Meddling Mother...

[welshlass]

Having been technically alone with my son throughout his entire life (we cope far too well according to social workers back when he was 4/5 years old and they visited us twice - have never seen a soul since then! 11 years!) I am afraid I have morphed into this protective monster and am holding my son back perhaps?

 

We saw nobody and had no help throughout his rocking back and fore and making horrendous noises. Nobody through his eating problems, all they did was take him in to check there was no physical reason he was refusing to eat. It was his primary school teacher that sat with him during the lunchtime and myself at evening time asking he try only 3 fork's of food before he could have his cheese spread sarnie and yogurt. It took years and still to this day there are only 2 actual meals he will sit and eat.

Throughout all the other tough times and problems, I and my two daughters tried to get him past the obsticles and if we could not, then devised a plan to get around them.

 

The result of us all being this tight little unit here are obvious.

 

When we took him to see his college and enroll back in the summer holidays, we all took him. Myself and my daughters, 18 years old and 12 years old. When the tutor came to greet us in the waiting area, all three females got up and stood so Luke was protected (he was totally bricking it. Nervous, fiddling with his hands, tapping his foot, very, very uncomfortable). We shielded him.

That is one example of what we do to physically create a barrier between the boy and the other humans of the world.

 

The college claim I mother him too much. I know they are right but I feel so cross when I hear this as he is my son and I can't seem to let go of the fact I will fight for him till my last breath and anybody that tries to put him out there on his own will have to cut me up with a knife before I let it happen.

 

I obviously have a problem....

 

Being just us four for the last few years and as we are all so very close anyhow and as Luke has always been given special treatment by us. You know, I mean, clear instructions, lots of hugs, do you need anything Luke? Far more than the average kid gets. As the girls do this as well, they mother him as much as I do. My youngest is 12, Luke is 16, even she mothered him from when she was tiny!

Luke seems to have this appeal where all females go gaga around him and just 'do' for him. It happens with my mother, my friends, he just smiles when somebody familiar arrives at the house and that's all it takes, the female is won over and he is terribly pampered and protected. Everybody hugs him as they are walking by him, they take a moment to stop and just do it.

Luke has become a very tactile person as a result and he simply sits there and holds out a hand when one of us walks past and we always, bar nothing, take a second to take his hand, squeeze it and then carry on our way to the kitchen or wherever.

He is so aloof with people not familiar to him.

 

I have been thinking hard about stuff since he went to college and I am massively concerned now that I might be holding him back.

He can not go out without myself or one of his sisters, to the corner shop for example. He never, ever goes on public transport, the mere thought of it has him in a sweat and me having palpitations. I drive him every where he needs to go.

Every time I think we must start to make him more independent, I almost come out in a cold sweat and want to get out the cotton wool and wrap him in it, tightly.

Never mind Luke struggling to interact socially. I can not seem to let him do it.

Never mind his reluctance to get involved with anybody outside these 4 walls, I can't seem to let it happen.

This irrational need to mother him is overwhelming and instincitve and very strong.

 

I would never pamper my girl's in this way. They would have a fit if I tried! But for some reason, we all do it with Luke as if he was born to get this sort of treatment and we all spoil him totally.

 

I have to begin to let go a little but have no idea how to do so. How do you begin to let go? He has come everywhere with me up to this point. I have done everything for him. I still, in my mind think of the small child he was when he was my constant companion and with me always and on my hip as I went about holding him that extra bit tight to protect him from the big, bad world.

He is about 6 foot tall now so is no longer in my arms, on my hip, but you know, he might as well be.

 

I am seriously concerned I am holding him back. It was the main reason I sought out a forum so I could air this to see if I am normal and to see what I could do to let go a little.

 

Your views would be appreciated, but kindly you go as I am terribly easily upset and angered when it comes to critisism of Luke or my behaviour around him. As said, I am totally irrational where he is concerned.

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sally44]

I think that in the face of receiving no input or advice from anyone you have just got on with life as best you could for your son and other children.

You keep mentioning about your fear of holding him back. If you feel that he needs to have more independence, then I think you have to involve Social Services again. Anything learnt can be unlearnt. Nothing is written in stone forever.

My own sister did not leave home until she was in her forties. She learnt life skills and with carers has her own flat. We never thought that would be possible.

It is hard to step back, because by doing that you have to accept that your child/adult is going to be in a position at times when they fail or things go wrong. However that is how life is. And it is useful to learn how to cope and what to do in those situations as well.

So, I think that whenever you are faced with the 'you have mothered him too much' scenario, you can say that 'you want him to become more independent and therefore would like to know 'what' they are going to do to achieve this and 'how' he is going to be support and 'by whom'. Say that you are quite prepared to step down gradually for someone else to take over to teach him independence skills and to support him at times and in areas when he might 'always' need support.

I think the trust and relationship you have built up is very important. Your son trusts you. You can talk to him about things and explain how it is going to be.

Don't feel bad or guilty. Humans are very resiliant and have a never ending capacity to learn and change and acquire new skills. It is more important that those involved with him have a good understanding of autism and how it impacts on him specifically.

Good luck.

[Sally44]

Regarding eating problems, which maybe sensory related. You can ask for an OT assessment. I know adults with sensory issues receiving sensory diets. The waiting list is long. In some cases around 2 years. But get on the list. Infact get on the list of everything you think is relevant to your son to start the ball rolling.

As you will probably need to contact Social Services, it might be worth speaking with an organisation like the NAS first to find out how might be the best way to proceed. Ideally you need all areas affected by autism to be assessed. I think that as he is 16 he is still able to be assessed towards a Statement as a Statement of SEN continues post 16. Asking for an assessment should mean all professionals will assess him. Social services can also do assessments. But the Statement is the 'only legally binding document'. But speak with the NAS first.

[noogsy]

hi can i just say i do protect my child to and i have realised i have done this same thing with my three sons.but like you i have realised im doing it.and i have had to slap myself .its hard but not imposslibe to change your behaviour.your baby boy is very very bright and has learned to let everyone look after him.ive stopped speaking for louis.i allow him to get a row from the school.i allow him to have comunication problems with others,then we discuss what went wrong...ie what he didnt say that would have helped and it has all become a growing up process for my boys that i was blocking.i think for you the fact you have realised you need to help him change is a HUGE step forward.its all right to make mistakes,its alreight to get things wrong.we just need to learn from the mistakes that is the tricky bit.....good luck with your morph from protective mum to letting go mum.

love noogsy

[baddad]

That's the thing, you see, getting the balance right, and having the willingness to acknowledge/recognise when you don't.

I think Sally44's suggestion about contacting SS or the NAS is a good one. They'll have details about local groups/clubs he might be able to attend as well as any LA/LEA initiatives for things like travel training, risk assessment, independence skills training etc.

 

Very best with your 'new leaf' - it'll feel hard for you both, I'm sure, but the long term benefits will make it all worthwhile.

 

L&P

 

BD

[pearl]

<'>

I know exactly where you are coming from. First off, well done for raising such a lovely boy & his fantastic sisters with practically no outside help.

 

I'm a few years further down the line than you, & I too struggled with 'how much do you protect your child'? Like you, I have an NT daughter who was pretty much living independently (though at home, she was sorting out stuff like getting a Saturday job etc with no help from me) - but with JP it was, necessarily different.

 

What made the biggest difference for me was that, when he went to 6th form college, the AS support team there were SO clued up. They never made me feel overprotective, but they stressed that learning independence was just as important as his academic education. They put in place the safety net that enabled me to let go of him. I was fully informed & included throughout.

 

For instance, transport to college. My first instinct had been a taxi. Not necessarily so, the AS team said. If you like, we'll send an ESW along to accompany him until he feels confident. JP didn't actually need that - once he knew that there would be people from his old school on the college bus, he was ok about using it. And from there, it was just a small step to taking public transport on the day he finished early. The first time he did it, his ESW accompanied him to the bus stop, then rang me to make sure he'd arrived home safely. After that, he was fine.

 

Fast forward 4 years, and he is currently employed full time as a business admin apprentice at our city council. He gets the bus in or walks, goes out to lunch with his colleagues, and passed his driving test 2 years ago. He drives himself to youth group & shares the driving when we are on holiday. He's currently saving hard & wants to move out & live independently.

 

I was pretty heavily involved when he first started work in helping his supervisors to understand about AS, & made it clear I was available if they needed me. But because he's now an adult, its more difficult for people to do that as there are privacy issues. I have practically no involvement with his work, and it kills me, but I have to learn to let go & trust that if there is a problem, they will come to me.

 

So take heart - if anyone had told me a few years back that he'd have attained this level of independence, I'd never have believed them <'>

[oxgirl]

I know where you're coming from. My son is nearly 16 and is my only child. When they're younger we're so involved in everything they do and are so used to organizing and supervising and setting up everything for them, it's so hard to imagine a time when we're not being responsible for doing it all for them.

 

From what you say, it doesn't sound as if your lad is chafing at the bit and desperate to get out there in the world with you dragging him back. With my lad, he is terrified of getting out there in the world, he hasn't a clue how to go about it, it's a question of me having to push him to do things for himself and push him to learn independence. Some kids just can't be held back, they're desperate to get out there, but with some it's the opposite. Not sure if I'm making much sense, I guess I just know what you mean. It's tempting not to push them against their will to go to the shop on their own, it's hard for them and scary for us, but it has to be done.

 

Could you sit down with him and agree a plan of how you're going to work up to a goal, say going over to the shop on his own? We did it and it took ages and lots of tiny steps. My lad was terrified and I'd come out in a cold sweat, but we did achieve it in the end. He'd never even been out in the front garden on his own, so I started with him standing in the garden waving up at me at the window and we'd talk on the phone, progressed to him walking a few steps up the path, etc. etc. until he made it all the way to the shop over a period of about six weeks. It IS hard and it is tempting not to put them and us through it, but when your lad can do it on his own it will increase both your confidence in his abilities enormously.

 

I'm not convinced you need to have someone else do it, you can do it yourself, he trusts you already. Now, when we're in town, I send my lad to the library, I wait ten minutes or so and then go on to meet him there. Each time I do it I leave him at a point further up the road so that he has further to walk on his own each time, I'm working on him walking home from town on his own at the moment, we walk about halfway together and then split up and walk different ways and see who gets there first, mobile phones always at the ready. He even LIKES it now, he's not terrified anymore, he says it's nice to have a bit of freedom and some space to himself without "adults always spying on me all the time". I think you and your lad can do it, it's just taking the first step that's the hardest.

 

~ Mel ~

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I don't think you should beat yourself up. You've simply done what you thought best in order to protect your son. I think self reflection and analysis is good. You've recognised that perhaps your son does need to become more independent and by going to college that might help. It's very difficult trying to help a child/adult on the spectrum cope with new situations (school/college) because as a parent, you automatically want to protect and look after them. That's not wrong - it shows you care. I do think it's all too easy for others to be judgemental in situations in which they don't live with day in day out and say 'you're too this and that, etc'.

 

C.

[Paula]

My son will be 16 in january.

 

To cut a long story short around 2 years ago the teacher at the special school he attends kinda suggested that i didnt let him do enough stuff on his own that i was holding him back and that if i didnt let go a bit then id inadvertantly make his life worse.Basically he said my son was capable of going to college ect but if i refused to let him use public transport alone and travel alone then how would he be able to get on.

 

At first i was outraged.but then i thought long and hard and thought you know what there right i have to let go or else im going to limit what hes able to do.

 

 

Anyway the first time he went to town our local town alone on the bus i was terrified.........we agreed upon a meating place ect and a time.............i was on edge all the time untill he turned up..............he was dead pleased with himself.Since that day hes gone from strenth to strenth and last month he even went to the dentist alone on the bus.......id phoned ahead and told them i wouldnt be with him and if he didnt turn up to call me mobile asap..he managed that ok too.

 

 

 

Yes im a proctective mother and i worry myself sick when hes not with me............but you cant hold them back to basically protect yourself................thats what you need to ask is it you youre protecting or them.It does get easier.

Edited September 28, 2009 by Paula

[Mandapanda]

Hi welshlass

 

Firstly, it sounds like you have a lovely caring family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and what's more that may have enabled your son to achieve all that he has so far.

 

I have had teachers say to me "well your son is not very worldly wise, is he?". Well, thank goodness for that!!

 

Yes, as they get older we have to pull back, and yes it is very difficult. But, you cannot MAKE him more independent, you can only try to HELP him BECOME more independent. This may have to be in very gradual steps. eg. Could someone go to a small shop with him but let him do the buying of the milk or whatever, with them stood right by him but keeping quiet (this could possibly be a bigger test for the other person than your son!!!). Then, when he is used to that, the other person could stand back from the till a bit, then gradually work towards standing outside the shop while he goes in and buys something.

 

However, my eldest is 16 and has just started college. He never goes shopping on his own, he has never got a bus into town on his own. He once went to 'hang around' with friends locally but came back early because he was bored. The only thing he has really done on his own is go for walks in the nearby forest on nice days, and yes my heart was in my mouth the whole time he was gone. Now he goes to college on a public bus, on some days when he starts later the bus only goes to the bus station and he has to walk from there. He didn't want to practice so he just did it when the time came. His friend at college dragged him into town in a free period, again something he has never done. Sometimes I think he doesn't do things until he knows he can do them.

 

My youngest son has NEVER gone anywhere on his own. He is 13 and I can't see him becoming independent, even in the medium term. But you know, my children often surprise me by doing things I would never expect them to do.

 

Have you sat and had a chat with him generally, about the future, about things he needs to learn and will be expected to do? You might be surprised by his response. However, if he really is too anxious to do things on his own then you may need to enlist some help via your GP.

 

Good luck.

[welshlass]

Hi all,

Well, I looked to my laurels and I emailed social services asking for any activities in the area he can join in with.

They called me and there are more than a few it would seem and they also asked why I had not got in touch sooner?

 

If I gave the impression Luke is in a hurry to get involved, I didn't mean to. He does not want to get involved, that's the problem and the reason I perhaps blamed myself for encouraging this situation. Always protecting him, always doing everything for him.

 

All the info about social groups for him is in the post now and I will look at them when they arrive and try to work out how best to encourage him to go to one or the other. There are a couple that his younger sister can attend with him as well which might be how I actually get him to go and they are run by people that know exactly how he will react to certain situations which is brilliant news.

Actually, one of them is run by a lady that ran a club when I was in my teens, she lived over the way from my mother and she will remember me when she sees my name on a form! Poor lady....

 

I have not brought it up with him just yet and will not until I have read all the info and seen which group I think would interest him the most but I feel slightly better I have done something.

 

I have to now let him go on into these places without myself breaking out in a cold sweat and stalking the club grounds to spy through the windows!

Oh dear, oh dear, tis not an easy job this mothering is it?

 

Thank you all for your help and it is so much of a relief to know I am not a smothering freak that babies her offspring to the point of them never being able to toast bread! (He lets me toast the bread so he does not get crumbs on my floor - he says!)

x

 

 

[oxgirl]

I have to now let him go on into these places without myself breaking out in a cold sweat and stalking the club grounds to spy through the windows!

 

No, you will probably still break out into a cold sweat, but go ahead and do it anyway! I still break into a sweat, the trick is not letting on to them that we are sweating.

 

Thank you all for your help and it is so much of a relief to know I am not a smothering freak that babies her offspring to the point of them never being able to toast bread! (He lets me toast the bread so he does not get crumbs on my floor - he says!)

 

Get him to toast the bread and then hand him a dustpan to sweep up the crumbs himself.

 

~ Mel ~

[Tantaz]

Having been technically alone with my son throughout his entire life (we cope far too well according to social workers back when he was 4/5 years old and they visited us twice - have never seen a soul since then! 11 years!) I am afraid I have morphed into this protective monster and am holding my son back perhaps?

 

We saw nobody and had no help throughout his rocking back and fore and making horrendous noises. Nobody through his eating problems, all they did was take him in to check there was no physical reason he was refusing to eat. It was his primary school teacher that sat with him during the lunchtime and myself at evening time asking he try only 3 fork's of food before he could have his cheese spread sarnie and yogurt. It took years and still to this day there are only 2 actual meals he will sit and eat.

Throughout all the other tough times and problems, I and my two daughters tried to get him past the obsticles and if we could not, then devised a plan to get around them.

 

The result of us all being this tight little unit here are obvious.

 

When we took him to see his college and enroll back in the summer holidays, we all took him. Myself and my daughters, 18 years old and 12 years old. When the tutor came to greet us in the waiting area, all three females got up and stood so Luke was protected (he was totally bricking it. Nervous, fiddling with his hands, tapping his foot, very, very uncomfortable). We shielded him.

That is one example of what we do to physically create a barrier between the boy and the other humans of the world.

 

The college claim I mother him too much. I know they are right but I feel so cross when I hear this as he is my son and I can't seem to let go of the fact I will fight for him till my last breath and anybody that tries to put him out there on his own will have to cut me up with a knife before I let it happen.

 

I obviously have a problem....

 

Being just us four for the last few years and as we are all so very close anyhow and as Luke has always been given special treatment by us. You know, I mean, clear instructions, lots of hugs, do you need anything Luke? Far more than the average kid gets. As the girls do this as well, they mother him as much as I do. My youngest is 12, Luke is 16, even she mothered him from when she was tiny!

Luke seems to have this appeal where all females go gaga around him and just 'do' for him. It happens with my mother, my friends, he just smiles when somebody familiar arrives at the house and that's all it takes, the female is won over and he is terribly pampered and protected. Everybody hugs him as they are walking by him, they take a moment to stop and just do it.

Luke has become a very tactile person as a result and he simply sits there and holds out a hand when one of us walks past and we always, bar nothing, take a second to take his hand, squeeze it and then carry on our way to the kitchen or wherever.

He is so aloof with people not familiar to him.

 

I have been thinking hard about stuff since he went to college and I am massively concerned now that I might be holding him back.

He can not go out without myself or one of his sisters, to the corner shop for example. He never, ever goes on public transport, the mere thought of it has him in a sweat and me having palpitations. I drive him every where he needs to go.

Every time I think we must start to make him more independent, I almost come out in a cold sweat and want to get out the cotton wool and wrap him in it, tightly.

Never mind Luke struggling to interact socially. I can not seem to let him do it.

Never mind his reluctance to get involved with anybody outside these 4 walls, I can't seem to let it happen.

This irrational need to mother him is overwhelming and instincitve and very strong.

 

I would never pamper my girl's in this way. They would have a fit if I tried! But for some reason, we all do it with Luke as if he was born to get this sort of treatment and we all spoil him totally.

 

I have to begin to let go a little but have no idea how to do so. How do you begin to let go? He has come everywhere with me up to this point. I have done everything for him. I still, in my mind think of the small child he was when he was my constant companion and with me always and on my hip as I went about holding him that extra bit tight to protect him from the big, bad world.

He is about 6 foot tall now so is no longer in my arms, on my hip, but you know, he might as well be.

 

I am seriously concerned I am holding him back. It was the main reason I sought out a forum so I could air this to see if I am normal and to see what I could do to let go a little.

 

Your views would be appreciated, but kindly you go as I am terribly easily upset and angered when it comes to critisism of Luke or my behaviour around him. As said, I am totally irrational where he is concerned.

x

 

I'm probably very similar to you, it seems to me that when ASD children get to high school, they want to make them 'big boys' and 'independant' and I for one do not agree with this. I guess there are some times when you have to establish when they are playing on it or when they really do need a big hug but I am totally like you and always make sure my son knows I love him and I'm not afraid to hug, hold his hand etc. I don't care, I wouldn't worry about what other people say, if that's how you want to nuture him that is up to you - your his mother and your the constant in his life. If one day he doesn't want to be hugged, held etc I'm sure he will say but I would say - you go girl and do what makes you and your son happy - you know him the best! Don't let them grind you down xx

 

Tania

[oxgirl]

I'm probably very similar to you, it seems to me that when ASD children get to high school, they want to make them 'big boys' and 'independant' and I for one do not agree with this. I guess there are some times when you have to establish when they are playing on it or when they really do need a big hug but I am totally like you and always make sure my son knows I love him and I'm not afraid to hug, hold his hand etc. I don't care, I wouldn't worry about what other people say, if that's how you want to nuture him that is up to you - your his mother and your the constant in his life. If one day he doesn't want to be hugged, held etc I'm sure he will say but I would say - you go girl and do what makes you and your son happy - you know him the best! Don't let them grind you down xx

 

Tania

 

I think hugging a child and teaching them independence are two completely different things, or maybe they're just expressions of the same thing. I still hug and kiss my lad, but I also strive to teach him the things he has to learn, even though he doesn't want to learn them, because I don't want him to end up totally dependent on people and be totally incapable of looking after himself. When I'm not here he'll have to look after himself, if he hasn't the tools to do that then I'll feel I haven't done him justice, that I've failed him. Doesn't mean I don't love him, love is about giving them what they need just as much as what they want, imo.

 

~ Mel ~

[pookie170]

I have had teachers say to me "well your son is not very worldly wise, is he?". Well, thank goodness for that!!

 

I second that!! I love my boy's unaffectedness. He's nothing like a vast swathe of youngsters I know who, while lovely in and of themselves, are a bit too worldy-wise for my liking. I can see my younger, NT son, being much more likely to follow the crowd, and I don't think I'm going to prefer that in an way!!

 

 

Have you sat and had a chat with him generally, about the future, about things he needs to learn and will be expected to do? You might be surprised by his response. However, if he really is too anxious to do things on his own then you may need to enlist some help via your GP.

 

Good luck.

 

This is something that instantly struck me. I echo the viewpoint already expressed- you've done a champion job thus far and I think it's cery brave of you to be putting your anxieties to one side in order to try and help your son develop independance. It's something many of us have struggled with (I still tail my son on his 'unaccompanied' trips to the shops... ) and its sooooo hard to step back for them. We know how pants the big wide world can be and we worry....constantly, it feels like!!

But it's fab that you're looking into what's available and if he could take his sister along with him then that could be the key to getting him to give socialising a try.

Yep, you will fret and sweat and pace the floor the entire time he's away, if he gives it a go, but it will help in the long run. And, it gets easier for you as time goes on as well.

But as you said yourself, preparing him is the key. Could he go and visit the venue when its quiet, so it's not too unfamiliar when he goes to the club? Let him view brochures as much as he wants, if you have any, a bit like social stories....it might make it less daunting for him.

Thing is, and this is what propelled me with my own ASD son, at some point, he's going to HAVE to be more independent. He can't stay with me forever and I don't want my other son to have to shoulder huge responsibility at whatever age this happens at....(longevity is not a strong point in my family, heheh!) Also, I don't want him to be any more traumatised by this than he has to be....so I need to encourage him through this now, and help him make strides so I know he'll be okay. Morbid, perhaps, but I was a teenager when my own dear Mum passed and that thought returns every now n' then.....

I echo Mel's advice- get him to start being more independent at home, it will only help him in the long run. Simple chores should be manageable and you can build from there.

Hope the group goes well for him- and for you!!(Deep breaths!! ) He may surprise you.....

Best of luck,

Esther x

[Kathryn]

I think it's great that you're such a close loving family unit, welshlass. I also think your son is veryclever to have you all wrapped around his little finger!

 

Just one thought - what comes across really strongly is your fierce desire to protect him, and your fear of what might happen to him in the world outside. Could he, subconsciously, have picked up from you the feeling that the world is a big bad place? If he can, step by step, have new experiences that teach him that it can be interesting, exciting and also that nothing terrible will happen to him if he is isn't with his family, he'll grow in independence gradually.

 

It takes courage to stand back - well done for what youre doing, and good luck. It will get easier. I sympathise - when my daughter started college after a long time of dependence I'm sure I had a reputation as an "overinvolved" parent. I was furious when the staff wouldn't talk to me about her - they were treatling her as an adult who was in charge of her own life and I couldn't cope with that at all, because for so long I had been involved with every area of her life.

 

Thing is, and this is what propelled me with my own ASD son, at some point, he's going to HAVE to be more independent. He can't stay with me forever and I don't want my other son to have to shoulder huge responsibility at whatever age this happens at....(longevity is not a strong point in my family, heheh!) Also, I don't want him to be any more traumatised by this than he has to be....so I need to encourage him through this now, and help him make strides so I know he'll be okay. Morbid, perhaps, but I was a teenager when my own dear Mum passed and that thought returns every now n' then.....

 

Absolutely identify with what Pookie says here - I also lost my mum at a young age. Like it or not, one day our children will have to soldier on without us - that's the natural order of things. We owe it to them to equip them to do that to the best of their ability.

 

K x

[welshlass]

Ohhhh, no....

I have already drummed it into the girls - when I go, Luke has to go live with one of them. They both readily agreed and it's just a given he will.

I suck at this, I do really.

What the heck is the matter with me? I just have to surround him with protection, as has been said here. I do not even like his dad taking him out as his dad does make him do stuff.

An example is this, albeit a tiny example - Luke has to go out for clothes, he is growing incredibly fast and has to try everything on so there is no returning of the clothes. When I take him, (after over 2 hours last time of persuading him to come out of the house) we get the stuff and he hands me the bags - I carry them. We are out for an hour?

When his dad takes him, there is no persuading, he is told and he blinking well gets dressed and goes as well! No argument! Luke has to carry the bags and he is simply amazed he has to do that! They are out for hours. He tells me after, he had to carry the bags and go pay for the items himself - I just die a little inside at the thought of him at some till trying to pay for stuff!

I am babying him far too much, I can't even describe how I feel when I think of him doing stuff and feeling afraid.

I think I need the help, not Luke! Crikey.

 

I am making the right steps here, all be them baby steps, for me and for him. It's like a whole new other chapter really.

 

I have to let loose my grip and I will, for his sake.

x

 

[oxgirl]

I just die a little inside at the thought of him at some till trying to pay for stuff!

 

I think you have to ask yourself a serious question here. Why do you die inside when your lad does something for himself? Your lad sounds similar to mine in some ways, he is terrified of growing up and doing things for himself and he fights against it. The fear and terror he felt when he was learning to walk outside on his own was very real. Now, he walks to the shop with confidence and is happy to get a few minutes to himself. He still has a long, long way to go but I am filled with pride when he succeeds in these tiny steps.

 

I think you have to ask yourself why you aren't proud when your lad proves that he is capable of doing things for himself. Okay, paying for something at a til might be hard at first, might take a lot of instruction and explaining, etc., it did with my lad, but if he does it every time he goes shopping then it will quickly become easier and more natural for him and he'll have made a big step. Wouldn't that make you proud? Then, when he's mastered that, you can tackle something else and work towards that goal until he's comfortable with it. You will see his confidence in himself blossom and you'll trust him more. It sounds as if you are reluctant to put your lad into any kind of situation that he might find even the slightest bit difficult, but how else will he learn that he CAN do them? Why is it different for your lad than for your girls, I'm sure they've had hurdles to climb but it's only in letting them try that they succeed.

 

I think your husband has the right idea. Why shouldn't he carry his own bags, why should he expect others to do it for him? I'm sorry if I sound harsh.

 

 

~ Mel ~

[Sooze2]

I think his Dad should take him out more often, he could ask him to look in a recipe book and choose something simple for tea, write the shopping list and they could go off together and with his Dad's help your son could find the ingrediance, pay for them them help make the meal.

 

They could go to the post office together too and buy stamps or send a letter, all those little things you do with children - you know the thing - "you go and pay the lady and wait for the change" etc etc then we'll go to the bakery for some doughnuts. Then take the stamps home, write a letter or card to some randome Auntie and he has to walk to the post box to post it, when he gets back he gets to eat the doghnuts. His Dad would be great at this because he is more detatched (as a lot of men are) so less likely to give in and let him enable others to do everything for him.

 

I would make him carry his own bags too, my kids have to carry their own school bags or jumpers when we are out much to their discust but they are their bags and jumpers - I have my own to carry. He could have his own ruck sack to put things he buys in and carry that if youre worried about him losing things. You could ask him to do little things for you in the house like helping to bring the washing in or sorting socks and reward him for it - he may feel empowered by it.

 

Don't forget to do something with your girls when your son is off with his Dad so they get to be carefree kids and have fun, even if it's a fun game on the wii or board game, swimming etc.

[NobbyNobbs]

well done for taking the first steps!

 

i agree with everyone else.

 

we (AS people) are incredibly tough, and if we have to, can do a lot more than is comfortable. when every little thing is a fight you become very strong, and very good at fighting your instincts. the things sooze suggests are things i was made to do (undiagnosed, they just thought i needed to grow up and toughen up). my mother was very seriously ill when i was a child so i was passed around other family members who were less sensitive to me than my mother (and she wasn't exactly doting!) so i was made to do all sorts of things that would make most people squirm, let alone a 6 year old with AS.

 

when i went to my aunts she made me and sister/cousins pick a recipe each. she drove us to the shops and gave us money, and said she'd meet us at the door when we had got what we needed. we then each had to cook a meal during the week with the ingredients we had bought completely on our own (i was 6 so did a salad as wasn't allowed to use the cooker). we were also left to navigate gatwick airport on our own (she refused to do anything so that we would learn to be independent) when we went on holiday with her, and completely plan and execute day trips to london. it worked. we still love her very much and i was able to go and study in america for 6 months at universty on my own.

 

its never too late to start. perhaps you could get your daughters to join in the cooking rota with everyone doing a meal a week, so that its not just your son having to change as such. i think perhaps your son has got very used to being treated like a young child so it'll be a bit of a shock to change things, but its better for him in the long run. obviously dont dump him in at the deep end, but a gradual build up to basic functioning somewhere near his age will help him no end with not only his living skills but also his social skills as he will feel more on a level with his peers.