Puberty/Sex Education

[Bagpuss]

I really feel I need to have a chat to our eldest dd 10 AS and could do with some advice about what she will already of been told in school? Is there a system in place nationally for sex education etc, or is it a post code lottery as to what your child is told/taught? She'll be 11 this year, and is in Year 5.

 

I'm not looking forward to it. Funny thing is that I was less concerned about talking to our ds (he's NT, and 14 now) about the changes his body would begin to go through. Found a fantastic book, which luckily I've kept, writtan by Claire Rayner, which helped me alot. I found I could be really open with him, and that has continued to be the case.

 

I suppose I more worried with dd due to her being an Aspie. I don't want her to misunderstand what I'm saying, or become overly worried, but don't want to delay it much longer.

 

Any tips would be appreciated.

[Karen A]

Hi.I don't have any tips.However my [NT] DS had some very basic sex education in year 6 last year..nothing ''official'' via school before that. He did go to a C/E school so I don't have a comparison with none denominational schools.

[Bagpuss]

Thanks Karen. Our dd's school is C of E too.

[oxgirl]

Bagpuss, I've felt exactly the same with Jay. I wanted to reassure him about things that would be starting to happen to him without overloading him or alarming him with stuff he's not yet ready for, it's really difficult to get the balance right, isn't it. They did 'reproduction' in Science in year 7 or 8, can't remember which, with diagrams, etc. Think they just went over the basics, nothing too heavy. Jay found it a little bit much but not too disturbing.

 

I've thought about using books but some of them go into quite a lot of detail about growing up and lots of 'stuff' that I didn't think Jay was ready for, so I haven't found a book that deals with the issues in a less teenagery way, iyswim. He's getting a few pimples on his nose, but apart from that no other signs of puberty, so it's really hard to know what to burden him with and what not to.

 

~ Mel ~

[Mumble]

Hi Baggy,

 

Schools (whatever denomination) would normally do something in year 6 of primary, particularly as girls are hitting puberty younger. It will depend on the school and staff available, but many will separate boys/girls and just chat about changes, and particularly about related hygiene. When they get to secondary school they will then do reproduction (scientifically). The relationship-side of sex-education is, in my opinion, very poorly taught.

 

Schools have to send a letter home saying what they will do, giving the option for anyone to withdraw their child. If they are showing a video you have the right to request to view if before the children do.

 

I suppose I more worried with dd due to her being an Aspie. I don't want her to misunderstand what I'm saying, or become overly worried, but don't want to delay it much longer.

I didn't have a dx at school, but I remember the 'talk' in year 6 as clearly as if it were yesterday. Firstly they disrupted our routine and had all the girls together in one class with the scary head woman - not a good start!!! (so worth knowing when the school will do that and how they will make your dd aware of the change to her timetable).

Then they started telling us about periods and blood . . . and the thought of the blood was the point at which I lost it. Completely. I was screaming that that wasn't going to happen to me, that it was disgusting, that I needed my blood . . . You get the picture. The problem was that my mum had told me nothing and being a loner on the playground I hadn't picked up anything to prepare me in anyway either. The first I had was this scary teacher telling us what was going to happen - and I couldn't understand why the other girls were quite calm about the fact that we were all going to bleed everywhere - of course their parents had already had some degree of 'chat' with them. So yes, I think it's really really important that she has some reassurance from you before getting the talk at school. There is a lot that if taken literally can be very very scary. I also think quite a scientific approach is useful to ally fears - understanding a bit about why (without all the reproduction details) and knowing, for instance, how much blood will be lost and that she isn't going to bleed to death.

 

One good bit of news - some research seems to suggest that AS females start their periods a bit later than average (statistically speaking). It might give her a bit more time to prepare.

[pearl]

I got the Dorling Kindersley book for both S & JP, don't know if its still in print.

 

Just don't use snails as an example

[baddad]

Hi all -

 

we had a biggish thread on this in the past - I'll try to find later (unless someone beats me to it), but as a 'quickie' there are a number of books available:

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_b?url=...x=8&Go.y=13

 

The ones by Robie Harris came highly recommended from memory (I got the 'it's perfectly normal' one from the library and Ben and I went through some of the general 'changes' stuff together), 'cos they had a nice feature where a little cartoon bird/bee were on each page 'reading' the book with you... one of them thought it was all WOW and amazing and wonderful, while the other one found it all a bit yukky, so your kids don't feel muddled by their own feelings...

 

Personally, i think 'sex ed' should be the same as 'ASD ed'; you just talk about it openly and naturally whenever the topic comes up, rather than doing the big 'sit down talk'...

 

Blimey, would probably have been quicker to find that old thread!

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Hmmmmmm - very odd! I've had a search but can't find it... I thought it was the first one of these, only longer - the one i remember definitely mentioned the bird/bee cartoons, and DMB posted in it...

 

anyways, for what it's worth these are the two threads i found:

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...&hl=puberty

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...blem+developing

Edited January 5, 2008 by baddad

[summertime]

Sex education within the NC for science is limited to sexual reproduction. It must be taught to all pupils and parents cannot withdraw their children from such lessons. Schools are also required to provide a sex and relationships education programme. This includes physical, moral and emotional development, sexual health and sexuality. Parents do have the right to withdraw their children from this programme.

 

Usually schools do sex ed as part of the science project in Y6, this covers changes in body and very basic biology but some schools now are approaching this earlier as a number of girls will have already started their periods by Y6. If you speak to the school they should tell you what their policy is and how much info they give. Its good practice for schools to inform parents by letter before this topic is covered and most will invite parents into school to show them the materials they will be using

[Nic m]

I agree with baddad, i have just discussed things as they have come up.

My ex mother in law has a very funny view on things and will tell my daughter to cover her eyes if a sex scene comes on the tv!

If its not appropriate, dont watch!

My dd has older cousins who have filled my dd in with all the 'naughty' words! This has made for very interesting conversations with her Dad when she has dropped them into conversation at her Grans!

Good luck with your talks.

My daughter wants to keep up with the girls at school, and a few months ago i got her some bras (which she didnt need) and guess what all of a sudden she actually fits into them.

I cant believe how the shops get away with it though, trying to find a plain white bra for under a school shirt is proving more difficult than i thought.

Plenty of lacy frilly ones though which my daughter loves.

That might be a good place to start though, going shopping for things she will need soon.

Nic

[Frangipani]

Hi Baggy,

 

I agree with all the above but I will just enclose this beautiful book for you with lots of info possibly worrying you.

 

Year 6 is too late for some girls thats why mum knows best and this book comes highly recommended by Steve Biddulph who I have a link on as well.

 

Raising girls by Gisela Preuschoff

 

http://www.capersbookstore.com.au/scripts/...t&item=1945

 

http://www.stevebiddulph.com/ parenting

 

Its a long journey here is everything 'you' need.

 

love

Frang x x

Edited January 5, 2008 by Frangipani

[Bagpuss]

Thanks all for the wonderful advice <'>

 

I took eldest dd to the pictures today, so took the opportunity, of it just being the two of us, to casually bring up the conversation of "growing up" and how her body will change.

 

She didn't take it well, infact, she was in tears, and I didn't get very far.

 

When I mentioned I had a book that I thought she could have a look at, either by herself, or with me, she totally broke down.

 

She just kept saying she didn't want to look at the book, but couldn't explain why.

 

I tried to remain calm and said that at some point, in the not too distant future, her body would begin to change, but crikey, it went so badly.

 

The problem I'm finding, is that although she comes across as mature (because she tends to be very sensible and sticks to the rules), she is infact, far more immature than her friends. But I know, that anytime soon, she will see changes, and I'm so worried that she won't know what to expect and it will scare her.

 

She reminds me so much of a character from an Enid Blyton book, really naive and innocent, and totally unaware of anything to do with puberty.

 

I think I have terrified her tbh.....so I've backed off, and told her we won't discuss it anymore if it upsets her.

 

She then calmed down.

 

Unsure where to take it from here, unless I wait for the school to cover it in Year 6, and hope she's more open to discussing it afterwards

[summertime]

could you leave the book in her room in the hopes that she looks at it when she is ready. I know a couple of the girls I work with need time to prepare themselves to talk about anything like that. I often tell them a few days in advance that we are going to talk about a certain subject, and often they will say they don't want to but when the time comes and they have had time to prepare themselves they are much more receptive

[oxgirl]

Sorry it didn't go so well, Bagpuss. <'> I know with Jay, he's terrified of the idea of growing up and any mention of the dreaded word 'change' sends him into a panic, because he'd just like everything to stay the same and for him to stay a little boy forever. At least your DD knows you are there for her when she is ready to come to you. Maybe when she does start to notice anything that is changing in her, she'll hopefully come and ask about it and it might be time then to take out the book and 'look it up' to see if the book as an answer for her. Or maybe if you leave it hanging around, like Summertime said, she might sneak a peek when she's curious. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Mumble]

She reminds me so much of a character from an Enid Blyton book, really naive and innocent, and totally unaware of anything to do with puberty.

Cor, you're describing me (at that age)

 

I would suggest, as others have, leaving the book in her room to look at in her own time. After I got upset at school I did read the books in the library and prepared myself. And then being totally open if she does ask you a question, so she knows that's ok. My mum never talked to me about pubery/sex etc. It's on my list of things that if I ever had kids I'd make sure I did do.

[Bagpuss]

Thanks again everyone.

 

Have just ordered another book online, that a member suggested.

 

I wish that pokemon went through puberty, life would be so much eaiser.

 

Why, oh why, can't Pikachu have a period?

[Nic m]

Oh Bagpuss thats a shame, another time it may go down a bit better.

Does she like girly things? Maybe you could connect it to something positive about growing up like something she is looking forward to.

Nic

[elun1]

<'> Hi

My 2 boys are a bit small yet (I think!) as eldest only 8 but my 13 yr old niece (AS) was completely adamant she would NEVER discuss it when my sister tried. She did in fact leave her a book and said it was her choice. K has since started her period and will very briefly discuss it with my sister who did raise the subject again, to which K replied 'I know all about it already! '

[Clare63]

Awwww Baggy, sorry it didn't go too well. Like Mumbles had said, you could have been describing me at 11 years of age I was exactly the same. My Mum ended up leaving a book for me to look at in my own time, but I remember I still refused to look at it, when I the time came I was in totally denial and could not even tell my Mum, I used to pinch her ST's so I suppose she must have guessed. Even once I was married and fell pregnant with DS I could not tell my parents and had to send DH to go and tell them. I am still waiting for my "birds & the bees" talk, my parents took us on holiday out of school when they did the sex ed bit at school, not on purpose, well I think not !!!! The relationship with me and DS is totally different and we are very open, but maybe coz he's a boy ???

As well as leaving a book, may I suggest you leave the others bits and pieces a young lady needs, so when the time comes she is fully prepared, perhaps put them in a nice pretty toilet bag together with the book which she could keep privately in a drawer in her bedroom.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[Kathryn]

Sorry your attempt to broach the subject didn't go well, Bagpuss. I hope you can find another way of getting the information across.

 

My son is in year 6 and I know at his school sex education " proper" started in year 5 with a video (which parents were invited to preview) and discussion follow ups. I saw the video and it was a very gentle introduction to how your body changes. I think this year there will be more focus on reproduction. I don't know what other schools do though - it may be worth asking your daughter's school how they approach the subject and what they've already done.

 

Just a thought - children hear and read all kinds of half truths and exaggerations and your daughter may have picked up some distorted version of the facts which is worrying her? I'm thinking of something L said to me recently about this - at a young age she absorbed a lot of information from encyclopedias and so I assumed she understood everything about puberty and reproduction - she talked as if she did. But I didn't realise her tendency to take things literally - when she read that her body would produce an "egg" every month this really disturbed her, apparently. The only "eggs" she knew about were the ones you eat for breakfast.. She kept her fears to herself though and I would never have guessed.

 

K x

Edited January 5, 2008 by Kathryn

[Bagpuss]

Thanks again everyone, your advice means alot.

 

She was really distressed at the thought of a book, so I'm unsure if leaving one in her room would be a good idea at the moment. The only way I could calm her down, was to promise she didn't have to look at the book, or discuss it further, and we'd hardly touched on it really. Trouble is, I can't get to the bottom of why she is so upset about the idea of a book, she says she doesn't know why. One of the reasons I wanted to tackle this, is because I was concerned that her reaction to being told about periods would be the same yours Mumble. That is how I would envisage her to react, although I could be making assumptions and be proved wrong. Ditto the scenario you had Kathryn with your dd and the "egg". I can absolutely see my dd reacting the same way. With my ds I was ok, because I could be open and frank with him and gauge his level of understanding. I knew he'd overheard things from his friends too. I could also leave him alone with the book I had bought, and know he would read it, in his own time, and I felt comfortable with that and made it clear I was available to answer any questions he had at any point in the future. He complains I am too open and straight forward With dd I feel she is no where near mature enough, but her body is going to begin to change, and she is point blank refusing to discuss it. She has no understanding of it, and from what I've witnessed today, it really scares her to even touch on the subject. I had hoped to start slowly, and begin to discuss the changes she will see in her body. Then leave it for a few months, and move onto periods. Then much, much later, when she began secondary school, discuss sex etc.

[pearl]

It is difficult isnt it, & I think down to the gap between physical/emotional maturity in our children. I've left most discussions with JP to Mr p, but I think we've probably neglected this somewhat.

[Bagpuss]

I had to tackle this with ds Pearl, because DH's idea of appropriate advice was to offer to give ds a copy of his FHM

 

[Bard]

It is difficult isnt it, & I think down to the gap between physical/emotional maturity in our children. I've left most discussions with JP to Mr p, but I think we've probably neglected this somewhat.

 

Hmm, I've had other problems, in that I'm not allowed to hug or kiss him if there is anyone around, but he's quite happy to ask me questions about 'developments' often whilst he's sitting in the bath. And to ensure clarity, he's also happy to show me.

Often his volume control goes at this point, so anyone else in the house can hear too. But they can't let on, or we have mega meltdown. So far, it's just been the mechanics that he's interested in!

[pearl]

Hmm, I've had other problems, in that I'm not allowed to hug or kiss him if there is anyone around, but he's quite happy to ask me questions about 'developments' often whilst he's sitting in the bath. And to ensure clarity, he's also happy to show me.

Often his volume control goes at this point, so anyone else in the house can hear too. But they can't let on, or we have mega meltdown. So far, it's just been the mechanics that he's interested in!

 

Aaah, yes. When JP was about 9 or so, he used to delight in telling his nana when his, umm, "hydraulics" were working unbidden