Lonely Aspergers wife

[Mumble]

One for the aspie girls here. do you have male fingers?

YES!!!!!! My ring fingers are 1.2 and 1.4cm longer than my index fingers. Apparently that's quite a lot - it is supposed to be related to exposure to male hormones during development in the womb - when I participated in some research at Cambridge ARC, they took photocopies of my hands to measure my fingers.

[bid]

Me too, Floz!!

 

Bid

[Tally]

My ring fingers are precisely the same length as my pointing fingers, on both hands. It's meant to mean lots of things.

[Bard]

 

You know what they say about that in certain ancient rural communities?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's one of the signs that indicate

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a possible

 

 

 

 

 

 

werewolf.

[Mumble]

Just be thankful that the next full moon isn't until a week after the Greenwich meet

[pearl]

So are mine, Bard

*howls*

[wafta]

I've been struggling with something similar with my current partner and I have to say that the conclusion I've reached is that you either accept someone as they are or you don't !

 

As a very emotional/tactile/affectionate person myself, I did initially find his "coldness" quite upsetting. I have a 13 year old son with AS who has always shown a major lack of affection/emotion and, if I've managed to live with that from my own child, then I decided I could also live with that from the man I plan to be with.

 

Without stereotyping, I have to say that maybe you should try focussing on the good things rather than the bad. After having relationships with men in the past who have given "false" affection and said things they obviously don't mean to get their own way, I would much rather be with someone who is totally honest with their feelings and doesn't use affection as a tool in a relationship.

 

I find that I know exactly where I stand in my current relationship and that totally outweighs the lack of things that usually die out eventually anyway!

 

Both my son and my man have qualities that I find very rare in other people and, if your husband is anything like them, you should appreciate those qualities. For example, I know that when either of them says I look good, I really do and, when I ask them for an opinion on something, I get the truth every time. Just because they have problems showing love, definately doesn't mean they don't feel love and that is the most important thing in any relationship.

 

I don't mean to offend you and I apologise if I do, but this is your husband and not someone you've only known a few months. You must have known what he was like before you married him and, if you could accept it then, why can't you accept it now? Its really no different to being with someone who is NT, you're either compatible or you're not, the only person that can decide that is you unfortunately.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can resolve this problem, maybe with a little outside help if necessary, but my advice to you is to appreciate people for what/who they are and focus on their positives.

[bid]

I have been thinking and thinking about this topic recently, and I hope this will be accepted in the right spirit

 

If you think or know from a formal dx that your partner has AS, I think it might offer a different perspective to look at things in relation to your ASD child.

 

What do you think are reasonable expectations for other people to have of your child?

 

I'm guessing that you wouldn't accept other people expecting your child to have NT emotional responses. You will want people to accept your child for the person they are, not the NT person they are not.

 

I think there are expectations which are entirely reasonable to have of someone on the spectrum, for example, that they are not physically or verbally abusive. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect them to be able to provide NT emotional responses, because they are not and never will be NT.

 

I think we all know how damaging it is to our ASD child's self esteem to be constantly found wanting rather than being accepted for who they are.

 

One day your ASD child may be someone's partner.

 

Bid

Edited July 2, 2008 by bid

[Bard]

I have often thought that falling for my OH helped prepare me for accepting B and loving him just the way he is.

Doesn't mean that I don't occasionally want to throw things,

or that being married is easy.

[billabong]

Hello there

 

I'm one of the new members (from yesterday), so hello to everyone on this thread. It's taken me some time (duh, a bit slow on computers - unlike Aspie DH who enjoys computer code manuals for bedtime reading) to find something relating to partners of AS people. Oh what sweet relief! Some of what I've read has made me say 'YES!' and some has been challenging - in a positive sense, on the whole. I love my DH, but we do go through times - like at the moment - when it is not just hard work, but really, really hard work and I have to keep reminding myself, day at a time, and it will get better. Which it does. I think this web-site is going to be sanity-saving. And thank-you for those who have listed the positive qualities of AS, it really helps to focus on his lovely traits!

 

Has anyone read stuff about being a highly-sensitive person? I've recently come across this concept - highly-sensitive in the sense of being easily over-stimulated - in a book of the same name - and found it had as many 'a-ha' ie light-bulb moments relating to me as when I read up about AS and recognised DH. So I'm as 'differently wired' as he is! Probably not the best combination of wirings, either. I was fascinated to read about the traits of the hsp, as quite a few seemed similar to AS - I can get overwhelmed and can't distinguish voices in social situations, hate loud noises and bright lights, so did a google search on Asperger and highly-sensitive person. Found one Asperger reviewer of the book who recognised the similarities. I'd be interested to hear if anyone else has come across this. (Hope you can make sense of this last paragraph - no wonder DH has problems understanding me!)

 

Bye for now,

 

Billabong (another lonely Aspergers wife)