Aspergers and Gender confusion

[HairyMike]

My girlfriend has two children who both suffer from aspergers.

 

Several months ago, the older boy (almost 16) approached his mum and told her that he wanted to be a girl. He was very upset and told her that he hated his 'bits'. He also claims to have told his teacher in his special needs school (although no word came back to his mother regarding this).

 

To fill in a little bit more background to this; the boy does have a girlfriend whom he has had a relationship with for over a year. He has stated that he does have sexual desires towards his girlfriend.. Regarding his girlfriend; she also has aspergers and claims that she is bisexual (although she has never had a girlfriend). Part of me thinks that she has put him up to this, but I can't be sure. On the other hand, I have read online that there are links between aspergers and transgenderism.

 

There is nothing remotely femanine about my girlfriend's son. He has stated that come his 16th birthday he is going to the doctor to get his gender changed. His mum has told him that first he must tell his girlfriend's mother, his grandmother, his aunty and his brother. She is doing this in the hope that it will discourage him from going ahead with it. We are unsure what approach to take.

 

At the end of the day, his happiness is most important. During the summer holidays, he would spend all day in his room laying in bed.. unless his girlfriend was coming around (sometimes both of them would just lay in bed all day). He is absolutely besotted with her. He also seems to have quite a lot of self loathing and his mum has had a terrible time with him when he was growing up.. he used to bang his head off the wall a lot and say things like 'i want to die' and 'i'm soo stupid'. He also has dyslexia.

 

I would really like to hear from someone who has encountered a similar problem. His mother is really breaking her heart over this.

 

Thanks and Regards

 

ps: apologies for being all over the place there.

Edited November 30, 2009 by HairyMike

[Mumble]

Hi, welcome to the forum

 

I don't know about a link between AS transgenderism so can't help there. However, in this specific case, I'm a little confused by the aspects of the post:

 

You say:

 

At the end of the day, his happiness is most important.

 

But also that:

 

His mum has told him that first he must tell his girlfriend's mother, his grandmother, his aunty and his brother. She is doing this in the hope that it will discourage him from going ahead with it.

Surely these are contradictory, as she would not be attempting to stop him seek information/support if you were wanting him to be happy? He is clearly unsure about something and this is not going to lead to him being happy.

 

He does not need to be 16 to go to the doctor either by himself or with parental support. I would suggest you actually help him make an appointment with a doctor so he can go and talk through his concerns and perhaps be referred to someone with some expertise in this area. It may also make it easy for you all to talk about this at home.

 

[HairyMike]

Hi Mumble and thanks for your reply.

 

My girlfriend's son (I'm going to call him 'Brian' for the sake of this thread) is definately unhappy at the moment. Brian is a smart and bright kid. I imagine that he will eventually see his doctor regarding this. I feel that his mother's approach is to try and introduce a bit of reality into this where his loved ones would have a chance to talk to him about this. Before any gender reassignment could happen, I imagine the patient has to live for 2 years as female and undergo hours and hours of therapy.

 

Yes, it is true that his mother doesn't want him to go through with this.. It is also true that we want him to be happy.. These two things are not necessarily contradictory. In my girlfriend's mind, if it goes ahead - Brian will undergo years of riddicule. I think that Brian believes that this might solve his social problems by changing himself into somebody else. I don't really know.

 

This is one of the links I found regarding this:

http://www.annetteonthenet.com/asperger.html

[justine1]

Hi Mumble and thanks for your reply.

 

My girlfriend's son (I'm going to call him 'Brian' for the sake of this thread) is definately unhappy at the moment. Brian is a smart and bright kid. I imagine that he will eventually see his doctor regarding this. I feel that his mother's approach is to try and introduce a bit of reality into this where his loved ones would have a chance to talk to him about this. Before any gender reassignment could happen, I imagine the patient has to live for 2 years as female and undergo hours and hours of therapy.

 

Yes, it is true that his mother doesn't want him to go through with this.. It is also true that we want him to be happy.. These two things are not necessarily contradictory. In my girlfriend's mind, if it goes ahead - Brian will undergo years of riddicule. I think that Brian believes that this might solve his social problems by changing himself into somebody else. I don't really know.

 

This is one of the links I found regarding this:

http://www.annetteonthenet.com/asperger.html

Hi I agree with mumble,in that it is not going to help by saying he should tell his extended family,this will upset him more(my own thoughts) Surgery od this nature is not taken lightly and at the end of the day,if he goes through it he needs to know his mum will be there for him regardless of whether she approves or not,as hearbreaking as it may be.As mumble said its better to seek advice from the GP,if he is able to express his wishes to a GP clearly on his own then they will consider what steps need to be taken either counselling whatever.I watched a documentry about 8yr old boys wishing to be girls,in one instance it seemed the mum wanted this more than the child (obviousley not in your case though you mention the girlfriend may be an influence) the child was definatley put off by the fact that he would have surgery and all the injections etc. the other child seemed adamant and was able to explain in great detail why he wanted this change,you could tell it was his words and the mum and dad were against it but went with it for the love and happiness of their child.I do think he needs to be fully aware of the procedure the hormone changes,injections every little thing!!!It is my understanding people that go for this surgery have wanted to be girls since they can remember (2 or 3 yrs old) I know it may be different as he has AS but surely he would have mentioned it at some point in the past or there may have been some sign of this?Again all this is my opinion.

[HairyMike]

Hi Justine and thanks for your input.

 

This is such a difficult problem. My girlfriend is worried that Brian might actually changing gender. She is also worried how the close family circle (and the wider social circle) are going to perceive it. They might think it is her fault etc. She is trying to put her son's happiness first, but it is hard to know what to do for the best.

 

I'm just trying to support her and gather some good advice for her.

[call me jaded]

My friend's son has mentioned this lately. I've recommended that she take it to the CAMHS therapist she has access to in the first instance.

[smiley1590]

i get confused over whether im straight or beisexual feel so torn about how i feel towards people having AS fogs the issue even more to where you just don't know where to begin to find out....

[ScienceGeek]

I'll PM you I have lots of information too much to go into on the forum.

[smiley1590]

science geek did you mean PM me???

[smiley1590]

i fancy boys and girls ashamed and embarrassed 2 openly talk about it as think i fancy love my best mate she's a girl and she fancies a boy at uni so know she don't feel same way but we so close like sisters are bonds so tight where does this leave me i get so scared about what this is??? why i feel this way about her???

[ScienceGeek]

science geek did you mean PM me???

 

Sorry Smiley for the confusion I meant the original poster. Though I think I have some resources that I can pass your way too, just need to look around on my pc.

Edited November 30, 2009 by ScienceGeek

[smiley1590]

what u mean by look on your PC ???

[smiley1590]

does what i said sound bisexual??? i havn't told anyone anything afraid i lose her as a friend!

[NobbyNobbs]

firstly it is entirely possible to be both transgendered and homosexual. so a male changing to a female and being attracted to females, which would then make them a transgendered lesbian. therefore having a girlfriend doesn't say anything really.

 

it is widely recognised that people who wish to change sex often have the wrong brain for their body, so using mental state as the criteria for gender rather than physical attributes would (possibly) put him as a female. so Brian would have a male body and a female brain. it can only be established what gender your brain is post mortem though as the gender differences are observed in the very centre of the brain.

 

the first step would be to go to a GP, who would refer him to a mental health specialist with experience in transgender. theres no reason why being ASD would affect his ability to understand his gender in this extreme situation, people generally know their gender at a far deeper level than developed thought. in the same way, homosexual people generally know their orientation on some level for a considerable time before it becomes conscious thought. in my admittedly fairly limited knowledge people who have the wrong brain for their gender know very early on in life that something is wrong, even if they can't quite place it. this worsens at puberty when the brain is telling the person that -in this case- he should be developing breasts etc, when actually its obviously not happening. if you google 'dr money and john reimer' you'll find a horrific psychological experiement into gender reassignment. he thought he could reassign gender purely by raising a boy as a girl after a medical accident left the boy with no genitals. it had terrible consequences and illustrates the importance of correct gender identification.

 

at this stage, noone outside the immediate family would need to know anyway so public perception doesn't matter. and if it should continue to a point where he is actively living as a woman forcing him to hide this for the sake of uncomfortable questions would be disastrous to his mental health.

 

 

i would really advise you speak to a doctor, or contact a transgendered charity (probably will fall under LGBT as they are lumped together) who can give you some advice with how best to deal with it. it might just be a phase or some confusion, but its a very delicate balance and needs to be dealt with accordingly.

 

you could also try to address why he hates his genitals. there might be physical reasons why he wishes he had something else, or simply that puberty is tough and he feels being a girl would be easier (what girl hasn't wished they were a boy while in the midst of PMS?) as well as that they dont fit with his brain.

 

this link has a lot of information and advice on who to speak to.

Edited November 30, 2009 by NobbyNobbs

[HairyMike]

Hi guys and thanks for the replies.

 

Smiley thanks for your insight as well... and I was sorry to read about your grandmother...

 

Thanks for the PM Jack! PM'ed ya back.

[ScienceGeek]

what u mean by look on your PC ???

 

I meant I am going to look on my computer for the resources I have. I have a whole load of resources for just about anything you can think of to do with gender/sexuality

[ScienceGeek]

I forgot to add that the best people to contact as they are under 18 is mermaids which is the group that would have the most information, it's for children and teenagers and their families

[smiley1590]

fanx hairy bike is there any forums for people how bi and AS too??? or chat rooms?

[Karen A]

fanx hairy bike is there any forums for people how bi and AS too??? or chat rooms?

 

Hi Smiley.

I do not use wrong planet because Ben hangs out there and I hang round here

However wrong planet does appear to have lots of groups for different things so it may be worth looking to see if they have bi /AS group.

Karen.

 

[barefoot wend]

I remember a very interesting discussion on the radio about the enormous confusion many people (particularly young people) feel about gender. The expert talking said something I thought was very interesting and useful at the time.

 

Basically she was saying that as a society we get very hung up on giving ourselves a label like heterosexual, bi-sexual, homosexual, etc when it really isn't appropriate. The important thing is our relationships with people and that there may be times when we are attracted to different people and different sexes and that we need to focus more on what we really want from a relationship with them without stressing about what sex they are or we are.

 

Basically we need to like ourselves, work on our realtionships (what ever they may be) and forget the labels.

 

To the original poster, I would hope that a good GP would probably refer your friend's child for some form of counselling to discuss the issues involved and hopefully help them come to some kind of resolution with their feelings.

[Paula]

Hairymike..............ive private messaged you regarding this .................

[smiley1590]

found several books on amazon which may be worth a look at with information practical advice :

 

Asperger's Syndrome and sexuality : from Adolescence through to Adulthood - Tony Attwood ( famous AS professional writer and speaker)!

 

sex,sexuality and the autism spectrum - Wendy Lawson ( a Lady with AS herself professional writer)

 

confusion ,loneliness and Depression - A Journey John Alexander Brine Patricia Naomi Katherine Brine

 

The Aspergers Personal Guide: Raising Self esteem and making the most of yourself as a adult with Asperger's Syndrome - (Lucky Duck books) - Genevieve Edmonds and Dean worton

 

Aspergers Syndrome and Anxiety - A guide to successful stress management Nick Dubin

 

hope these book titles help you ......

 

XKLX