bereavement counselling?

[smiley1590]

i seen my NAS pyschologist today she wants to me to think about or write down answers to three questions she has wrote down :

 

(Q1) why am i not ready to the bereavement counselling sessions?

(q2) what do i need to happen before i am ready for the sessions?

(Q3) how can my pyschologist help me?

 

honest truthful i'm so confused lost .... so don't know answers to any of these questions where does this leave me i can't understand explian myself how can i let someone find out what's going on theN! feel so angry at her feel so pressured forced i feel freaked out run away ....

 

my panic attacks getting worse walking to work as near to where my nan used to live i cry all way there i feel like loosing control hold on clinging by fingertips this isn't right! i'm scared afraid to face up as alot of emotions / feelings i'll be dragged into something i can't cope deal with and once start this it accepting reality and feel my heart sink drop when this mentioned i feel sick my head spins i feel like sometimes i want to refuse everyone help push them away .... i feel i'm pretend fake a liar! don't get how i feel .... or anything!

 

XKLX

[Tally]

It will hurt to talk about your feelings with a counsellor. But things could improve in the future if you talk to a counsellor.

 

Without speaking to a counsellor, you are feeling truly awful and getting worse and worse. Surely you can see you don't need to put yourself through this?

[smiley1590]

my nan suffered for 3 years now feel i NEED to SUFFER too!!! everyone keeps saying she wouldn't want that! inside i'm a mess i feel spinning out of control banging on glass no one can help me! i beyond help! i think everyone thinks it yearish on i'm 'over it' moved on... have to face it every day going to work walking i burst into tears tears streaming down my face i just want 'lash out' can't seem to let anything 'out' feel trapped in ... feel closed it yes unbearable feel i'm losing my mind! but can't speak about it too! i'm weird strange ... she deserved better as grandaughter i go through 'everything' i wish i done each morning by time i arrive at work i so tired worn out mentally/emotionally talking can't bring her back memories i feel i have 'lost' in my memory they 'gone'! why pyschologist make process sound soe 'easy'!!!ahhhh....

[Mumble]

The questions do overlap a bit, but I would read them as basically asking "what is making it hard for you to attend counselling and what can we do to help?" These aren't trick questions with set answers to catch you out - they have identified a need and want your sessions to start well.

 

I actually think you do have answers to these questions, but are caught up in a cycle of thinking about the need to give 'correct' answers (which don't exist - the correct answer is what you are feeling/thinking) and worrying about what the therapist may think of you if you do say what you really think. The only way to work through the second is to try and see how you feel, and also to put any previous bad experiences with therapists behind you as it's an area which depends so much on the interpersonal relationship between two people.

 

In terms of the questions, I think you've given many indications of your answers in your posts. Perhaps you could print some of your posts and take them? I've copied and pasted parts of your posts which seem to relate to each question. Some I have used twice. I have also tried to explain why I think these are relevant in bold after each quote:

 

(Q1) why am i not ready to the bereavement counselling sessions?

1. i can't understand explian myself how can i let someone find out what's going on theN - You have a fear of not being able to explain yourself, a fear of not being able to tell someone clearly what is going on.
    
   
2. i'm scared afraid to face up as alot of emotions / feelings i'll be dragged into something i can't cope deal with and once start this - You need to feel in control of what is / will happen but the way you currently think this will be leaves you feeling out of control.
    
   
3. i feel i'm pretend fake a liar! - You may not feel ready for counselling because you're not sure your issues deserve this support over others.

 

 

(q2) what do i need to happen before i am ready for the sessions?

1. feel so angry at her feel so pressured forced i feel freaked out run away .... - You need to feel safe and not pressurised to talk - so you need to know more about the structure of the sessions, you need to know that you can 'escape' (and also return) if things get too difficult.
    
   
2. i'm scared afraid to face up as alot of emotions / feelings i'll be dragged into something i can't cope deal with and once start this - You need to know what will happen during the sessions, what the planned length of treatment is, what will be covered and when, and what will happen at the end. Possibly it would help to know of support between sessions if you find these times difficult to cope with.
    
   
3. why psychologist make process sound soe 'easy'!!!ahhhh.... - Therapy isn't easy and you may have incorrect/unrealistic expectations - it may help them to have preliminary sessions with you where you put out in writing/tables/diagrams what will happen so you have a clearer picture of what to expect - so much of what you've said seems to be about the unknown and your brain filling that in with incorrect assumptions - so you need work to break these first.
   

 

 

(Q3) how can my psychologist help me?

1. this it accepting reality and feel my heart sink drop when this mentioned i feel sick my head spins i feel like sometimes i want to refuse everyone help push them away .... - The psychologist can help by understanding why you may at the same time as wanting help, be pushing the help away (this is very normal BTW)and help you to understand that that is a normal reaction.
    
   
2. i feel i'm pretend fake a liar! - The psychologist can help in talking through the issues so you can see that they are real. They can also help by making you feel that you are being taken seriously.
    
   
3. now feel i NEED to SUFFER too!!! - The psychologist can work with you to change your thinking here so that you can access support - but they have to know about this thinking if they are going to help you change it.
   

[smiley1590]

i went library today got two books on grief and grief counselling /therapy to give me idea ....

[Mumble]

i went library today got two books on grief and grief counselling /therapy to give me idea ....

I don't think they want an answer from a book - they want to know your difficulties and how you feel. Unless you tell them this, they can't help you or start from where you are.

[smiley1590]

thing is i don't know how deep this runs in me how far this goes and scared open up i know i seem unwilling just so scared stiff of once in open cans of worms how far they'll travel .... then i keep think am i overreacting can i do without pyschologist help? i have so many conflicting thoughts emotions having A.S and trying to grief not good combination to work out clear such mess!!! i don't feel 'safe' feel this quickly become 'dangerous' with MH probs getting worse out of control! i can't find where to begin start to HELP ME how can someone else know if I DON'T! sorry know sounds like making excuses just try to avoid as so painful sensitive i'll hit raw nerve .... don't know where this exactly leading not too good place dark alone spinning ..... i feel like i should 'get a grip' 'move on' .... but people keep saying no time limit don't push or rush yourself i ain't even processed one nan's death let alone my other nan i feel so guilty bad that i think about one more than other takes me over everyday! so many hard questions surrounding this situation i suppose try to cover up cracks and run away but know come back later on .... how do i know when it right when i'm ready if it's time break down when get to work literally fall apart i have look at my nan's house stand outside stare at it sob when walking all i think of is her non stop eating away at everything all time so drained don't know long i can carry on slipping with smiles ,laughs even at work! feel like whole world could come crashing down around me suddenly but in slow motion!

 

what if i do leave grief?

 

XKX

[Tally]

Well, you have tried not getting help and it is not really working for you.

 

Your mental health is deteriorating and will only continue to get worse if you carry on this way.

 

If you get help with this then there is a chance things can improve for you.

[bid]

Smiley,

 

You have posted many times here about these problems, but we aren't really qualified to help you.

 

Now you are being offered proper, professional help. If you want to start getting better you need to accept this help.

 

Very best,

 

Bid

Edited January 21, 2011 by bid

[smiley1590]

sorry i keep going on and on droning on and driving everyone crazy mad on here! i feel so annoyed angry at myself doing it! just feel trapped going round and round so ends up coming out same on here sorry bore you just end up carryin on with same subject but how it is in my head!!! but feel real bad get scared to say it face to face out loud make seem less 'real' when say it on here for some strage ,weird reason!!! i don't mean to repeat over and over that how i feel my life stuck in rut broken record .... feel on 'my own' in my own 'bubble' zoned out and off ... but yet still going out and about keeping busy socialising etcthen feel bad guilty eats away no one sees how drags down destroys me inside i try not affect 'outside' all hidden hurt pain etc .... i feel i never be totally free .... i ending up hating myself for going on and on! all my fault!

 

XKLX

[Kathryn]

You have posted many times here about these problems, but we aren't really qualified to help you.

 

Now you are being offered proper, professional help. If you want to start getting better you need to accept this help.

 

This is good advice. Do it.

 

K x

[tom'smom]

Hi,

 

I agree with the last two posters, you do need to do it. Be brave.

 

I had a terrible time dealing with my mum dying very suddenly, and I can sympathise in that some people do expect you to 'get over it' very quickly. Those people are IMHO emotionally retarded. Your nan, or your mum, are very important people in your life and you shouldn't be expected to 'get over it'. What you do need to do is 'Deal With It' before it defines your whole life. I didn't and it messed up my whole family for a few years, eventually my husband and I went to RELATE because our marriage was a mess and the counsellor worked out it had all gone wrong since my mum died because I felt I wasn't given support etc and because my father is emotionally cold and didn't see I needed to talk about it with him. I had a few sessions talking to a really lovely counsellor, interestingly most of the time we weren't directly talking about my mum or how I felt, sometimes it all seemed not related to her at all! But it actually really helped, by making me feel at ease he succeeded in getting some of my worries out and my guilt about the up/down relationship I had with her when I was growing up (I really was a complete cow!). He made me see that it was possible to deal with it. Now I still miss her each day and sometimes get a bit sad, but I can cope with everyday life. That's as much as can be expected. Occasionally a week goes by when I don't think about it, so I know I am slowly dealing with it.

 

Please, please go to see the counsellor, things will NOT get better on their own, you will just spiral downwards and to be honest, it's unlikely to make it worse now, is it? Take the annotated posts that Mumble provided, I really think this will help them to understand where you're at before you even have to open your mouth. In fact, why don't you send them on ahead? Don't be scared. These people know how to help you and surely it would be better to feel better?

 

Helen

[smiley1590]

thanks for everyone's replies!!! i have first session tomorrow i'm totally anxious bricking it nervous ....

[smiley1590]

i so just want turn round cancel it go to the gym 'cover' my eyes and my eyes to it all!!!

[tom'smom]

thanks for everyone's replies!!! i have first session tomorrow i'm totally anxious bricking it nervous ....

Oh well done, first hurdle over! Don't get too fretty about it just go along and see how it goes. It's worth a try. Plan a treat for afterwards so you've got something to look forward to (I find the promise of a hot chocolate and a big slice of cake makes anything better )

Good luck

Helen

[smiley1590]

got morning back out yet though!!! my treat afterwards is going back to work at got work again afterwards at 4-6 pm ....... don't know if i'm ready! is this step too far feel like cracking up just trying to make step like going crazy mad just trying pluck up courage!

[Tally]

Good luck tomorrow!!!

 

If you are worried, it's a good idea to say this at the appointment. They should be able to ease you in gently.

[smiley1590]

she looking into A.S grief/loss books which i can read help me understand she going to give me 'normal' grief/loss books but felt needed both!!! i feel it waste of time ....

 

XKX

[smiley1590]

i have decided to give myself ' a break' 'rest' from this .... don't know how long for just so emotional lately on everything ... everything seems blurred mixed into one confused lost locked trapped ... i don't know if trying 'push' grief /loss away run away defence mechanism that kicked in strongly as too scared to face up to 'reality' but then i face reaity everyday by going to area where my nan used to live as work near there but when walking to work do get tearful upset get anxious feel sick dizzy like world spinning around me or feel numb .... i reached this 'crossroads' last weds as just fell apart to pieces burst into tears i was a wreck a mess i feel like inside i 'smashed to pieces' like mirror broken and only time will tell if i 'snap' totally 'melt' hope not! trying to hold it 'in' and 'together' BE BRAVE STRONG!!! CARRY ON! with a smile like both my nans would have SO WANTED even asked me to DO! feel like get too much 'pressure' feel like mentally give up collapse ....

 

i feel like 'blockage' all time STOPPING ME from working emotions /thoughts through i try be SO upbeat positive but feel like on slippery slope and feel so ALONE like no one can hear me! words feel so 'cold' and empty i feel i have 'nothing left to give' to being pyschoanaylsed anymore i'm so tired of it feel so 'dragged down' feel like i'm a WOSS for just giving up i feel bad guilty talking about 'everything' i feel myself 'tumbling' slowly can i really stop myself from falling into looming dark black hole i look so 'HAPPY' to others all time replaying situations and experiences i had with my nans if i could have done any BETTER! maybe i havn't gave sessions an opportunity i gave it OPEN mind POV it feel angry upset hurt

 

 

is it AS confusing matters more making more tricky complex? or am i being awakard and stubborn? i want someone catch me when i fall as can 'sense' it and when i do fall normally long drop down from BIG height above ... i feel no real connection with pyschologist she just 'annoys' me ALOT!

 

i just try block all hurt pain out when on my own catches up with me my pyschologist thinks i'm 'accepting' and 'moving on' alot better than i was that i'm 'improving' she doesn't have to live with every sec min day driving me stir crazy .... feel like letting everyone down by not facing it as know it going to cause MH 'crisis' to arise .... try explain to someone how this highly emotional situation makes you feel inside your head so draining to go through don't know if i'm STRONG enough to take it!

 

it my issue no one else's just feel a burden if i text my best mate about getting paranoid i'm overwhelming her with my troubles im finding hard

 

am i being a whimp moaning on? this case of self pity? i look in mirror don't know who i am !feels like fighting battling with hurt pain and ME more than EVER!

 

SORRY TO GO ON ....

 

feel like tornado spinning out of control in my head ....

 

XKLX

[bid]

Have you actually been for any of the bereavement counselling?

 

To be honest, I don't think it's really going to help you to ask us these things again. We don't have the necessary qualifications or skills to be able to help you.

 

You have been offered proper professional advice. If you won't access this help, that is your choice, but then you have to accept responsibility for your situation.

 

Very best.

 

Bid

Edited February 26, 2011 by bid

[smiley1590]

yep i did go to all the sessions booked .... I KNOW MY FAULT for deep spiral in lock inside me! just can't seem to find energy strength to 'push' myself enough as feel so weak drained tired .... i feel like i havn't moved from day one square one and i havn't given myself that opportunity or experience too suppose when too many emotions gets in the way blocks barriers everything in it's way!

[eco88 or joe]

Hi, I have HF Apserger's. My dad died a couple years ago, and I haven't needed to properly mourn, it's been fine relative to how others (everyone) seems to deal with the loss a parent. Everyone felt I was dealing (I wasn't diagnosed with HFA or proposed as having it back then) with it abnormally wrong, and my CPN felt I needed to have bereavement counselling. I haven't suffered that much due to my Dad's death I've just got on with it.

 

No one ever gets over the death of a loved one, they can only just deal with it, and carry on with their lives. Everyone who has lost a loved one can truthfully say this and nothing to the contrary.

 

F#ck I'm getting really sad, I must go.

 

Good luck

Edited February 27, 2011 by eco88 or joe

[WillR73]

I kinda agree with eco88. For an Asperger grief is different. If someone I love dies, I raise a glass (or 6) to them that night. Then I put it away until Dec 31. That night I lock myself away and look back on my year. Then I mourn the lost. Can a human grief counsellor teach an Asperger how to mourn?

 

You'll get a lot of professionals telling you what to do next. Just do what works for you. Write letters to the loved one, stand on a bridge, and make them into little boats that float down to the sea. Stand on a cliff-edge and scream at the wind. Rescue a puppy from a shelter and give it all the love you used to give to the lost.

 

My point is, maybe the experts can help. If not, it's up to you to find something that helps you.

[eco88 or joe]

Thanks WillR73, thinking more about my loss.

 

I've barely thought about my Dad since his passing. I think I actually, predominantly think that I don't need to mourn, that's it's unhelpful, problematic, and makes one feel very bad, (as nature intends so we look after those in our family as we are social, family group and societal animals).

 

So I guess I felt/feel painful mourning to be unnecessary and that's probably the main reason I don't think about my father that much whatsoever, as that will make me said and mournful.

 

Actually I really should think about my Dad and deal with the sadness and mournfullness of doing so. I would be very abnormal if i barely ever thought about him for the next 60 years of my life. Although I've always found it hard to remember good memories and things, so perhaps thinking about my Dad will bring up sadness and little good feelings.

 

My problem with this could actually be due to the mental health illness I think I've been developing all my life, WHICH I'M MOST CERTAINLY RECOVERING FROM NOW.

 

THAT MAY SOUND INSANE. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE ANYONE PROPERLY FOLLOW MY LAST STATEMENT.

 

TRUST ME, ONE CAN ACTUALLY RECOVER PROPERLY INTO A PERFECTLY PERFORMING PERSON, FROM THE MENTAL, NEUROLOGICAL AND NEUROCHEMICAL RUT, CAGE, CAVE, CONSCIOUS COMA, ADDLED STATE, THAT IS A CLINICAL MENTAL ILLNESS.

 

I've spent over 1 year in acute mental health units these last 6 years, been on 13+ drugs (excluding PRN), had chats about my mentally suffering self to probably over 200 mental health professionals, amounting to probably 100+ hours of time, hours of psychological service provider time, 7 different psychiatrists, many proposed diagnosis etc.... Read so much that is groundbreaking.......Met hundreds of in/out-patients.

[bid]

I kinda agree with eco88. For an Asperger grief is different. If someone I love dies, I raise a glass (or 6) to them that night. Then I put it away until Dec 31. That night I lock myself away and look back on my year. Then I mourn the lost. Can a human grief counsellor teach an Asperger how to mourn?

 

You'll get a lot of professionals telling you what to do next. Just do what works for you. Write letters to the loved one, stand on a bridge, and make them into little boats that float down to the sea. Stand on a cliff-edge and scream at the wind. Rescue a puppy from a shelter and give it all the love you used to give to the lost.

 

My point is, maybe the experts can help. If not, it's up to you to find something that helps you.

 

I don't think you can say that for an Asperger grief is different! And human grief counsellor!!

 

I have a dx of AS, and I haven't mourned my father's death coming up for 6 years ago in the way you describe.

 

Please don't make sweeping statements about all people with AS...you are just one person with AS, please don't speak for all of us.

 

We are not some kind of different species you know!

 

Bid

Edited February 28, 2011 by bid

[Mumble]

We are not some kind of different species you know!

:thumbs: :notworthy:

[justine1]

I don't think you can say that for an Asperger grief is different! And human grief counsellor!!

 

I have a dx of AS, and I haven't mourned my father's death coming up for 6 years ago in the way you describe.

 

Please don't make sweeping statements about all people with AS...you are just one person with AS, please don't speak for all of us.

 

We are not some kind of different species you know!

 

Bid

Having study on grief/bereavement,I agree with Bid.It is very,very individual whether you have AS or not.The first person I ever "lost" was my grandmother when I was 11 yrs old.She was only 75 but had been sick for awhile(smoking related) so I think it was very expected.I did'nt cry at all when she died but my brother(18mths older) cried for weeks and hardly ate or slept.

He was not closer to her or anything its just different for everyone.

 

I see death as very matter of fact,it happens to us all eventually,I do get sad seeing/hearing of children dying as it does'nt seem "natural"(especially if it happens to be a parent who has taken their life which seems common nowdays)

[WillR73]

I don't think you can say that for an Asperger grief is different! And human grief counsellor!!

 

I have a dx of AS, and I haven't mourned my father's death coming up for 6 years ago in the way you describe.

 

Please don't make sweeping statements about all people with AS...you are just one person with AS, please don't speak for all of us.

 

We are not some kind of different species you know!

 

Bid

 

Sorry if I annoyed you Bid - I only speak as I think. I didn't say human grief counsellors can't help - I asked if they can. And yes - I do describe myself as a seperate species. Reason is I've spent years working very hard to teach people about someone like me. And the fastest way to get their attention is to tell them "You're human, I'm Asperger". They need to understand the distance we both have to cross.

 

As to my opinion that grief is different for Aspergers, I speak from what I've seen. People like me getting confused and stressed because they don't react the way the human world expects them to react.

 

So I accept that we both speak as we have seen, and obviously we have seen different. I can only speak from my own experience, but I have every right to do so. And smiley has every right to ignore my world-view.

[bid]

Sorry if I annoyed you Bid - I only speak as I think. I didn't say human grief counsellors can't help - I asked if they can. And yes - I do describe myself as a seperate species. Reason is I've spent years working very hard to teach people about someone like me. And the fastest way to get their attention is to tell them "You're human, I'm Asperger". They need to understand the distance we both have to cross.

 

As to my opinion that grief is different for Aspergers, I speak from what I've seen. People like me getting confused and stressed because they don't react the way the human world expects them to react.

 

So I accept that we both speak as we have seen, and obviously we have seen different. I can only speak from my own experience, but I have every right to do so. And smiley has every right to ignore my world-view.

 

And I have every right to disagree with your statements, so long as I don't break any forum rules, which I haven't.

 

I think that talking of people with AS as in some way non-human is divisive and counter-productive. It flies in the face of decades of campaigning to get people with disabilities viewed as equally valid members of the human race.

 

Bid

[baddad]

I can only speak from my own experience, but I have every right to do so.

 

Hi Will -

I think the problem here is that you speak from your own experience, but seem to identify that experience as a definition of autism - which it isn't.

You are you, and if you want to identify yourself as something 'other' that's fine - for whatever reasons you might choose to do so (including reasons you're possibly not even aware of). It's only when you make sweeping generalisations like 'grief is different for Aspergers' and then try to project your experience of grief (or any other individual, subjective experience) as the autistic 'norm' that it becomes problematic.

 

All sorts of behaviours are being labelled 'autistic behaviours' (or more often 'Aspergers behaviours') these days - it's becoming a nice, convenient umbrella term for just about any sort of deviance from an increasingly narrowing norm, often with very little actual reference to the definitions of Asperger's provided by Asperger himself or the DSM criteria that should be used as a point of reference. It is often 'diagnosed' very casually, and often with all sorts of co-morbids which, in the past, would have been seen as incompatible because of crossover traits and the heirarchy of diagnosis. Think of it this way, if someone has pleurisy and is choking on a bread roll, which 'condition' is making him cough?

 

People do experience grief in different ways. There are all sorts of reasons for that, both internal and external, and that applies across the board.

 

You say you only speak as you think, so I'm sure you'll appreciate me doing the same. Please STOP:

 

working very hard to teach people about someone like me

by telling them:

"You're human, I'm Asperger".

because you are misleading them (and possibly yourself) and misrepresenting autistic people (i.e. my son) generally. Work hard to teach people who you are instead, and accept the fact that you are no more an accurate medical model of autism or Aspergers than the thousands of other stereotypes they get offered.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Oh PS: coming back to the OP...

 

Stop trying to look for 'autistic' reasons for the questions you've raised, and just look for personal reasons. As with the reply above, the answer probably lies within your personal psychology rather than your diagnosis.

Edited March 1, 2011 by baddad

[Tally]

Do you even know the definition of a species? People with autism are far from being a separate species!

 

I think there can be issues for people with Asperger's making grief different and perhaps harder. We commonly have difficulty recognising and verbalising our emotions, so that's going to make things more complicated. But people grieve in such a variety of ways anyway, so I don't think any autistic differences would be a problem for an NT counsellor to help with.

 

Smiley, if you have broken down and cried in counselling, that actually sounds like a completely normal part of grief. It's horrible and scary, but it's something you have to go through in order to get through it. It actually sounds like a sign of progress, but it's not a very good place to stop at.

[WillR73]

I stated my opinion - obviously a lot of people don't agree with it. But I don't think this is the right place for this discussion. Smiley is quite capable of ignoring me, and you all have the right to recommend that course of action. Having nothing else to add to the original subject, I'm going to go away. Then the rest of you can concentrate on giving her the advice and support she(?) asked for.

 

Wish you the best Smiley.