Teasing

[KarenT]

Another step forward for J at school. He told me yesterday that there's one boy who teases him at 'carpet time', nothing major, just saying things to wind him up. Apparently he'd told J that his glasses case was 'a girl's one'. Guess what my boy said back? "I know, I'm going to murder my mam for it!". I had mentioned to him in passing a few weeks ago that one way of dealing with teasing was to turn it back on the teaser by agreeing with what they were saying, and it seems to have stuck. Really pleased for him, first that he handled it so well and second that he could tell me about it.

 

All still going well. When we took him to school yesterday, he left us to walk in ahead with a boy from his class - never seen the like before!

 

Karen

x

[spectrummum]

EASING THE TEASING� STRATEGIES

 

 

Children can learn the strategies listed below that will empower

them and reduce feelings of helplessness. When children realize

that there are effective strategies they can use in teasing

situations, their coping skills are strengthened.

 

 

1. SELF-TALK

Encourage children to think about what they can say or do in a teasing

situation. Reminder: Do not react with anger or tears!

Questions: "Is the tease or insult true?" Often it is not.

"Whose opinion is more important....the teaser's or mine?".

Think about positive qualities or special experiences.

A child should say to himself, " Even though I don't like this

teasing, I can handle it."

 

 

2. IGNORE

No eye contact or verbal response

Pretend the teaser is invisible.

Practice/role play

If possible, walk away and join others.

May not be effective with chronic teasing.

 

 

3. "I" MESSAGE

"I feel upset when you make fun of my glasses. I would like you

to stop.".

Effective in more "structured" or supervised situations.

Effective when communicated to a friend.

May not work in unstructured settings because it may lead to

more teasing.

Make eye contact, speak clearly and politely.

 

 

4. VISUALIZATION

Create a mental picture that the words are "bouncing off."

Pretend there is a shield to repel the put-downs and teases.

Create own visualization. "I am going to kick the teases down

the soccer field."

 

 

5. REFRAME

Accept the tease as a positive comment rather than a put- down.

Take or accept the tease as a compliment

"Thanks for noticing my glasses."

"Thanks for your opinion."

 

 

6. AGREE

Agree with the facts.

"Yes, I have poor vision."

 

 

7."SO?"

Conveys the message of "so what?" or "who cares?"

 

 

8. RESPOND TO THE TEASER WITH A COMPLIMENT

"I wish I could see as well as you."

 

 

9. USE HUMOR

Laughing or smiling defuses the mean comments.

 

 

10. ASK FOR HELP

An adult can often intervene very successfully.

Tattling vs. Reporting

 

 

THE OTHER 3 R'S

The effectiveness and success of THE OTHER 3 of the EASING THE TEASING

strategies are generally dependent upon the child feeling

comfortable and confident in using them. Comfort and confidence

develop from "the other 3 R's": rehearsal, repetition, and

review. Just as children have to consistently review math facts

and spelling words, they must repeatedly practice these

techniques. Frequent discussions and role-plays foster and

enhance a child's successful use of the strategies.

[wishingwell]

'Great'

 

Thank's for sharing this Spectrummum.

I've just printed this so that we can work from it.

 

[spectrummum]

you are very welcome hun

[Bagpuss]

Well done J

Edited September 18, 2007 by Bagpuss

[bid]

Well done J

 

I struggle with teasing, mainly to recognise that is what is happening. The more 'believable' it sounds the less I can distinguish the teasing.

 

I'm OK with what I would call 'kind-hearted joshing', but I would love to understand why some people think that really quite hurtful teasing is 'funny'?? And why when the unkindness is pointed out do they turn it back and make out that their victim is somehow at fault for 'taking things too seriously' or 'not seeing the funny side'?? Even when they are aware of the other person's AS?

 

I have always tried to think that if another person finds something hurtful or unfunny, then that is what is important, not how 'funny' the teaser thinks they are being. Of course, sometimes I have said something that I thought was funny, but has turned out to be unintentionally hurtful, and I have always been mortified and apologised.

 

I think I am alone in this, because even as an adult I have been very hurt by 'teasing', and then blamed for 'taking it too seriously'

 

I can't work out if teasers want to be hurtful but like to use a covert way of doing it, or whether they don't see beyond getting a cheap laugh??

 

Well done your lad for finding a good anti-tease strategy

 

Bid

Edited September 18, 2007 by bid

[smiley]

Way to go J <'> Karen you must be really proud

 

I'm with you on this one Bid - i've always hated wind-up type programmes.

[Mumble]

I think I am alone in this, because even as an adult I have been very hurt by 'teasing', and then blamed for 'taking it too seriously'

You're not alone. I hate being teased and often end up in tears because of it. And I hate then being told that I've taken whatever was said 'too seriously' or 'too personally'. I don't think it's possible to do either - if things are about us then they are personal so we take them personally and plus we take things the way we do because of who we are and our socialisation. What I'm trying to learn to do is not retaliate when someone says I've taken something too seriously/personally, but it's very difficult.

 

i've always hated wind-up type programmes.

Ooh, I can't stand them. And I'm always worried that someone will do one of them too me. I just don't find them funny. And I won't use a portaloo seeing as they seem to feature in too many of those 'funny' programmes.

[llisa32]

As I'm into one liners quite heavily ( because unfortunately I'm surrounded by people that use ton's of sarcasm/teasing in general to pass away their time) I figured I'd give you guys some adult versions of the 'So' response for kiddies:

 

1. 'If only you WERE funny........followed by a yawn.....

 

2. 'In another life/on another planet you MIGHT be a wincy bit funny!

 

3. 'If you were that funny someone else might have employed you!'

 

And for the record I agree that 'teasing' should never be hurtful or able to be construed as such...some people unfortunately go too far with their teasing and it almost runs into bullying/spiteful behaviour.

 

J hates teasing of any form even when there is a compliment behind it - for him I think it's mostly to do with the 'teasing' making him the focus of attention, and then whilst the attentions on him he's still trying to work out if he's being teased or not - he then feels uncomfy, and then usually says/does something inappropriate. All my sarcastic favouring relies have been warned! - do it with J at your peril

[mrs fussy]

Ha Ha brilliant J!!!(mind you karen might of known it would be mom to blame,same in our house lol)

[KarenT]

EASING THE TEASING� STRATEGIES

That's one of the books I've been reading, spectrummum. Haven't got far into it yet, I've been reading this one: http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/WEBSITE/WW...p?id=1568250290 which is more child-friendly, although very American.

 

We're going to start reading it properly together over the weekend.

 

As an update, J 'made friends' with the boy who was teasing him today, using the boy's friend as a go-between. Really chuffed with him, looks like he can sort these things out for himself when he's in a calm environment.

 

Karen

x

[spectrummum]

hope nothing is spolit

shellxx