'Gurgle' torture

[Lyndalou]

This, I know sounds slightly curious and even funny (it is sometimes!)but I have a serious question...

 

Does anyone else have the problem that their baby's gurgling drives them BaNaNaS..ie. when you hear it you start getting apprehensive and if it continues or escalates to whinging then crying you escalate on up to bad temper or blowout if you can't get away?? I know this is partly because I am anticipating the whinging and crying and the lack of sleeping or whatever but the actual noise (perhaps it's the pitch - certainly the two-tone whinge is!) is what seems to set my teeth on edge. What tactics have you found to work to keep calm? These noises are meant to be ones people 'OOh and AAh' to (maybe not the crying?!) but I have found myself shutting myself in the utility room where the noise of the washing machine drowns it out or I escape to the garden. I put earplugs in this morning which dulled it a little. Give me a pneumatic drill outside my window any day!

[Mandapanda]

Hi

 

Babies are designed to make you react, and their noises are designed to make you do whatever they need/want in order to make them stop. Have the radio or TV on so it is not the only sound. Try looking into babies eyes and seeing how innocent and open they are - they are not evil and are not trying to send you mad!!

 

Do you get any break from baby? Can someone watch baby while you have a slow relaxing bath, or go for a walk, or even do the washing up. Just anything to have a mental break from the responsibility.

[baddad]

Hi lindalou - just looked back through some of your older posts to confirm, and you have two children, yes?

 

Did the gurgling of your first child effect you in the same way, or is this a new experience only with your second child? If you have experienced this before, what did your dr etc advise/say then? If this is new, it's something you should probably raise with your health visitor/doctor because it doesn't sound 'right' especially if you get angry and have 'blowouts'... Women can have all sorts of post natal hormonal/chemical imbalances (I'm not suggesting 'Post natal depression' but that certainly is an example of how body/brain chemistry can impact on mum's with new babies), so they won't be 'judging' you, but if you are actually running away, ignoring and/or blocking out your child's sounds of distress or becoming angry/unstable from them it's not something you can just avoid seeking help with.

 

L&P

 

BD

[philipo]

With my baby ,many years ago I used to have ears like Lassie,always listening when she was asleep,it was the anticipation of the crying/noise that kept me on edge and intruded into my brain,not the actual crying/noises.Try interacting with facial expressions and silly noises.My kids forst words were mama and nana(banana) and kur(the cat)try getting the babsy to imitate silly noises and experiment to see waht music baby prefers..Obviously its stressfull with babies and the reality is that until they start talking and walking babies are very unrewarding.Women are expected to deny any negative feelings about babies,where men can say 'kids!puhh' and thats ok .I've done the teething,the lack of sleep ect with em and i used to just hold her and rock her when she was crying and say to myself 'keep going one day she'll be grown up and I get my time back'.I did'nt realise that the time would fly by.

if it gets too much get out of the house.despite many current attitudes of selfish singles who deny bioligy and choose 'career' amny people find it a beautifull thing and have great respect for childrearing because they've been there,

[Lyndalou]

I went nutty with my first child - the professionals have it all on record and to be honest it was much worse than this time round. I took steps to ensure that I would not have the same level of difficulty by seeing a therapist and because recently things have been OTT stressful, I'm on medication and have seen a psychiatrist who has determined I'm not clinically depressed.

 

I love both my kids very much and part of the reason I posted this is because I want to be the best mum I can be. I need certain things though through the day (and night) to keep the stress under control and that includes the baby going down for naps etc. I know it doesn't always work that way (teething, illness, blah blah)so perhaps it isn't the noise as such, maybe it IS the knowledge that I can't get XYZ done or that I simply don't know what to do (I know it was that feeling of being totally out of control that did it for me last time). I don't disappear for long periods, it's a count to 10 or 50 thing but there are times when everything gets very intense and I get very upset.

 

This makes me sound like a c**p mum and I hope I'm not.

[baddad]

I went nutty with my first child - the professionals have it all on record and to be honest it was much worse than this time round. I took steps to ensure that I would not have the same level of difficulty by seeing a therapist and because recently things have been OTT stressful, I'm on medication and have seen a psychiatrist who has determined I'm not clinically depressed.

 

I love both my kids very much and part of the reason I posted this is because I want to be the best mum I can be. I need certain things though through the day (and night) to keep the stress under control and that includes the baby going down for naps etc. I know it doesn't always work that way (teething, illness, blah blah)so perhaps it isn't the noise as such, maybe it IS the knowledge that I can't get XYZ done or that I simply don't know what to do (I know it was that feeling of being totally out of control that did it for me last time). I don't disappear for long periods, it's a count to 10 or 50 thing but there are times when everything gets very intense and I get very upset.

 

This makes me sound like a c**p mum and I hope I'm not.

 

 

Sounds as though you've got the right networks in place etc and know what you're doing regarding all those hormones and things and you know when to ask for the help you need

No, not a 'cr*p mum' at all - sometimes it can be more complicated than anticipated in the first few months and the most important thing is acknowledging that rather than trying to 'struggle on' regardless.

 

Philipo, I don't know if you go out of your way to be contentious or whether it just comes naturally to you, but people chosing a different lifestyle to the one you would choose aren't necessarily being 'selfish', or 'denying biology', and it doesn't mean that they see the lives of others who do want/have children as an 'ugly' thing or have no respect for people who have children...

 

For some parents it's perhaps easier to forget that not all people have the same maternal/paternal instincts, but I suspect some autistic people posting here may well feel, quite legitimately and without 'negative' or disrespectful intentions, that parenting is not for them. Further, they could find huge pleasure and be hugely influential as favourite aunts or uncles, providing major positives in the lives of the people for whom they fulfil those roles.

 

Lyndalou - sorry for taking your post slightly off topic there, and I hope you'll appreciate that nothing I've said in either this or my previous post was meant as a 'negative' about your own situation. I hope also that the 'slight diversion' will be accepted at face value rather than evolving into something else, but either way i felt it was something that needed to be said.

 

L&P

 

BD

[philtfa]

Philipo, I don't know if you go out of your way to be contentious or whether it just comes naturally to you

 

Perhaps he's got that thing...what's it called? Aspergers?

[Mumble]

Perhaps he's got that thing...what's it called? Aspergers?

Yes, because all people on the spectrum are rude, contentious, cantankerous individuals. We can't help it.

 

Further, they could find huge pleasure and be hugely influential as favourite aunts or uncles, providing major positives in the lives of the people for whom they fulfil those roles.

I'm looking forward to being an awesome aunt. And handing the kiddies back once I've filled them full of sugar and wound them up nicely. :lol:

[AdamJ]

I don't know what it was about Philipo's post that anyone found contentious (or rude or cantankerous). S/he mentioned selfish singles and denial of biology in relation to 'many current attitudes.' I don't think anyone could deny that many people have that attitude. It didn't imply that Philipo has that attitude.

 

Obviously, the subtle nuances of language are lost on me so I might be missing something.

[philtfa]

Yes, because all people on the spectrum are rude, contentious, cantankerous individuals. We can't help it.

 

Excuse me? Who is rude, contentious, cantankerous?

[baddad]

I don't know what it was about Philipo's post that anyone found contentious (or rude or cantankerous). S/he mentioned selfish singles and denial of biology in relation to 'many current attitudes.' I don't think anyone could deny that many people have that attitude. It didn't imply that Philipo has that attitude.

 

Obviously, the subtle nuances of language are lost on me so I might be missing something.

 

I really popped back to add that i realised my initial post might have seemed to imply that ONLY autistic people might feel 'quite legitimately and without 'negative' or disrespectful intentions, that parenting is not for them', when of course that applies to many non autistic people too. But i'll answer this, briefly too...

The reason, Adam, I found it contentious was because a sweeping generalisation was being made. The reason i asked if it was deliberate was because such sweeping generalisations seem a regular feature of Philipo's posts (in fact, I noticed another one talking about 'normals', not being able to handle 'negative expressions,as there not that in touch what makes them tick as ones who are biologically hyperalert...' almost immediately after posting my last post). The sweeping generalisation in this post was the reference to 'selfish singles denying biology' because it assumes a universal psychology, and quite obviously for some that doesn't apply, and negatively labels those who don't comply with Philipo's idea of what that universal psychology should be. Additionally, the post also implies that people who have not had children or who choose not to have children are not, by definition, people who see/can see parenting as a 'beautiful thing' or have respect for people who do...

There's also a further offensive sweeping generalisation based on value judgements about gender; that it's 'okay' for men to say 'Kids - Puh' while women are expected to deny any negative feelings, which is actually a complete contradiction of what follows because philipo then goes on to negatively judge anyone, male or female, whose 'negative feelings' lead them to conclude that parenting is not for them...

 

I really don't want to get into another round robin (and potentially closed thread) with what tends to be a very small group of like-minded people refusing to see what is very very clear, or where the assumption of autism as a 'top trump'/get out of jail free card' is used to justify something unreasonable. It is not inherently 'selfish' to choose not to have children - indeed, in the current global climate a very strong argument could be offered for the latter (but I would disagree with that too). Neither does it follow that choosing not to have children implies a psychology that's incapable of understanding the 'beauty' of parenting or a disrespectful attitude to those who choose to parent. It is also not a 'denial of biology' not to do something that one feels psychologically (or biologically?) disinclined to do. In essence people who choose not to have children should not be demonised for making that choice.

 

I'll leave mumble to pick up on the inherent contradiction in philta's posts, or she may well prove to be a 'better man than I Gungadin' and take a step back so the thread can remain on topic. But please, wouldn't it be easier all round to just accept that the value judgements made in philpo's post were inappropriate and offensive, purely and simply because they were.

 

L&P

 

BD

[darkshine]

Lyndalou, this must seem like a total nightmare for you, I cannot fully imagine it, but for what its worth I don't think your a cr4p mum, cuz you are trying to deal with your issue, you pre-planned things in order to cope with this new baby, you are being open and honest instead of hiding your feelings, and hopefully as a result of all this you will be able to find ways of coping with your little ones gurgles and noises.

 

I respect your honesty as it must have been hard to do in case people would judge you or whatever. If only everyone who is struggling could be like you and be honest and say they need a bit of help/advice.

 

As for coping the only thing I can say it what I've been told by parents who feel high levels if anxiety/anger/stress cuz of their children and that is that they stepped out of the room, took a moment, calmed down and breathed. One of them used to have a pillow she'd hit to get rid of stress, another used to play calming music (not too loudly) and another used to find ways of trying to cope by making play with the baby as a game.

 

If the noise is really that bad could you wear earplugs? They don't fully stop the noise but they do reduce it by half (cotton wool works too if you can touch it) and maybe this would diffuse your anxiety enough to be happy around baby's noises.

 

Sorry to go on, and as a non-parent I am always cautious of replying to posts like these, but this is what I think/know/have come across so if any of it helps....

 

Best

 

Darkshine

[Lyndalou]

Thanks Darkshine. That's really nice of you. The thing is that the noises aren't loud most of the time, they just seem to affect me (especially when I'm on my own) like nails down a blackboard or the equivalent. The time out thing probably is the best way to deal with things and I think that thumping a pillow is probably quite cathartic too! I think in general I can get frustrated quite easily but some days I am patience personified and think I can take on the world. It would be nice to know in advance which days my patience will dry up but life isn't like that!

 

I have found that is very difficult to discuss these types of difficulties openly. Although I'm pretty sure I don't have PND, even that is talked about in hushed tones or nobody mentions it.

 

I feel very lucky to have children and want to do my best by them. There probably are 'selfish' people out there who don't want kids but in my experience it's more people who CAN'T have kids or choose not to because it would be more selfish for them to have a child due to circumstances. It's very easy in my opinion to have kids that are not really wanted in the first place and who turn out to be abused or neglected. I am aware of families where virtually every child is taken into care due to that fact.

 

Earplugs I think are a brilliant invention. I would have no intention of just sitting there, ignoring cries etc - it really just would be to take the 'edge' off the (like I say, not necessarily loud) noise. I really don't know why it bothers me so much but it probably just reflects my overall mental health meantime unfortunately.

 

It's nice being an auntie too...I was an auntie for many years before I was a mum - enjoy!! I would never feed my kids processed food or sugar tho

[darkshine]

Thanks Darkshine. That's really nice of you. The thing is that the noises aren't loud most of the time, they just seem to affect me (especially when I'm on my own) like nails down a blackboard or the equivalent. The time out thing probably is the best way to deal with things and I think that thumping a pillow is probably quite cathartic too! I think in general I can get frustrated quite easily but some days I am patience personified and think I can take on the world. It would be nice to know in advance which days my patience will dry up but life isn't like that!

Your welcome

Maybe your just really in tune with your baby which may explain why you are so aware of every noise? I hope you manage to find a way of coping

 

I have found that is very difficult to discuss these types of difficulties openly. Although I'm pretty sure I don't have PND, even that is talked about in hushed tones or nobody mentions it.

Yeah, I've noticed this too, I've had one or two people (mother's with young babies) crying and stuff to me because they feel like they are being "a bad mum" for not constantly feeling how a "mum should feel". And I always think this judgement (that is real for a lot of people) does not help them at all. It seems to me that there will be times when it is really hard and if a mum (or dad for that matter) can't reach out and discuss their feelings then how can they feel better about things and feel as though they are coping. (coping seems to be a big thing/worry)

PND is pretty serious, but if you have had the input you outlined earlier and it wasn't an issue there then your gut feeling is probably right

 

 

Earplugs I think are a brilliant invention. I would have no intention of just sitting there, ignoring cries etc - it really just would be to take the 'edge' off the (like I say, not necessarily loud) noise. I really don't know why it bothers me so much but it probably just reflects my overall mental health meantime unfortunately.

I'm glad you pointed that out (about ignoring children) as I most definitely wasn't suggesting that but yeah, earplugs can have their uses and if it helps reduce the feeling you feel, then it might be worth a go (assuming you can stand things in your ears!!).

 

But overall, the impression that comes across to me is that you have a heightened sense of feeling (the feelings a lot of parents feel to their babies noises) and that your experiencing this in a higher level (hence the nails on a blackboard). The noises are designed to make you react - and you are - its just heightened I think, so any way of reducing that, or letting out the stress it causes would be a good direction to begin with.

 

Regards

 

Darkshine

 

Ps - I briefly met someone who was a little "out there" in their beliefs (you know, dancing naked in the sea in the moonlight kinda thing) anyway she used to highly recommend silent screaming - where you stand in a privite-ish place and go through the actions of screaming without the noise, you clench your fists like a toddler and let the breath out without a sound (I did try this and it does work to a degree - but you look a total weirdo if anyone sees)

[philipo]

Your a good mum Lnydalou,and whats more you've the guts and courage to bare your heart about what does your head in with your baby.Many women feel they have to suffer in silence and give out this persona of 'perfect mum',when theres no such thing,except in the projections of men and the male world.

When i was a single dad with a baby,I felt even more of a freak ,but i quickly realised were all kids really ,if we are honest with ourselves.The back ground daily grind of kids,especially babies can get to us all but i found in myself little coping mechanisims.No ones perfect and I learnt that perfect parents are dodgy and I was suspicious of parents I met who always glossed over the fustrations when i asked them how did they cope when it all got too much.i've got more respect for women than men(generally Baddadda) after doing babies, and \\i'm a bit of a fem.

if your anxious then evry little noise is worse.Being hyperd up its really hard to realax,try and treat yourself and pamper yourself,its easy to forget your needs when your stressed.I remember the teething and when she had measles.I'd get steadily run down ,day after day and just when I was about to drop completly she'd get better.Although a lot of it was sheer poverty and domestic drudgery I look back now after all these years and would'nt change a thing .

Keep on going,an old saying...what does'nt kill you makes you stronger.

Baddad stick to the OP,its a waste of electric otherwise

philipo......says(leaving himself open to pshycic assault)

ONLY REAL MEN CAN DO 'WOMENS WORK'.

[baddad]

Baddad stick to the OP,its a waste of electric otherwise

philipo......says(leaving himself open to pshycic assault)

ONLY REAL MEN CAN DO 'WOMENS WORK'.

 

Oh Puleeeeze!

Edited July 17, 2011 by baddad

[bid]

I'm only popping in, and saw your post Lyndalou.

 

You must speak to your Health Visitor honestly about this as soon as possible. I know it's very difficult, but you must tell her about these negative feelings; she won't be judgemental.

 

From my own experience, you will find that she will be very, very supportive and that actual support will be put in place very quickly.

 

You may or may not be suffering from PND, but your Health Visitor can also help with other post-birth difficulties. I had an anxiety disorder after my last baby due to a very difficult labour and delivery, and when I finally told my HV (having lied on the post-birth questionnaire they give new mums) she swung into action immediately and I was was given a very good support package.

 

Please see your HV in this coming week.

 

Bid

Edited July 18, 2011 by bid

[Lyndalou]

I'm only popping in, and saw your post Lyndalou.

 

You must speak to your Health Visitor honestly about this as soon as possible. I know it's very difficult, but you must tell her about these negative feelings; she won't be judgemental.

 

From my own experience, you will find that she will be very, very supportive and that actual support will be put in place very quickly.

 

You may or may not be suffering from PND, but your Health Visitor can also help with other post-birth difficulties. I had an anxiety disorder after my last baby due to a very difficult labour and delivery, and when I finally told my HV (having lied on the post-birth questionnaire they give new mums) she swung into action immediately and I was was given a very good support package.

 

Please see your HV in this coming week.

 

Bid

 

Thanks for your concern Bid. I've probably had a generalised mood disorder (undiagnosed) for a very long time. I have a followup with the community mental health team shortly, referred to via the psychiatrist I saw recently. I'm very used to being this way, it's just that with kids I've had to find new ways of coping that I didn't require when I was on my own and I'm not quite there yet.

 

To clarify, not every noise that my wee girl makes affects me negatively, just certain ones. She makes some lovely noises and has a wonderful giggle...

 

I was so upset after my first birth as it was very traumatic and took me a long time to come to terms with so I can empathise with you!

 

My brain hs decided to take a holiday today with regards to pasting and replying to other quotes so I hope you don't mind if I discontinue attempts to do it. I've already tried and lost the last reply I wrote so knowing how this bothers me lol...

 

xx

Edited July 18, 2011 by Lyndalou