Let my son down and now finding it difficult to deal with

[LS2242]

After a meeting at school yesterday, I have lost all fight in me. Yes it did not go quite as planned and I always said to myself I would fight all the way to get him the supports in school that ARE imo needed. As he is passive in school and academically ok in class I feel I am fighting on my own and fighting a losing battle at that. I wont go into all the specifics again as i have already posted them on the education section.

 

But the long and short of it is, that I have let my son down by not getting him the supports and let him down cos I have no energy left to fight the system anymore. I feel so drained and flat that if I was to continue to protest for the supports, I would be so involved with that, I am scared I would get to the point where if you like live to fight for the supports rather than continue to give him all the supports that I already do. Does that make sense.

I know my support also would include fighting in his best interests, but if they don't agree maybe it is not in his best interests.

I take my hat off to all of u who have had the courage and determination to pursue and challenge the lea. I don't know how u do it.

 

Maybe I will feel different in a day or two but right now need to vent

[Mandapanda]

Hi

 

I too found it all very exhausting and emotional, not helped by the hang-ups I brought with me from my school experiences! There are plenty of people on here with the knowledge and experience to help you through this, but sometimes you'll need to take a break to recharge your batteries.

 

We shouldn't all have to fight the same fight, but all too often we do.

 

Is there a local Advocacy Service? We have one that helps people on the autistic spectrum. They should understand that a child's difficulties are not always immediately obvious, and that not all autistic children are disruptive at school but may still have specific difficulties.

 

My son was passive and we have eventually had to home ed him as he really couldn't cope with school. We never had any option of seeing the EP or anything else, and we have too many other stresses to cope with at the time so didn't notice his deterioration.

 

Thinking of you <'>

[zeldasmum]

Hi

 

My son is passive, well behaved and doing well academically in school.

I feel that because of this school are not pushing for the support he needs. Socially he is having problems, he walks around the playground on his own every break and dinner time and is very lonely.

The BEST team go into school to do group work with him and before the holidays mentioned that he would be seen by the Ed Pysch.

They came yesterday and I asked if he had been referred they told him that was down to the school.

I asked the HT and he asked did I feel that he needs to be seen. As it is part of the diagnostic process I had presumed that it would be a given.

Well apparently they are not due to meet until after xmas and he promised to bring DS up then. He also said that the Ed Pysch had been in class to assess another child but had noticed DS and some of the behaviours he was displaying.

 

As there are already a number of children in his class who are statemented and getting 1-1, I am concerned that DS will be pushed to the wayside as he is not causing disruption etc.

 

Am I right to be concerned?

 

Thnx

[Beebee]

Hi Mikeysmum.

As a mum of a 15 year old only recently diagnosed, i would say 'yes', be concerned. Fight for your son's right to have 1-1 support if he needs it.

I realised my son was developing differently to his peers at primary school but no-one ever suggested that there was cause for concern. I tentively voiced some of my worries to them but was met by ' oh he's just a little immature for his age - he'll grow out of it!'. Many years and lots of worry later, with my son also spending most of his lunch and breaktimes walking aimlessly around the playground alone or retreating to the library, i found myself trying to get his secondary school to address the problem...big mistake..!! They seemed to think that as he was performing 'towards' his target grades and was placid and quiet with no behavioural problems, that there was no cause for concern. With virtually no support from his school, i went via the GP route and it took a referal to CAMHS and one year to confirm his diagnosis of Aspergers. Even now, with an official diagnosis, his school are only just looking to help him with extra support. Who know's what the furure holds for my son now he is in year 11, having had no educational support in his formative years, but we like to think positively that J's diagnosis will help him in the future. Keep on at your son's school, insist that he is assessed by the Ed pych and that he gets the extra support and help that he may need and deserves. Every child has a right to an appropriate education (supported or otherwise)....remind them of that..!!! Good luck.

[hangingon]

After a discussion (almost row)with my Son 22 (aspergers ocd/panic attacks) He went off to have a bath (only got up at midday) I decided to make a coffee, roll a cigarette (stopped for 25 yrs, started again last 18 months)and have some time on the internet. Checked my post then saw yours.

 

I went to an ESPA seminar @ sunderland this week. The guy who leads it started off by saying, and this is not an exact quote. 'I used to be a nice guy but now I'm nasty.' 40 years of fighting for his son had changed him. Mind you still looked and sounded like everybodies favourite grandad to me.

 

If East Yorks is anything like North Yorks then I take my hat off to you. You have my complete and utter sympathy.

 

Not that my efforts have paid dividends yet but try these if you already have not, they'll exhaust even more, but I suspect come the new day you'll be up and grinding your teeth again to get at them:-

 

Find out who are the board members of your local lea. Compose a letter saying how your son's life is, how life is at home, the effect it's had on your and the health of your family, the desperation the exhaustion of it all. State you are not satisfied with the situation and want action. Send the same letter to each member asking them to confirm individually they have recvd it. No doubt you'll get a letter back from the c.exec on their behalf. Wade through the compulsory waffle and pc correctness see what the bones are. You'll not be happy with the reply (they probably will only scim through your letter) and then write back again sending a copy to each member of the board saying what you said before and stating you believe you have a right to meet with the c.exec. Don't be put off. Keep hitting the BOSS. Irritate the hell out of them.

 

Write to you MP both at House of Commons and to the constituency office. Tell him/her of your desperate plight, lay it on thick (as if you have to. They should write to the lea c.exec and you will get 1. a copy of that letter and 2 a copy of the lea's c.execs waffling reply back. Then contact your MP's office by phone and request a meeting at the next surgery.

 

Ask your GP and your Son's consultant to write to the lea c.exec to assist your case. send some shock waves through the system.

 

If you get a meeting (you will believe me if you persist enough) then send another post on here.

 

You are a 100% solid gold star. Take a leaf from Winston Churchill. Who used to say 'KBO' keep bu..ering on.

 

Many many years ago when I first got married I got depressed (nothing to do with the wife) but some tragic situations. My GP sent me to see a psycho. There I sat and laid it all out everything that had happened etc etc. After hearing it the psycho said and I do quote. 'Frankly I'm surprised your not as nutty as a fruit cake.' Didn't need another appt or start tablets. I walked out tall.

 

I am sure the above has been teaching someone to suck eggs. Go and have a good swear and shout.

 

best regards and hangon in there

[Sally44]

You have to set yourself a programme and a target.

I usually do a 'month on' and 'a month off'.

It is all absorbing, but as already said, if you keep chipping away, keep following the procedures, keep racking up the SEN process, write letters etc. It will start to become clearer. You will learn the system. People will start to ask you for advice!

And things will start to happen.

 

I've had meetings with my chief executive. Our LEA now has an OT specifically for ASD children and I like to think that my complaints were part of orchestrating the pilot scheme that the LEA have again funded this year.

 

I know that there have been heated LEA/professional meetings about my son because the Autism Outreach Teacher was at it and told me about it! Don't think you are being ignored. They are pretending to ignore you, and fob you off etc. Because that is the plan. Wear down the parents, make them feel they will never achieve anything, that nothing will change, that nothing can be done, that her child's needs are insignificant etc etc.

 

Have a rest. Plan your time - and make space for you and the family.

Then fix a target and meet it. Then have another space to rest. Then fix another target etc etc.

 

Do what you can, when you can. You are not a failure. You are doing your best within a very difficult and unfriendly system.

Edited October 10, 2010 by Sally44

[justine1]

Hi

 

I would suggest you contact parent partnership,they can often give very good advice and will post you some leaflets on the various educational stages. I ,like others on here,was sceptical as PP work for the council and thought it maybe a biased point of view.However I found they were helpful and its worth getting as much advice and support as possible.

 

It is very draining trying to make sure your sons needs are met and that he is happy in school. For all of last year I was emailing everyday,phoning at least 2-3 times a week and meeting with the HT/senco twice a week,sometimes more.My whole focus was on Sam, this made it very hard for my other three boys,on top of that as a single mum I did everything on my own with no break or support from anyone.Now everything is over it is a great relief.It was definatley worth it.