Advice re anger management

[KezT]

Well, the holidays are here and DS is screaming in his room. again.

 

Just want to check in with all you seasoned parents of teenagers if we are handling things right.

 

At home, we have a zero tolerance on physical violence. the first transgression, however minor, results in him being sent to his room for 10 mins, or until he calms down, whichever is longer.

 

As he ALWAYS beleives that the violence was not his fault, but x "made him" do it, this usually results in him screaming in rage for anything from 5 mins to several hours. In most cases he does just stay in his room and scream, so i generally feel the best thing to do is to let him. If he goes on too long, I try going in to calm him down, but mostly we leave him to do so on his own.

 

he is always told why he s being sent there, and when he can come back down. His room is not a terrible place, altough he is not allowed computer games or TV up there! When he comes back down, no further reference is made to the violence and he usually gets a cuddle.

 

But he seems to be spending more and more time being sent there atm. So any comments would be appreciated.

[Kazzen161]

I think you are right not to accept any violence, but does he also see that his sibling is told off if they have done something to annoy him?

 

At school we always say "yes, x should not have called you names, but you should not have hit him, as now you are in the wrong too. What should you have done?" (Told a teacher). We then get x to apologise to the child, and the child to apologise to x, then punish both as appropriate.

 

Also, does he have a timer so he can see when the 10 minutes is up? Otherwise he might be getting confused, as sometimes he ends up in his room for longer than other times.

 

Some people think it is not a good idea to send a child to their bedroom as a punishment. I always sent my sons to sit on the stairs as a punishment, but sent my eldest son to his room to calm down if I could see he needed it (ie: before he did anything wrong).

[justine1]

Hi,I have also started sending my six year old to his room for 6 min until he calms down.He has not been to bad so far with the run up to Christmas.He has been getting very upset as he is slightly bored and desparate to go out,but there is so much ice and its freezing,I have taken him out for 15 min a day just to get some air.I used to put him on the stairs "naughty step" from when he was 2 but he sat on the stairs all the time even when he was not being punished so there didnt seem to be any point.I think the bedroom thing is working well for now,but every child is different.My mother works with kids and she hates the idea of sending a child to their room as punnishment,but its either that or I remove a marble from his reward jar,the reward jar is meant to be positive so I dont like the idea of removing something he has worked hard to get therefore I am sticking with the bedroom idea for now.Sorry not very helpful,but I know that the next two weeks are going to be a challenge!

[JsMum]

 

 

I personally dont agree sending a child to thier BedRoom as a punishment especially as we already have sleeping issues, what we disigned is a calming space, for example J has a sensory room where he can chill out.

 

I could never get J to sit on a naughty chair as he would just pick it up and throw it, he would refuse to sit on a naughty step and so the punishments esculated, what we had to do was look at the trigger, for example with your son its interaction, it may be that he needs further help with sharing, taking turns, loosing, winning, over excitement.

 

I would look at a plan over the christmas of what else he CAN do when he is angry and frustrated.

 

Anger management techneques for example when J is stressed he has to do something physical before there is a chill out phase.

 

His siblings also need to be monitored to see if there is any behaviours contributing to your sons rage for example winding him up, calling him names, toutching him ect.....

 

What I really would recommend is a safe place for your son to go to when he is stressed this could be a tent, or a den, shed or even a space set out in the garage.

 

If sending him to his room was working then fine but its obvous he can not cope and deal with his emotions or feelings and requires some support.

 

When J has been violent it is confascation of privilidges such as PSP or computer, XBOX ect.....

 

There is some brilliant Anger Management books on Amazon uk maybe a activity booklet may help him.

 

JsMumxx

 

 

 

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

It's difficult to say whether there's a right or wrong way to deal with this kind of situation. I think it very much depends upon what works for you and upon your home. In an ideal world it would be great to have a sensory type room (with padded walls!) where kiddo can calm down, but most people don't have the luxury of space.

 

After much perseverance, I just couldn't get my son to sit on a chair or step, nor could I get him to go to his room, without trashing something. I found I had more success in confiscating things eg dsi, etc. I'd issue a warning for bad behaviour, then a second being clear that that was the last one before X would be put away for the rest of the day. Granted Rs behaviour would initially worsen, but then he'd manage to calm himself down fairly quickly after that. At the same time, I'd be careful not to get into a verbal exchange or give him direct attention ie eye contact or physical contact. I'd simply ignore him (not matter what - unless he posed a safety risk to himself). That may sound shocking, but R soon got the message that I wouldn't back down. I found that although he'd initially react to having something taken away that he likes, it would cut the meltdown short.

 

I personally feel that getting a child to sit on the naughty step or take time out can be incredibly difficult, since what's really being asked is for the child to calm down and be in control of their emotions. R is unable to do that and that's why I think taking control of the situation by confiscating items works for us on the whole - because we're actually taking control and showing that there is a consequence of behaving in a certain way.

 

When I can see R getting wound up, I try to distract him. If he's in the mood to talk them sometimes talking things through can help. I bought a book called Volcano in my tummy and found that to be quite good. It's an exercise book which R and I have sat down together and worked through when he's been calm. Obviously not the weather for it, but a trampoline and punch bag can also help to get rid of some pent up anger.

 

This time of year can explain a lot. Whilst most kids love it, the excitement and change in routine at school can really cause issues.

 

Hope things improve.

 

Caroline.

 

 

[Frizz]

I read this post hoping there would be a majic answer that I hadn't thought of-drat no!! As atoddler DD would never stay on the stairs & if you repeatedly put her back,she would think it a game & laugh in your face. We tried the minute per year of life thing,in her bedroom(she has no tv or computer up there) & when time is up,you go in & she is engrossed in a book! Now in desperation it is down to loss of screen time.First to go is the DS,this hits her hardest as she is allowed to dip into that whenever she likes,so loss of that for 24hrs hurts enough to have an impact-at the moment it does anyway! TV & computer time is rationed in our house,but if need be I remove those privaliges too.Short of that,I truly dont know what else to do! Naturally we verbally emphasise after each agressive outburst that it is unacceptable behaviour & this is why she has lost her screen time.Hopefully one day it will sink in!

[KezT]

Thanks for the replies - after a disasterous morning, the afternoon has passed peacefully:)

 

The siblings do get told off too - but they are both a lot younger and a lot smaller than him, and we are really working on the "violence is worse than anything they may have done/said" issue with him - trying to nip any violent behaviour in the bud each time it emerges. its worked well for several years, as he rarely has long outbursts of violence. But puberty is upon us now.......

 

the bedroom is not a punishment per se, but somewhere for him to go to calm down. Punishments are usually taking computer time away or sometimes time out on the stairs. But we're trying to teach him that if he can not cope with a situation emotionally, he should remove himself and calm down. Preferably BEFORE hitting anyone LOL. Its what my brother does - and although slightly annoying in some cases, it is much better than thumping people!

 

he has had moments of trashing things - but since we can't afford to replace anything that is smashed, he has learned that the best thing to punch is his pillow;)

 

It was just that he had been sent to his room for the third time this morning - I guess I just wanted some reassurance that he wasn't going to spend his whole Xmas hols there.... The girls have had a good talking to today as well, so hopefully we will stay calm for at least afew hours.....

[Kazzen161]

I would recommend the book "The Red Beast" - it is very good re: anger management - looking at triggers, looking at alternative responses, discussing how your body feels when you are angry, etc.

[trekster]

I would recommend the book "The Red Beast" - it is very good re: anger management - looking at triggers, looking at alternative responses, discussing how your body feels when you are angry, etc.

 

How about "when my autism get too big" (might be too juvenile for him) or a book for "siblings of older siblings with autism" Also "Asperger syndrome and adolescence"

 

Alexis

[sesley]

in extreme cases i do use the chill out zone of his room,no tv or computers or wii or dslite until he becomes logical and calm again and then the computer stimluants are banned for a time for him to understand he has gone over the top, often he does come down with regret and says sorry, i give him a set time in his room then i go and talk to him and get him to reason out why his behaviour is unacceptable.now he is older he is getting easier to talk to.Often though he can't remeber why he exploded and is very regretful of how he has behaved .

[trekster]

in extreme cases i do use the chill out zone of his room,no tv or computers or wii or dslite until he becomes logical and calm again and then the computer stimluants are banned for a time for him to understand he has gone over the top, often he does come down with regret and says sorry, i give him a set time in his room then i go and talk to him and get him to reason out why his behaviour is unacceptable.now he is older he is getting easier to talk to.Often though he can't remeber why he exploded and is very regretful of how he has behaved .

 

i was the same until i went gf/cf where my self awareness increased dramatically after this intervention.

 

Alexis