Self Harm.....what next??

[minerva]

Ok so i've written messages about Cameron's running away, about his violence, his bad attitude and the harrassment from Social Services....Now its time for Self Harm!

 

Cameron confessed to feeling very angry from Friday 19th Septemeber, its unusual for him to accept he is feeling angry so we welcomed this new acknowledgment of feelings! We managed to get through over a week with few arguements, none of which ended up violent no matter how bad they got!

 

I was really beginning to look up.....THEN!!! We had the biggest arguement yesterday where he tried to run away (by jumping out of an upstairs window) so naturally I had to stop him, then he went for me as I was stopping him and therefore "making it worse" and eventually when he realised I wasnt going to let him go in the state he was in he grabbed a pair of scissors and ripped through his arm.

 

He has hurt himself before but not as badly, usually its a scratch here and there whereas this bled which is new to us.

 

Strangely as soon as it started bleeding he started to cry and said sorry about 8 times one ofter the other. I patched up his arm and it was all over.

 

What concerns me the most is that he said afterwards "Now I know what to do to calm myself down all the time"

 

Now, I have called the school and they are going to get the counsellor to call me today, I had already spoken to her last week since he wouldnt attend school due worrying that his mood would get out of control. I dont really know what else I should do?

 

I am worried about telling social services because they wont be interested in the work we did for 9 days avoiding confrontation, all they will see is "another explosion". On the other hand, if I dont tell them then they could start trouble for that!

 

Am I supposed to take him to the GP and ask for some sort of medication? (He has never been on any)

 

Anyone got any advice?

 

Also I was wondering if there was any ASD forums for children/ teenagers so that he can perhaps learn to talk about these feelings if nowhere else at least online with others that understand. Sometimes talking online is a lot easier. The last thing I would want is for him to join this one and see seemingly negative comments written about himself. That wouldnt encourage him to want to talk

[Ocean]

There are a few thoughts I have which may or may not be helpful, so please take or leave my suggestions/thoughts as you know best:

 

One thing that struck me was your wondering whether to go to the Dr and/or let social services know. I know nothing about your relationship to these services and how they are involved or how helpful you find them. But, fact is, many young people self harm at some point and often it doesn't necessitate intervention outside of the family. Sometimes it is an isolated event, or a phase. Sometimes the harm is carefully controlled by the young person so as to avoid endangering themselves, but still to make moderate harm.

 

The violence of self harm, and the pain, can be a source of peace in emotional turmoil, much like some sort of emotional 'reset' button. It is normal, I think, for people to calm after it. Sounds like your son surprised himself and was remorseful. The problem is of course, that self injury is an unpleasant and deeply upsetting thing, especially for family. Perhaps, as shown by his apologies, he realised this.

 

So, perhaps a solution would be to agree on the disadvantages of self harm and recreate the advantages of it, but in a positive sense. Let me explain.

 

First, it might be beneficial to talk about how it made you sad when he hurt himself. One common reaction from a young person might be, 'Why should it make *you* sad? It's me who I hurt! And it's me who was angry and sad to begin with!!' But the simple point is, 'Because I care that you are OK, I am sad when something hurts you. It's upsetting for others when you hurt yourself.' I have chosen to word that sentence carefully, because if I wrote, 'It is upsetting for others to see you hurt yourself,' or, 'It is upsetting for others to see you have hurt yourself', this might suggest the young person makes their self injury private and covered up, rather than get the actual point across. It is also key to avoid sounding like he is being told off, or having the burden of other's emotional responses put upon him. But a simple, factual explaination says there is repurcussions and he is cared about.

 

However shocked your son was by the blood and pain, he did observe the fact that it calmed him. This is true. It did serve a practical (though unexpected) purpose and was of use to him in owning and controlling his own emotions. Now of course, I would not suggest self harm to be benefitial, but I would suggest agreeing with your son on this part, because he was correct, but then talk about a safer alternative. For example, talk about why hurting yourself in anger can be dangerous, perhaps even going so far as to discuss (calmly and factually) that there are veins and arteries, muscle and nerves under the skin and these can be damaged.

 

Then perhaps there are other ways that (safe) pain and aggression can exist without damage. For example, if your son maintains that pain helped him, perhaps suggest a safer alternative such as pinging an elastic band against his own skin, slapping his own thigh or arm perhaps. It has been suggested for people with anxiety disorders to use the elastic band idea, wearing it around their wrist, because the short sharp pain interupts the building anxiety by using the nerves for something else!

 

HOWEVER VERY IMPORTANT... The suggestion of safer self harm techniques should be used only when the young person is persistent that self harm is going to continue. Your son may have frightened himself with his latest injury and might not continue to harm himself at all. If so, hold back with ideas such as these so as not to encourage the behaviour and so that you have them in reserve if you need them later. Secondly, I hope I've made it clear enough that I suggest these alternatives for your son to use as he sees fit. Any siblings, peers, carers etc, must never be tempted to use that technique on his behalf, obviously. I'm sure that would go without saying, but I said it anyway.

 

Then to create the aggressive element in a safer way. Many household and garden tasks, games and sports involve constructive aggression. Stamping on cans to put in the recycling, dropping bottles into recycling banks and hearing them smash, whacking a ball in many sports, or even a garden swingball, a punchbag maybe, going for a run to a local shop (careful of roads) to buy something helpful for the household (milk, toilet rolls...) that needs to then be brought home (i.e. to encourage not going anywhere else or running away)...There are loads of ideas that might be suitable, think outside the box, be creative. As a teen myself once, I put some water balloons in the garden, with things written on them that annoyed me, then threw gravel bits at them and watched them burst. The very best solutions would likely be those your son comes up with himself, because in the choosing of his own solutions, this empowers him to own his own emotional state.

 

There may also be ways to express mood that haven't yet been mentioned. One thing that suits some young people and children is a 'mood cube'. This is a cube that the child/young person might make themselves, or not, just use a large dice or box. And they themselves choose a colour for each side, each representing a mood they sometimes have and paint or colour it. The colour/moods should be all their choice. But as an example, red might equal angry, yellow = happy etc, maybe black being a very, very bad mood. You might find of course, that the young person's favourite colour is the happy one, so grey or blue might mean happy rather than sad as you might have chosen. But this is fine, because the point is that you and they remember which means what. The young person is then free to turn the cube to display how they feel and leave it as a communication to others. (I.E. The side facing up is how they feel). The cube can be taken by the young person to a trusted adult as a way of communication, or a conversation starter, or it could just be placed on a table or outside a bedroom door, without conversation, just to let others be aware. This idea also serves to remind them that although they currently feel the feeling that is upturned, they also have other feelings at other times too, and these are the other sides of the cube.

 

One last point I'd like to make is please make sure that people do not necessarity equate self-harm with suicidal behaviour. The two are so very often not at all linked. Only occasionally would someone progress with worsening self harm into suicidal behaviour. But it would be likely that this would always have been their attitude/intention. I think from what you say, that your son hurt himself in raging emotional stress, and although we must always take these things very seriously, obviously, we also need to keep perspective. So, some services and authorities may need reminding of this on time. Just thought I'd add that.

 

So, that is what I can think of to offer. I hope your son does very well and I think you should be congratulated for your clear hard work to help him and also to empower him to help himself.

Edited September 28, 2009 by Ocean

[jb1964]

Hi Minerva,

 

Obviously each situation is different - we've had similar problems with our daughter she is struggling to cope with everything and is becoming more rigid in her thinking as she gets older. Her self harming has developed as a coping strategy - CAMHS and ourselves are currently finding it difficult to move her away from this as we've been told it can also become addictive due to using it as a coping mechanism.

 

We've also been told about the elastic band theory (although not by CAMHS) - however my daughter reaches the point of self harm within about 20 seconds from the initial upset giving very little time to use any intervention method but we're still trying.....

 

Take care,

Jb

 

 

 

[minerva]

Wow Ocean!! You had lots of very helpful things in there! I dont know where to start!

 

Just so you know Social Services are involved at present because he has been violent to me on so many occasions I asked them for assistance. They are being their usual useless selves though and taking over rather than helping out, and blaming the parent for everything that happens.

 

My concern was that they may find out through another channel and therefore think i'm hiding it therefore to blame, its ok though....I talked to his school and they spoke to Social Services and I have no idea what they said to them but a phone call followed to me from SS saying "well done" for the way I managed the incident at the weekend and that shes proud of me LOL

 

I think she may have had a good talking to! lol

 

He has also hurt himself on many occasions, this isnt a one off. He just hasnt cut as deep before, just surface scratches or banging his head against the wall. What worried me the most is that he decided it was the best way to cope with his anger.

 

 

Jb i'll try and talk to him about the elastic band theory. It sounds good if he's up for trying it!!

 

 

Thanks for all your help :-)

[Kathryn]

Hi Minerva,

 

As the parent of a child who frequently self harmed when she was having difficulties at school - and hid it for a lot of the time, you have my sympathies. It's very worrying for a parent, and difficult to know exactly what to do, but I think you did the right thing by contacting the school. I think it's important that all the agencies involved with your son know the extent of his stress.

 

Self harm is common, but it's not normal and should never be ignored. The feeling of relief that your son described seems to be common - my daughter described this also. Self harm may not be indicative of suicidal feelings but it's asking a lot of a parent to make that judgement, and accidents happen, so the involvement of qualified professional help is essential.

 

In the pinned topics above there is a link to mental health resources - you might find some of them useful. Go to Kris's post in announcements and then click on the Mental Health resources link. The Sirius Project is a site specifically about self harm issues - and there's a lot of useful information there. I see they have a discussion forum but you can't access it until you register so I don't know what it's like. You would obviously have to check it out carefully to see whether or not it's suitable for teens.

 

K x

Edited September 29, 2009 by Kathryn

[minerva]

Thanks Kathryn,

 

It is really scary, I think I prefer it when he's trying to kill me!! Which is saying something thats for sure!

 

The school seem to be very set on making something happen with SS so hopefully things will start to look up in the area of support. 1st thing they did is tell SS that although we do agree family therapy may be helpful in our relationship, our relationship deteriorated because of his behaviour and not the other way around. Therefore Cameron needs CAHMS input in his own right aswell in order for this to be combatted.

 

SS then rang me obviously not knowing me & the school had already discussed what they were going to tell her to do, and pretended it was all her idea LOL

 

Its really beyond me how these people get their jobs!!!!

[Kathryn]

Sounds promising: I hope they get their act together for you. If it's any encouragement, my daughter has not harmed for at least 3 years, to the best of my knowledge. Although she still has her stresses, which are a natural part of becoming more independent, she can usually find an appropriate way to manage these - or she knows where to go for help.

 

Stay strong - you'll get through this.

 

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K x

[minerva]

Its always encouraging to hear it happens & then stops! Its doesnt always help at the time! But its definately helpful the rest of the time lol

 

Thanks

[smiley1590]

i so can relate to this posting for so many personal reasons of background experience myself i have been through i had anger/violence issues very severe and self -harm has you researched into mood disorder such as depression ,bipolar as anger can sometimes present itself but lurking behind is depression and other MH probs and we are more prone to getting them too i been on and off self-harming since i was 14 years old i'm now 19 years old anger turns into rage that turns into frustrations and that turns into depression /bitterness,hurt confusion feeling lost out of control nothing out there for you to become or be liked for to accepted i still feel scared and afraid of having AS but then when add MH into the mix in gets even more complicated fuzzy and just a 'sticky mess' in which you don't need n feel like can't escape you get so tired and desperate lash out to whoever else closest to you with me like your son it was my mum and with anger /violence mostly my mum suffered that from me aswell looking back i can see it was me 'fighting' against who and what i was what i been i had there - AS i hated myself and my life and how depression 'took hold' and wouldn't leave me alone felt like i was suffocating/overwhelmed i didn't know what to do where to go i felt so wrong so digusted hideous

 

still do when depression comes in it's hard to put into words how it makes you think and feel i feel burden guilty like it my fault for having these things just there waiting for me to fall that's how it seems it our world i feel like a failured as 'a normal person' like i don't belong here been dropped off in 'different kind of world' where nothing 'fits' or makes sense so we can understand if you want PM me i'd be willing to give more details on my own personal story/experience i feel for both of you reading this it's like a mirror having AS can hurt so much feel like you have no control no say no nothing over your life your mind etc but then equally heartbreaking seeing someone you love and care for destrioy and wreck everything around them and you i know that with my mum!!! found hard to know what to do for the best and how to help and support me!!! she could see i didn't want to be like that hit out be angry /violent it was like a 'different' person

 

it's a 'cry for help' thing in my eyes he can't say how he feels/thinks so bottles in up until too late he explodes in rage etc

depression,anger ,violence takes over your whole life,mind set everything you become numb and blinded by the whole thing sounds wrong bad but that's way it is!!!

 

hope this helps with insight into how it is for him and maybe you too!!!

take care

XKLX

[smiley1590]

i keep a diary this helps overload off things in safer healthier way than self-harming i would keep a written daily record of mood changes /behaviours things he says or does maybe anti-depressants an option or anti psychotics but are side effects to each just let you know that!!! has he self-harmed since or before that you know of??? has he acted in suicidal way to you or made comments which are???

 

or have a box in which he puts he feelings into and you go through with him every week/month etc or have emotions cards which can help express them without actually saying anything???

[trekster]

Hello

 

Has he ever met another autistic? Wondering if your local out of schools club could be of help?

If you phone the NAS Filton office and ask for Amy shes the lovely childrens and young peoples officer.

 

According to "a complete guide to asperger syndrome" "anger might be displayed when in fact the child is depressed".

This is especially true of me and i seem to be very snappy with others at the moment. A lot has been going on in my life recently

including facing my anxiety/depression with a dummies workbook.

 

Sounds like hes lacking serotonin which is why (speaking as an ex cutter) we tend to cut ourselves. It gives us a rush of serotonin

when we are depressed and we can become addicted to this behaviour as the only way to calm down.

 

i found 5htp was the best treatment for my depression. Taurine helps with anxiety and so does gaba.