NT Friend Issues

[Willow-Tree]

Hiya,

I tend to have more NT friends than ones on the Autistic Spectrum. My friends with AS, well..we just have a mutual understanding about things, and we know what we're like and we don't questions any issues because 9 times out of 10 we've all been there before. But, my NT friends are so hard to keep. They say things that I don't understand and then we get in arguments because I take things the wrong way, and then most of the time, after any arguments, I lose them. And always end up feeling like it was my fault. They always say they have to put so much effort in to make me happy. And I never ask them to make me happy. And when they say something patronizing to me, or they make a joke and I take it personally (which is understandble, because they're just not clear about ANYTHING) they always seem to just turn everything around and make them seem like the good person and me the bad. And I just don't understand how I am supposed to explain myself. They know that I have Asperger's, so can't they automatically work around it, like I have to work around them being normal. They act like they're the only ones having to work hard at the friendship. But I have such a difficult job, trying to A) act normal for their sake, B ) remember things about them and all the other friends and then try to act accordingly C) remember things we have said in the past. I just get so confused. And now I'm just ranting.

 

Does anyone else with AS have this problem?

 

Is there anyone NT around here that knows what I can do?

 

Or..anyone with AS that has come up with a solution?

 

:(

 

Willow

xx

Edited August 3, 2009 by Willow-Tree

[KezT]

as an NT person, all I can suggest is keep trying and eventually you will find a number of friends who are able to properly understand what your AS means and act accordingly, and remain friends even if you get "it" wrong sometimes.

 

TBH, NT people have similar issues with friends (well, I do). they come and go, some people obviously consider friendship to be other to what I think it is.... good friends are hard to come by, but when you get them, they will stay for years

[Willow-Tree]

Thank you for your fast reply. I just seem to make people angry a lot and it's getting a bit annoying, losing people because they don't understand me. Even when I explain to them, and even give them good website to read, if they don't understand they way I say it.

But ohh well!

 

Willow

x

[smiley1590]

hey willow -Tree

 

 

i'm have exactly same issue at the moment expect i don't have any AS friends just NT's but i find hard to keep ,they say things that don't understand i get so lost,confused ,frustrated angry at why i don't! grrr.... when people say things i take things VERY to heart-literal it upsets me yeah i feel like they goodie im the evil bad friend that let them down by having AS and not understanding friendships and what it involves! i feel like have to work around my friends as they are NT's that annoys the hell out of me! even though i know they can't do it the other way and wouldn't want them too! i feel enbarrassed guilty and ashamed of even attempting to explain why i don't social situations easy for me there more difficult! i feel scared your not ranting just explaining how you feel trust me you NOT alone in this! do you feel tired of trying to make an effort to socialise with NT's fed up? it connected with mixture of issues that AS related like low self -esteem , social anxiety poor social skills i HATE sarcams and patrosing comments being made i feel under pressure to achieve socially like 'everyone else' even in room people i feel so alone -isolated i feel like my friends aren't clear enough for me but scared to speak up and tell them straight of how could make it easier my friends are disorganised ,selfish which gets me worked up,distressed! i feel like i have no choice in acting 'normal' for them which makes it so stressful and unbearable for feeling 'forced' by yourself to go ahead and not back down on social activities and make excuses to cover up the social 'cracks' that AS plays personally! i feel childish i can't relate to subject topics they mention at times so that makes divide bigger in my head i get paranoid i said or done the wrong thing i doubt myself i lost quite few friends over misunderstandings of AS and how this socially affects my needs and skills!

 

have u looked into social anxiety disorder???

and NAS into help and support with social communication skills this may help understanding them easier to handle and grasp!?

hope this helps you

 

take care

XKLX

[Tally]

If you are having to act normal for your friends' sake, then there is something fundamentally wrong with the friendship - something more than just not understanding each other. If people only want to be your friend when you act a certain way, then who are they friends with? Not you.

 

I have virtually no friends at all, so I am clearly not a good example. Have you tried making friends who share your interests, perhaps at some kind of club or class? Having something in common is a good basis for a friendship.

[Willow-Tree]

Have you tried making friends who share your interests, perhaps at some kind of club or class? Having something in common is a good basis for a friendship.

 

Hiya, I did all of that, I used to go to clubs and things, but it never works out! I don't act normal, I act like me, but then when I start to annoy them I have to try and be normal to figure out why they're being so weird. And..it's all just very confusing!

Willow

[Zen Dragon]

Hi Willow-Tree

I'm new to all this, in fact its my first post.

But i wouldnt be so hard on yourself. Not being able to make friends is surely an Aspie trait.

Before I knew about Aspergers i always thought it was because I moved so much as a kid, so I never knew anyone for longer than three years. But actually it's just me, I cant do it

For me there are several problems...not necessarily in this order!!

There are times when I dont want to communicate with people...its just too much. NT people seem to be on a slightly more even keel and just think you're moody or not really friendly.

I'm too scared, confused to be myself so how can they really get to know me.

I'm fine at socialising and being with people up to a point but I dont let them get too close...again too fearful.

I can only be a certain way with certain people...like I have a work persona who can be really friendly at work but i wouldnt know how to be at home or at their house with these work friends.

So billy no mates, its hard at times but OK if you can feel OK about yourself.

 

[Willow-Tree]

Thank you for that post. It was nice to read that someone is similar. I mean, I know people are, but sometimes it's nice to see it in words. Makes me feel less alone. I know how you mean, with the work persona. I won't work but at school, I'm a certain way with people, because I'm in my 'school' frame of mind. Which is why when I see them in town, I avoid them and run and hide! I'm sure my friend will be okay. He wants to understand, but has issues understanding. But I think the fact he wants to understand is a big step for him, because he didn't used to want to, and many people don't.

 

Willow

[LordGorse]

First off (and this is probably just a very pedantic point ) you do act normal, for an Aspie, and in my opinion if someone with Aspergers feel they need to behave differently in a social situation (ie, with friends) then there is something wrong with the friends. Throughout school I didn't know about Aspergers and didn't make many friends; like you a lot of the friendships were transient, but there was one guy in particular who seemed to "get me" right from the start. Today he is the only friend I have and we haven't seen each other for around six years (soon to change!). But my point is, having one friend who accepts you is worth more than a hundred who don't/can't. And they can't accept you if you aren't being yourself. It's very hard, I know, especially at your age (god I feel old ), but trying to fit somewhere you aren't meant to fit will only cause greater pain in the long run. If these so called "friends" get angry at you for being you they aren't worth knowing.

 

Just my thoughts; sorry if I tend to come across a tad militant

[Mandapanda]

Hi Willow-Tree

 

Firstly, you shouldn't be the one making all the effort in a friendship. That sounds like them 'letting you tag along'. I've had 'friends' like that. They are not worth it.

 

I have trouble with friendships too. At the moment I have no friends I see regularly. We've had a stressful few years as a family and the friends I did have just didn't understand, and I got fed up with always feeling I was moaning when I saw them.

 

I had a revelation when I went to work in an Estate Agents (yes, I know, but I really enjoyed it!). Clients would come in, have a chat, and go. We would see them through their house sale/purchase and then not see them again. I found I really enjoyed that sort of contact - brief 'transitory' friendships, you could call it. I now work in a NHS clinic and it is in a way a similar environment. It fulfils my need for seeing and chatting with people without me having to work out how to maintain a friendship.

 

At the moment we also have a good team of secretaries at work that I am getting on well with. We meet in the evening about every 2 months and have a meal or see a show, and this is really great, something I've never had before. In my experience, people who work in the NHS mostly have good hearts and therefore potential for good work friendships, if not longer term friendship

 

I still wish I had 1 or 2 good friends, but I accept that I find it difficult and hope that will develop sometime.

 

[bikemad]

My son has no friends.....everyone he meets will end up making fun of him or bullying him within a few hours of knowing him cos he is so different to them. He has 2 acquaintances in school but even they dont understand him n he cant understand them....he struggles to understand why they do or say stuff n cant grasp what they mean especially if they are being sarcastic.