Unpredictable Meltdown?

[Mumble]

Something that hasn't happened before happened last night and it's left me really scared that it might happen again and I'd really appreciate your thoughts, either as ASD peeps or parents of...

 

Previously, I've had meltdowns, but they've been predictable in that I've been aware of getting stressed/sensory-overloaded and although I might have become tearful/exhibited some self-stimulatory behaviours in public, I've been able to get myself to a safe place, usually my room where I have soft cushions round my bed, where either I've been able to calm down, or if it did escalate to meltdown, I was safe, away from other people and could just let it run its course.

 

Yesterday evening/night was very different. Yes I was certainly stressed and was very tired but I was aware of this and as far as I was aware no where near meltdown. I went to the dining hall at the usual time for my evening meal - again, I'm aware that this causes me problems with sensory overload but it's manageable , and if not, I leave and go to my room. But sitting down for my meal I went from OK to full meltdown literally in seconds.

 

I was in tears, making all sorts of noises, repeatedly banging my head/face hard against the concrete wall (I have a wonderful bruise in the middle of my head and two semi-black eyes this morning ) and rocking, for over two hours, with an audience (some who seemed to really enjoy the show ) for over two hours, completely unable to communicate with anyone - I was aware that some students had come over and were trying to talk to me but everything was distorted so I couldn't understand them or really even see them properly and I couldn't speak at all. Eventually someone rather than enjoying the show must have gone to get the hall managers who came and sat with me (they know about my autism) and then when I'd calmed down enough to comprehend what was going on walked with me to my room and after they'd spoken to me for a while and tried to get me to eat, I fell asleep, completely exhausted for over 12 hours.

 

I feel really ashamed about what happened - I've always avoided an audience and made sure I was somewhere safe - but this time I had no control and no awareness this was going to happen. I feel awful this morning and really scared that it could happen again, anywhere, at any time without me being able to make sure I was safe, and I'm terrified of being dragged off and locked up because someone who might find me doesn't understand what's going on. I don't want to go to dinner this evening (I slept through breakfast) because I'm really worried that students might come up to me and depending on who they are, either taunt me or try and talk to me and I won't know what to say.

 

Why wasn't this predictable? Why didn't I know it was going to happen? What do I do now - not go anywhere in case it happens? It hardly seems a solution but I'm so scared.

[llisa32]

Hiya <'>

 

I'm so sorry you had a rotten time last night - I can only imagine how awful having an audience while you were having a meltdown like that must have felt <'>

 

I'm going to hazard a guess about why last night was unpredictable...you have been trying really really hard to be exactly the same as the way you perceive your peers to be in the last few weeks, I accept your reasons for doing so...and I know how hard it is for you in your current enviroment to truely be yourself...but I think that...and a culmination of things that have occured in the last few days probably stored up within you until the only place to go was out!

 

Bit like when I asbsolutely let rip at one of the people supposed to be fixing my boiler a month or so ago...I had a lot of stress going on at the time, from all angles...the gasman I found him mildly irritating one second, the next I found myself literally throwing him out of the house for being a useless so and so!

 

It wasn't particularly that moment with him that had got me so wound up and ready to burst - more like he was the final straw.

 

I think thats probably what happened last night for you...we can all only take so much before we explode.

 

Same with J if he's having a week at skool involving skool plays, sports events and his least fav subjects....I'll pick him up from school and he'll be chatting to me perfectly fine...then the slightest thing wrong at home which he might normally ignore (cat sitting on his blanket) will cause a huge meltdown. The meltdown is then a surprise to me because on the surface he seemed to be coping fine.

 

The solutions not an easy or quick one...if we are overloaded with 'stuff' we need to find ways of either off loading them and making them someone elses problem, or quickly gather up help to deal with the issues so they go away.

 

Please don't feel too embarassed to go out of your door today - you are you, you got overloaded with stress and it all came out - an nt bloke might have shouted a lot and kicked a few tables over. And definately you need not feel ashamed.

 

If people are are concerned and say 'how are you doing ?' you can just say 'not so great, but thanks for asking'

 

Will message you in a sec <'> <'>

[Enid]

Oh Mumble, poor you, not knowing anything about you it would be hard for me to answer, but I`m sure lots of others will, you must speak to someone, parents, doctors, staff, etc and ask for help like you have on this site, perhaps share your post with them? if you would find it hard to say. hope some one answers that can help you. Enid

[pearl]

Good advice from llisa - and an extra <'> from me.

And dont be ashamed, meltdowns under some circumstances are no more controllable than epilepsy.

[Mumble]

Thanks <'>

 

I've still got a fantastic headache, and I think I'm going for another early night tonight.

 

llisa, you're probably right about my 'pretending to be normal' act failing Oh and ######'s adding to that of course I need to sort some things out/make some decisions but it all seems so overwhelming, I don't know where to start.

 

I had dinner with the hall managers tonight which helped as I don't think I would have been able to face going in there with the students staring at me and also, as they don't often go in there, they got to appreciate the sensory overload issues I face.

 

And dont be ashamed, meltdowns under some circumstances are no more controllable than epilepsy.

I've never thought about it that way, and it's interesting. I wanted to stop smashing my head against the concrete wall and I couldn't - I tried and felt like I was going to 'explode'. I had to calm down enough to be able not to do it. I wanted to be able to communicate with the people who tried to help (to tell them to go away and that fussing, trying to hold me and telling me to talk really wasn't helping!!) but it was like I wasn't quite existing in the same place/time as them - very scary.

[brooke]

mumble <'> <'>

this must have been very scary for you If it happens again is there anybody the hall managers could call for you to come and at least stay with you?

I hope your feeling a bit better today <'>

[Bard]

<'>

 

I would back what Lisa and Pearl have said. Sometimes under incredible, sustained stress, your brain switches off and your body takes over. And you have no control at all when that happens. Like falling asleep, which is what B does, and it's not his usual grumble and snuffle, more like a coma.

For every student that enjoyed the show, there will be more that were embarrassed and worried because they didn't know what to do or how to help, and feel that they could/should have acted.

Hall managers sound human, but you need to sort out the main source of the problem in order to begin to have control.

Edited May 1, 2008 by Bard

[Roseweave]

I have panic attacks fairly regularly. It's so embarassing in public. I just want to hide away in a little ball