J 'is NOT going to school'

[llisa32]

God......I can't stand this!

 

Again this morning......refusing to get out of bed, he's begging me not to call daddy cos he knows daddy has the physical strength to drag him out of bed...but I know even he would struggle to force a 7 year old with the frame of an 11 year old to get dressed and then in and out of the car!

 

I am sooo far behind with work since a week or so ago , and all J keeps saying is 'Hate school' 'it';s boring'

 

'English is terrible!', 'maths is horrible!' and all other lessons are BORING!....

 

As I'm still waiting for that flippin psch report I've half a mind to go with this and let him stay at home (although not sure I have much of an option on that froint at moment cos no matter what I've threatened him with it';s thus far made no diff and he ain't budged!) then ring the psch today and school and let things progess!.....

 

This is all sooo yeuch yuech yeuch! and it's awful seeing him so upset and fed up!

[Mumble]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Not sure what to say or advise. It's clear he's unhappy - he's verbalising it as 'bored' but that may just be because he can't actually verbalise the real problem.

 

If he stayed home, what would he do at home? Can you think of something really boring? Maybe say as he's not ill if he stays home he has to do the work he would do in school - might help get to the root of the probs?

 

What about schools rules, seeing as he's into them - do they have an attendence policy in anything you have or on the website. "Well J, the school rules say that . . ., so you must go to school".

 

I hope it gets sorted. And I would definately be on the phone to that psych as soon as they open. Could you go there yourself and demand the report (it's a bit rediculous the time it's taken)?

 

 

p.s. Lee hasn't turned up yet, but you can share him when he does

[llisa32]

Thanks Mumble <'>

 

I am now officially furious!

 

Got him to school 20 mins late, J insisted that he was coming to see matron with me before we went to class so that he could hear me tell her if he's poorly ring me and I'll come get him.

 

We then get to his class and blow me if the first thing he's being asked to do is COPY SUMS from that Flippin board!!!!

 

Teacher came outside and I explained the difficultys in getting there this morning....she said 'well, he seemed to have a good day yesterday, and I've onyl been asking him to do half the amount of the others, and he did those, and then I gave ahim a couple more sums yesterday and he did those...she then said ' It's surprising what he can do u know!! god I'm so angry I'm practically over breathing!!!!!

 

I said no...it's not surprising, he's really bright...but struggling with the writing and copying!!!

 

Then spoke to another mum on my way out and seems they are currently 'testing' them all ready for streaming!!

 

So.....he will most likely end up in lower stream than capable of cos of this flippin copying anfd writing issue!!

 

Have just spoken to J's dad and I'm aboiut to send the mother of all emails to the head of LSU and Senco and they'd better bliddy pull their fingers out!! - today!!

 

And yep Mumble...I'm a ringing that psch any minute now!

[Mumble]

Oh I'm soooo angry for you (and J) Lisa I'd quite like to go in and hit the teacher with that whiteboard to make it a nice garland around her neck. That god you but her right on the 'not suprising'. Responding to individual needs insn't about expecting less - grrrrrrr.

 

As for the streaming - I'll PM you cause what I want to say isn't fit for on open board :angry:

[Flora]

lisa <'>

 

What you are experiencing is exactly the kind of problems I had with Bill when he was your son's age. We'd often go to school late because of wobblers when getting ready. He'd be angry, distressed, at times suicidal but when asked he could only say he was 'bored'. Few years down the line with me constantly trying to change things at school and he's in a hell of a state (severely depressed, health and mental problems, off school since march, me fighting still with LEA over his statement... which by the way he has only after years and years of severe problems managed to get assessed for a statement!).

 

My 100% advice to you is to take him seriously and fight now before he gets to the point when he's a teenager and being stressed and unhappy has become a habit. The LEA and school are fobbing you off, just like they did with me when Bill was younger, DON'T stand for it.

 

also, on the point of 'boredom', even me at the ripe old age of '21' can only ever describe my feelings as 'bored' when I'm stressed. I leave parties and nights out and say it was because I was 'bored', when in actual fact I was just exhausted with the effort to socialise. It's almost certainly the case that this is what our kids mean when they say they're bored. (of course there are times when they are bored but it's not the same IYKWIM).

 

don't stop pushing and fighting... be a nuisance!

 

Flozza <'>

[soraya]

Im with Flora on this one, as i too had Nick refusing to go to school, very angry and had a breakdown in his teens. You must bang on doors know before it is too late as i have found to nicks cost. He didiexactly the same thing, making me go to the office and say if there were any problems he could go home, i remember those days well!!!!Seven years on and we are still fighting. Please make a real fuss with the LEA now while your sojn has a fighting chance still. <'> <'>

[llisa32]

Thanks guys <'> I've been so angry this morning I've been shaking! - poxy school!!

 

I have just now mailed the senco (who also head of lsu) and the deputy head of the school. Have made it clear that J is having diffifulties and that although they may see him 'fine' in school for a couple of days at a time, the effort of doing that is obvious after school and again the next morning. Have placed the ball in there court, told em we're really not happy and don't think they've acted on anything we put in writing last week etc etc!

 

Have rang the psych (she's a Cahms one), and her secretary is on leave now!!, told the other secretary to get the doc herself to ring me - urgent....will chase again after 1pm cos so far no phonecall! (no surprise I know)

 

horrible thing is I know J will have taken himself to matron, and I know unless he screams the place down they won't ring me...then he's gonna be really upset but hide it all in

 

Can't decide on whether to try and ring matron to see if she's seen him...and if I let him come home is that 'giving in'??....feeling like a useless mummy bear at mo!

[Mumble]

Lisa <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

"The appearance of fine" - well I wonder how many parents here have had that one about their kids. I've had it about me from you know who. Struggling to fit in and do the right thing and then having the outfall at home seems to be a common theme on here. Why can't the profs see this?

 

If the secretary was going on leave, she should have tied up the loose paperwork before she went. Definately, definately phone again and keep phoning, faxing, emailing and being generally annoying until you get the response you and J need.

 

I wonder if it's worth having a meeting with the school (minuted of course!) to make them see that you mean bussiness. They may not have experience of an AS child before but you're hardly making it difficult for them - the strategies you've suggested are simple and effective and there is no reason for the school not to do them or to misinturpret them.

 

If it would make you feel better I would call matron and see how things are. If you're happy to have J home, (and at least he went and managed half a day) and she feels he's stressed I would bring him home for the afternoon but make sure you just very calmly say to him why you've collected him and that he has to go to school in the morning or something like that. If you're calmer that J's happier it will make it easy for you to sort out the psych and think rationally about how to deal with the school.

 

I really do hope things get better <'> <'>

[llisa32]

You'll never guess....but the psych just phoned me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Had a long chat, filled her in on everything...she thinks it's time for the Ed Psych to get involved and that the school should request it - she said that J is 'sounding' more like aspergers than the 'social and comms' disorder she was going to use, but that we need to get the ed psch in now and get it all sorted out.

 

She's now gonna phone the Senco at J's school"!

 

And J's dad just messaged me to say the email I sent to school was good!

 

I'm in slight shock! - little bit of progress at least

[Mumble]

:clap: :clap: :clap:

 

Maybe, just maybe, something will happen now :pray: I really do hope things are ok

[pearl]

now sit down with a nice cup of tea & something to eat. <'>

[Bagpuss]

Lisa, best of luck with this <'> I wish I could show you my youngest dd's home/school diary...if anything has taken place, it's always followed with the immortal words ....but she appears fine Oh how many times she's arrived home, and had the mother of all meltdowns because of something which took place at school, and her desperately trying to reign in her responses while there

[Bagpuss]

Forgot to add..she also uses the word bored or boring, to describe something or someone she doesn't like. She hasn't a clue what it means.

 

And hands off Lee....you too Mumble Mopp..........he's mine I tell you!

Edited September 19, 2007 by Bagpuss

[oxgirl]

Good luck, Lisa. Sounds like some progress has been made, so well done and hope that they start to take things a lot more seriously from now on.

Give yourself a break from it for a bit if you can and do something nice for you. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[llisa32]

Thanks all <'> and now I have to have another AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

 

Just got email back from the deputy head of school saying that she thinks it great that 'we've decided to get an ed psch's report done' and she thinks it will be ' very helpful and reasuring' and could I let HER know when the arrangements have been made!!

 

Hello....what happened there?? This morning the doc tells me that school should request it or least give me the name of someone they are linked to as they are a private school (but with an LSU) and now she tells me to get on with it and let her know when it's arranged!!

 

And...apparently she 'happens to know that although sums were on the board to start with this morning, J's are copied out for him'....really......

 

Have now got a phone appt with my GP for him to advise which ed psych he recommends and to ask if theres anything he can do to speed it up - last resort is J is on my medical insurance thru work but not sure if this sort of thing is covered - anyone know?

[Mumble]

As far as I know, the school should be organising and funding it . . . I think. I thought you only had to pay if you wanted extra evidence if you were disputing statements of something? What do they want the Ed Psych for? - Diagnosis? I thought the psych you saw would do that?

 

Someone else who knows the system better will be along I'm sure, but that's my experience - the AS boy in my class - his parents did pay an independent Ed Psych but that was because they were disputing the LEA and trying to get the LEA (rightly) to fund an independent school place . . .

 

Do you want some cardboard to shread - I hear that's very thereputic but I'm making a right mess of my room :lol:

[Mumble]

As to sums - the evidence will be in his book. Even if teach. changed her mind and started writing them out, the first few will be in J's writing.

[llisa32]

The Clinical Psch thinks that in order to change her 'social and comms' disorder to read 'aspergers' or 'ASD' then we need an Ed Pschs input - particularly given the difficulties J's now having at school.

 

Have just had a mail back from the school saying they will give me the name of someone they 'recomend', but unless the Gp comes up with something looks like we are going to have to fund

[Flora]

If your child goes to private school you have to pay for ep assessment, however they should have one that they usually used. When my boys were first assessed they were at private school, this was in 2002 and it was about �300 each for an independent ep to come in and observe them in the class and then assess them... the great thing about it is though that you get a really thorough assessment done (unlike the lip service that the Lea ep's give) and it happens quickly, you don't have to wait weeks or months.

 

lisa, contact the teacher in charge of the LSU and ask if they can arrange for their usual ep to come in.

 

I don't think it's impossible for LEA ep's to assess a child in private school, but I think you'll have a long wait, I was told at least 6 months.

 

Flora

[llisa32]

Thanks Flora - appreciate the advice. <'> The deputy head has just said she will get me the name of someone they usually use - hopefully will be in my inbox soon!

 

I don't think I realised at all how rotten this whole process was/is....I have not managed to calm myself down at all today and feel really rotten and stressed out with a banging headache!

[llisa32]

Update from tonight...J's at his dads. Apparently J asked to go to matron twice today and the teacher didn't let him go...I can't decide how I feel about this....

 

On the one hand I can see their point - he's not actually 'sick'...but he is obviously stressed at the moment

 

He phoned tonigh from his dads asking if i can pick him up early tomorrow from school...I said no cos we have to have a good reason but that he can go to matron if he's poorly...he says 'but they won't let me!

 

His dad is sortof on the fence...saying J can't keep saying he feels poorly when he's not...but I think it's like his 'safty net' at the moment.

 

What do you guys think? - let him go matron when he wants or teachers to not let him?

[Louisa]

Hi

 

I would get the teachers to let him go to the matron as long as she is sympathetic towards him. Maybe he could have some time out and then go back to class but if he is really upset, then she should ring you.

 

We have been going through this refusing to go to school every morning, with our DD for almost a year. We are still waiting for a diagnosis (possible aspergers) and we had a meeting with the school last January but the senco did nothing to help. She just screams at her to get back to her lessons and has done more damage than good. Also nothing was passed to her actual teachers so they knew nothing about her difficulties. The senco is like a broken record, telling us ?she is fine?.

 

Despite having a further meeting with the school recently and them at last offering the help we asked for, the damage has already been done and we cant get her to go back in. She is 14.

 

You really need to sort this out as soon as possible whilst he is still young. Hopefully with Ed Pscych getting involved, things will move forward quickly. Good luck.

[smiley]

Hi lisa <'>

 

What a horrible time J's having (and you!).

 

I thought the same as louisa - is J using Matron as a time out / breather. Maybe he doesn't know how to ask for a break? Would the school let him? Possibly, if he was able to have 15 mins somewhere quiet - he wouldn't feel the need to go to Matron?

 

<'> <'>

[llisa32]

Thanks Louisa and Smiley - think you could both do with one of these too <'> <'>

 

I do think he's using Matron as a 'breather', hence why I was sorta thinking they should let him go when he wants - or at least within reason...he did sort of go for frequent flyer points last week with 7 visits on 1 day!

 

I'll see how tomorrow goes and see what he's like when I pick him up tomorrow night, his dad's taking him in morning and ringing me when he's dropped him off.

 

Fingers and toes crossed!

[Mumble]

I think, as the others have said, a time-out option is what he needs but he's having trouble verbalising this. Perhaps he can have some symbol (keychain, legobrick, small card - anything he can keep in his pocket and know where it is for when he needs it) he gives to the teacher/TA which, without words, says "I'm not coping, I need to leave the room" and he has an agreed safe, quite place to go (be that matron or elsewhere) and that he also knows it's ok to come back into the class when he feels more settled.

[llisa32]

ahhh....J was okay this morning until he got closer to school apparently and then started to feel sick.

 

His dad's had a chat with him some more about how 'his brains having to work double hard when he's writing etc' and thats what's making his tummy feel a bit poorly, and that it's fine to either at the point ask the teacher for some help or to go to matron.

 

Only good thing to have happened lately is that finally Dad is 'onboard' and fighting for J with me.

[Mumble]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Only good thing to have happened lately is that finally Dad is 'onboard' and fighting for J with me.

Don't under-estimate that - it's a BIG step. Particularly, if as you've said, J's dad displays 'more than a few' AS traits (that's right isn't it? ) then to accept that his son is having difficulties and does need support means that at some level he also has to think very hard about himself and questionning your sense of normality is not a nice thing to go through.

 

BTW - I like his Dad's description of the double-time brain . . .

[llisa32]

Thanks Mumble....and I do realise how hard thats been for J's dad and I did talk to him about that a couple of months ago, not in depth..cos he's not up for it, and I understand that - but I just said to him that I really needed him to put aside 'his own' feelings and try and focus on J's with me so that together we can get it sorted out. I also said that by never reading anything I put his way he's not helping me to help J, and again that I understood he might not want to know/realise anything further about himself, but I did also say to him he might not find it as 'horribly' enlightening' as I think he was imagining.

 

Thankfully he seems to at least for the moment accepted that J is having some difficulties and actually he does seem a little bit more 'settled' in himself <'> whether that means he's now read loads more than I think, I don't know...but it's all good and I am grateful for the support cos it means I'm not left feeling like a target as a deluded mum!

[Mumble]

I'm not left feeling like a target as a deluded mum!

I hardly think you're that <'> <'> <'> <'> I'm afraid I'm not letting you claim that status - my Mum won that award years ago and rightly deserves to keep it year on year.

[wishingwell]

Don't under-estimate that - it's a BIG step. Particularly, if as you've said, J's dad displays 'more than a few' AS traits

 

My son's dad had a horrible school life which left him totally confused and with many hang ups with regards to himself. No-one ever understood him, he says his mother would go to bed when a problem arose and talk to no-one, so other people where free to deal with him in whatever way they choose.

 

When our 1st son was born and problems began her advice was, "Oh his father was like that", SO what did U do? "Nothing he's grown out of it." Unfortunately they still have a very volatile relationship.

 

Back to our son, in the early days when I was first trying to find out what was causing our DS to behave in certain ways he said very little. As time passed and we learned more and started to get through to DS we talked more, Dad was learning about DS and himself along the way and the more he discovered the more help he was to his DS and me. He was able to tell me how DS was feeling about certain situations and explain how he felt DS would best react. We have had some very good help with things that I wouldn't have felt where necessary but to DS they where the cause of the problem. He attends all important meetings and is an excellent negotiator he never leaves a meeting until things are put right .

 

With regards to J going to matron I think that he should, so long as she can offer some understanding words of advice and be prepared to listen. Your son needs to have some-one that he feels he can trust, my son's head teacher was the one he went to when he was anxious or had done something inappropriate he listened to her because she was the boss over the school. Luckily for him she also had a very good understanding of AS and was able to reroute him back to class feeling much better.

[llisa32]

Thanks <'> , it's good to know I'm at least getting the family support heading in the right direction.

 

Your comment about your son's headmaster being the 'boss' of the school did make me laugh - thats exactly what J calls his headmaster! - he actually said to the headmaster 'and your boss must be your mum!

[wishingwell]

he actually said to the headmaster 'and your boss must be your mum!

 

Dad is DS 'Boss' he does what he says, when my parenting skills fail I phone his Dad.

That gets the job done!

[llisa32]

End of the week!!! hurrayy!!!

 

Update...J got accidently hit in the neck with a flying stick yesterday at lunchtime, he says it was aimed at someone else but he was in the way. But..his neck was bleeding and he didn't take himself off to matron, or go and tell a teacher. Was only when he went back to class and his form teacher saw his neck and asked him what happened did he tell, and then got sent to matron. Kids that were throwing got in trouble but does kinda show how 'unclosely' they are monitored at breaktimes and sort of gives you an idea of how much value to put on those ' he's been 'playing' with his friends at breaktimes comments.

 

This morning he was fine ish until we got to school, then started worrying about where his lungs were!, saying he had a headahe and asking if i could pick him up at 2 which is start of pe today. I spoke to form teacher and she's going to try and let him sit it out somewhere doing some reading or otherwork as she could see he was worn out this morning.

 

School have also requested a meeting which last night was the end of next week and is now Monday morning!

 

And as I left she was offering to 'copy' out J's sums for him!

 

I'm kinda liking the form teacher...she seems to understand, and seems to want to understand more, so my plan is to give her as much background info as poss on monday and hopefully gain a school alie. I told her this morning that the senco had sent me a list of 6/7 ed pschs to 'choose' from with no indication as to who they felt was the best choice and she was as unimpressed as I was!

[Mumble]

:notworthy: to the form teacher

 

At least he went to school - that's a big plus. And he now knows where his lungs are so if that comes up in a test he'll outshine the rest of the class . . .

 

The playground situation is a bit worrying, and you're absolutely right that they can't say anything about his social skills based on that.

 

Hope the meeting goes well <'>

[llisa32]

Had murder's getting him out the dorr again this morning!...I now feel like a witch cos under dad no.1's instruction I said 'if you don't stop messing me around every morning I'll make u stay at dads everynight!')

 

Only said that cos J has it in his head that dad no.1 does have the physical strength to lift him out the house if needbe and thats what he thinks dad would do if he did the same there. YEUCH yeuch yeuch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now both dads think J should loose games tonight, or 'tell us properly how he's feeling'...I don't think he's able too tell us how he's feeling and it seems like we're punishing him for bgeing distressed!.......DOUBLE UEUCH!!

 

Got the meeting at the school at 10 with dad no.1....more YEUCH!!!!!!!!

 

And J mentioned again this morning that they won't let him go to matron....I think he needs the 'get out card', dad no.1 thinks school rules need to be obeyed!! - YEUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Scuse me while I rant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[llisa32]

Just to add....I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of mad world where everyones conspiring to drive me nuts!!!!!!!

[wishingwell]

Good Luck at the meeting try to stay calm. Easier said than done.

 

J will have completely forgotten what happened this morning and will probably have more difficulty being punished for something he cannot remember.

 

Could you make a chart and put smiley faces on it for when he manages to achieve something which is difficult for him like getting up and out to school. Turn this into a reward system and that on Friday he will receive a treat.

[Mumble]

Now both dads think J should loose games tonight, or 'tell us properly how he's feeling'

Please don't do this. Having a 'feeling' and not knowing what it is, not being able to put a name to it, and not being able to communicate how you feel to others save for a few emotions that don't always fit, is incredibly frustrating. Most people expect others to be able to do it because it's not something they themselves have an issue with - apparently, for most people, what happens is you have a 'feeling' and from that can say 'I feel ...'. When you can't do this and others expect you to, it results in frustration on both sides. Being told you're not trying or that you're lying or just being silly because you can't say how you feel about something (or likewise how someone else might feel about something) is horrible - I know I try my best but when my best isn't good enough for other people I can be very unhappy. I know my case is quite extreme warrenting a comorbid diagnosis but still I didn't find out about this 'difference' until I was an adult and now I can look back and see where many problems lay - I was being asked to do/say things that literally carried no meaning to me. Punishing J for something he may have no control over will lead to greater frustration as he will not know what he is being punished for - but if he links it to something to do with school he is likely to be even more reluctant to go in the mornings.

 

Sorry if the above is harsh - hindsight is a great thing. Really hope your meeting goes OK this morning. <'>

[llisa32]

Thanks Mumble - it's not harsh, I agree with you, trouble is I'm now feeling like piggy in the middle! - gotta run now, dads just come to pick me up!

[llisa32]

Bad bad morning.....took a backwards step with J's dad this morning who almost walked out the house and refused to some to school with me - basically we got into a discussion about AS...despite the progress I thought I'd made we obviously haven't..dad can't understand y he doesn't 'see' a lot of the behaviour that I do, and although he agree's that J is very anxious about school at the moment he doesn't 'get' the rest of it!. I got him back in the house and agreed that our main focus with the school this morning would be his issues with writing and general 'anxious' state and what we can all do to resolve it. Upshot is:

 

1. School will assist with copying out in english and maths for time being until he 'gets the hang of it' - cos they can't do that forever.....in a class size of 12!! - hello???

 

2. LSU will focus on writing and comprehension rather than reading for the time being

 

3. They will find ways to boost j's confidence so that school seems less daunting..

 

And Mumble....you'll like this one....'We tell our of the teachers that our children with dyslexia do find writing and copying very hard!!!

 

General concencus from school is that J will 'get used' to the new routine, ' copying out' will get easier, apprently he will also find taking exams and being able to get his thoughts and replies down on paper 'easier'...in fact....Apparently EVERYTHING will get 'easier' so I really don't know why I am worrying

 

Had it up to the back teeth with all of them now! - seriously fed up