Newbie Mum

[limpopo.mum]

Hi all,

 

Im a mother who desperately needs some sort of help on how to handle her son who shows strong features of Aspergers.

 

I know quite a bit about this disorder as I work as a secretary (since April of this year) for a Paediatric Specialist in Behavioural Issues. As a secretary I am in contact first hand with what the symptoms are and began to realise that my son had a lot of those features as a kid (he is now 27). He has a very high IQ, very direct, he has a passion for music, extremely literal (in fact everything has to have a proper name) i.e. trainers are not shoes, they are trainers, magazines are magazines and not books and various others. Our biggest arguments are when Im driving and I dont take the route he has chosen!!!! When that happens all hell breaks loose!!!!! I never thought much of this while he was only a kid but Im finding harder and harder to deal with his anger outbursts . I had a word with him about my feelings and he promised me he would go and see a Doctor. Now, after 4 weeks of our conversation his anger outbursts are more and more constant and he is in denial as he says he doesnt need to see a doctor. According to him I am the one who needs a doctor. Im 63, mild mannered, hard worker who spent most of my adult life making sure my only son had the best education. Up to the age of 19 he was the best son one could ever hope for. What happened after that? My boss who is a specialist doctor in these conditions has gone through my son's childhood history and she has no doubts he has Aspergers. what do I do?

 

Perhaps there are other mothers here in the same situation who woul like to share their views???? right now I feel that my life is not worth living.

 

limpopo.mum xx

[smiley1590]

i have A.S .....alot people who get told they have A.S you go through stages of 'grief' denial depression anger (i did) before even hit the assessment /diagnosis part just realisation and possibility 'something not right - wrong' sends your mind whizzing round trying make sense of 'everything' been said as alot to take in all at once give your son time and space he may come round yet that might just be intial reaction as massive deal going to get assessed for A.S scary frightening and so much involved emotion wise when asessed and diagnosed hard to accept 'head on' your 'different to others even though you may know it in your head saying it out loud and going for assessment means your ready maybe your son is ready in his life yet to make first step forward he may be denialing but also thinking 'everything' through in his head he may feel confused lost ..... i wouldn't push him to accept assessment / diagnosis as if and when he does finally come round to idea /situation may have put him off with this! when someone says that word 'aspergers' enough freak and shock it probably just sink in he may be denialing for lots different reasons main one is can't face right now maybe in future is it affecting his life then like it was in his childhood? do you think he benefit from diagnosis? and what do think would come out of him find out he has 'it' for him? do you think he'd understand more be happier etc? hope this made his POV bit clearer he trying push A.S away so it 'isn't him' who he really is underneath!

 

XKLX

[limpopo.mum]

Reply to Kilimanjaro.

 

Thank you for your reply. Yes I do agree that I have to give him time and from me he has all the time in his life. My boss asked me in one of her conversations with me what changes I would like to see in my son? My answer was that he was "perfect" the way he was except for his anger outbursts..... and that is probably the only thing I would like him to be able to control. My son is intelligent, honest, very direct (so you know where you stand with him), has an incredible memory and in his chosen passion (i.e. music) there is nothing he doesnt know about it. He does have friends, not lots of them but they are true friends.

 

I just feel so lost when he has his anger outbursts ....... I wish I knew what to do in those situations......

 

limpopo.mum xx

[justine1]

Hi

Welcome to the forum. I think the fact that you have worked in an environment where you have seen children with AS can blur how you see things. I would take a step back from what you know and try and see things from another perspective.

 

What do others that are close to you and him think of his behaviour?

AS is not solely about anger outbursts, in fact lots of people on here who have AS or children with AS do not have such outbursts. There are also many other conditions that cause outbursts and there may be other influences such as life changes and druge / alcohol(not that I am saying he is doing this) that can cause this.

 

You have to look at the wider picture, how he was as a child is extremely important, not just how he was at home but at school and other general things. The thing is it appears you are saying he was fine until age 19 and that it is the anger that concerns you most. So what changed when he turned 19,or there abouts?

 

If he is still living with you,could it be that he just wants his independence and needs to be on his own? Does he work? These are things any professional will ask.

 

As smiley said what benefit would it be for him to have a dx if he has one? Given he does'nt see a problem it may be worth exploring other options such as anger management or family therapy.

[limpopo.mum]

Hello Justine,

 

Tks for yr reply. Please dont get me wrong and when I say that my son is "perfect" I mean that I accept him as he is and what is perfect to me will not be perfect to others. What friends say about him well , it varies. Family members say he is quiet, unsociable and some even mentioned that he can come across as a rude person. I dont think he is rude. He is very direct though (a bit of Simon Cowel).

 

My main concern is that he is happy in the way he is and to a certain extent I feel that he is. He is happy with his work and has been very successful so far but ... this is because he is lucky to have found a job in the field of his chosen passion i.e. music! He has never done drugs, alcohol or smoked.

 

As a child I think that I supported him in his passion as I felt that if he came home with A++ across the board he deserved that I supported him in that way. Not all were roses though. Although he had good academic results I hated going to Parents evenings as teachers always complained how disruptive he was in class, but when you know nothing about Aspergers and your son comes home with A++ you just think that your son is just a naughty boy and you tell him off etc ... and life goes on. His dad used to say many times "he has a chip on his shoulder" - because he always had an answer for everything.

 

My son became a father when he was 20 years old and I do think that probably this was what made him change. Maybe the responsibility of being a father at such a young age??? He is a great father though to his little boy who is a great little kid. My son does not live with me but visits me often. He has been living on his own or rather away from me from the age of 18. He is very independent. He lives with a mate in London and they share a house. Him and the mother of his child get along well and have equal rights on the upbringing of the child. Perhaps this is why I would l ike him to seek help. Diagnosis???? I dont know but that will be only if he chooses to be diagnosed. He is a grown man and can decide on his own but for the sake of his son I think he should be diagnosed. What if his son has inherited this from him? At least he will have a chance to seek help from an early age. That is may main reason for wanting the diagnosis because otherwise as I have mentioned above I have accepted my son as he is (minus the anger outbursts). To me he is great and I do try to enter his world occasionally which makes him happy.

 

Limpopo.mum xx

[bid]

Please forgive me, but it seems as though you have already decided that your son has AS. But you can't possibly know this unless he has a formal adult assessment, which will also look at ruling out other possibilities.

 

Your son is almost 30, and you say he has a successful career and a successful parenting relationship with his ex. Maybe he feels that he is doing very well...he's certainly doing better than lots of people. Maybe he is quite happy with who he is, and sees no need to go for any assessment for anything at all?

 

You say

Up to the age of 19 he was the best son one could ever hope for. What happened after that?

but if your son was autistic you would surely have had concerns throughout his childhood. Autism isn't something that will suddenly become apparent at the age of 19.

 

If you are concerned about his anger outbursts, have you asked him about this aspect of his behaviour? As Justine said, this is not part of the diagnostic criteria for AS at all.

 

I hope you can find some answers to your son's anger outbursts.

 

Bid

Edited December 30, 2010 by bid

[Kazzen161]

That is may main reason for wanting the diagnosis because otherwise as I have mentioned above I have accepted my son as he is (minus the anger outbursts).

 

What benefit is there to your grandson to your son having a dx? If you and your son are aware that he may have AS, then you can merely bear that in mind as your grandson grows up, and get him help if he ever needs it.

 

Does your son have anger issues with other people or just you? If not, why? Does he normally drive himself (therefore being in control of the route)? If he does have AS, it may be that when he is on his own he is in control of his "routines", but when he is with you, you disrupt them. Can you talk to him (when he is calm) and ask why he gets so angry at particular things, and what you can both do to help this (eg: agree a route before setting off).

[limpopo.mum]

Dear all,

 

It seems that my concerns over my son have been misunderstood by many of you.

 

I have not diagnosed my son as having AS and when I say I accept him as he is I mean that I accept him "as he is" ... AS or no AS.

 

My son has anger probems with other people too and not just with me.

 

I have good reasons to say that he he has strong features of AS. The person I work for has met my son and advised me to have him seen as he does seem to need some sort of help,

 

From the job that I do I have come to realise that no two people with AS have exactly the same features. Some have more features than others and there are lots of positives and lots of negatives in AS. Some people have more positives and hardly any of the negative traits or vice versa.

 

I came here with the idea to try and get some help in understanding whatever it is that my son might have, AS or whatever. Many Aspies have been successful in life and why shouldnt my son be?

 

I have mentioned that he is a good father to his son but I have not mentioned what his anger does to the whole family. In order to find out one has to start from somewhere. I opted to start finding out from AS traits and was unlucky to have been misunderstood.

 

Becoming a member here was probably the wrong thing to do. I only wanted some help and didnt expect to hurt anybody and I apologise for that.

 

Limpopo.Mum

[limpopo.mum]

In reply to K2, please read my messages as I did explain that as a kid the signs were there but I did not understand them as AS was not really that well known. He was disruptive in class YES, in a big way. There were other signs which I took as him being a naughty boy. His grades were fantastic. He did not have any learning difficulties ans what mother really worries too much when her son brings excellent academic reports? The only thing that changed at 19 were his anger outbursts.

 

I hope this explains and please dont think tha I want to label my son with any condition - what mother wants that?

 

Looks like I've been misunderstood yet again and Im sorry for that.

 

Limpopo.Mum

[justine1]

Hi

 

Just to say I don't think you were mis understood and most definatley have'nt offended anyone. The advice and support may not be what you want to hear but it is from people who have experience of this.

 

According to the adults on here who have been through the diagnosis process it is very long and very difficult process.So I think it is important to explore everything before heading down that road.I also think given he is an adult it is really up to him whether or not he persues it or not, you can say what you think but if he feels ddifferenly there is not much you can do except be there for him,as you have been.

 

As for your grandson,if you are speaking to his mum, you can mention that you think your son has it and she can then figure out whether or not she thinks he may or may not have it. Given he is at school they are likely to have picked up on something if he has,so she may be able to shed some light on this.

 

Sorry again if you didnt get what you were looking for.

[Kazzen161]

The more info we have, the better we are able to advise.

 

It would seem that the anger issues are the major problem. It may be that the more you understand about AS, the better you will be able to help your son. It may well take a while for your son to come round to accepting that he might have AS, but if the strategies work, then that is the important thing, not the label.

 

What changed when he was 19? Did he leave school/move out/get a job? While at school/home, maybe he had enough of a routine to keep his stress/anxiety down.

[Kathryn]

Hi Limpopo.mum and welcome to the forum.

 

As you've acknowledged yourself your son will have to make his own decision about whether to explore the possibility of a diagnosis and getting support. He seems to be doing well and has probably learned so many coping strategies anyway that a formal diagnosis would bring few additional benefits, if any.

 

I think Kazzen has a good point: although you have limited influence over what he does, you can change your own behaviour. You can try responding to him as though he had AS and use some of the strategies: both to anticipate and avoid the triggers for his outbursts or to deal with them when they arise - no harm in seeing what works. This is how I relate to my dad who is possibly on the spectrum and it has actually improved our relationship although I would never say anything about this to him.

 

My son became a father when he was 20 years old and

I do think that probably this was what made him change. Maybe the responsibility of being a father at such a young age???

 

This could well be a factor - anyone would find this situation challenging - maybe he still does, especially if fatherhood is something he takes seriously and wants to do well. Perhaps his job is a source of stress as well - as it is for many people with and without AS.

 

Leaving AS aside - and making allowances for the fact that people often vent their frustrations on those closest to them - there's no reason you should have to continually be his verbal punchbag. Presumably he can control himself well enough in his work and everyday life or he would be fired or arrested. Why not make it clear to him that the way he expresses his frustrations is unacceptable and the next time it happens you will simply walk out the door - or stop the car, or whatever.

 

K x

Edited December 31, 2010 by Kathryn