Angry and Upset

[bodie37]

My son is in a very small class is a primary school, their are only 6 children in his year. He and one other boy are the only two on the Austic Spectrum and the other parents know this. A lad who my son plays with has a birthday this weekend and you can guess, the only two not invited are my son and the other lad!!!

 

I know its the persons right to invite who they want to a party but this is so obvious that it is hurtful. In a year or two my lad will start to understand that people will treat him differently.

 

One part of me understands the why this happens but it still makes me upset and angry at the same time and it gives some indication of what lies ahead for my son.

[Kathryn]

Ouch. It's hurtful when this happens and there isn't much you can do about it.

 

My daughter was left out of a birthday party at a similar age - the only one not invited out of the entire class of 30. To make it worse, the other parent came up to me and said, "I would give her an invite but I know she doesn't like parties so I haven't" (which was true - she hated balloons and there had been an incident at another party where she had been found cowering in the toilets for the entire time). But she could have at least included my daughter in the invitation and let us decide.

 

Why don't you plan something even better for your son and the other boy to do this weekend?

 

K x

[chris54]

It hard but its something that you get use to. It is very much the exception for my son to be included on the invite list. Not realy much you can do about it.

[bodie37]

Thanks for the responses.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I've been in the same situation many times with my son. Frankly, it disgusts me that adults behave in such a way. I would think highly of someone who actually approach me and said 'kiddo is having a birthday party, do you think R would manage, and if so, could you stay with him?'. I can understand parents concerns (however, exclusion, particularly in mainstream schools, where it's supposed to be about inclusion!) and can see their other side of the coin, so to speak. Sadly, other parents often don't see our side of the coin. It's a difficult one.

 

I recall a real turning point for me when my son was 4.5 and had just started P1. His behaviour was extremely challenging and unfortunately most knew it. One morning, I put the wrong polo shirt on him (not the yellow school embroidered badge one, but one from a dept store to act as a laundry/backup). Kiddo said nothing until we were at school and the bell had rang. All kids stood in line except R who shouted that he'd wished I was dead. Of course, the other mums stood seemingly enjoying the 'entertainment' (the same ones I'd heard saying that I was a soft touch and kiddo needed a bit of discipline, etc etc). A teacher came over and said that it must be upsetting for me hearing that. In a loud voice, I responded saying that R has Aspergers and was upset about his polo shirt, but what was most upsetting and disgraceful was the gossip brigage standing watching enjoying the entertainment'. At that, they dispersed quickly. Have to say that was a real turning point - I simply stopped caring what others think and concentrated on the one that matters, and I guess that's the moral of that long-winded story.

 

In a way, it's good that you'll hopefully be in the same boat as the other kid's mum and it may be possible to strike up a friendship or understanding, eg invite them around to play/cuppa. It's still hurtful though. I guess only advice I can give is to remain dignified at all times (it's easy when you're upset to say or act in a manner in which you wouldn't normally) - in other words, show the other mums you're a decent human being. I've found and come to accept over the years that some parents have to a point becoming more understanding, however, there are some that simply don't think their little angels should be mixing with ASD kids.

 

It might be worth speaking to the school and perhaps ask them what their thoughts are on ways to increase awareness of ASDs with the aim being to take remove the unknown element. In most instances, I'd bet that some parents don't mean to be hurtful and that it's actually more about their lack of knowledge and understanding. There have been occasions whereby I've invited a parent and kid over to the house and stipulated a time limit (anymore than 1.5 hrs can be too much for R). Sadly, there's no easy solution and depends on the individuals concerned.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

Edited November 17, 2010 by cmuir

[trekster]

i was only invited to one childrens party in my time, i was undiagnosed as a kid until i was 16.

[Tes]

I work in a small primary school with some years having as few as 7 or 8 children and I have seen this happen on many occasions. I'm afraid it's part of life and whilst I have intervened in the past and the 'forgotten' invitations have arrived promptly the next day, I have come to realise that I wasn't doing anyone any favours. I can't control this part of life i.e. the hurt of something like this. Having said this, a lot of the time it would be surprising who had been 'excluded' and I found that in actual fact a lot of the kids were cousins or related in some way and the children not invited simply weren't related. I think the above advice is good, plan something exciting for your son and the other child, even if it's simply an invitation to play over.

 

I think, as parents, we sometimes feel it more keenly than our children, he'll probably have forgotten and moved on long before you do!

 

 

Tes

[bodie37]

Thanks everyone, the advice about doing something with the other child is a good one and I'll ask my wife speak to the boys mother tomorrow

[Gail66]

I can see how this would bother you Bodie, especially feeling hurt on your son's behalf.

 

As 2 out of the 6 kids are on the autistic spectrum is it worth talking to the school about arranging a meeting with the parents of the other children to explain about ASD/Aspergers and also how this affects your son and the other child? I dunno if this is possible but was just an idea

[Boy]

I have memories of this myself, but in a much larger class (there would have been around 30 kids in my class, so at least it would make some sense that a child might be 'forgotten'). Worse still, however, was that the teachers would always let things like party invitations be given out at the end of the day, so we'd all be sat on the carpet and as each child received their invitation they'd be allowed to go and line up ready for hometime. I'd be the only kid left on the carpet, stuck there until the teacher realised that I hadn't got an invitation and would have to tell me I could go line up. There were some parents who insisted that all children were invited (and that all children received xmas cards, that sort of thing). That's what my own mother would do if I'd have had a party. My mum was so thrilled the first time I got invited to a party (because the whole class did) that she was quite annoyed when I refused to attend and she still bought the girl a box of chocolates as a present (and as a thank you) and marched into the playground one lunchtime (I'd been 'home dinners' so she was bringing me back to school) and made me point out the girl so that she could hand them over herself.

 

The difficult thing is that I wouldn't have thought you'd want your child to be 'allowed' to go somewhere if he's not genuinely wanted there, but at the same time it's not nice to be left out like that, either.

 

Some of the threads on here make me so pleased about where I work. Not that the school I work at is perfect, and there has been occasions where autistic children have been bullied, but the classes that have always had an autistic child in them tend to be extremely kind. The most severely autistic boy in our school is arguably the most popular, too (despite being indifferent to the rest of the kids for the most part). I supported a little girl in her P.E. lesson today (I used to be her TA, but now work with the above mentioned boy) where all the kids cheered for their own team, but whenever she was racing they all cheered for her, regardless. Her own team all jumped up and hugged her when she finished her part of the race, but didn't congratulate each other in the same way, even though she was the slowest at racing and couldn't do all of the things she was meant to do. You can tell the difference between children in classes who have been with special needs children from a very young age as they're more accepting of all other special needs children, too (or have been in my experience, anyway). A boy who joined the school in year 2 was teased by his classmates until children from the-above-mentioned-boy's class came in and were automatically friendly towards him, because they recognised him as being 'like B' (they are both autistic but very different, so it showed just how open minded those children were). This meant that his own class started to be nicer to him, too.

[Sammysnake]

In our school we have a few kids with a range of SEN and all of the other children are generally very accepting and accommodating. Most of the parents are fine too but there are sadly some exceptions. We had a lad join who has AS and some difficult behaviours. Sadly he joined a class with one of the not so nice parents attached. She started a hate campaign to get this child thrown out of school and I heard her using disgusting language to rant about him in the street in front of her own child. School were fantastic and held an open session to talk out all the concerns and explain about ASDs etc and really calmed things down. This lad's mum wanted to have a birthday party for her boy but was scared - school encouraged her to do it and to invite all the kids, including the one with the nasty mother. The party was a great success, the mum could see this was a child and not some sort of demon after all and things really settled down. I haven't heard her causing any trouble about him since.

 

Some people are simply ignorant and won't care that missing out one or two kids in such a small group may be very distressing for the children. Sadly there's not much you can do about people like this, they're always out there. Hopefully this may instead be a case of a parent who doesn't understand ASD, didn't know what to do and was too embarrassed to ask. Some education for kids and parents might be very helpful. People fear the unknown but a little bit of education can make a massive difference. I hope it does in your boy's case.