not sure what to do...

[matzoball]

i got diagnosed 3 months ago, i'm not as far into the spectrum as some people are, but i've had the DISCO and the Gillberg scale methods used as part of my diagnosis, and i am definitely on there.

 

tonight my best friend just accused me of lying, because all of her friends dont think i have it. she even went so far as to try and catch me out with the terminology.

 

she says it's because i announced it all of a sudden 3 months ago, and when i explained this was something i needed to get done on my own so that is why i kept it to myself until i knew for sure, she said she had talked to a 'dr laura' who was looking to study female autistics and i sounded like i definitely didn't have it having not met me.

 

i'm going to be on the plinth for an hour in london next month, and she said if i really had it i wouldn't be able to go up there - she doesn;t realise what i am going through just to work up the courage to do it - she just sees another bit of proof that i am lying.

 

she doesn't understand there are different ranges of severity, and that's why it's a spectrum - she thinks everyone is severe and that is that. then after playing all these horrible tricks and getting me upset and confused she says she just needed proof because she is sick of defending me to all of her friends.

 

now she has me doubting myself to the point i am starting to think i need to get re-tested, and that was horrible enough the first time.

 

i am genuinely at a loss what to do.

Edited August 25, 2009 by matzoball

[call me jaded]

It sounds like she's in the 'in denial' stage that we can all go through when something unexpected comes up. Don't doubt your diagnosis - they're not made lightly.

 

My instinct is to query whether this friend is really helping you but I would encourage you to work through the difficulties - make it clear that there is no doubt and tell her that to keep on saying that there is is very stressful for you.

 

Well done on the plinth. What are you going to do on there?

[mariag]

Hi Matzoball

 

This is the one of the hardest things to do, to explain how asd effects your own personal life is very difficult. I think this is mainly because people in general are very much in the dark about what it actually means to be on the spectrum. I know i was before my children were diagnosed. You could visit the Nas website and print off a few of their a-z information sheets for your friend, it will probably help her to be able to identify with some of the examples given, there is one for friends but it's school age, not sure if this is the one for you!

 

Anyway have a look and i agree with call me jaded, she is probably in denial, the initial reaction is shock and then normally it's followed by thoughts of 'i have know you for xxx amount of time and never thought that before' Give her some time to adjust and help her with the factsheets she will soon understand. Hope they work

 

Maria x

 

www.autism.org.uk/a-z

[matzoball]

It sounds like she's in the 'in denial' stage that we can all go through when something unexpected comes up. Don't doubt your diagnosis - they're not made lightly.

 

My instinct is to query whether this friend is really helping you but I would encourage you to work through the difficulties - make it clear that there is no doubt and tell her that to keep on saying that there is is very stressful for you.

 

Well done on the plinth. What are you going to do on there?

 

i think because i don't fit into her preconception of a typical person with asd, she automatically assumes i am lying or exhaggerating what is happening to me - if i was really doing that i wouldn't fake a pdd to get sympathy.

 

i've decided to stay away for a while, so that gives us both time to calm down. and hopefully she will actually speak to people other than her friends who are touting themselves as experts on aspergers and autism and perhaps get some perspective. then maybe we can sit down and actually talk about it instead of what happened last night.

 

ironically i am going up there to try and raise awareness of aspergers and autism! i'm on there on the 15th of September at 11pm if you want to watch online

[call me jaded]

ironically i am going up there to try and raise awareness of aspergers and autism! i'm on there on the 15th of September at 11pm if you want to watch online

 

Worthy of a thread in its own right Remind me nearer the time and I'll cheer you on from the comfort of my own home!

 

[matzoball]

Worthy of a thread in its own right Remind me nearer the time and I'll cheer you on from the comfort of my own home!

 

i will indeed - thanks

[bid]

Of course there's no reason why should have to explain yourself or your dx, but if you want to continue the friendship maybe you could show her your dx report? She really can't argue if she sees it written down.

 

Bid

[matzoball]

Of course there's no reason why should have to explain yourself or your dx, but if you want to continue the friendship maybe you could show her your dx report? She really can't argue if she sees it written down.

 

Bid

 

it's a good idea to show her the report to at least to prove myself - but i don't think i will be continuing the friendship at least the way it is.

 

the fact she felt she had to question me and try to trick me out has really hurt me. She's been my best friend for years, and i think that she's more angry at the fact i didn't share what i was going through, and that (as petty as this sounds) i am getting a lot of attention at the moment because of it.

 

i have been lucky enough to find a boyfriend this past year, and i've started to get my life into order(not because of the boyfriend), with money and getting a good support system in place - her life is very chaotic compared to mine and because of that we have been steadily growing apart - so every so often she tries to do things like this to get some sort of upper hand - but this time i think she has gone too far. i'm not very good at keeping friends so i value the ones i have - i just can't take having to explain myself to her when she should be supporting me.

 

 

[matzoball]

bit of an update - the person who has accused me of lying, has now told mutual aquaintances - and i am starting to get messages on facebook etc saying what a dispicable person i am. i don't know how to react.

[Tally]

I was going to say that maybe you need to accept that this friendship has run its course, but when it's your entire friendship group involved, it's really hard to just walk away. Nevertheless, I think that might be what you have to do, because they are not acting like friends.

 

I know what you mean about valuing the friends you have because it's so hard to make and keep friends. But in this case, these people seem to be doing more harm that good. I don't know whether they are worth holding on to.

 

I think the best thing to do is not react to the facebook messages. That way they will get bored and find something else to do. You can block people on facebook, but they might just contact you through other channels instead.

[matzoball]

I was going to say that maybe you need to accept that this friendship has run its course, but when it's your entire friendship group involved, it's really hard to just walk away. Nevertheless, I think that might be what you have to do, because they are not acting like friends.

 

I know what you mean about valuing the friends you have because it's so hard to make and keep friends. But in this case, these people seem to be doing more harm that good. I don't know whether they are worth holding on to.

 

I think the best thing to do is not react to the facebook messages. That way they will get bored and find something else to do. You can block people on facebook, but they might just contact you through other channels instead.

 

i think i may just have to walk away this time - if they were my friends, they would actually ask me about it instead of calling me names and believing someone who is making sweeping accusations without actually knowing what she is talking about. i guess i am so torn because it is a ten year friendship i have to walk away from - i guess i knew this but didn't want to admit it.

 

thanks for all your advice and support

 

i like bunnies...

[Tally]

It's really difficult, I know. I had to do the same thing about 10 years ago and have really struggled to make new friends since.

 

Do you have any other ways to meet new friends?

[matzoball]

It's really difficult, I know. I had to do the same thing about 10 years ago and have really struggled to make new friends since.

 

Do you have any other ways to meet new friends?

 

i will be starting a open university course in october, so i think that might be a way to meet new people - to be honest though i just can't be bothered. i do still have some close friends, so the situation isn't completely hopeless, i think this has damaged my confidence more than anything else - i even resorted to trying to convince my mum that i was telling the truth(she of course told me to stop 'being so ###### stupid' and said it wasn't ever a question of doubt for her - bless) - i've decided never to let anyone make me doubt myself like that again. I'm paranoid enough as it is!

 

i like rabbits...

[Tally]

I did an OU course recently. Unfortunately it wasn't one that allowed me to meet anyone new.

 

It's good your mum and your few friends are on your side

[Mum of 3]

Matzoball, I'm really feeling for you on this one. Your 'friend' is behaving like anything but.

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, but I think you should concentrate on yourself for a while, as you are probably stilll coming to terms with your dx. You need to make sure that you are with postive, friendly people who will give you support, not difficulties. <'>

[matzoball]

Matzoball, I'm really feeling for you on this one. Your 'friend' is behaving like anything but.

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, but I think you should concentrate on yourself for a while, as you are probably stilll coming to terms with your dx. You need to make sure that you are with postive, friendly people who will give you support, not difficulties. <'>

 

since she and her friends started making fun of me publicly, i have stayed away completely and my life is a lot less stressful! i've already taken your advice and am surrounding myself with people who are becoming an amazing support network(thanks mum adam and ryan) - i've found that while it's not been easy, i've become a lot more at ease with who i am now.

 

thanks for the hug! have a bunneh!

 

i like bunnehs

[smiley1590]

all i would say they oviously very judgemental unaware harsh unkind people to say them kind of things to you jump to conclusions they don't know how it is everyday living with it so stressful anxious enough without people so small minded idiotic taletits who oviously don't have their own lives to lead and like pointing out things in others they very sad and mislead let them be that way if they decide you!! you know that you are on the spectrum somewhere!! let them believe whatever it what happens to youi that's important!! they swallow it's disgusting and she oviously NOT the friend you thought could trust and rely on!! who spread vile rumours all over networking site about their own best friends private life none of everyones businesses!!! i'd be so outraged,upset and angry hurt if this happened to me!!! people take advantage of us and that isn't right or somehow acceptable she needs get facts truly correct before shouting her mouth off i feel sorry for you!!! you do so much better worth so much more than gossip and rubbish she probably jealous anyways!!!

 

good luck with everything don't let this set you back please!!!

take care

 

KLX

[matzoball]

all i would say they oviously very judgemental unaware harsh unkind people to say them kind of things to you jump to conclusions they don't know how it is everyday living with it so stressful anxious enough without people so small minded idiotic taletits who oviously don't have their own lives to lead and like pointing out things in others they very sad and mislead let them be that way if they decide you!! you know that you are on the spectrum somewhere!! let them believe whatever it what happens to youi that's important!! they swallow it's disgusting and she oviously NOT the friend you thought could trust and rely on!! who spread vile rumours all over networking site about their own best friends private life none of everyones businesses!!! i'd be so outraged,upset and angry hurt if this happened to me!!! people take advantage of us and that isn't right or somehow acceptable she needs get facts truly correct before shouting her mouth off i feel sorry for you!!! you do so much better worth so much more than gossip and rubbish she probably jealous anyways!!!

 

good luck with everything don't let this set you back please!!!

take care

 

KLX

 

 

thanks smiley1590 - great to know there is support out there!

[Lomata]

"Sick of having to defend you to her friends." She makes saying the right thing sound like a chore. Well she's chosen her friends alright. You're better off without her.

Edited September 12, 2009 by Tally