anyone have problems with family members who don,t have a clue

[joybed]

Hi all just spent the day shopping with my cousin, niece, and my twin boy and girl. We were shoe shopping she dragged us round the shops for 1 1/2 hours looking for shoes and tried to take us into yet another shop, Piers is a poor shopper and I could tell was about to blow. I suggested we get a drink as my 2 were really thirsty which she wasn,t impressed with, I bought them a drink to share (silly me, Piers doesn,t do sharing) and he had a meltdown throwing himself to the floor kicking and screaming, you know the score. I was also on the floor trying to reassure him when my cousin comes along and drags him up by his arms telling him he was naughty and to get a grip, she said he had better move or else. I told her calmly that that wouldn,t work with him and she was making matters worse, to which she replied that I had no idea how to deal with my kids and they were badly behaved and poorly controlled (Lydia had behaved perfectly all day). I said she didn,t know what she was talking about and that Piers was being assesed for ASD and this was the way I dealt with him. She commented she didn,t think it was a good way as he was still on the floor having a tantrum and in her opinion he needed a good smack. i asked her not to interfere as they were my children and asked if she had undergone a child psychology course since i last saw her. She completely lost the plot threatened to hit me and became very confrontational. I calmly commented on her mature behaviour. She said she didnt like the way I had spoken to her and again threatened to knock me out, this was in front of my children and niece. As you can expect the kids were very upset.

My dilemma is we are all bridesmaids/ paigeboys at her wedding in july and I know Piers won,t get through the day without a tantrum and I just know this will lead to another argument if not from me from DH. This is the latest in a long line of problems with my family who are adament their is nothing wrong with Piers other than his home environment. My other ASD boy can do no wrong, as far as they are concerned every problem that occurs with him is as a result of either DH and myself or Piers. How can I keep the peace when it looks like a diagnosis is a long way off. My Mum said just to ignore me but i will not have people interfering with the way i bring up my children, I prefer love and respect not smack them till they can,t sit down. Piers is aggressive enough without me being aggressive also. Anyone else had this dilemma sureley I am not the only one, how did you deal with it, I feel like running away and having no contact with anyone but my nieces and sister and BIL.

[bid]

TBH Joy, thinking of what my DS was like when he was little, I would make some polite excuse and bow out of the pageboy thing! He was my pageboy when I married Jester, and there was one wonderful official photo of him running off across the hotel grounds with my matron-of-honour in hot pursuit, and then the one of him running away across stepping stones across a small lake thing...you get the picture! (this was pre-dx, or pre-anything, when everyone told me I was just neurotic )

 

Probably not much help, but sorry you've had such a rough day and I think your cousin sounds awful!! <'>

 

Bid

 

ETA: and in some Bridezilla Moment of Madness I decided DS should have a sort of ball of flowers on a ribbon to hold...just like a great big conker really...

Edited May 30, 2009 by bid

[sesley]

hi its hard to educate the family,but you will have to explain to your cousin about autism and what it is,also,explain threatening you with violence and in front of children is not on,and to be considered as an assault on you and frightened the children.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Firstly, well done you for handling the situation extremely well given the circumstances. Shame on your cousin and niece for the way they behaved (fine role models - not!).

 

Sadly, there can be a real mixed bag of people when it comes to autism: some who genuinely don't know what it is, some who do and are as understanding as they can be; some who think they know all about it.

 

I think you're in a difficult situation about the wedding, but perhaps this 'incident' is perhaps a sign of what's may be in store. I'd give the wedding a miss - not out of vindictiveness, but out of concern and what's best for your children. Your cousin and niece haven't a clue about autism and acted in a shocking manner (confrontational manner in front of your kids), which is inexcusable. They also, gave a clear insight into how they perceive things. I'd give it a few days and tell them that you don't want to stress your kids out further by forcing them to conform in a way and in an envrionment in which they'd have great difficulty doing so. They've expressed the fact that they don't share you methods, which is fine, but doing so in front of your kids in a confrontational manner is not acceptable. My family disagree with how I handle my son (7/AS) which I accept, but I won't tolerate them taking over or blatantly undermining me without discussion first. Your family must learn to accept you and your kids for the way you are and if not, they aren't worth knowing.

 

Caroline.

[NobbyNobbs]

also bear in mind until your childl has a firm diagnosis, people will tend to err on the side of 'thats a load of rubbish, they just can't look after their kid'. for some reason thats more comfortable for them to believe than that a child has a genuine problem.

 

i'm an adult, have no behavioural probs, and still some of my relatives take that attitude towards me!

[joybed]

The cousin in question is a recently qualified nurse who went on holiday with me just before DH1 was diagnosed. She was 14 and her parents had told me she was allowed to drink alcohol and would know when she had had enough, 10 pints later she was still going strong and had absolutely no inhibitions whatsoever. The following night i tried to go home at a reasonable hour to curb her drinking and she did a runner I ended up touring Malia all night looking for her with Marcus in his buggy asleep, she was in some 20 year olds apartment, her parents laughed when i told them. I ended up spending my holiday putting my 3 year old to sleep on the settee of random bars so I could keep an eye on her. I had booked the holiday for just me and DS1 (single parent) but my parents didn,t want me to go alone so asked me to take her, ended up being more trouble than it was worth.

She has a very nasty temper as does her father I spent my teenage years watching him kick holes in walls when he was in a temper my aunt said that was OK because at least he wasn,t hitting her and the kids. 1 of her brothers has anger manegement problems as well and all I hear is how much Piers is like him but, Piers sees no aggresion at all. I am fed up of my family telling me what I am doing wrong, how bad my DH is and how I should leave him and move back in with my parents and then everything will be perfect. For them it would be they would have control over me and I wouldn,t have a life. DH is furious and wants to go to the wedding even less now (nobody in my family speaks to him as he doesn,t allow them to walk allover him so they feel the best policy is to pretend he doesn,t exist and slate him at every opportunity). He isn,t perfect who is but he isn,t the ogre they make out.

We are struggling to get a diagnosis because Piers wants to make friends even though he goes about it in innapropriate ways and the consultant we are seeing says most of his behaviour is learnt from Marcus, she suggested on our first appointment that i should take a parenting course. This and my family is really knocking my confidence, I have been in floods of tears tonight I know deep down i am a good parent. I play with my kids, I make sure they do their homework, I attend every hospital and school appointment given to us, I have read countless books on ASD and child development, they eat decent food and get loads of love and encouragement but somehow this is never enough (according to some). My parents shower DS1 with gifts and money undermine all my rules and make life very easy for him so consequently he prefers to be with them and I feel I am slowly losing him. They don,t see the twins enough to do this but still break all my rules when they do. I hate confrontation and am a very passive person, I know my family isn,t good for me but don,t have the guts to break away, I also worry what it would do to DS1 as he is very close to his Nanna but not in a healthy way in my opinion. Feel a bit ###### tonight, will go and open a bottle of wine hopefully things will feel better in the morning. Sorry if I sound morose and bitter. I try to be positive (and generally suceed) but it is hard when everyone knocks you back all the time.

On a lighter note Piers and Lydia are still not asleep but have just come through having coloured their noses in with red felt tip apparently it is red nose day, at least they make me smile (although I wish they were asleep).

[joybed]

Just want to add my niece had no part in it, she didn,t back me up but i wouldn,t expect her to really, she is only 18 and also a bridesmaid and you have to be quiet to survive in our family unfortunately. She is very like me and this has already led her into trouble (the words you are so like your aunty Joy is said to highlight how unfavourably she is behaving). I feel for her, because she is heading the same way as me she has already made steps to leave the village we were born in (mortal sin according to our family) and is no where near being married (in fact when they find out she is Bi sexual the poo will really hit the fan I am the only one she has had the confidence to tell). She is great with my kids and accepts them for who they are and I would trust her with each and every one of them. I just didn,t want anyone to get the wrong end of the stick and tarnish her beautiful nature.

[bid]

<'> <'>

 

Hope the wine helps a wee bit...

 

Bid

[Paula]

<'> <'> <'>

 

 

been there done it with bells on as regard to family memebers not getting it,blameing me ,our home ect reckoning theyd have it sorted with disapline and a good old fashioned smack.Took 15 years................thats how old my son is now for the peny to drop he cant actually help it and im not to blame.......oh and my sister who adopted a little girl and then discovering shed got similar problems.Shes now in the same rotton boat i was in 10 years ago with our parents thinking all this little girl needs is a good smack and that theres nothing up with her.Untill someones been in youre shoes they havent a clue.

 

 

If i were you id not be going to the wedding full stop..............i didnt go to my sisters daughters christening because at the time my son would have hated it...oh she moaned and said id let her down but she got over it.You cant win if id gone and it and all kicked of id have been in bother so we stayed away...i saw photos and a video..........

 

 

Ive learnt over the years to safe me breath on the explaniation front......to be blunt sod em all i please myself where my son and his problems are concerend at the end of the day im the one whos always got to be there for him.

[connieruff]

I am old and ugly enough now to avoid anyone who constantly makes me feel bad about my self or my family. I avoid situations that make me feel more stressed than I already am, one of these is shopping with my asd son. The only time I go shopping with him is if he has done really well at school, then I get up early with him, go to town, buy him a toy, and out again. You say Piers is a poor shopper, he hates it, and so dont take him unless you have to. I do Tesco on line.

Perhaps go to the wedding but do not take your son, he wont enjoy it anyway. Having said that you are letting these people make you sad by having contact with them. You can choose to walk away. There does not need to be an almighty row, just distance yourself gradually, give them the odd phone call, be nice, don't badmouth them to anyone (it always gets back) but dont let yourself or your childen any contact with anyone who makes you or them feel bad. That includes any member of your family or friends. Sounds like you are a wonderful mum, and are being brought down by these awful people. Its hard enough for teachers to accept ASD - so I dont even try to explain my son to some people, I just avoid people who I know are ignorant and nasty.

[bikemad]

My mum and dad dont have a clue n dont even try to understand n surprise surprise my son dont like them...my sisters try hard n also if not sure will ask, my aunt whom ive not seen for years saw ds the other day n within 5mins of seeing him asked is he on the spectrum....I asked how could she tell n she said its obvious...she works in O/T lol. My mother in law is also fantastic with ds but the rest of that side of the family are as much use as a chocolate teapot on a hot day.

[CEJesson]

My grandparents don't have much of a clue.

[mossgrove]

For me there are two main groups.

 

People who don't have a clue but know that they don't and are willing to listen and learn are not a problem.

 

People who don't have a clue but think they know it all are best avaoided, even if you cause offense by doing so.

 

Simon

[CWP]

I am still struggling with this one myself. I am still waiting for diagnosis also. However it makes me sooooooooooo angry when people assume its bad behaviour or my parenting. People really don't have a clue. What bugs me most is the people closest who act like they care and yet refuse to actuallyeducate themselves. The best one is 'yes I know he has Aspergers but sometimes do you not think he is using it as an excuse'. Shut up no he isn't he can't BECAUSE HE HAS ASPERGERS!! Its people who think that things like depression don't exist - 'you just need to pull yourself together'. If it was that easy I would you complete ignoramous! Rant over!

[joybed]

Just thought i would update the situation looks like noone in the family is going to the wedding anyway. Most of my female members of family are in Maguluf on the Hen do and it sounds like fun (not). i should have gone but after the issue with Piers backed out, they refused to give me my money back and gave my ticket away to another family member. Whilst there my delightful cousin has beaten up my mother and thrown my 18 year old niece out of the apartment in the middle of the night. I am furious as you can imagine and now neither me nor lydia are being bridesmaids as well as piers not being paige boy. My sister has also withdrawn her children as bridesmaids. Her own mother is now no longer going to the wedding. They say you get what you deserve. the 30 grand wedding is now seriously depleted on guests.

[sassyj]

Hi Joy,

sounds like you are best out of it.

I understand completly how difficult it can be with family members that dont understand Autism. My brother is totally useless at understanding cheeky one, he tries to be supportive but usually makes situations worse. I have now come to the point where I wont go to his house unless absolutly necessary, but I do welcome him in my home as long as he follows the rules I make.

What a lot of money your cousin is spendin on a wedding that hardly anyone will be attending!

I think the cousin has got her just deserts.

 

[Tally]

Well, it sounds like your non-attendence has kind of paled into insignificance.