Had Enough - Thrown AJ Out!!

[Stella63]

Well, it has been coming for some considerable time now. We have done everything we can to try and make AJ see the consequences of his actions eg busting him for keep bringing drugs into house. He is under Youth Justice and having anger management sessions and meetings with the drugs lady and is under SS as Child in Need (although their input has been minimal to say the least!).

 

The bottom line is that he is taking us for complete mugs - all his promises about going back to school, week after week come to nothing. He managed one day on his work placement and couldn't be bothered to back. He can't be bothered to get a part time job or even do work for us in the garden or around the house. He is still stealing from us if he gets the chance and we had a situation last week where 2 of his mates were phoning us up saying he owed them money and trying to put pressure on us to pay!!

 

After a discussion with my parent support worker we decided that as nothing we have done previously has shocked him that we would throw him out of the house (with or without SS support). He took money out of my purse this afternoon (in a nano second where my back was turned) and then tried to turn it around and tell me it was my fault for not giving him enough money!!! 'all my mates get at least �20 per week and they're not working or going to school' - well forgive me for being the tight, non understanding parent but he is having a serious laugh!! What 16 year old in an ideal world would not love the lifestyle he has managed to carve for himself - not going to school, not working, sleeping all morning, out with mates in evening, doing a bit of drug dealing to make money and make him feel like he's someone important, helping himself to food, drink, nice bed to sleep in..... I could go on - trouble is we get nothing in return apart from verbal abuse, aggression, stealing etc etc.

 

So, no more nice guys, he has been thrown out of the house. Trouble is he still has a key so we are ok tonight cos we can double lock door from the inside but I'm going to have to get someone in tomorrow to change the lock otherwise he can get in when I go out. At the moment I don't know what will happen. If he comes around tonight and starts getting aggressive we will call the police and they can deal with him cos we have just had enough.

 

Any ideas for the next few days would be appreciated.

 

Stella xx

[zaman]

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

<'> ><

[Enid]

Oh Stella <'> <'> I went through this with my 19 yr old 2 weeks ago as I said in my pm, after one night he was hanging round the road all day and I was feeling sorry for him, he didnt have a key cos I took it off him, the following night he txt me he was sleeping in the park so I text him to come home, it was a lie, he was at a friends house, but I fell for it, he is home for now, but with no key, and he is hopefully moving into a bedsit in supported housing very soon, he is not diagnosed with anything, went right through school and 2 years of college with no problems, but he has now carved himself out a similar life to your lad, I am devasted, as you are, but like you I cannot live with this level of agression and worry about who is in the house when I am at work. Take care, keep strong. Enid

[Enid]

Sorry forgot the ideas bit!!! Have you got a YES centre near you, thats "youth enquiry service" I let my lad back in on the sunday night 2 weeks ago on the condition that he got the 8.30 bus on Monday and went to this centre to look for a job and a place to live, they seem to be really trying to help, they wont speak to me about it as he is nearly 20 so I have very little info but I think they are in most areas along with the connexions people. Enid

[NickyB]

Stella <'> >< <'> <'>

 

Keep strong and look after yourself

 

Thinking of you

 

Nicky <'>

[baddad]

Hi stella -

 

Awful situation to be in, but you're doing the right thing for the right reasons, so try not to lose sight of that.

'Tough' love is much harder to practice than the other kind, but it often works where nothing else will.

 

It sounds like you'll have a few contacts within local support services, so do everything you can tomorrow for your own peace of mind to make sure he has a roof of some sort over his head, but don't let him use that as a stick to beat you with. He'll have reasons for rejecting anything you might find him, but if it comes down to a choice between a hostel/shelter or the YMCA or something against sleeping on a park bench he'll not cut his nose off to spite his face... chances are he'll end up on a mate's sofa, and if the mate is someone he knows you would disapprove of he'll use that as a stick too; so be prepared.

 

very, very best

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

Just to echo everything said by the others here <'> <'> <'>

 

Bidx

[Stella63]

hi

 

Thanks for the support. He has turned up once already and told he's not allowed home. He phoned a few minutes ago with all the promises of going to school etc etc told him no, said if he can't stay at mates, cos suddenly they're all working or at college!!!? then we would phone SS who would have to find him something. He didn't like that idea so watch this space!!

 

Stella xx

[mossgrove]

<'>

 

This must be horrible for you, but it is the right thing for everyone in the long run.

 

Simon

[Kathryn]

Stella this must be so hard to do, but it sounds as though the time has come for a short sharp shock like this, if your son is unable/unwilling to change with all the support you've given him. You have you other son to think of too.

 

I really hope something good comes of this.

 

<'>

 

K x

[Tally]

You've given him every chance possible, I think that now he needs to prove to you that he will go back to school, etc, BEFORE you consider taking him back.

 

Must be really horrible for you though <'>

[Enid]

Any news stella? let us know? Enid

[dooday24]

hows it all going thinking of u

love donna xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Stella63]

Hi

 

Update as of now. We did let him back in late last night (cringe as I know we shouldn't) but none of his mates would put him up (which actually says a lot about them!). He was pleading and promised to go to school and we made it quite clear that there was no negotiation on that - no school, no nice comfy bed.

 

He did go to school today, which is good, and I told him that nothing has changed, he must go to school or bag will be packed and next time he is on his own.

 

However he was supposed to attend an anger management session as part of his supervision order tonight and he has now decided that he doesn't have anger issues as he has stopped taking ADHD meds!!! Made him aware that if he defaults on it he will go back to court but to be honest this is his mess and he must take responsibility for it. He didn't go so will get taken to court and probably get xtension on the order and now he is 16 we don't have to attend court so he is on his own on this. He seems to be determined to push the boundaries and not want to take responsibility of consequences with us, school, even the legal system - what will it take for him to realise it is his life he is messing up?

 

I know a lot of you will think we did the wrong thing last night and deep down I agree but it is so hard knowing the right thing thing to do at any one time and however much he abuses our trust we love him and want him to come through this but it is tearing me apart to the point where I really don't know what to do with him.

 

Thoughts and ideas as ever appreciated.

 

Stella xx

[Enid]

Stella, I did the same. How can you go to bed when they are just sitting outside, and its probably the mates mums who wont let him stay, I still havnt given my lad a key back, its very awkward as he is in and out for a fag and he has to ask me to open the door, but I think this is keeping him on his toes, still waiting to here re his bedsit, am sure that would be a good bet for yours, its blummin hard isnt it. just pouring mine now so cheers Enid

[Clare63]

Stella ~ <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

How awful and what an awful strain for you all.

 

Thinking of you...

 

Clare x x x

[JsMum]

Hi

 

Update as of now. We did let him back in late last night (cringe as I know we shouldn't) but none of his mates would put him up (which actually says a lot about them!). He was pleading and promised to go to school and we made it quite clear that there was no negotiation on that - no school, no nice comfy bed.

 

He did go to school today, which is good, and I told him that nothing has changed, he must go to school or bag will be packed and next time he is on his own.

 

However he was supposed to attend an anger management session as part of his supervision order tonight and he has now decided that he doesn't have anger issues as he has stopped taking ADHD meds!!! Made him aware that if he defaults on it he will go back to court but to be honest this is his mess and he must take responsibility for it. He didn't go so will get taken to court and probably get xtension on the order and now he is 16 we don't have to attend court so he is on his own on this. He seems to be determined to push the boundaries and not want to take responsibility of consequences with us, school, even the legal system - what will it take for him to realise it is his life he is messing up?

 

I know a lot of you will think we did the wrong thing last night and deep down I agree but it is so hard knowing the right thing thing to do at any one time and however much he abuses our trust we love him and want him to come through this but it is tearing me apart to the point where I really don't know what to do with him.

 

Thoughts and ideas as ever appreciated.

 

Stella xx

 

 

Well I didnt reply because I couldnt do it, and I totally understand and sympathise why you let him back in when he had no where to go, I would of done the same, its a massive ask when he is your son.

 

I totally understand your reactions and you do not need to apologise to any of us here, you did what you felt was right, none of us know what we would do if it actually came to it, and so we cant say we would do it.

 

What about looking at future plans of a sheltered accomadation, supported housing ect... to start getting him to take some responsibility.

 

I am relieved to be honest to know he was at the end of the day safe and back with you, Is the anger management course specialised in treating those with ADHD, so look into weather the Anger Management course is aimed at those with AS/ADHDs it could be he requires a more specialised Anger Management course.

 

As for him not taking his medication this could be down to his way of thinking and feeling if he is taking recreational drugs and these effect the mind, so once he has some more support with the Drugs he may in the near future understand the need to take his ADHD medication, also if he has stopped his ADHD medication, it will make it even harder for him to access, learn the Anger Management Techneques.

 

Anyway Im glad he is back home.

 

JsMum

Edited January 26, 2009 by JsMum

[pearl]

Thinking of you Stella <'>