Friendships

[Kinda]

This is something I?ve been considering for a long time and that is whether to tell my son that he may have AS which manifests itself in particular regarding relationships.

 

He is mid twenties and has a good job but doesn?t have any friends and any that he does try and make invariably ends up with a falling out. I?m trying to help him but don?t know if telling him or giving advice will help him or not.

 

He has always had difficulty accepting that he had learning difficulties and refused to acknowledge his Special Needs Statement which in fact we shelved at one point in his demands to be treated as a ?normal? child.

 

Anyway as time passes on we watch from the side lines at repeated attempts to make friends and maintain relationships and since we aren?t present when a problem arises its really difficult to help him.

 

The question I?m really asking is why is it so difficult for AS people to make friends and how do we help him.

 

I know my wife and myself will not talk to him about our concerns and I think I know he knows I have concerns regarding AS and himself the problem is that I think it will de-stabilise him and I?m not sure what benefit will accrue.

 

So how do we help him with relationships, and find out what the specific problems are. He seems to have difficulty understanding and caterings for others requirements and communicating his own requirements from a relationship.

 

i've asked this question before and received varied answers, I can not see any benefit unfortunatley for telling him!! But I would like to help him with the social skills

Edited July 17, 2008 by Kinda

[chill2computer]

Hi

Since I can remember my obsession were to be normal, I did not like being different and it confused me why I was called different. I suffered depression and became over whelmed emotionally with the pressure to put myself across as being the same as every one else. I was lucky enough to gain access to an AS councillor. My councillor was able to explain why I was different, why people misinterpret my action and it was ok to be me.

 

My life has changed since then I joined an AS social group and found for the first time real friends who understands me and I understand them. I do not have to have the pressure of pretending to be normal.

 

If I asked you to go out side and pretend to be a dog, people would give you all sorts of abuse and you would get laughed at, because you are pretending to be a dog you could not verbally tell them you are just pretending because dogs dont talk but You would feel awkward, strange, misunderstood and more than likely get arrested and sent to a mental hospital. When you arrive at the mental hospital and try to tell them you are confused, to why you are there because all you did was try to be different and see how it felt. The hospital doctors may misinterpreted this information and lock you up for good. You would feel so frustrated because you could not understand how it all went wrong.

 

I am not saying your son is a dog just trying to explain how it is for him in a term you may understand.

 

not sure if any of this helps.

[Flora]

Hiya, this strikes a resounding code with me!

 

I was dx with AS last year.... I was happy to have the dx and I adapted quite smoothly moving from the suspecting phase to the confirmation phase.

 

However, if someone had suggested this to me when I was a lot younger, say late teens and well into my 20's I would have been horrified and in denial. I spent most of those years working very hard to fit in and be 'normal', and even though I knew I was so different from those around me I wouldn't, at that time, have had it any other way.

 

My advice to you is that while your son is still working and trying to adapt and fit in say nothing. There may come a time when he runs out of steam and the understanding, insight and support of his family will be very welcome to him, but until that time comes let him find his own way. He'll make mistakes, there may well be times where he is very sad and confused, but it's obvious that at this time he wants to keep this very private and to himself and would not welcome any intervention.

 

Keep an eye on the situation, and be there to pick up the pieces and help him if/when the time is right, but until such a time you have to let him find his own way.

 

That's just my opinion of course.

 

Flora X

[Kinda]

Hi chill2computer and Flora

 

Thank you for your kind advice, and it seems you endorse no action at present which is a comfort to me. I think my son knows but I don't think he can cope with yet another label. If he knows then he will talk to us when he is ready and after perhaps many frustrations.

 

I'm also conscious that he is now a grown man and therefore legally independant and therefore our (parents) relationship with him has had to change to recognise this but it doesn't stop us worrying for him. I deal with it and sometimes get frustrated whereas my wife tends to shut it out, I want to talk about it and my wife doesn't.

 

Its very difficult to know what to do for the best but perhaps as you suggest the best we can do is to be there for him and let him come to us when he is ready.

 

I worry for him and about him and at times its difficult to deal with and its difficult to think about the future but then I feel terribly guilty because there are far more affected more than my son by AS.

 

Kinda thanks for the advice.

[pearl]

I do understand how you feel Kinda. I'm with Flora on this. He's grown up, holding down a job, doing ok-ish & isnt ready to face the idea of a dx. All you can do is be there for him if & when he is. I'm busy "letting go" of my lad & it is the hardest thing letting them go their own way. We help when its wanted, butt out when its not!

 

Our latest idea re. friendships is to join an outdoor pursuits club. (Now outdoor pursuits to me means sitting outside drinking wine) but the idea is for me & Mr p to gradually withdraw as JP gets to know peeps, then he will have an independent social life. We have always found that a shared interest is the way forward with him rather than NT style socialising.

[chill2computer]

Hi Kinda

My parents were very worried about me but did not have any understanding of AS therefore we clashed in every way and they were unaware their behaviour towards me pushed me further away from them.

When I worked it out with some help from the councillor I was then ready to talk to my parents. The most important thing I needed was my parents to listen and not give advice this can be hard for any parent because parents love there children and want so desperately to help.

 

It is hard as a parent to work out what to do. I have a daughter at the age of seventeen and she will not acknowledge she has AS, my son became so over whelmed in trying to figure out why he was different so he was open to his diagnoses and has a better understanding of why he comes across as different. I have to just listen to my daughter off load and not comment on anything or she will see this as pressure.

I have to communicate in a very positive way at all times when I talk to her. Sometimes I feel like I am walking on egg shells and have to be very careful how I talk to her.

 

In my last post I explained what every day could be like for him, I did not mean to worry you further.

Tell him how proud of him you are and remember to tell him exactly what you are proud of.

Sorry if I up set any one on my last post.

[Kinda]

Hi Chll2computer and Pearl

 

No worries regarding upsetting me!

 

We have suggested joining some sort of a club to help him socialise so we seem to be on the same path. I guess its like all of us in that generally we cope day to day but then every so often it seems to overwhelm, we get upset and then get over it and get on with life.

 

I think that's why I come and go from the forum because I sometimes can cope better than others.

 

Thanks to everyone again its helped me sort out what to do and not!

 

Kinda

[oxgirl]

I totally agree with Flora's post. Your lad is still young and, when he is older, he might be ready to explore himself further, but it doesn't sound as if he is ready to face it yet and wants to just 'get on' as best he can. I remember when my lad was dx, my husband was in his mid thirties and was suddenly confronted with the real possibility that he had AS too. I have to say that it rocked him to the core. All his life he had jogged along as well as he could without stopping to think about why he was the way he was and to be suddenly confronted with the 'truth' was almost too much for him. For a very, very long time he was extremely self-conscious of his every move and every word that he said. It changed the way he felt he came across and he lost confidence, fearing that every time he stpoke to someone, people who he had known for years, that he was suddenly coming across as 'weird' and it took him quite a while to come to terms with himself and his renewed perception of himself. I have to say, now, early ten years later, he is at peace with it and accepts that he is what he is (he has no dx), but I really feel that a person has to be 'ready' to deal with this because it can change everything that you ever thought about yourself. I remember him saying that he suddenly felt that everything in his childhood had been a lie and he found the knowledge very frightening and unnerving.

 

~ Mel ~

[warrenpenalver]

He is mid twenties and has a good job but doesn?t have any friends and any that he does try and make invariably ends up with a falling out. I?m trying to help him but don?t know if telling him or giving advice will help him or not.

Id say giving him advice as a parent is good. Im in a situation where im dealing with the possibility of having an ASD and its something i never considered when younger nor did i want to accept i was different (denial in its purest form!! I knew different from late teens but still attempted to fit in until mid twenties when i gave up and withdrew!). You mention his statement so denail is almost certainly there.

 

Thing is what does he really want?? Inside for himself, not what he believes he is "supposed" to want to fit in with norms. (for example i used to think i wanted to be married and have 2 kids and a house with drive and wash car on sunday morning, but thats not what i want but what i was bought up to believe is normal). If he is genuinely happy as he is then leave him be. suggest new ideas maybe to broaden horizons but even if hes unhappy he wont change unless he wants to or sees a point in trying.

 

Anyway as time passes on we watch from the side lines at repeated attempts to make friends and maintain relationships and since we aren?t present when a problem arises its really difficult to help him.

as long as he knows you'll be there and help, theres not much more you can do.

 

He seems to have difficulty understanding and caterings for others requirements and communicating his own requirements from a relationship.

This is pretty common with ASD i think. Some aspects he can learn with the right help to recognise things and the language to communicate his needs too.

[Kinda]

Hi Mel and Warrenpalver

 

Thanks for your kind words and it seems what we are doing seems the best way forward for him. Its just heartbreaking to see it and know there isn't much you can do to help.

 

Thanks

 

Kinda

[warrenpenalver]

another thing to remember is your expectations and his may well differ significantly!!

[Kinda]

another thing to remember is your expectations and his may well differ significantly!!

 

Hi warrenpenalver

 

I realise that but that thought only kicks in every now and again unfortunately. We moved to a bigger house 1 years ago as we thought the house would be full of friends dropping by and on sleepovers but it never happpened. Perhaps its the fact that our expectations have not been met?

 

I think that maybe part of it but if I thought he was fully happy being on his own and staying in his room all the time then I would be happy with that but of course he wants the girlfriends and fun of friendships but I think at present he doesn't see the problem. Every now and then he gets frustrated with his life.

 

Yesterday he had a discussion with his mum about an autistic child being depressed and having difficulty with friendships but he didn't make the connection with his own life!!!!

 

Thanks

 

Kinda

[pearl]

full of friends dropping by and on sleepovers

 

Sleepovers, don't talk to me about sleepovers. The absence of them in JP's life has been a blessing! We eventually banned S from having them cos it was SO disruptive, giggling till all hours, kids throwing up, grouchy child next day, not all its cracked up to be!

 

Think Warren is right, our expectations may be very different from those of our child. As I type this, JP is in his room roaring with laughter at a Laurel & Hardy video. As long as that is not ALL he is doing with his life I am happy with that.

[warrenpenalver]

well with AS doesnt mean he wont one day want girlfriends etc, but if i remember correctly its common for people with AS to develop emotionally a lot slower than peers. JP's only 18. I didnt have a girlfriend until 27 so dont be too worried just yet!!!

[pearl]

well with AS doesnt mean he wont one day want girlfriends etc, but if i remember correctly its common for people with AS to develop emotionally a lot slower than peers. JP's only 18. I didnt have a girlfriend until 27 so dont be too worried just yet!!!

 

Ooh I'm not Warren in fact am truly thankful he's not into relationships at the mo, there's enough to deal with! By the two thirds ratio I was reckoning mid-late twenties as well.

[Kinda]

Hi Pearl & WP

 

He has already had a couple of girlfriends, one was a fairly long term relationship (about a year) in which he was very happy and comfortable. That ended and now he is desperate for another but doesn't seem able to make the first step to developing relationships.

 

He's now joined a web dating site but not sure what the outcome of that is as I leave it to him and his mum, I think his mum is enjoying it!!!! We will have to see what comes out of it and I'm not getting involved on this expedition as already there has been some fraught moments over difference of opinion as to how to describe himself, obviously there is a perception from him that he needs to "elaborate" on his life under the belief that he considers himself boring. His mum of course wants him to be himself as she thinks he's lovely as he is, well almost.

 

Kinda