hello iam new and have a ten yr old with Aspergers

[kernow]

HI, hoped some one could come up with some good suggestions that might help me. I have a ten yr old who has mild aspergers, we believe dyspraxia and she also has coeliac disease. As late i am finding it harder to deal with her. I have a little boy of seven who suffers terribly at her hands, if things dont go her way she makes his life hell. She can be sweet as any thing, then really nasty with screaming tantrums and the usual door slamming. The thing i dont no if her behaviour at the moment is just her being horrid, she has the normal routine things like collecting the most strangest things, certain things need to be done in a certain way and so forth but with this behaviour at the moment there is no pattern and thats what i find hard. I love my Daughter and would do anything for her but at the moment i feel like i dont like her, i feel down with her and especially with myself for not being able to cope. Please dont think me a bad Mother, thats just how i feel at present.

Thankyou

[caz2007]

welcome to the fourm.

dont think your an bad mother reading some of that i remmer me beeing like that nice one mine and nasty i donw now why this is i'm looking in a as at the momet and also rother new here.

take care

caroline

[purplehaze]

Hello, Firstly no one will think your a bad mum and a lot of parents with ASD children go through this feeling.

 

I have a son with ASD who is 14 and his behaviour can be horrible, he has ripped his bedroom door off the hinges, put holes in doors, jumped out of his bedroom window, thrown things at me etc etc.

 

I'm afraid I haven't got the right answer but I can tell you it is part of the ASD wanting things their way and not seeing how others feel. Try and keep calm, ignore and praise all the good stuff.

 

Have you any support/professionals involved? Is there anyone who could offer behaviour management?

 

Just keep posting on here and we can support you X

[Karen A]

Kernow Welcome to the Forum.

Lots of us here have felt down with ourselves at some point so you have plenty of company and understanding.Karen.

[baddad]

Hi kernow -

welcome to the forum

 

Sometimes it's impossible trying to unravel what might be behind behaviour, so all you can really do is respond consistently to it At least that way you know that it's something 'other' than the usual stuff when you get blips, so you can start looking round to see what the 'others' are...

 

With a ten year old, I think the two most likely 'others' are changes at school (SATS/the move to secondary coming up etc), and biological changes that are just starting to happen. Additionally, I think this age can bring about big leaps in social expectations placed on kids, and in their personal awareness/unease about those expectations.

As for 'bad mother' and 'loving but finding it hard to like' - I think most of us have been there and will be again at some point The guilt goes with the territory - but it is misplaced... for my money, beware the perfect parents, 'cos unless you live in Stepford they're the odd ones out!

BD

[kernow]

Hi kernow -

welcome to the forum

 

Sometimes it's impossible trying to unravel what might be behind behaviour, so all you can really do is respond consistently to it At least that way you know that it's something 'other' than the usual stuff when you get blips, so you can start looking round to see what the 'others' are...

 

With a ten year old, I think the two most likely 'others' are changes at school (SATS/the move to secondary coming up etc), and biological changes that are just starting to happen. Additionally, I think this age can bring about big leaps in social expectations placed on kids, and in their personal awareness/unease about those expectations.

As for 'bad mother' and 'loving but finding it hard to like' - I think most of us have been there and will be again at some point The guilt goes with the territory - but it is misplaced... for my money, beware the perfect parents, 'cos unless you live in Stepford they're the odd ones out!

BD

[kernow]

Hi, thank you to all who answerd replied, its good to hear from other people who are going through or been through the same thing, makes you feel less alone, Sorry Baddad i seem to have put your reply back on, dont no what happened there, when you mentioned about the guilt that brought a tear to my eye, i tend to lose the plot at times and shout back but it goes straight over my Daughters head and after i feel really guilty, (its like, who's the adult).

Once again thanks

[harmony]

HI, hoped some one could come up with some good suggestions that might help me. I have a ten yr old who has mild aspergers, we believe dyspraxia and she also has coeliac disease. As late i am finding it harder to deal with her. I have a little boy of seven who suffers terribly at her hands, if things dont go her way she makes his life hell. She can be sweet as any thing, then really nasty with screaming tantrums and the usual door slamming. The thing i dont no if her behaviour at the moment is just her being horrid, she has the normal routine things like collecting the most strangest things, certain things need to be done in a certain way and so forth but with this behaviour at the moment there is no pattern and thats what i find hard. I love my Daughter and would do anything for her but at the moment i feel like i dont like her, i feel down with her and especially with myself for not being able to cope. Please dont think me a bad Mother, thats just how i feel at present.

Thankyou

 

Hi

So glad you joined this forum. I have a 12 yr old daughter (well 12 in 3 weeks time) with AS, she also has dyspraxia, and although she doesn't have coeliac disease, one of my other children does so I understand the frustrations of diet etc. My lovely daughter is driving me mad too. I have been told by others that puberty makes the symptoms 10 times worse, so hold on to your hat it's a bumpy ride ahead. On the plus side if we can get through this dreadful time in one piece, I have also been told that our lovely girls will come out the other end none the worse and will eventually be back to their cheerful selves again.

In the meantime we need a lot of patience, and several large glasses of wine. I have just started a diary of when dd's meltdowns are, how she feels, how I feel, how I reacted etc. I also put down any positive things, however small. Such as dd feeding the fish, and selecting an outfit that doesn't clash, and spending 10 minutes with her brothers without causing a row etc etc. After a few days I read it back, yes It does make for pretty hard reading but what I see is that although things are bad, they could be an auful lot worse! My nephew is autistic and is 15, he is incontinent, and has never been able to speak, he is violent, and screams for hours at a time. I think I have got off lightly in comparison. One thing I noticed over the weekend dd consumed a great deal of sugar, being Easter there were plenty of eggs around. Today she has been really dreadful. I wonder how much of an impact the sugar has had on her system. Am baning it now for a week, to see if I can notice any difference.

wishing you all the best, you will always have support from the forum

 

Harmony

[Kinda]

Kernow

 

My 2p worth, someone once told me you love your children but at times you do not have to like them!!!! I think this for me explains what you feel at the moment but as you realise the dislike relates to their behaviour and once that becomes acceptable the like and love merge together.

 

I think the question of what is just your daughter and what is linked to the AS is a question that can not be answered but looking back at my own experiences a lot of it is linked to the frustration they feel with communication and relationship and life in general. Unfortunately I don't think there is any quick fix but rather a journey of trying to find help for your daughter that allows her to understand herself a bit better and to allow her to achieve and raise her self esteem.

 

This is also a learning yourney for yourself of course and you will begin to understand your daughters behaviour better and learn what sometimes makes her react the way she does.

 

We went for years thinking our son's behaviour was due to him going through his teens only to find out years later after his teens that he had mild AS. When we knew this allowed us to understand a bit better why he was the way he was but you are already there. I think if you can find out as much about AS as possible, try and understand what triggers your daughter's behaviour (I realise you have said at this stage you don't know what triggers it but perhaps in the future you will find some links) .

 

For me I think if your daughter can find something that she can do well at this will raise her self esteem which may help. My son played International Hockey and represented England in France, Canada and USA and has just been sent by his company to Las Vegas for a conference. When I took him to the airport he was on a high and couldn't believe life could be so good and said "dad how could this happen to me, who would have thought it?"

 

While I'm obviously very proud of him the main point of the email and telling you a bit of his life is to give hope that AS children can succeed and compete with NT children.

[baddad]

Hi, thank you to all who answerd replied, its good to hear from other people who are going through or been through the same thing, makes you feel less alone, Sorry Baddad i seem to have put your reply back on, dont no what happened there, when you mentioned about the guilt that brought a tear to my eye, i tend to lose the plot at times and shout back but it goes straight over my Daughters head and after i feel really guilty, (its like, who's the adult).

Once again thanks

 

Ooops - didn't mean to make you blub! Yep, we're the adults, but then adults shout at each other too sometimes . telling kids off when they need it is just as important as cuddles when they need them. Sometimes 'loud telling off' is a necessary requirement because of ambient noise levels. Sometimes it's because we've 'lost it'. Ho hum!

[Clare63]

Hi Kernow

 

Welcome to the forum, I am sure you have found out already you have come to the right place, people are lovely and very supportive here.

 

Clare x x x

[kernow]

Hi thanks to everybody who replied, What you wrote harmony about the sugar made sense and Abb always gets really excited when something special is going to happen ( Easter) which then turns her nasty because she gets so worked up she does not know what to do with herself. i hope she grows to become aware of her clothes the things she comes down wearing at times is un believable

[harmony]

Hi thanks to everybody who replied, What you wrote harmony about the sugar made sense and Abb always gets really excited when something special is going to happen ( Easter) which then turns her nasty because she gets so worked up she does not know what to do with herself. i hope she grows to become aware of her clothes the things she comes down wearing at times is un believable

 

I so empathise with the clothes thing. My dd is so beautiful, very tall and slim, but OMG her sense of what to wear! stripes with spots, odd socks, clashing colours. She will never let me help her choose what to put on. I now try to buy plain things as much as poss so as not to confuse the matter. She has thick curly shoulder length hair, that many a woman would pay a fortune for, yet she hates washing it or brushing it, I think the poor child has had more than her fair share of nits, but there is always somewhere for them to hide in her mane. All I can think is that she is going to be a fashion leader, quirky, different, and stands out from the crowd. Zandra Rhodes has made a fortune from it, so there is always hope!!

 

Harmony

[Bagpuss]

Hi and welcome to the forum

[JsMum]

A nice warm welcome, I have a 11 year old son and we go throw some of the same behaviours you have mentioned, your defo not a bad mother, but one that deeply cares and wants to help your daughter, so please dont put yourself down, its a tremendous hard work supporting our children, with special needs it takes much more determination and it depleats out energy, here I am sure you will get lots more help and support, its a great friendly forum and it has certainly has bags of understanding, I got upset yesterday with a stranger because its clear a lot of society just simply dont understand and that breaks me the most, but coming here really helps me and I get some good advice.

 

From what you describe from your daughter she is going into puberty as well and this together with AS will be really difficult, Js problems are from frustration and not been able to express and communicate, we are working very hard to help him deal with this, its hard work but you are among good people and I hope you stick around to see and hopefully you wont feel so alone and that you will see that actually your a good caring mum.

 

Welcome.

 

JsMum

[kernow]

Hi thanks JSmum, Abb only has mild Aspergers, she can communicate well with people she is top of the class at school and she can give you good eye contact (Iam told a lot of Aspergers children cant) but because she does not stand out as special needs people just think she is being rude when she tells people wot she thinks, such as, why are you fat, and the other day she said to my Sister( thank goodness it was my Sister) what pet name do you call your fat tummy. If you ask her anything as well she must tell you every thing in detail from statr to finish and gets quite upset if you try and shorten the story for her. She is very fussy with her meals as well, she wont eat any thing that is touching anything else such as mash and beans, they must not touch. I have been trying for a couple of years to get the Doctors to refer her as she has some of the same traits as her cousin who is severly Aspergers but they said she is just mild and she should be able to go mainstream School but a i am worried as when she was younger she could get away with some of her behaviour but as she is getting older her friends are becoming more mature and Abb's seems quite childish and she is starting to get picked on because the kids can now see she is a little different. I get upset a little when children are mean to her and they can say the most hurtfull things but luckly it goes straight over the top of her head.

Thankyou all for your replies, is there anybody else whos Child is going to be or is attending mainsteam School if so i would love to hear from you. many thanks

[harmony]

Hi thanks JSmum, Abb only has mild Aspergers, she can communicate well with people she is top of the class at school and she can give you good eye contact (Iam told a lot of Aspergers children cant) but because she does not stand out as special needs people just think she is being rude when she tells people wot she thinks, such as, why are you fat, and the other day she said to my Sister( thank goodness it was my Sister) what pet name do you call your fat tummy. If you ask her anything as well she must tell you every thing in detail from statr to finish and gets quite upset if you try and shorten the story for her. She is very fussy with her meals as well, she wont eat any thing that is touching anything else such as mash and beans, they must not touch. I have been trying for a couple of years to get the Doctors to refer her as she has some of the same traits as her cousin who is severly Aspergers but they said she is just mild and she should be able to go mainstream School but a i am worried as when she was younger she could get away with some of her behaviour but as she is getting older her friends are becoming more mature and Abb's seems quite childish and she is starting to get picked on because the kids can now see she is a little different. I get upset a little when children are mean to her and they can say the most hurtfull things but luckly it goes straight over the top of her head.

Thankyou all for your replies, is there anybody else whos Child is going to be or is attending mainsteam School if so i would love to hear from you. many thanks

 

 

Hi

My DD goes to mainstream school, top of class in IT does reasonably well in most subjects A's B's but her handwriting is auful, so now does most of her schoolwork on a laptop. She has trouble in sports, hates team games, can't see the point, also her gait when running is very odd. Other children do see her as a bit strange, this has become more obvious as she has got older, she is much more immature than her peers but thankfully has got together with another couple of odd balls ( but absoloutly sweet as anything) with various issues of their own although am not sure what. DD copes fine at mainstream school, The school is quite tough on her, but she has to learn boundries.

RE; fat tummy incident. DD said to a male friend who is sensitive about his age/hair etc. " Why is your hair orange, it used to be blonde" he was so embarased, and made some excuise about it being in the family etc. she then said " you are lying, mummy says you colour it, and have made a right hash of it" I wanted the ground to swallow me up, but she was being absoloutly honest.

C'est la vie

 

Harmony

[kernow]

Hi Harmony, your DD and my Abb same very similar. She does come out with some funny things at times, once i told her to stop pulling that face when she had been told off and as she turned around i said, Abb i told you to stop pulling that face and she said i have stopped pulling that face, this is a different one. The other day Abb was talking to me like something she stepped in and i said to her, who do you think you are! and she said, I know who iam, iam Abbie, Bless. I hope my Daughters gets on as well as yours.

Many thanks

[julie1]

hello ..i also have a ten year old with speach and langauge difficulties dyspraxia and some developmental delay. we were told that these difficulties will make her display asd behaviour. she is v much hard work at the moment and i also feel ashamed to say that i dont like her v much. she is nasty she hits other children and also hits/kicks me. I do understand that she cannot express herself in another way right now, but that does not make it any better for the rest of the family.she now has a statment for school and we are hoping that she will calm down when she gets the right amount of support.we just hope she can start to make friends and learn how to be socialble with other people.

[shellw]

Hi,

Wow, your daughter sounds like my son - and - I admit sometimes I too 'lose it' with him, it is very difficult I think to live in a strict routine and I get frustrated when he has to walk around the house four times before leaving home or refuses his meal beause one pea is touching a potatoe!!!! I just think its so hard - Josh also goes to a mainstream school and when he goes through an obsessive stage it can be awful for bullying such as when he decided to performm gymnastics in the playground! On the other hand Josh often repeats things he hears several days later word for word and can therefore believe someone is picking on him after repeating a comment - he dosen't understand that the comment is not nice!

Anyway, the thing about sports is the same including the gait when running - the others call him 'penguin boy'.

Sorry if I am waffling, I am brand new to this forum thing but wanted to reply because I jus so recognise your desperation for change!

 

Shell x <'>