Updated partner website, new Q/A page

[Delyth]

Hello All

 

Have just updated the partner support group website and have now included a question and answer page. Please do send in any relevant questions or answers. Would be lovely to hear from you!

 

And any feedback at all would be very welcome.

 

Thanks

 

Delyth

 

http://www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk

 

 

(Edited to create direct link to site- K)

Edited March 8, 2009 by Kathryn

[bid]

That looks really good, Delyth

 

Bid

[Delyth]

Thanks for your comment Bid.

 

Much appreciated.

 

Delyth

[nellie]

Hi Delyth,

 

Love the Questions and Answers page.

 

Nellie xx

[baddad]

Hi Delyth/All -

 

I've had a quick look at the site and etails of the group, and while I think anything that can encourage/enable better communication between the autistic and non-autistic communities - whether in relationships or the wider social context is great, I do wonder how you've addressed some of the possible 'dangers' inherent in a support group like this?

I hope you don't mind me asking the following, and hope you'll appreciate the concerns prompting the questions:

 

Casual diagnosis is something I'm really worried about - if you look through my back posts you'll see it's a concern I've raised many times. I think at the very least casual diagnosis undermines the validity of genuine diagnosis, but at its worst it can be a platform for abuse, marginalisation and control. How do you balance the imperative to run an 'open' group accessible to those who are maybe working towards diagnosis or who are curious about diagnosis with those very real considerations of abuse?

 

(NB: In the past when I've asked that question of people who believe their partners might be on the spectrum, they've responded that the diagnosis part of it is effectively 'irrelevent', because they are merely seeking better 'understanding'. That's okay to a degree, but the 'understanding' is based on an assumption of inequality - that one of the people in the relationship is unequal to the task of navigating the relationship as well as the other and needs (i.e.) guidance; understanding; support; etc etc etc, and those needs are being defined by the other party in the relationship. That's still as potentially abusive as a scenario where diagnosis does exist - in fact even more so because the undiagnosed autistic has no other frame of reference than the 'judgement' placed upon them by the second party and/or the people collaborating with the second party).

 

Patronisation - again, something I've spoken about many times on the forum... it's often the case that non-autistic people take exactly what they want from the 'testimony' of autistic people. If the autistic person is saying what they want to hear then it 'proves the point', but if the autistic person is expressing a different point of view then they are doing so because they lack the understanding (emotional/social etc) to 'see' the wisdom of the non-autistic perspective. We've actually seen this done on forum by professionals, or by people who claim expertise through association and publish books on home/remote diagnosis. It doesn't just apply to opinions - it also applies to behaviour, and again becomes a huge issue for control, manipulation and abuse.

That, of course, can work both ways - either because (if the dominant partner is the 'labelled' party) autism is used an excuse for behaviours that would otherwise be seen as unacceptable (get out of jail free), or because the dominant partner uses the 'disability' as a tool to undermine, gainsay, bully and control. Of course, it's perfectly possible to have a relationship where both factors occur - victim and enabler - and overlap depending on circumstance and situation.

 

Blame - Disabled people being 'blamed' for the implications of their disability is nothing new, but if you apply that to something as fundamental as how a person thinks you really open up a can of worms. I'm always concerned when i see topics on the forum relating to marital breakdown, and the assumption that one of the parties involved is an undiagnosed autistic and that their behaviours are the root of the problem. Sometimes this happens after years of successful marriage, or in second marriages where the party being labelled autistic has been widowed after a successful first marriage. These marital problems, obviously, don't have anything to do with autism - they occur either as a result of changes in expectation (i.e. when nothing has fundamentally changed in the relationship but one party or both have decided they don't like it that way anymore) or as a result of changes in behaviour that, by definition, were not there at the begining of the relationship and are therefore not intrinsic to the labelled person's behaviour. The current rate of marital breakdown in this country is what? 2 out of 3? Those statistics apply to the general population, and exactly the same kinds of 'communication breakdown' are evident within them. To base any 'fix' on assumptions about disability or an inherent inequality provides a basis for manipulation, control and abuse.

 

That's a few of my concerns off the top of my head - and i hope you don't mind me asking about/highlighting them. As I say, I'm all for anything that promotes better understanding, but I also have concerns about the process leading to that better understanding and the inherent inequality in a dynamic that asks 'why does my partner do this'? and makes assumptions about the answer. There's an old joke about why does a dog lick it's privates? Because it can (and it wants to). Sometimes the answer is that simple.

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

Hi BD,

 

You know I share all the concerns you list...

 

It's a tricky one, because there's no doubt that some people who have a partner with an ASD do find things difficult, and I guess they must need support and a safe place to offload just as much as parents.

 

Again, the question of formal/home dx is tricky too. As I say, I share all the concerns you express above, but what do we do when adult dx is very difficult and there are bound to be people who genuinely have an ASD but no formal dx as an adult?

 

Many of your concerns are equally applicable to children with a dx/awaiting dx and their families. But family support groups on the whole are positive things I think.

 

I'm not sure what the answer may be

 

Bid

[bid]

Just been thinking around BD's concerns...

 

I wonder if there would be more parity if support groups were for both partners?

 

After all, it isn't the case that one partner is 'right' and the other 'wrong', or that one partner is 'normal' and the other 'abnormal'. It's simply the case that both partners are different, and the AS partner may well find their NT partner just as mystifying or difficult to live with.

 

Bid

Edited March 10, 2009 by bid

[baddad]

Hi BD,

 

You know I share all the concerns you list...

 

It's a tricky one, because there's no doubt that some people who have a partner with an ASD do find things difficult, and I guess they must need support and a safe place to offload just as much as parents.

 

 

 

Bid

 

absolutely agree with that 100%, but my concern is that one of 'projection' where all the problems in the marriage/relationship are projected onto this catchall umbrella 'autism', along with the prejudicial and assumptive 'blame', and where it is done in an arena that exists primarily to reinforce, normalise and justify those value judgements.

Trying to think of an example, i'll use delyth's 'answer' from this months Q&A page:

 

Getting a diagnosis helped us to frame my husbands ?odd? and sometimes seemingly hurtful and ?anti-relationship? behaviour in the right context.

For example, my husband usually does not respond to a ?conversation starter?. I thought this was because he was ignoring me (I had no idea that seemingly successful adults could have any difficulties with talking) and, to protect myself, I stopped talking to him. This caused a lot of damage to our relationship.

Having the diagnosis, and both of us accepting it, means that we now know that he does not recognise a conversation starter and he is not in fact choosing to ignore me. His brain has not fully developed in the verbal conversation area. Now that we understand this, he is gradually learning the skills of conversation and I am not angry that he can?t do it instinctively but impressed that he is trying

 

If you take the word 'autism' out of the framewok completely you're still left with a fundamental communication problem that can be answered with the same response. The only difference is it's not seen as an autism-related 'difficulty' with all the value judgements etc. In terms of exploitation, it is that value judgement that creates the potential: the 'autistic' person can exploit the value judgement by saying that they 'can't help it' so the other person has to compromise, while the non-autistic person can use the value judgment to stigmatise, bully, differentiate... (not saying anything like that is happening here of course, only highlighting that the potential exists)...

Going back to my original post and a point made in it, there are other considerations too:

Whose 'problem' is this?

When did it become a problem?

Why did it become a problem?

How did it become a problem?

 

Assuming the behaviour is inate to the autistic person's condition, it is either a behaviour that has always existed within the relationship, or one that was successfully negotiated by one or both parties. If something has changed, it is the way in which the behaviour is perceived/responded to, and that has created the problem. It has nothing to do with autism whatsoever, it's just the ebb and flow of human relationships and that old adage of 'familiarity breeds contempt'.

 

On the subject of casual diagnosis, how many of us would happily accept it if, on complaining of a stomach ache, our partner said; 'Oh - it's probably your appendix - jump up on the kitchen table and i'll whip it out!'... regardless of the amount of 'symptoms' that might match i think few of us would be willing to collude with the assumption that the partner was qualified to make the dx or to advise on treatment, would we?

Thinking mental health, rather than physical - if your partner said, 'look, i've done some research on the internet and i'm convinced you're a paranoid schizophrenic' would you accept that dx? would you swallow the tablets he/she had bought for you over the internet?

'I demand a second opinion!'

- well, ive mentioned it to Rob at work and he thinks you are too...

'But I disagree'

- I rest my case...

 

Anyways, as I've said, no problem with the idea of a support group at all - just some personal concerns about how potential pitfalls might be abvoided.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

[Kathryn]

There possibly is a place for a support group encompassing both partners, (and even for people trying to understand their NT partners!) but I think a group like Delyth's also fulfils a need for a partner who feels isolated, and is looking for answers and support of the kind that is usually only offered to parents. Judging by the questions we get here from first time posters, partners are a significant group of people who are usually passed over by support services and do not have a place where they can share their initial concerns or ask tentative first questions about ASC's.

 

I don't think Delyth is implying that the NT partner is right or has all the cards, I think the information on her site is sensitively worded and suggests that the support group has a positive purpose, to help both partners to work together to understand each other for the good of the relationship. There is no suggestion that one person is setting out to change the other or dictate the terms of the relationship.

 

I understand what you're saying BD, and agree that casual dx's should be treated with caution, but as Bid says full formal adult dx may not be an option. I think people should who are struggling with these issues and have these questions churning in their mind should not feel afraid to express them in a supportive and encouraging non - judgemental environment - whether in a forum such as this or face to face in a support group. It may help to save a relationship, and that has to be a good thing - surely?

 

K x

[bid]

but my concern is that one of 'projection' where all the problems in the marriage/relationship are projected onto this catchall umbrella 'autism', along with the prejudicial and assumptive 'blame', and where it is done in an arena that exists primarily to reinforce, normalise and justify those value judgements.

 

Again, completely agree with this concern, and I have also felt uncomfortable with some things I have read where a partner's every shortcoming is blamed on suspected autism (usually a man ).

 

But I think that positive support would be where both the NT and the AS partners' feelings are acknowledged and explored.

 

Delyth...just thought I should add that I'm not being critical of your group, just thinking around the topic

 

Bid

Edited March 10, 2009 by bid

[baddad]

There possibly is a place for a support group encompassing both partners, (and even for people trying to understand their NT partners!) but I think a group like Delyth's also fulfils a need for a partner who feels isolated, and is looking for answers and support of the kind that is usually only offered to parents. Judging by the questions we get here from first time posters, partners are a significant group of people who are usually passed over by support services and do not have a place where they can share their initial concerns or ask tentative first questions about ASC's.

 

I don't think Delyth is implying that the NT partner is right or has all the cards, I think the information on her site is sensitively worded and suggests that the support group has a positive purpose, to help both partners to work together to understand each other for the good of the relationship. There is no suggestion that one person is setting out to change the other or dictate the terms of the relationship.

 

I understand what you're saying BD, and agree that casual dx's should be treated with caution, but as Bid says full formal adult dx may not be an option. I think people should who are struggling with these issues and have these questions churning in their mind should not feel afraid to express them in a supportive and encouraging non - judgemental environment - whether in a forum such as this or face to face in a support group. It may help to save a relationship, and that has to be a good thing - surely?

 

K x

 

As i've said, Kathryn - totally agree with all of that I didn't think delyth was saying that the NT partner is right or holds all the cards either - I was just highlighting that a support group of this nature by definition runs the risk of endorsing such value judgements. In fact the very existence of such a group endorses it - the implication being that partners of autistic people need support specifically because of autism. Something like relate may not be autism specific, but neither does it run the risk of prejudgement/attaching 'blame' on the basis of that diagnosis - it looks at the bigger picture, which is a failing relationship. If failing relationships were exclusive to those on the spectrum it would be different, but quite evidently from statistics that is not the case, so why focus exclusively on that when relationships fail for people who are on the spectrum?

Here's what really concerns me: I'm not unique, but I am certainly in the minority for being a single male parent. I have attended groups locally, training seminars more widely, and attended things like early birds and social communitation/speech therapy groups and portage. At a conservative (honestly) estimate I'd say at least fifty percent of the mother's attending have been willing to casually diagnose their partners/children's father's. Among the rest, a further quite high percentage would assert that their partners had 'traits'. Almost invariably, these would be negatively judged, and projected onto the autistic child as inherited 'flaws. Of the rest - a good percentage of dads (judged autistic or otherwise) would be labelled 'In denial' purely and simply because they did not see things the same way as their wives...

The problem with a support group specifically set up for partners of autistic people is that it is, by definition, going to be populated by people making the same kinds of value judgements...

I'm just asking how, if at all, delyth's group (or any other similar) could help to break those negative associations rather than endorsing/promoting them.

As I said, it's very simple: If a couple have been together for, say, ten years and cracks have started to appear in the marriage in the past 2 or 3 - that is not because one of them is autistic, unless of course for the first seven or eight years they weren't autistic (which is of course impossible). So if you focus on autism as the cause of the cracks, there has to be a value judgement and it has to be negative. If there's some other way the maths works that I've missed then I apologise

 

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

Just a couple of points, BD

 

As i've said, Kathryn - totally agree with all of that I didn't think delyth was saying that the NT partner is right or holds all the cards either - I was just highlighting that a support group of this nature by definition runs the risk of endorsing such value judgements. In fact the very existence of such a group endorses it - the implication being that partners of autistic people need support specifically because of autism.

Following this argument then you could say that parents of autistic children don't need a support group specifically because of autism...

 

Something like relate may not be autism specific, but neither does it run the risk of prejudgement/attaching 'blame' on the basis of that diagnosis - it looks at the bigger picture, which is a failing relationship. If failing relationships were exclusive to those on the spectrum it would be different, but quite evidently from statistics that is not the case, so why focus exclusively on that when relationships fail for people who are on the spectrum?

If one partner has AS then the couple need to ensure a Relate counsellor has training in AS. This is absolutely vital, speaking from personal experience. While I understand the number of AS-trained counsellors is increasing, it still isn't the case that they are available to everyone who needs them.

 

If a couple have been together for, say, ten years and cracks have started to appear in the marriage in the past 2 or 3 - that is not because one of them is autistic, unless of course for the first seven or eight years they weren't autistic (which is of course impossible).

But people quietly endure situations that make them unhappy for all sorts of reasons, sometimes for years and years, especially if they have children.

 

Bid

Edited March 10, 2009 by bid

[baddad]

Just a couple of points, BD

 

 

Following this argument then you could say that parents of autistic children don't need a support group specifically because of autism...

 

 

If one partner has AS then the couple need to ensure a Relate counsellor has training in AS. This is absolutely vital, speaking from personal experience. While I understand the number of AS-trained counsellors is increasing, it still isn't the case that they are available to everyone who needs them.

 

 

But people quietly endure situations that make them unhappy for all sorts of reasons, sometimes for years and years, especially if they have children.

 

Bid

 

Hi bid - agree with the middle point, and in fact it's the point I was raising. If it's vital that a trained, relate counsellor offering advice on marital difficulties should not be making unqualified judgements, then untrained strangers shouldn't be, no matter how well intended.

I agree to a point about the third, but I don't think those factors can be taken as 'universal' or autisim specific. It's very circumstantial.

The first point I disagree with completely - people's relationships with their kids are not based on meeting and making choices to enter into long term relationships, and children cannot assess/contribute to the relationship in equal terms in the same way that adults do, or are expected to. In fact, in a different way you've hit again on one of the concerns i raised in my original post - that the autistic adults in this equation are in danger of being patronised. My whole point is that they are not children, and assumptions shouldn't be made on the basis of their diagnosis.

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

BD, I expressed my first point very badly! What I was trying to do was extrapolate your argument against support groups for partners because of the negative implication that such people need support specifically because of autism. Following that line of thinking, you could say that there's the same negative implication against children in parent support groups.

 

With my third point, I think it's perfectly possible for one partner to have been quietly unhappy because of their partner's ASD for many years before they raise the issue (as people do with all sorts of other difficulties within a relationship)...which I don't think negates the validity of the autism as you argued.

 

As you know, I firmly agree with you about patronising adults with AS.

 

Bid

Edited March 10, 2009 by bid

[Mumble]

I'm just asking how, if at all, delyth's group (or any other similar) could help to break those negative associations

There's something that's always come to my mind when reading similar threads to this that I hope some more experienced people can help me to understand. I'm fully willing to accept that I am just being naive and inexperienced in not understanding this as I don't have much experience with long term relationships.

 

If these were support groups for, for instance, acquired brain injury or other conditions that develop once the couple has already formed a relationship and affect that relationship changing what 'was', I could understand better, but with autism spectrum disorders, the individual has always been autistic - both now and when the relationship began - nothing has changed in their 'condition' to make them a different person. The partner chose to have a relationship with the ASD person because they were attracted to something about the partner. Surely, then, anything that becomes difficult has to be seen as a product of the relationship and not the ASD because the ASD hasn't changed?

 

It feels uncomfortable to me somehow to label these behaviours as odd/uncaring/whatever now when surely the same behaviours were always there?

 

As I say, I might just be being very naive about the development of relationships - I've already decided I'm going to become a nun!

 

[bid]

Hi Mumble,

 

I can only answer for my particular situation.

 

When I met my DH I had previously been in a very unhappy relationship, that had led to a breakdown. My DH thought a lot of how I 'am' was caused by that experience, and I guess he may have thought that he could make me 'better'/less 'shy'??

 

But then saying that, he's never been particularly unhappy overall with how I am, and thinks I'm easier to live with than an NT woman

 

I do understand your question, though...I have often wondered the same when I have read extremely critical descriptions of relationships with someone with an ASD, or more usually a suspected ASD.

 

Bid

Edited March 10, 2009 by bid

[baddad]

BD, I expressed my first point very badly! What I was trying to do was extrapolate your argument against support groups for partners because of the negative implication that such people need support specifically because of autism. Following that line of thinking, you could say that there's the same negative implication against children in parent support groups.

 

With my third point, I think it's perfectly possible for one partner to have been quietly unhappy because of their partner's ASD for many years before they raise the issue (as people do with all sorts of other difficulties within a relationship)...which I don't think negates the validity of the autism as you argued.

 

As you know, I firmly agree with you about patronising adults with AS.

 

Bid

 

Nope, still not getting it, I'm afraid. With the children thing - children need the support because they are children, and to help them make the most of the skills they have. Areas of that will be specific to autism, because autism has huge implications on emotional development and 'milestones'.

Two adults meeting as equals as adults and embarking on a relationship is completely different - it's sort of 'what you see is what you get' and 'you pays your money and takes your choice'. You wouldn't possibly get away (I hope!) with meeting a girl one weekend and inviting her out the next and after a couple of weeks of seeing her say 'well if you did this and that and changed like this and that then you might be someone I could possibly think of spending my life with'(?) Doing so after five/ten/fifteen years is even more unreasonable!

Apart from a scenario where a couple had an 'accidental' child and stayed together for the baby's sake there are not many scenarios where such a relationship could evolve, but if it does evolve it evolves, presumably as a mutual investment. In that case, though, and assuming a joint investment of years, it seems totally unreasonable and unfair to suddenly expect the other person, who had invested their lives in complete ignorance of the first persons unhappiness, to reinvent themselves in line with the first persons ideal which they (the second person) had never made any pretense of being from the outset. To move the goalposts on someone like that is totally unreasonable. To move the goalposts on someone like that and then 'blame' them for not being the ideal in the first place (or for not being able to live up to the new expectations) goes beyond unreasonable and into the realms of 'abusive' I mentioned in an earlier post. And it has nothing to do with autism either! These kinds of things happen all the time - couples meet, the girl finds she's pregnant and they decide to 'give it a go'. However much time they invest in 'giving it a go' - be it a year or ten years - they both knew what they were getting into from the outset, and both decided to 'risk' that investment. If something changes within that period, then - yes, that change might bring additional pressures into play, but a dx of autism (real or assumed) doesn't change anything, because, regardless of when the 'dx' is made - it was a factor from day one...

Another example. You marry a man with a wooden leg, and ten years later you divorce him. You can't divorce him on the grounds that he 'has a wooden leg'. You might divorce him because your feelings about the wooden leg have changed, but that's not the wooden leg's fault and it's not his fault. It's not your fault either, come to that - it's just a fact of life and the evolution of relationships. Whatever way you look at it, it's unreasonable, judgemental and just plain wrong to project the blame for the breakup onto the wooden leg!

 

Hope that makes some sort of sense, and sorry, delyth, for somewhat diverting your thread; although it is still 'on topic' just up a very different sideshoot!

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

I think you're trying to systematise the un-systematisable!

 

You're forgetting people's hopes and fears and love...people stay in unhappy situations, often for years/whole lifetimes, because they hope things will get better, or because they fear it's their fault, or because they love someone...and any other complex permutations you can imagine!

 

Sorry Delyth, I fear I have gone so shall shut up now

 

Bid

Edited March 10, 2009 by bid

[baddad]

You're forgetting people's hopes and fears and love...people stay in unhappy situations, often for years/whole lifetimes, because they hope things will get better, or because they fear it's their fault, or because they love someone...and any other complex permutations you can imagine!

 

Sorry Delyth, I fear I have gone so shall shut up now

 

Bid

 

 

No - not at all... i'm just saying that none of those reasons, however complex, have anything to do with autism and to suddenly target autism as the reason for realising all of those other things were errors of judgement is wrong. If someone stayed because they 'thought it would get better' and it didn't that's not the other persons fault. if they stayed out of love and then found that love wasn't a good enough reason that is not the other persons fault. If they stayed in the relationship because they feared it was their 'fault' and then realised it wasn't it is not the other persons fault. All of those things are projection/dogs privates/wooden legs...

Autism is a lifelong condition. If it is there after fifteen years/whatever of marriage it was there at the begining of that relationship too. If it was not a 'problem' for the first five/ten/whatever years but has become a problem then that has got to be because of a shift in attitude, responses or dynamics. That's fine - life's not a constant; but you can't blame the thing that is a constant for the change in attitude, responses or dynamics.

Another example: You live in a house for twenty years, then decide you're sick of it and want to move. That is not the house's fault. The house has not changed - the only thing that has changed is your expectation of what you want from a house: you have become incompatible with the house.

 

 

[Kathryn]

Guys, you've made 14 of the 19 posts on this thread, and it is now definitely off track, so can I respectfully ask you both to shut up now please?

 

Or start your own thread to discuss the very interesting wider issues?

 

The original purpose of the thread was to post information about a website and ask for feedback. If anyone else is following this thread please feel free to post responses related to Delyth's topic.

 

Thanks

 

K x

Edited March 11, 2009 by Kathryn

[bid]

Sorry Kathryn, sorry Delyth

 

Delyth, I hope your group continues to go well, and I like the idea of a monthly question on your website as it adds on-going interest

 

Bid

Edited March 11, 2009 by bid

[baddad]

Guys, you've made 14 of the 19 posts on this thread, and it is now definitely off track, so can I respectfully ask you both to shut up now please?

 

Hold on - It's not OUR fault that only five other people have responded! See above for my thoughts on 'projected blame'! And looking now this topic has had 295 hits since bid and i started our discussion, so obviously someone's interested!

 

 

 

 

The original purpose of the thread was to post information about a website and ask for feedback. If anyone else is following this thread please feel free to post responses related to Delyth's topic.

 

Thanks

 

K x

 

Sorry, Delyth . if you look back to my original post, you'll see my feedback, which is, in a nutshell, that I'm all for greater understanding, and I'm particularly interested in how your group will overcome some of the predictable pitfalls.

 

L&P

 

BD

[barefoot wend]

Delyth

 

I think your site will help a good deal of people and is very welcoming.

 

Barefoot

[Delyth]

Oh dear... just a quick comment before I dash off to collect children from school...

 

Baddad - I will find the time soon to reply to your comments, probably not til the weekend though as am busy next couple of days.

Thanks for raising your concerns. I will get back to you. Just to say that I understand all of what you are saying and have had/do have similar concerns and doubts regarding the issues you mention. I think it is good to voice them and discuss as they are important.

 

Bid - thanks for your attempts to support.

 

Will write again soon... sorry unable to give it the time needed right now! A little frustrating for all!

 

Delyth

 

 

 

 

[baddad]

Oh dear... just a quick comment before I dash off to collect children from school...

 

Baddad - I will find the time soon to reply to your comments, probably not til the weekend though as am busy next couple of days.

Thanks for raising your concerns. I will get back to you. Just to say that I understand all of what you are saying and have had/do have similar concerns and doubts regarding the issues you mention. I think it is good to voice them and discuss as they are important.

 

Bid - thanks for your attempts to support.

 

Will write again soon... sorry unable to give it the time needed right now! A little frustrating for all!

 

Delyth

 

Hi delyth - that's reassuring in itself

 

Hope the 'busy' is good busy

 

L&P

 

BD

 

[Delyth]

Hi Baddad

 

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond - busy with work and domestic duties!

 

Thanks for sharing your concerns. I understand what you are saying and I really wish I had more time to discuss your comments in depth and give them the attention they deserve as I fully appreciate what you are saying. Sorry that I can't.

Having said this, I do spend a great deal of time considering the issues, just haven't the time to write it down and debate!

 

The support group that I am developing does have clear aims and rules of conduct that people agree to abide by just like this forum or any other public forum. The main aim is to promote understanding and better communication between AS and non-AS. People who come are genuinely seeking this aim and my role is to ensure that this is kept to. If any person was seen, felt or heard to be abusive, patronising or with motives other than gaining insight and understanding they would not be allowed to attend.

 

Interestingly, of the few partners that have started coming, most do not blame AS for their relationship difficulties but are more inclined to blame themselves.

 

Once again, thanks for your comments and sorry I am unable to reply in depth to them on this forum.

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

Edited March 18, 2009 by Delyth