How are you?

[something_different]

Following a discussion online..

 

 

 

When someone asks, "How are you?"

 

I mean in person, at school, work, college, friend of the family etc.

 

whats your normal response?

 

Mine is normally "fine" but almost never ask back "and how are you"

 

sometimes when i remember i will ask how the other person is, but don't usually. it just never comes into my head.

 

Similar with did you have a good weekend? its yes fine thanx, but i never ask the same question back.

 

Maybe i should be training myself to ask these things back? Or is it ok just to asnwer and not ask??

 

Saying good morning, or good afternoon back to people who say it is something i have worked on to remember to say it back. because it makes me appear rude if i don't, but is it rude not to ask how are you? and did you have a weekend? when someone has asked you that question?

 

 

Chatting Online though I always ask how the person is, its comes as the natural thing to type.

 

 

Should this come as a natrual thing in person too?

[jb1964]

Hi Something different,

 

Yes it would come naturally to me to ask the same back - or to ask in the first instance - however, not everyone is the same - my daughter definitely struggles with this and we have to work on it regularly but she just does not think of it - and on the very odd occasion she will say by the time she's thought to say it the moment has passed or the person has moved on etc - but I don't think this is just confined to people with AS.

 

On the other hand I wouldn't be offended if someone didn't reciprocate - although polite conversation is expected by some it is a bit of the how are you - fine thank you and how are you - fine thank you - I can understand how it may seem pointless to some as it is no more than an exchange of the same words - with neither expecting the other to really answer anything other than fine thank you.

 

Although again, you will get some people who do find this as a starter for conversation - although personally I wouldn't tell someone I didn't feel well or had a cold or had a bad day etc - as I just don't feel the need to pass on that information to people I hardly know - or even if I knew them well to be honest - in work for instance - but again everyone is different.

 

If you say fine thank you - you've been polite and answered the question - if you can work on it i would but don't worry about getting it wrong or forgetting sometimes.

 

Take care,

Jb

[CEJesson]

"Im good thanks"

 

then maybe a pause. Then 'are you?'

 

I used to never say the 'are you' bit.

[ScienceGeek]

Normally I say 'fine thanks' short pause and then 'and you?'.

[Tally]

"How are you" is not normally an enquiry into a person's health, it is just a greeting. My uncle lives in Belfast and he says people say, "howyeh," and don't even say, "fine thanks," they just respond, "howyeh," and this is how they say hello to each other.

 

Answering "fine thanks" is polite, but it might be nice to add, "and you?" because it makes the person think you care how they are. It's also a good way to have a short conversation with someone when you don't know what to say.

 

I don't think it's possible to say whether this should come natural because we are all completely different. If you think it might help you have smoother or more successful social interactions with people, then it might be a good idea to try and practise adding, "and you?" If you do it enough times, it will probably just come naturally after a while.

 

"How was your weekend" could be a good conversation starter. You could mention something you did or ask the question back.

 

. . . now, if only I could manage to do those things myself! . . .

 

I get confused because my boss asks, "how are you," and I think he is just using it as a greeting and I reply, "fine thanks," when actually he means, "how are you getting on? Do you need any help?" And I say, "fine thanks," and he thinks that everything is OK with my job even when it isn't.

[pearl]

If its someone I care about & am interested in, it comes naturally to me to ask how they are. If I don't, its more out of politeness really. A social convention.

 

JP has learned this "rule" and applies it without fail to everyone he is on speaking terms with. He often gets compliments on how polite he is.

[something_different]

yeh i know what ur meant to say, just wasn't sure if its learned or something thats supposed to come naturally, as in u don't have to try to remember to say it. i suppose everyone is different and for some it takes effort to remember and for others its a natural thing to say, i talk very naturally online, i think, so strange that the same rules don't follow through when in person.

[warrenpenalver]

I learnt it as a rule!! i had to modify the rule when i wasnt feeling well from "im fine thanks, hows you?" to "Im ok thanks, hows you?" as people would see a mismatch.

[Tally]

I think this is probably a cultural thing that comes naturally to most people who grow up in our culture. But when you have autism you don't pick up this kind of thing innately like most people do, and have to learn it by consciously remembering to do it each time until it becomes natural. There are probably places in the world where it it not common to ask, "how are you," and people from there would have to actively learn to do it too.

 

I think that communicating online comes more naturally to people with autism, because you don't have to worry about all the things involved with face-to-face communication. The fact that you are able to negotiate the whole, "how are you" conversation online might show that you are half-way there with learning to do it face-to-face, because somewhere, you do already know what is expected.