serious incident tonight

[Enid]

Hi, tonight my ds went out to play on the cul-de-sac for 15 mins, till Eastenders started! I was keeping a weather eye on him, at 7-30 went out to tell him and he walked away from me, there had not been any problem before he went out, he wouldnt come near me, and the others said its because we`re staying till 8, I shouted to him all right 8 then, even though I was VERY cross with him for ignoring me, anyway at 8 a little girl banged on the door to say J was really angry and wouldnt let one of the others go home, I went out and he was holding her back by the hood and wouldnt get off even when he saw me, he looked really scary and she was crying, she got away from him and stood with me, I took her to my car to run her home and as we drove past him I stopped to say go home now and he opened the car door and tried to pull her out, I had to physically fight him to get him off, she was terrified of him and she has known him all her life, shes 11, he did go home an sat outside in the car looking evil, I had to get the 18yr old to get him out as he was sounding the horn, when he got in he would have "gone off on one" as we say, but we all are excellent at ignoring him now!! so he calmed down quickly. Now, the reason I am soo worried is this; I couldnt control him, and he looked evil and menacing, as though he may really harm her, oh god, what if he did. Have any of yours been as bad as this?

Edited May 29, 2008 by Enid

[darky]

Oh Enid. Big hugs to you <'> No I have never had an incident as serious as that involving another child. My daughter tends to lash out impulsively in reaction, like the time she threw a gert lump of metal at a girl because she wouldn't play with her. She has lashed out at me and hubby severely when she has been afraid. That is about it.

 

Seems like your son needs some kind of anger management. It can't be easy for you and your family. <'> <'>

[gothschild]

I'm sorry to hear about your trouble Enid,

 

Its hard to deal with them, when the anger is against you, but worse to handle when directed at someone elses child, because you feel kind of responsible for their behaviour.

J has lashed out at people when they have upset him (mostly at school!)and he can no longer control his emotions,he can look quite frightening when like this and nothing you say will stop it.

 

Hope things have calmed down for you today <'> <'> <'>

 

gothschild x

[JsMum]

Hi Enid, I think the problems was that it was the end of what may of been a good time, sometimes J finds it hard when a friend leaves, he gets very anxious before and after, its maybe about letting go, so having a set period or discussing the process of what happens to help him cope with the detatchment or departure of his friends going, our children find it so hard to make and keep friends I think for J he gets scared they wont be there again and wants to keep them for as long as possible, I have had to explain precisely what happens when a friend stays and they play, They arrive, play games, have a snack, play on the xbox, or play outside in the garden, then the car arrives to take friend home.

J has sequencing difficulties and doesnt understand how the process works, from your description he had problems with the departure, letting someone go, in possible fear he felt a permanant loss, I may well be way off but J has been rejected a lot and so when he has friends he is so scared they will leave him.

 

Looking at books that look into friendships and making friends may help and social stories that look at how we spend time with our friends, there is some great books on amazon uk one I have is the unwritten rules of friendship natalie mardorsky elman.

 

Thoughts and feelings making friends, sarah levete may be better suited for younger children but it describes it well throw photos, so less litriture.

 

Another eliement maybe control and power, he wanted to tell his friend when she can go, he needs to be supported that he can not control what his friends do and when they can go, over time this will effect the friends he has and others will begin to aviod him in fear of his reactions.

 

Anger management books are also good too, as they get the person to understand how their reactions effect others, so a good book again I would recommend is starving the anger gremlin as this is a work booklet for young people from around 12/13yrs upwards.

 

I would keep a diary of his interactions with others and how he reacts.

 

Pleased to read he did eventually calm down, the ignoring techneek is really working, you managed to gain back the control in a large extent you did control him and in the end all was safe.

 

JsMum

Edited May 30, 2008 by JsMum

[Enid]

Thank you so much for your replies, some very valuabe advice. J`s mum I will be ordering those books immediately. I had expalined to him exactly what time he was to come in, and gone through it step by step, but it obviously needs more work, I`ll keep trying. Thanks all. Enid

[hev]

enid <'>

[lisa35]

hi, it must be the week for it

Yesteday I had to physically restrain my 12 yr old, my sister was there too

It was actaully my fault, we were in a busy town centre and he was constantly swearing at me, part cos it was noisy and hew as over stimulated, and part cos he having such a hard tiime at school at present. He blames me because I have spoken about another school

Well, I lost it, ended up holding him againsta wall. my knee restrainibg his so he could nt kick me, and my sister holding the other armHe just kept sweraing reall loud, and saying he would spit in face, people looking- that doesnt bother me any more, I was more bothreed that hed hit my sister- he woyuld never have forgiven himself

Afterwards he sobbed in my arms like a baby,he didnt even realise mys sister had his arm,I guess what Im trying to say is in the heat of the meltdown my son has no awareness of his actions, what he says/does. So your son will not maybe realise how scary he looked, or what he was capbale of

Good luck xxx

[JsMum]

Thank you so much for your replies, some very valuabe advice. J`s mum I will be ordering those books immediately. I had expalined to him exactly what time he was to come in, and gone through it step by step, but it obviously needs more work, I`ll keep trying. Thanks all. Enid

 

 

Even with the clear verbal step by step aproach, he may need it in visual aproach too, to help him map out the sequence,

 

also he will still try and use behaviours of challenging the boundries, trying to push the agreed time was his way of trying to gain back the control,

 

I understand that we need to negotiate and meet them half way but if its been presented in step by step and an agreed time then it should stay that way.

 

He will still push you what ever is in place so it may be that there needs to be a more concrete beginning, and end.

 

JsMum.

[JsMum]

hi, it must be the week for it

Yesteday I had to physically restrain my 12 yr old, my sister was there too

It was actaully my fault, we were in a busy town centre and he was constantly swearing at me, part cos it was noisy and hew as over stimulated, and part cos he having such a hard tiime at school at present. He blames me because I have spoken about another school

Well, I lost it, ended up holding him againsta wall. my knee restrainibg his so he could nt kick me, and my sister holding the other armHe just kept sweraing reall loud, and saying he would spit in face, people looking- that doesnt bother me any more, I was more bothreed that hed hit my sister- he woyuld never have forgiven himself

Afterwards he sobbed in my arms like a baby,he didnt even realise mys sister had his arm,I guess what Im trying to say is in the heat of the meltdown my son has no awareness of his actions, what he says/does. So your son will not maybe realise how scary he looked, or what he was capbale of

Good luck xxx

 

 

Hugs lisa, sorry your going throw a difficult moment, hope that things can settle soon.

JsMum <'>

[lisa35]

thanks, we had a lovely day today

Js mum, they do try and try, and even if you slip for one miniscule second- they re in there! Iknow , mine is just same, if ever we change/ flex the rules, takes ages to get back on track xxx

Its like military precision

[lisa35]

we use a timer- have one for 15 mins, and one for 30 mins- eg if say off laptop in 15 minutes- we set it off

It s almost like they need a warning of whats going to happen next

They were nt cheap- but have been useful

x

[JsMum]

we use a timer- have one for 15 mins, and one for 30 mins- eg if say off laptop in 15 minutes- we set it off

It s almost like they need a warning of whats going to happen next

They were nt cheap- but have been useful

x

 

 

Thats a good point, a warning, as this prepares them for the change. we use warnings and we use a time timer, a visual time concept to help them see how much time they have, there availble in a watch now too a bit expensive though.

 

But great point to give a warning.

 

JsMum

[Enid]

Well he`s in bed, watching tv, but in bed thank god <'> He has been as high as a kite all day which always happens when he is about to have a dfficult phase I took on board and followed everyones advice, gave him very clear guidelines, he played out for 30mins and came back at 8pm, he was watching tv with me and I was praising him up then I went upstairs and he had gone when I came down!!!! I drove round the block, no sign, then a friend rang to say he had turned up in her garden and she would send him home at 8.30 when another child was leaving, I was thought he would go off and hide again, but he came home, I spoke to him about it very calmly even though I didnt feel calm at all and did the usual bedtime routine, but he was dangerously high, manic, Its as though he hasnt had all his medication. So blumming wearing. Till tomorrow then. Enid

[loulou]

Hi Enid,

 

Sorry you're having a tough time. I just wanted to share with you that my son (Kai) is being like that at the moment too. He's been like it all week. I don't know if it's because it's half term and he's lost he's very rigid school routine. I was saying to my parents today that it's as if he hasn't had his meds. He's as high as a kite and is totally on another planet. He's been throwing random objects about and has totally smashed up my garden , for no apparent reason. He's got an "evil"l ook about him aswell, and it's really scaring me. Thankfully he hasn't asked to go out to play, as God only knows what might happen .

 

Lets hope they both calm down soon

 

Hugs <'>

 

loulou xxxxxxxx

[Enid]

Thanx Loulou, it does help to know youre not alone in this! Enid

[elun1]

<'> <'> Lisa and Enid and anyone else having a week of it! O had biggest ever tantrum day before yesterday, it was out in the street and I have to admit that even tho he's only 7 it took every bit of strength to control him and keep his safe. It scared me and I don't know how much longer I can physically restrain him if this happens by road etc again.

Hope things turn a corner for us all soon!

Elun x

[lisa35]

my son just quieten down to sleep, its 2346, hes been up late all week. and sleeping til 0900, so probly thats why

His dad and I are having TWO nights away from tomorow, first time ever, he s not at all happy, but gawd knows we need it

xxxx

[Enid]

Enjoy Enid