laughed at me. And it took me several seconds to work out why.

[pearl]

Last weekend, we were crossing a busy road by a fast roundabout in a city I didn't know well.

So I held my little girl's hand, to keep her safe.

Then I had to swap sides, because being as she is 6" taller than me I couldn't see round her to watch the traffic.

And we crossed the road, and she laughed at me. And it took me several seconds to work out why.

 

My lovely dad was still doing that to me when I was in my 30s I miss him

[annie]

Hi Pearl,

 

I know how you feel. Alex is 18 in a couple of weeks, legally an adult . I try really hard to step back, it's hard though. Since leaving school, things have become so much easier ie. no more battles to fight, less stress for everyone. I could never have imagined not having ever these things in our lives.

 

Alex had a hands and knees/drink episode a couple of months ago. He spent a good few hours hugging the toilet . He hasn't had a drink since!

 

Annie

xx