relationships etc

[CEJesson]

Hello all,

 

I am struggling a bit with relationships - really want a girlfriend and am quite socially confident but this is an area that Ive really struggled in, I suppose back at school learning to deal with basic social interaction took first place and now that I am wanting to settle down its proving quite difficult to realise what the best way forward is. I manage to understand that I am not 'incapable' but just need a bit of advice.

 

I am friends with many girls but many that I really would like to be with are either too much of a 'good friend', taken or even quite a bit older than me. What would be the best approach?

I also hate the pressure of being around other people in this situation, or for others arranging something for me, and envy how others my age can seemingly randomly go out on the pull.

 

Ive come to terms with many of my asperger traits, most of which I am proud of, and don't show many these days. But this problem and unecessary anxiety still remain. Usually the only times I get disheartened or depressed are related to relationships (or lack of). Its quite hard at university having this problem.

 

When I started University a girl on my course was after me and the anxieties of starting a new chapter of life took over, and I didn't take the chance. This is very regrettable, but at the time (2007) it just wasn't what I was focussing on.

 

Hope you can help,

 

Chris

Edited August 11, 2009 by CEJesson

[KezT]

What are you finding difficult? Asking girls out on a date, or going on the date & what to do, or knowing which girls to ask in the first place?

 

At the end of the day, the first date thing is pretty awkward for everyone LOl. Ignore all those stupid chat up lines and "experts" etc in books & on TV, and just be open and homest. If you already know girls and are able to talk to them, then just ask one if they would like to come out with just you next Friday. Make sure it is is clear that you want it to be just you & them and see what they say. If they are friends, they will tell you straight out if they think its not a good idea!

 

If you are concerned about what to do on your date, I would suggest doing something that you can discuss together. For example go to a filem, then have a meal/coffee. that way you can talk about the film to start with and maybe it will digress into other subjects if you get on well, but if not, at least you haven't spent an hour stuck together with nothing to say.

[baddad]

Hi Chris -

Not sure I can offer any real advice as it was all so long ago for me!

I think, though, that for some people 'pulling', smart chat-up lines and so on aren't the way to go, particularly if the liklihood is that on the tail of that 'killer' line they're going to find the next stage even more difficult/uncomfortable because they can't keep it up (oh stop it, you at the back!) and it's not really who they are. Similarly, going to the kind of venues that people traditionally hook up in (Nightclubs/popular and noisy pubs etc) isn't going to make it any easier if they're not the kind of territories that feel comfortable.

Another thing I think often happens - and you'll hear this all the time, so there must be some truth in it - is that when you're 'looking' for a relationship it rarely happens. I think there's mixed reasons for that, and it's not so much about coming over 'desperate' but more that you're looking for 'anyone' rather than 'someone' and all the signals get mixed up (?)

A much better way to go (IMO) is to sort out a social life/network/circuit first that includes things you really enjoy or feel comfortable with and just see what happens. My guess is that's how that 'missed opportunity' back in '07 came up - from being who you are rather than from being what you thought girls might want you to be(?). At the risk of sounding patronising/obvious, a bookworm is much more likely to meet the girl of his dreams at a book group/fair/in a library, while an extreme sports fanatic is much more likely to do so at 3000ft with a rubber bungee tied round his ankles. If he happens to be into books and extreme sports; then the extreme sports section of the local bookshop is an ideal place to hang out - especially if it's one of those new-fangled bookshops with sofas and coffee etc

Another thing that might help is reading a book about body language. There are no hard and fast rules, and some girls give off 'flirt signals' left right and centre (knowingly or unwittingly; though always the claim will be 'unwittingly'), while others block the natural signals almost completely because of their own embarrassment/unease. The reason I suggest reading about them is not so you can go looking for them (see above about 'looking'), but just so you can pick up some clues about girls you might be interested in before you (i.e.) ask them on a date. Getting knocked back repeatedly purely and simply because you've not recognised that the girls you like aren't interested is the last thing you need, and gives completely the wrong impression: you end up feeling like Quasimodo when the reality is you've just been trying to ring the wrong Belles (see what I did there!?).

One other thing: Your dx probably makes certain aspects of this whole process more daunting/difficult for you. It's really important to remember that however much relationships might look like they're far more suited to those with 'NT' skills, they actually balls them up at least as often as AS/Autistic people do, and probably more often. They might be better at 'getting the girl' but all the statistics suggest they ain't no better at keeping 'em...

 

L&P

 

BD

[Hairspray Queen]

Hi Chris,

 

I'm "NT" and female, but I hope that doesn't mean that I can't offer thoughts and advice to you. I'm not much older than you (24) and can relate to how you feel. I'm quite a shy person so I used to worry about not finding anyone, etc. I would second all the advice given to you here though. I had a few very short relationships before I met my current bf, who has AS, and who I've been with for 4 years. It *does* happen when you're not looking for it, and I tend to think that when you find someone it kind of happens naturally. It is awkward and nerve-wracking, but it will just happen.

 

I think that what would help is, as has already been said, if you try to acquire hobbies and interests etc where you can meet new people. Basically, I guess you need to think of yourself as a well-rounded individual and comfortable with yourself before you let anyone else into your life. I have a female friend with AS, who is single, and, although she wouldn't mind meeting a bloke, she's quite comfortable with being single because she has "got to know herself". Join clubs and societies at uni and don't be scared to turn up to things when you don't know anyone else. There may be clubs and societies for things you haven't tried and are only vaguely interested in, well that's okay, it's good to try new things and learn about things. If you really don't like them, you can just leave!

 

I guess part of me just wants to say live life to the full, cuz, 3 years on, I'm missing uni still! I think it's true what they say they're the best days of your life, so make the most of them!

 

When I got with my bf, he started by taking me out for lunch. It *was* awkward, in fact I remember him saying, "I've kind of realised we don't really know each other that well do we?" But that was okay, because although he was bringing attention to the fact it was a little awkward, the obvious solution was there - to get to know each other better! I remember a date I went on in my first year at uni, with this guy who kept pointing out all the awkward silences. It was really off-putting, because it just made us both look like the date was failing (which, in all fairness, it was, I didn't see him again!). So it's okay if it's awkward, but think positively!

 

I agree with what someone said about watching a film or something together and then having a meal or coffee afterwards. It does give you a topic of conversation to fall back on if things get awkward. I think one of the most daunting things about first dates is being so open about yourself. The girl wants to know who exactly you are, what your ambitions are, what your views/politics are, what your interests are. Be aware that there may be differences of opinion but that's okay, you can't agree on everything. Just be positive about things and smile - smiling is warm, friendly and makes you look confident, even if inside you're not. And remember, something I think some men forget - girls get nervous on dates too! They want to impress men just as much as the guy wants to impress the girl! So don't feel that all the pressure is on you.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

X

[Kathryn]

I'm so glad I'm long past this stage and don't have to negotiate this social minefield anymore, which as BD says, most people find tricky, AS, NT or whatever.

 

I was so nervous about going on my first date (which was to see "Grease" at the cinema - thats how long ago it was ) that I begged a friend to come along too with her date. I was really shy and didn't know what we would talk about, and my friend was an extrovert. We ended up as a foursome and it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship - for my friend and my date that is: they have now been married for 22 years!

 

It sounds as though you're doing all the right things, you have friends who are girls and a good social life so I think it's just a matter of time and it may happen unexpectedly when you aren't even looking for it.

 

K x

[Sa Skimrande]

Hello all,

 

I am struggling a bit with relationships - really want a girlfriend and am quite socially confident but this is an area that Ive really struggled in, I suppose back at school learning to deal with basic social interaction took first place and now that I am wanting to settle down its proving quite difficult to realise what the best way forward is. I manage to understand that I am not 'incapable' but just need a bit of advice.

 

I am friends with many girls but many that I really would like to be with are either too much of a 'good friend', taken or even quite a bit older than me. What would be the best approach?

I also hate the pressure of being around other people in this situation, or for others arranging something for me, and envy how others my age can seemingly randomly go out on the pull.

 

Ive come to terms with many of my asperger traits, most of which I am proud of, and don't show many these days. But this problem and unecessary anxiety still remain. Usually the only times I get disheartened or depressed are related to relationships (or lack of). Its quite hard at university having this problem.

 

When I started University a girl on my course was after me and the anxieties of starting a new chapter of life took over, and I didn't take the chance. This is very regrettable, but at the time (2007) it just wasn't what I was focussing on.

 

Hope you can help,

 

Chris

 

 

I understand exactly what you say here, I was, and again am just the same. I had my first relationship with one of them at age 27, a divorcee with three teenage kids, I met her and liked her due to our combind interests, one thing led to another, and six years later we were married, but the marriage I will say happened, because it was it, or the dark road again, she wanted commitment, after first saying as a divorcee, she does not want marriage again. I honoured this statement, but soon learned she wanted the opposite when we first nearly broke up. It was my wife who first alerted me to the Aspergers thing, as she said, I was definately not right compared to all the boyfriends she has had, and men she knew. There was violence in the marriage, that and verbal abuse, but not from me, just her trying to get a reaction when I wandered off into the I don't understand what is going on mode. Because she approached the Autistic society and made contact with other wives of cases, she learned she could not live with my habits of collecting, endless list making, coldness and obsessions, she said she did'nt understand me, did'nt understand my thinking, she told me to go, but I did'nt, and it took a lot of violence for me to go. The problem you see, is I feared change greatly, I would sooner have the violence and the abuse than hit the dark road again, which was unfair of me I know, I was preventing her from living, but eventually I had a breakdown, then left. Then followed deep depression for three years and an inability to deal with anything in the outside world, I became a recluse, seeing no one, totally unable to deal with divorce proceedings, and still unable to do so, am just letting it do the five year run out thing. Relationships now, I fear them, there are a lot of women, a lot of female friends, close friends, but as soon as a step is taken a bit nearer by one of them, I back pedal massively, I don't want anything deeper than friends. I just can't deal with relationships until I get sorted out, my recent diagnosis and confirmation of aspergers syndrome has gone a long way to lifting the weight off my shoulders, I just got to learn to live again.

 

But don't let my tale worry you, if you already know you have ASD, then find someone who is sympathetic, has an ear for your honesty and is prepared to treat you as an individual, not one of the crowd. But please find someone who shares your interests whatever they may be, as even ASD people with their way of thinking can offer insights not available to the masses. Being 'different' can have it's attractions, but be above everything, honest with whom you come to know.

 

To note, I started my quest for a mate five years before I met my first girlfriend and later wife, I did this by joining clubs, courses and activities that vaguely interested me, it took a while, but patience I seem to have lots of.

 

[steve123]

I dont know whether its mainly anxiety issues with yourself, however after suffering badly from this myself I am now taking herbal tablets which are wonderful - they are called Aconite, the ones on sale in the likes of boots and holland & barrett etc are about £5 for the 30c strength, you can get 200c ones but they are on prescription and a doctor would likely wan to try you on the weaker ones first.