He's so hard on himself

[pearl]

JP forgot his work pass this morning & ran all the way home to collect it, he was in a real state. Now the exact same thing happened a year ago & we later found out that theres an emergency pass for these occasions, but he panicked, completely forgot & reacted just as he'd done a year ago. If I hadnt been there to talk him through the options he'd have then run all the way back to work (2 miles), however I told him to get the bus in.

 

I'm now sat here worrying that he's having a horrible day at work

 

Its the over reaction that bothers me. He's on flexi - he wouldnt have been late - but it was like it was the end of the world, & he was so angry with himself for forgetting his pass - I mean, we all do that kind of thing from time to time but its like he cant tolerate any failing in himself.

 

Yet just a few days ago he coped admirably with an attempted carjacking. It just baffles me.

[TheNeil]

If he's anything like me then...God help him (only joking)

 

It could have been the fact that his routine had been upset or it could be that he couldn't face the alternative of not being able to use his pass. I've done this myself in the past when it comes to forgetting my security pass and, for me, it was partly that my routine was broken and partly that the 'backup plan' (e.g. the 'emergency pass') would mark me out as being 'different' and having to 'cause a scene'/'drawn attention'.

 

Is his security pass one that he has to attach to himself (e.g. one that clips to a shirt or belt, or is on a lanyard)? I've found that if I can either attach it to something that I have to have with me (e.g. car keys or house keys) then you have no option but to take it with you. We changed our security system here at work from something that I could attach to my keys to a swipy card thing and I worried about forgetting it. Solution? When I get home I put it on top of my wallet - won't go to work without it so therefore whenever I pick my wallet up my pass is there. If JP could put his security pass with somethign that he has to take with him (e.g. a watch, wallet) then that might solve the problem for him too.

 

Just a thought.

[pearl]

Thanks Neil.

Its a badge he attaches to his shirt/tie whatever, & I'd been thinking along the same lines as you. I'll do an overhaul of his morning routine with him when he gets home & fine tune it. He used to have a checklist when he was at 6th form, maybe something along those lines would help. Its the lack of flexibility that bothers me, ie. working out himself that he should get the bus back in - but hey, he's AS, it comes with the territory I know.

[TheNeil]

Thanks Neil.

Its a badge he attaches to his shirt/tie whatever, & I'd been thinking along the same lines as you. I'll do an overhaul of his morning routine with him when he gets home & fine tune it. He used to have a checklist when he was at 6th form, maybe something along those lines would help. Its the lack of flexibility that bothers me, ie. working out himself that he should get the bus back in - but hey, he's AS, it comes with the territory I know.

This may or may not be practical but could you and JP work on having 'backup plans'? It's a bit of extension of what he's probably doing already as he'll no doubt have a 'plan' saying what will happen 'normally', but then you have a 'backup' in case things go wrong (and so that instead of 'panicking' he has a set procedure to follow). I do this kind of thing especially when it comes to travelling - I make sure that I know what train/bus I should get and then also make sure that I have a 'backup' (i.e. know when the next/previous bus/train is).

 

Could JP come up with these kind of 'plans' to cover the most common 'problems' and then have a 'catch all plan' if it's something that he doesn't have a 'plan' for (e.g. 'Phone mum' )?

 

It's kind of like a computer program:

 

IF no problems THEN RUN 'normal plan'

ELSE

IF bus late THEN RUN 'bus late plan'

ELSE

...

ELSE RUN 'phone mum plan'

[bid]

Also, just a wee thought based on myself...

 

I spend so much of my time just feeling so stupid when I make mistakes, or if I think I've got something wrong

 

The other night at work, we were having problems with a child and instead of calling the No.1 sleeping-in staff, which is the correct protocol, I called the No.2 as they were the child's head of residential unit and I thought they would deal more effectively with the problem. They did, but it took until 0130, and then they had to work the next day I spent ages apologising, because I was worried I should have called the No.1. Everyone seemed OK, but I had to really struggle not to panic over my decision, IYSWIM.

 

When I was younger, I would have got into a dreadful state about that situation, like JP. I'm getting better at accepting that often you have to make a quick decision, which may turn out to be the 'wrong' one...but that's part of life, and it's OK to mess up when you have to make a decision based on the information you have at the time. I think this must all be to do with problems with felxible thought and imagination (in that context).

 

Don't know if any of that makes sense, and helps at all with JP...it does in my head! I think the only answer is 'practice', in the sense of getting older and accepting the above.

 

Bid

[pearl]

Thanks guys <'>

See, I thought he had a back up plan Neil, based on the exact same thing happening a year ago & us discussing what he should do next time ... but it clearly went in one ear & out the other & I hadnt realised. I'll go over it with him again tonight.

 

And yes I think JP would really identify with what you said bid, he feels stupid when he gets stuff wrong. I think he thinks he gets stuff wrong-er than most peeps, when in fact we all do daft stuff from time to time. Last week I managed to lock myself out of my house even though it needs to be locked from the outside: reason being, I'd absentmindedly put my keys in the cupboard, given JP a lift to work & left him to lock up while I warmed the car up. He thought it was hilarious when I told him, but if he'd done it he'd have beaten himself up about it. As I said, so hard on himself.

[warrenpenalver]

I think for a lot of people with AS, to look stupid is an almost worst fear. I know it is for me, every little mistake i feel stupid and dont want people to think im stupid. (feeling stupid and being stupid in reality are two different things).

 

For example i crashed my car on the journey to work once. Id been driving down a steep gravel path and went off the road and plumeted into a ditch with the car stuck suspended in a treeabove the drop into the ditch. Now I felt really stupid so i didnt call the accident in, i just went to work as normal and pretended nothing happened until home time then called the recovery people to recover the car. All that because i didnt want to feel stupid at work, plus i would have got taunted about it for weeks making me feel even more stupid. (as has happened when i drove my car off a 6 foot drop and got it stuck pointing 45 degrees in air).

[Tally]

Does JP have difficulty talking to people? If getting an emergency card involves going to people, I would struggle with that. In the past I have forgotten my clock card, lost pay and had to put in a (written) pay query form after pay day, all instead of going to Personnel at the end of the day and letting them know I forgot my card.

[pearl]

I don't think its that Tally, he knows the receptionist well & often chats to her.

 

He's been sick tonight, I think he's getting the same lurgy as me, & said he went to work feeling off colour, so this partly explains why he couldnt think straight. I've had a chat with him & sent him to bed early.

 

Thanks for your insights folks, its much appreciated <'>

[Mumble]

I agree on the feeling stupid thing - often I react before I think and once my brain has caught up I feel totally stupid for how I reacted - I did it today and was cursing myself afterwards and telling myself that only I would make such a mistake - of course, my rational side kicking in tis evening I know that lots of people would react in a range of ways and that's OK and particularly that I'm probably the only person still thinking about it

 

but it clearly went in one ear & out the other & I hadnt realised.

I wouldn't necessarily agree - I would be quite prepared to bet that had you asked him last night what he should do in such a situation he would have been able to answer without hesitation. The trouble comes in putting plans into action when in fight/flight mode, adrenaline rushing and having negative images running through the mind - it's useful where possible to have visual (written is enough) reminders.

 

Its a badge he attaches to his shirt/tie whatever

Can he build it into his routine to pick out his tie the night before and attach his badge to it before he goes to bed - i.e. if he takes it off one tie it gets instantly clipped onto another tie. I have my security card attached to my room keys so I always have it (provided I've remembered to lock my room... ) - some people have advised against this as if I lose one I lose both, but it works well for me.

 

 

[warrenpenalver]

Pearl, tell JP he has no need to worry about feeling stupid until he does something like this: Stupid 1 Stupid 2 Stupid 3

[pearl]

Thanks Mumble & Warren. He finishes for Christmas today but we are going to overhaul his morning routine ready for the new year so he can't forget vital stuff.

 

Warren - there is something almost epic and admirable in your photos, you don't do things by halves do you! <'> I'll show him the pics tonight if only to watch his jaw drop!

 

He's gone into work today. Turns out he's also worried about his work christmas lunch - he's a slow eater but hates wasting food & has a 3 course christmas meal to get through & is worried about being the last to finish. The sickness last night was purely nerves, not lurgy. So we've given him a pep talk, that its ok & not immoral to leave excess food as he has no choice over the portion control & it would be worse to treat his body like a dustbin.

 

I wish I was at work today, I'm just going to sit here worrying about him

[oxgirl]

Here's a <'> for you, Pearl, and hope you both have a good day.

Yesterday, DH forgot to put Jay's snack in his bag for school and by the time he realized Jay was already there. I sat and cried because I knew what a state he'd get into about it and I couldn't be there to sort it out for him. Sometimes it's the smallest things that can cause big problems isn't it. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[pearl]

Thanks for the hug mel, have one back <'>

Thats eggzackly it. Little things loom large. Christmas stress doesnt go away when they leave school, unfortunately, I think now that all of these things are connected with what happened.

[oxgirl]

Yes, it's bound to have taken it's toll and is probably playing on his mind somewhat. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Mumble]

Christmas stress doesnt go away when they leave school, unfortunately

*nods* It's the Christmas Lunch/drinks for my uni dept at the moment. I can't tell you how thankful I was to have a doc appointment and be unable to make it to the lunch. Part of me wants to be there but it's far less stress this way and there's enough stress around Christmas without adding to it.

 

[pearl]

Well he survived Christmas lunch kept up with the pace & left some food.

Home chilling out in his room now, having finished for christmas.

Phew.

[warrenpenalver]

Ive been lucky last few years by being able to avoid the christmas partys/lunches. I dont know how easy it will be to avoid them when i get a civilian job. I didnt mind christmas lunch on christmas day as there was usually just me and a couple of duty staff.