Please help, am desparate - need a translator

[Maria7]

 

On Tuesday morning my partner (35) and I were moving in together and all was great. Tuesday evening he called me saying he is freaked out about the whole thing and now questioning the whole relationship. He says he can't do anything but friends at the moment and just wants some space.

 

The bottom has just dropped out of my world and I not coping so well. I work in social care, fixing problems as part of my job. I have a degree in psychology, worked in mental health and have done many counselling courses yet all I have learnt is completely useless as I am unable to get through to him. I feel I have screwed up - if only I had realised what he has.

 

I was devasted and went to see him but he was so cold. His hugs of comfort were not comforting as he was behind a huge barrier. I was in turmoil - what did I do wrong? After talking with a friend who had a dyspraxic husband, she asked me many questions about his behaviour and said he might have this or Aspergers. After intensive research online (as been unable to sleep since), I realise he has mild AS. It all fits, as if a light bulb has gone on in me. If i only I had known, I would not have agreed to the move as he already had a freak out 2 weeks ago but he still wanted to do it.

 

I need help from fellow AS adults or wives of to know what to say to him. Nothing I say is making it better. I told him he can take as much time as he needs as I don't want to lose him but this is killing me. When I said I would do anything for him, he said that freaks him out also. How can I translate that I love him and would do what ever is takes without making him retreat further into himself? Is it too late? Have I scared him off?

 

We are supposed to be going away for our birthdays next week - all booked. He mailed yesterday me to say he wants to just go as friends as long as we don't talk about moving in or how we feel. How am I supposed to deal with that? Of course I have said yes to going and will try hard not to show my upset. But I want let him to know AS is what he probably has, as I want him to realsie all his charactistics are 'normal' with this and there are many of you out there that could give him some relief and understanding. Also for my own emotional being, I want him to know that I will work with him to deal with things. How do I approach the subject? He knows he is different but would he realise this? I thought maybe I could give him the book - 'AS a love story' to read whilst we are away and see if it would ring any bells. I am scared that if I say something and he freaks, I may lose lose him forever. Any advice will be appreciated??

 

I'm sorry for the essay but having found your site and read replies to some newcomers, you all seem so helpful and friendly so by off-loading to you seems like I am sharing this huge feeling of loss I am going through.

[Tally]

Hi Maria, and welcome to the forum.

 

I think you should hold off telling him about Asperger's until you have got your head around it a bit first. It is hard for an adult to come to terms with the idea that they have a learning disability so you do need to make sure you introduce the idea in a positive way.

 

There are two books I would recommend. The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome by Tony Atwood will give you a very thorough description of AS and the many different ways in which it can present. It also has some strategies you might find helpful. Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford looks at the ways AS can present in adults, and will give you lots of helpful strategies you could try to communicate with him better.

 

As for your relationship, it really is impossible for anyone to say what he is thinking - all people with AS are different so it's impossible to know why he can't cope with this. There are any number of conditions which might make a person fearful of intense relationships, some of which may occur alongside AS. I think you just have to give him as much time as he wants, this is not something either of you can compromise on because it wouldn't work if he is rushed. It might be that he doesn't want ever to share his home.

[Flora]

Hiya Maria,

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

What makes you think that your b/f has AS? Are there other things apart from his reticence to commit that make you think that?

 

There are many reasons why someone might panic at the last minute and pull out of making a long term commitment. Yes, people with AS can have difficulties with making and sustaining relationships, but once they are in one I don't think there's anything in the criteria which suggests they can't commit.

 

You obviously know your b/f and his background; but are other areas of his life affected in a way which would make you think he has AS? Does he have have a job? friends? hobbies? Again, the presence or absence of these things wouldn't necessarily point to AS, but a wider picture would give you the advantage on making that observation.

 

I have AS and have never had any problems committing to a relationship. I have trouble living with a partner, that is just me though and there are many people with AS who are happ in live in relationships; in saying that there are also many people with AS who have trouble forming relationships in the first place. Every body is different, but reticence to commit, as I said, could be the result of loads of different things and not all of them related to AS.

 

That all being said, I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened though, it must be very upsetting for you. As Tally said, give him the space he needs, if he wants to be with you he'll come and seek you out that's for sure, once he has got over his panic. I certainly would hold off raising the question of AS with him, because that could cause all sorts of resentment and reactions that you hadn't anticipated.

 

Flora

[bid]

Welcome to the forum

 

I have AS too (and for what it's worth, I've been married for 15 years ).

 

If your partner does have AS I think it would be absolutely disasterous to raise the idea now if he has already retreated because he is emotionally and physically overwhelmed by the idea of moving in together. I think it could make him disappear completely

 

I think I have said before that in my opinion, the successful suggestion that an adult may have AS is a question of timing. The person in question needs to have reached the right place inside themselves to accomodate the suggestion, and the idea needs to be presented in a very careful, positive way, not as an explanation of why they can't/won't do something.

 

I think Tally and Flora are right: there are any number of reasons to consider before AS as to why he suddenly doesn't want to move in together.

 

BTW, I think it would be equally disasterous to suggest he might have AS if he doesn't, too!

 

Good luck

 

Bid

Edited October 27, 2008 by bid

[JsMum]

 

 

 

Personally, I feel he shows courage and honesty, he has communicated and let you know what it is he does not want and what it is he does want, before moving on any further, I think that shows great strength and honesty, he hasnt waited until he is in the situation before acting, he has done if before the move, it is much better to have told you now rather than later.

 

I would give him space, time and oportunities to talk together to find out why he doesnt want to move further than friends.

 

I feel he has done more than a lot of people, he has been honest.

 

JsMum

 

[chris54]

Where to start.

 

First you would not be the first couple to split up on the eve of a deepening relationship.

I don't think there is anything you can do that will make him chang his mind, that have to come from him. From what you said about him freaking out before, it tells me that he was unsure and was hoping that thing would get better, or different but he now see that that is unlikely.

I don't think that knowing or otherwise about the possibility that he may have AS will make any difference.

 

My own case, Yes I have always had problems forming relationships, I have now been marred for 10 years and only now at the age of 54 do I realise that I have AS.(After my son was diagnosed)

 

Knowing I have AS has made no difference to my relationship with my wife only helped my to be more contented with life. No longer asking myself the question "What if". Knowing that there is no "What if", I am who I am.

 

He is who he is, you cannot chang that. It may be that he feels you are asking more of him than he can give, more that he has in himself to give.

 

My wife has always known that I have only so much to give, but then our relationship if formed on that basis.We both know that we will never chang.( She has same AS traits as well).

 

I can only wish you all the best and hope that things work out for you.

Edited October 27, 2008 by chris54

[Maria7]

Hi Tally,

 

Thanks for the welcome.

 

There are so many books out there, didn't really know where to start. Actually found Tony Attwood's 'AS a guide for parents and professionals' on my bookshelf but obviously there are differences in adults due to strategies used so will get his other book. As for the other one, if that has stategies for me, that will be great.

 

It might be that he doesn't want ever to share his home.

 

He did want me to move into his house but I am working away so too far to my work. This led to commuting to each other's every weekend, so getting somewhere in the middle together seemed like the obvious choice. The obvious part now is that his home is his security and new house + me was just too much.

 

After finally sleeping last night, feel a bit more sane today and therefore am able to think more clearly - ie being patient about informing him and not doing my usual of trying to 'fix' people, so will hold off, thanks.

[Maria7]

What makes you think that your b/f has AS? Are there other things apart from his reticence to commit that make you think that?

 

You obviously know your b/f and his background; but are other areas of his life affected in a way which would make you think he has AS? Does he have have a job? friends? hobbies?

 

Flora

 

Hi Flora,

 

Over the time, I had noticed a lot of strange behaviours, nothing major so just out it down to personality. It was only after this freak out and a discussion with a friend, did some research, so yes, there are other things: -

Communication & social issues: unable to manage social situations other than a one-to-one, difficulty reading social cues (eg boredom) & maintaining flow of conversation, dislikes the phone, very few good friends whom he hardly sees and not interested in making new ones, never had a long-term relationship before me - "as logically others never would have worked", difficulty to express himself in words - more comfortable with email, more comfortable with the pc than socialising - happy to be in alone, Can be so blunt and emotionless, for such a kind, quiet guy.

Difficulty with change: Difficulty taking risks unless small as anxiety provoking, has set routine for the week with little variation, holidays in same places as knows them.

Others stuff: Highly intelligent - doctorate and good job (programming/engenering of course , photographic memory but forgets to get things from the shop, intrigued by things with grammatical rules and tells me about them no matter how boring!.. and more. Hobbies are computers, puzzles and sailing.

 

So am I on the right track? It seems to fit with what I have read and it would explain a hell of a lot!

 

All the above sounds so negative and I don't mean it that way. I am an out-going extrovert (normally), hence some of this behaviour would be alien to me anyway. Our relationship seems to work though, we don't really argue, I am just starting to feel sorry for him now rather than myself if he has AS, I must be his worse nightmare being so sociable!!

 

 

 

 

[Maria7]

AS is a question of timing. The person in question needs to have reached the right place inside themselves to accomodate the suggestion, and the idea needs to be presented in a very careful, positive way, not as an explanation of why they can't/won't do something.

Bid

 

Hi Bid,

 

Good to know there's some happy stories on here - congrats on the long marriage

 

As for the above, is there ever a right time? I have read what you all said so I won't approach it this weekend or at least until I get him back emotionally. I would never present it negatively, but again I might not think I am, yet it may mean a very different way to how he sees it so that worries me. And yes, he may not have it, but it seems so fitting. Of course I wont know for sure unless he gets tested or recognises it, but then I need to bring it up. Blimey, what a dilemma!

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

Maria

[bid]

Just another thought...

 

If he is happy, has a good job, and the sort of social life that is 'right' for him, does it actually matter whether he has AS?

 

I mean, part of the diagnostic criteria for adults is that their difficulties must impact negatively on their life.

 

So if he is quite happy how he is, why should he want or need any dx?

 

Or is he having huge difficulties in his life and asking for your help to sort them out? In which case then I could understand pursuing a possible dx.

 

Bid

Edited October 27, 2008 by bid

[Maria7]

I feel he has done more than a lot of people, he has been honest.

 

JsMum

 

Hi,

 

Yes he has been very honest and of course this is so much better than bolting once we'd moved, so there's one bonus.

 

He doesn't have a problem telling me anything honestly. In fact I have learned not to ask questions I don't want the real answer to, as there is no edit button, so I get the raw truth! It's not every day you get your bad points sent to you in an email! Yes, can laugh about it now, but was pretty shocked at the time.

 

Other than his bluntness (which is refreshing on occasions), he has lots of good points, hence the wait for him.

 

Thanks.

 

 

 

[Maria7]

Hi Chris,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

What you say is very interesting. I just thought a diagnosis would help him understand who he is. He knows he is different and when he freaked before, he asked me what he can do to fix it. I told him that is fear is holding him back and the only way to overcome it was to jump in head first (my approach to life) - obviously not great advice for him!

 

You say it helped you be more content with your life and that is what I was aiming for as I know he struggled with bullying etc in the past, so thought by knowing would bring him some insight. I don't know, maybe I want him to know as I know. Obviously I will be more understanding with issues now I feel I have the reasons why, but I would feel like I;m hiding this big secret if I know and he doesn't. What if he found out down the line that I suspected this all along and didn't tell him?

 

 

I can only wish you all the best and hope that things work out for you.

 

thanks, so do I

[bid]

...maybe I want him to know as I know...I would feel like I;m hiding this big secret if I know and he doesn't.

 

The thing is, Maria, there could be quite a few other things that could explain his behaviour, so in all honesty (and I don't mean to be unkind) you don't really 'know' at this stage at all

 

Do you think you might be jumping ahead of yourself just a bit?

 

Bid

Edited October 27, 2008 by bid

[Maria7]

Hi again,

 

Well, its a good point that just because my life is so full and I see his life as lonely, that's my problem not his.

 

He says he was happy doing what he did/does, suppose no anxiety producing, but since he met me, he wants to join me in most of what I do. I don't force him, he asks to come, yet he struggles when out of his confort zone, so I see this as a negative impact on him if he's trying to evolve. Then again, like Chris said " I am what I am" so maybe he can't change.

 

So like I said above, he did ask for help but like you all said, finding this out could be a shocker!

 

M

[bid]

Well, don't forget that of course the only person who can accurately diagnose AS will be a specialist in adult ASD diagnosis

 

And 'negative impact' means serious mental health problems, difficulties in coping with a job and independent living, etc, etc...not finding your partner's social life a bit much!

 

Good luck to you both

 

Bid

Edited October 27, 2008 by bid

[Maria7]

The thing is, Maria, there could be quite a few other things that could explain his behaviour, so in all honesty (and I don't mean to be unkind) you don't really 'know' at this stage at all

 

Do you think you might be jumping ahead of yourself just a bit?

 

Bid

 

No offence taken. You're right, I don't know for sure. Just wanted to explore it with him to see if it fits. Just don't like seeing him unhappy and struggling with all this stuff.

 

Unsure what to do really, hence coming on here

[Tally]

Actually found Tony Attwood's 'AS a guide for parents and professionals' on my bookshelf but obviously there are differences in adults due to strategies used so will get his other book.

This is a very good book too. His other book I told you about is a kind of expanded edition. It is a lot more thorough and looks at the different ways AS can present and has more about adults, so I would definitely recommend The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome as well. I hope you find it helpful

 

If he feels that living together would be too much, he may actually have found the distance and only seeing you at weekends comforting. Living separately but closer to each other might be a workable alternative to consider.

 

It sounds like he is having difficulties and may appreciate looking into AS to explain his difficulties. Often we (with AS) have to go different ways about achieving the same thing, so learning about AS might enable him to develop strategies to cope with the things he wants to do - or understand that he actually needs and enjoys time alone. Obtaining a diagnosis for adults can be extremely difficult, and at the end of it there is very little support available. The things he can do for himself may be the only options available to him anyway, and he doesn't need a formal diagnosis to try these things.

 

Whether he has AS or not, it is unlikely his personality will change. But if you can understand each other better, you will be able to communicate better. For you to learn about AS would help you understand him, but it will be a longer road for him. He first has to learn about AS and how it makes him different before he can start learning how best to communicate with non-AS people. Apparently Relate have some counsellors trained in helping couples where one partner has AS, so they may also be able to help you both.

 

It made me giggle what you said about not asking him questions you don't want an honest answer to. If my mum wants a new dress for a special occasion she often asks me to go shopping with her because she knows I will tell her if her bum looks big in it. While shop assistants are telling her it looks really nice I tell her, "no mum, you are twenty years too old to wear that!"

 

Anyway, for now I think you have to maintain a friendship on his terms and read up as much as you can. If AS still fits, you can discuss its positive and negative traits with him when the time seems right, and see what he thinks. It does sound like he is looking for answers and would be open to the idea.

 

Hang around. And don't be put off that we tend to speak our minds

[billabong]

Hi Maria

 

A big <'> from someone who's been there, although not with the lack of commitment bit. I've been married to AS husband for 9 years and it's been really, really, really hard work at times but has become generally easier, not least because of us both having an understanding of what's behind so much of our miscommunication etc etc.

 

I agree with everyone's recommendation to not rush in waving a book at your partner. I'd recommend for your sake reading 'Asperger Syndrome - a love story'. I've read the other books people have mentioned which have been great for adding to my knowledge. However, 'AS - a love story' made me laugh out loud with recognition so many times and gives both sides of the coin. My husband's reading it and likes the fact that it's not 'this is what AS people are like' - he also recognises himself very much in Keith, and it seems to be helpful for both of us. I'm a linguist but find 'Aspergese' the most challenging language to learn! But as people have pointed out, we're all (AS or NT) different personalities, not just differently-wired, and it could be that your partner will dismiss this book.

 

I'd also recommend looking after yourself first rather than trying to 'fix' your partner. There's an excellent (at least I found it so, as did everyone else there) workshop for partners of people with AS which I'll happily send details of via private mail, if you like. Relate counsellors who really have an understanding of AS (as opposed to having done a brief course, which I've found is what they usually mean) are few and far between. There are also support groups (for AS and NT partners), depending on where you live. And of course this forum.

 

As to DX, my husband was very anti the idea because he believed it could have a negative impact on any future search, so I asked the question on this forum and people did recognise that as being a potential or real problem (only based on a few responses, admittedly). I'm happy enough that DH now accepts AS and we try to celebrate our difference and appreciate the positive in both 'wirings'.

 

Take care,

 

Billabong

 

 

[billabong]

Hi again

 

That last para should have read 'any future job search', if you were wondering!

 

Billabong

[Maria7]

Hi Tally,

 

..he doesn't need a formal diagnosis to try these things.

 

Yes it's not the diagnosis I am after, just an ability for him to understand why he has these problems, plus he would have access to you guys if he thinks he's lost the plot. I am impressed how many members you have on here condsidering the social issues on an ASp

 

Relate have some counsellors trained in helping couples where one partner has AS, so they may also be able to help you both.

 

I have just been told about this so may try this if we get back on track.

 

It made me giggle what you said about not asking him questions you don't want an honest answer to.

 

Hmm, funny that, as my friends always take me shopping as I have always been the really blunt one! Think I'm out of my league with you lot though! Maybe I have a few AS traits myself..

 

 

Hang around. And don't be put off that we tend to speak our minds

 

I can hold my own on a good day, so not going anywhere

 

Thanks for all the advice. I will get those books and will try and keep quiet doing the 'friends' thing this weekend and see how we go.

[Maria7]

Hi Billabong,

 

A big <'> from someone who's been there,

 

Thanks so much. Was feeling down again until coming on here. It's great to be able to chat about it and not go insane.

 

'AS - a love story' made me laugh out loud

 

That's exactly what I could do with right now. I'll have to disappear over the weekend and have a good read.

 

I'd also recommend looking after yourself first rather than trying to 'fix' your partner. There's an excellent (at least I found it so, as did everyone else there) workshop for partners of people with AS which I'll happily send details of via private mail,

 

Unlike my partner, I do have plenty of friends - all doing thier shifts this week to unsure I would eat something! So yes, have been better but don't feel alone. Would appreciate this info, just don't know at the present time if I still have a partner. I suppose that depends on how long I can be 'just friends'. Here's my email - mcullen.2012@googlemail.com

 

As to DX, my husband was very anti the idea because he believed it could have a negative impact on any future search,

 

I totally agree and with the lack of support, whats the point? In time, if I can approach the subject with him, he may do the SQ and EQ tests and some reading up and that will be enough to help us both.

 

Thanks for you support. Feel like I'm getting virtual hugs off all round.

[bid]

...he struggles when out of his confort zone, so I see this as a negative impact on him if he's trying to evolve.

 

Hi again Maria,

 

I don't really understand what you mean by 'evolving'?

 

Bid

 

 

 

[Maria7]

Hi again Maria,

 

I don't really understand what you mean by 'evolving'?

 

Bid

 

Hi Bid,

 

I mean the way we all do when we try and succeed in doing something out of our comfort zone.