mum driving me MAD!!!

[Mum of 3]

I am so MAD !!!!!

My Mum's decided that the way to treat G is by giving him EXACTLY what he wants/desires no matter what I say or do!!!!!

This, by the way, is all based on one line she read in one book by an American mother of a boy with AS, where the mother justifies travelling through 3 states looking for a particular Thomas train, because her son 'needs' it!!!!! In other words (Baddad, take note!), any slight wish is now to be instantly granted, no matter what else is going on, because his AS (not confirmed, BTW, only under assessment!) excuses him everything.

 

So, this morning, when he'd spent 40 minutes refusing to get ready for school, and then thrown his cereal on the floor shouting 'I don't want THIS! Make me a honey sandwich, NOW!', I told him it was cereal or nothing, and gone to get ready. Mum arrived to babysit the babies as I had an 8.30 meeting with G's teacher for which I was already late. G had had no breakfast, and Mum was worried he'd be hungry (pushing my guilty Mum buttons!). She'd missed the cereal throwing, but caught the aftermath and knew I was cross. I said 'Ok, he can have a slice of bread to eat on the way. Would you mind cutting it?' Next thing I know, he's at her side, directing the making of his perfect honey sandwich! I said 'No honey!', and he started to scream abuse at me. She threw up her hands and said she just couldn't cope with this and to 'take him away...I don't want to be in the middle of this.'

So I ended up dragging him to school while he cried and wailed for his Grandma (who, by the way, is the only person in the world he loves, who loves him, who he wants to go and live with....).

this evening, she decided to come for the children's tea time. She told my 3 Yr old to 'hurry up and eat. I'm not spoonfeeding you. I hate feeding children.', and then about 5 minutes later, G stopped eating, so she picked up his fork and happily fed him (he's 5 and a half, and I've expressly asked her not to do anything for him he can do for himself). When I asked her not to, they both rounded on me and she said he 'needs a helpy-hand so he can finish his dinner.'

After his bath, he refused to get into his PJs. Even Mum lost her rag with him and shouted at him to get dressed. He responded by turning upside down in an armchair and showing his bum. I told him to get dressed NOW, or go straight to bed with no stories.

He ignored me, so I took him , kicking, screaming and shouting abuse, up to bed. He was screaming that he wanted a kiss from Grandma, he wouldn't go to bed, etc. I got cross and shouted him down, telling him he'd get his kiss when he was quiet in bed (against my better judgement, but past experience tells me she doesn't like to be 'used as a punishment').

G responded by throwing all his teddies, pillows, off his bed into his doorway. When I came downstairs, Mum was sighing and saying 'I just can't be part of this....I can't stand this any more....I don't want to be in the middle of this'. She asked me if she should wait until he calmed down, or go home straight away, I said he probably wouldn't calm down until he fell asleep, so she could go and give him a quick kiss and say goodbye if she wanted to, but he wasn't getting up out of bed. She went upstairs and was gone for ages. I followed her up and found her sitting on his bed, cuddling him and reading him a story!!!

I asked her to stop-that wasn't part of the deal! G went ballistic, and she stormed out of the house, telling my DH on the way out that she wasn't coming back until she was asked (!).

I did the dutiful daughter bit, and phoned her up later, and she said she 'understands why I'm doing what I'm trying to do, and doesn't argue with it, but she feels differently, and she can't do it.' She wouldn't elaborate on what she meant, and has now said that she will continue to pick G up from school, and having him to stay over on tuesdays, and take him to school on Weds mornings (this is our current arrangement so I can work, although I'm off with stress at the moment ), but she doesn't want to be involved any more than that.

 

In other words, she won't be seeing me or my other two children, but will still have G without me being there to interfere!

 

I really don't want to fall out with my mum aver this, but this has been building for ages. What can I do?

Edited May 8, 2009 by Mum of 3

[isme]

Oh god you have no idea what a nerve that has hit with me! Ben is 8 and we have similar issues with my mil.. Nanny can do no wrong - EVER. Ben is "always an angel when I have him" and "you just dont understand him"! erm, actually I have a better idea of his triggers, what he likes, when he retreats etc and his behavioural issues than she will ever have, and besides she only ever has him on a one to one basis!!!

I feel your frustration!!!!

[frogslegs]

Oh dear.... <'> <'> <'>

[pookie170]

Oh, arrgh, what a horrible situation for you all to be in. Its really so hard when people have very different ideas about managing a child's behaviours and it impacts on so many families-many of whom have only NT kids! Throw behavioural issues, special needs etcc into the mix and it all intensifies. I soooo get what you're talking about!! <'>

 

I can think of a couple of things you could try, though you might have tried them already.

Sit down and think about all the positive things your Mum brings to your life, write them down if you like too. Not just about the positives she brings to you, but to your family as well.

 

Then think on the problems you're experiencing with her, (I think you've probably identified flashpoints already!! ) and write them down too, to try and help you organise your thoughts. You might try tackling this as you would with school. If everyone's singing from the same hymn sheet, it's better for the child AND those around him. Perhaps you could put together copies of any strategies/tools you're using to try and help your son? Star charts, timetables, that kind of thing.

It sounds like your Mum is trying to be helpful, and wants to be involved in her grandsons' life, which is a hugely positive thing,as I'm sure you appreciate, so perhaps she'll be open to going over these things with you? Maybe then, you could suggest the possibility of setting out rules that everyone follows, and work these ground rules out with her. Things like not helping him feed himself, for example, or only reading stories when he's went to bed without a fuss.....

I think the way that you approach this kind of venture might be the key towards forging a more positive vibe in your relationship. A bit like school reports or workplace evaluations, make sure you accentuate/express the positives your Mums help brings, and try to avoid broaching problems with phrases like 'When you do this, it causes problems because....' as she'll become defensive and you're back where you started.

 

I totally get your frustration. As isme says, your Mum isn't dealing with all the fallout and meltdowns that go hand in hand with your son's condition at the moment, she doesn't have him all week, 24-7 as you do, doesn't have to deal with all the outside agencies as you do.......

But look at it from her POV, for a moment. She's a Granny, and what do most grandparents tend to do? See their grandchildren through rose-tinted specs and spoil them a bit. (Or a lot, in some cases!) Many grandparents find it hard to be as firm as they probably should be when their grandchildren play up, but I think this is natural enough. And the way your son is expressing his feelings about his Gran is pretty much par for the course, too. I can recall perfectly a few similar situations in our house when I was growing up-my Mum's Mum was as soft as butter with us, but had been a strict parent to her own kids.

Bear in mind that if you disagree with the way your Mum handles something, it might be better to express this out of the childrens' earshot. Otherwise, your Mums going to feel undermined and be angry about that and I doubt that she'll then be receptive to your concerns, which do seem valid to me.

I really hope I don't offend you with any of my suggestions/thoughts, and don't want to add to your stress in any way. Feel free to ignore them, if you wish!

Just remember- you are still your Mum's baby, it sounds very much like she loves you and wants to help you, and nothing beats a calm, controlled but honest discussion. Most kids extended families don't have to get involved behavioural strategies, but when those kids are special like ours, they do.

I hope you manage to work this out- have a <'>

 

Esther x

[Mum of 3]

Thanks, all for all the <'> s and excellent advice. I was really upset all last night, and couldn't stop thinking about it all morning , but when I looked on here and saw these i felt much better.

Pookie, I'm definately going to sit down tonight and make those lists. I think it's a really good idea, and will put all this into perspective. My DH keeps saying it's for the best, and things will now have a chance to change and improve-that she will have to listen to our point of view after this. I just keep thinking what if she doesn't, and just turns against me

She hasn't rung today, which is unheard of. I can't ring her because she told me she doesn't want to know any more.

[Kazzen161]

Something that I have found useful, is to always think "Do I want my child to be doing this when he is 20?".

 

Most NT children grow out of things naturally and want their independence (eg: feeding themselves). For children with ASD old habits die hard - if she feeds him now, he will expect it when he is 20. Is that what your Mother wants? Tell her she has an important part to play in helping him to learn to be independent.

 

Our children's liking for routine, habits and consistency can be put to good use, by making sure that the habits they learn are good ones.

 

 

[hamish]

Hi,

 

How awful for you , I can understand why you are so mad, being undermined is so frustrating. I think the advice about talking to your mum about how giving into G now will affect him in the future is worth a try. Having said that mothers are a law unto themselves (I'm pretty sure I drive my DD mad too ).

 

Hope you get it sorted, we have the opposite problem- don't see my mother for dust!

 

S x

[joybed]

We are also in the same situation. My Mum can see no wrong in Marcus and we are always the bad guys. She also throws money at him left right and centre. He can do what he wants when he wants and eat what he wants. she has no regard for our rules. Marcus frequently says he can no longer live with us as it is too hard, I have tried to explain to mum that i can,t give in to his every whim as I have 2 other children and a job to hold down but she doesn,t get it. We have fallen out over this numerous times once for 3 years we had no contact and a few weeks ago she reported me to social services saying I was abusing him. DH can,t believe I still speak to her but she is my Mum. On the other hand she takes great delight in telling me how badly behaved my other boy is I have explained he is probably has ASD too but she prefers to believe he is just naughty and also the cause of Marcus problems. I am finally learning to shrug some of the things off but occasionally I lose patience with her.

[Sooze2]

<'> <'> <'>

 

What an awful situation for you when life is stresful enough. The main thing that stood out for me is the fact that she is babying your son yet his younger siblings are expected to be independant - there is a danger that they will start to resent him and her as time goes on which can become a problem too.

 

Perhaps you could explain to her that you have been told that consitancy is the biggest key to improving his behaviour and once you as Mum say something it can't be changed like - "if you don't eat your cereal you go to school hungry" he's trying to control every situation and if he thinks there is a tiny chance that he can make you back down he will fight tooth and nail until you do - your Mum stepping in and giving him the bread and honey reinforces to him that its worth having a tantrum every time just incase he may get what he wants evenually and he will do it every time even if it only works one time out of 100! My son would do exactly the same and I never gave in to him even if he screamed and kicked me in the park/outside school etc because it just made things worse for weeks afterwards if I did. The Gradparents thought I was really mean and used to go around saying "oh shame he/she's upset" but they aren't living in my house and I know for a fact that if it was my DH or me doing it as a child we would have got a hard smack or two and sent to our rooms for the day instead. I think you are doing the right thing and your Mum is in the wrong here and is must be unbearable! I really feel for you.

 

Could you buy some books on ASD for her to read? Amazon have loads to choose from. Sometimes our kids push the boundaries because they need to know that the rules stay the same so they can feel safe and your mum giving in everytime may be making him feel insecure and unsure of himself and his little world. What is he like when its just you looking after him and he knows your mum isn't coming round? Up until recently my DS would get really stressed when he knew people were comming round here, every little thing would cause a majour tantrum and he just wanted to be left alone.

 

I think you left it in a good way, she has your son when you arranged and doesn't come to your house and mess up your routines - don't worry about upsetting her because it will mean you can spend time with your younger ones and she can't interfear with how you do things. Would she have liked her mother interfearing with her parenting? I don't think so somehow. Ive not been in the situation myself - our parents don't help at all but I'm starting to think that is a blessing these days.

 

<'>

[Mum of 3]

Thanks for all your replies, everyone...I thought I'd give you a bit if an update.

I went to see Mum yesterday, after talking with my DH at length about what was going on, and how we wanted to move forward with this (once I'd got over the shock of what she'd done, I realised it might not be such a bad thing for her to back away a bit...).

I told her that I understood that she was wanting to make things better for us all by keeping G happy, but that this wasn't the way to go about it, and the inconsistancy is confusing and upsetting for him. She has agreed to follow my lead on rules, and to back me up more when we're all together, and I think she will really try(!).

I think this has cleared the air, and opened up communication a bit, so that I will be able to nip it in the bud if she starts doing things that undermine me in the future.

Once again, thanks everyone for all your advice and support

[skye]

That's a really positive thing! I sure hope that things start looking up now. Sometimes it is the best to get things off of your chest and try to start again. I am glad she was ok about it and didn't get offended and agreed to help you more. Well done you!!

[Mum of 3]

That's a really positive thing! I sure hope that things start looking up now. Sometimes it is the best to get things off of your chest and try to start again. I am glad she was ok about it and didn't get offended and agreed to help you more. Well done you!!

 

Thanks Skye, I've been feeling really down for ages, wondering if I'm doing the right thing for G, is it or isn't it going to turn out to be ASD?...And what to we do if it is?...And what do we do if it isn't?....It has literally been driving me mad, and I think Mum's felt she's had to step in to help me and 'protect ' me.

I think what happened on Friday just brought me back to my senses...I realised that I have to take control, and be in charge-as much for myself as for the children.

Ironically, although it was awful (especially on Friday when I first posted), I now feel so much stronger and more positive, and I feel really proud of the way I've handled it

[oxgirl]

Well done, Mum of 3, sounds like you've really made progress with your mum. If you can, try to agree a rule between you, your mum and DH that you don't disagree with each other on issues of discipline, etc. in front of your lad, it's so confusing and unsettling for them. If you can agree a game plan between the three of you out of earshot of your lad then you'll be a more united front and you'll all work more effectively together.

 

Good luck with it.

 

~ Mel ~

[Mum of 3]

Well done, Mum of 3, sounds like you've really made progress with your mum. If you can, try to agree a rule between you, your mum and DH that you don't disagree with each other on issues of discipline, etc. in front of your lad, it's so confusing and unsettling for them. If you can agree a game plan between the three of you out of earshot of your lad then you'll be a more united front and you'll all work more effectively together.

 

Good luck with it.

 

~ Mel ~

 

Good advice, Mel, thanks. We've kind of got this rule, and I'm determined to stick to it from now on!