Another Newby

[Number8]

My 1st post.

I am the father of a 21 year lad with Asperger's syndrome. I found this site in desperation because at the moment he is going through what I would call his stroppy teenager phase. He is having major mood swings, stropping off when me and his mum try to give him parental advise, spends all his home time on his own in his bedroom playing on the XBox. He is mixing with "friends" below his age group 16/17. He will not answer his mobile when we try to find out if he is OK or when he is coming home.

 

It is doing my head in and making me unwell. I keep thinking he is on drugs because he is acting strange, but I do think he is more sensible than that. He cannot get a job which is frustrating him beyond belief and he is becoming very lethargic, couldn't care less if he does or he doesn't now. We can't get out of him what his real vocation in life is so helping him, and guiding him in the right direction is difficult.

 

I guess you can feel from my few words above that I would like to know if anybody can suggest ways to help. I am sure I me and his mother are not in a unique situation, and neither is my son unique in his difficulties.

 

I look forward to hearing from you and welcome your suggestions on coping strategies.

[philipo]

Since its summertime take him backpacking with a tent if possible.Obviously there's lots of 'rites of passage' for the younger ones.You already understand that he atad slower in development so nows the time to get him into a subject he likes,be it mountain biking ,engineering ,tech probably?If he has a visual bent then positivly distract him with one of his interests and use the 'obbsessive' side of him for his own benefit ,i.e. he may be soon saying to his mates..'sorry ,i'm messing about with cameras next week' then his younger mates may think he's a bit uncool so be a little less social.Try to encourage computers rather than consoles.You did say 'but I do think he's more sensible than that' ...Its hard to be objective about our own kids but remember one common assumption thatcause many asd'rs go undiagnosed because people talk to them and think they are 'intelligent' above average clever' and forget they usually completly miss the simple things,I can't do time/rotas/days of the week and despite telling freinds/doctoers/ex(now dumped by me)they can't conceive that such 'intelligent,clever' people could have them simple problems and function.Socially/emotionally/educationally there's a clear tendency to hide what not understood.Eg.when ex says 'we'll go to IKEA in Ashton next sunday' I'd say 'yes,fine'.Not admitting to her (after getting sick of years of repeating myself!)that I have no idea of where sunday is in relation to now ,but knowing I'd hear her talk about it on the relevant day.i.e. pretending to understand things when I dont because its easier.

[baddad]

Hi Number 8 -

 

It's a difficult thing to balance when they get to that sort of age, because of course at 21 he is a free agent, so technically if he chooses to spend his life in his bedroom etc that's up to him.

 

In practical terms, though, it aint that simple, and the reality is that if he is living under your roof, then you have every right to expect certain 'rules and regs' to be met. I wouldn't bother trying to find out too much what his 'vocation in life' is - that's probably something even he hasn't worked out yet - but while he's making his mind up it's perfectly reasonable for you to expect him to contribute something, even if it's only input to very basic things like household chores and self management over things like his washing and stuff. Is he attempting to find work? What expectations do you put on him in that respect, and if 'none' why?

 

Of course, if he wants to be a free agent that is, at 21 (unless there's some sort of court ruling that judges him incapabable of self determination), his prerogative, but chances are what he actually wants is to have his cake and eat it. If you want him to 'see' beyond that and to learn to share that cake around a bit you have to draw the line in the sand and enforce it. In a nutshell, you're not just his parent anymore but his 'landlord' too, and you need to sort out the whys and wherefores of his 'tenancy agreement'.

 

Hope that helps

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

Hi Number 8,

 

Briefly, as I have too much going on at home at the mo...

 

I have a son who has just turned 22. He moved out a year ago, and successfully lives independently, working full-time for a supermarket.

 

My advice would be:

 

1. Whether he is on benefits or working, he must pay you housekeeping.

 

2. If he is having problems finding work, he still has to make some contribution to the household: doing own washing, making own lunch, maybe cooking the evening meal once a week, etc. These are all valuable life-skills. Obviously he may need help at first, but the expectation must be there that he will do it.

 

3. Job-hunting. Hard, but you need to keep the impetus going. Don't let him fall into the idea that some jobs are 'beneath him'. Have you looked at supermarkets? I know some of them do operate schemes for employing people with special needs. Have a look at starting off part-time, too.

 

I know it's hard. We were lucky in that my son found work on his own. Everthing else I've suggested was expected of him though, and he did it all while working too, bar cooking for us all once a week! I guess my main piece of advice would be that you need to have the non-negotiable expectation that he can and will do things.

 

Bid

Edited July 27, 2011 by bid

[JsMum]

Hi, I agree that maybe going away for a couple of days, maybe camping or even youth hostels which can be fun getting away from the usual mondane stuff and a descrete excuse to get your son away from the xbox.

 

What about getting your son involved in some volunteering, this would help fill the void and gap of the daily day routine.

 

There are supported living scemes for Adults with Aspergers Syndrome that have a full indepenant living skills package with support as and when however as always this is a postcode lottery and only in certain areas.

 

What are his interests and hobbies?

 

Could he get involved with youth work if he is more comfortable with younger people.

 

As for yourselves, do you get any support yourself, a break, time out for yourselves?

 

JsMumxx

[Number8]

Thanks to you all for your advise, it's good to know we are not alone in the world.

Just a little more on my son.

Volenteering - he has in the past , staff support in one of the best Special Needs Scshools in the coountry. He stopped this because they were only using his IT skills on simple projects rather than supporting the children generally. He felt it difficult to tell the senior staff what his objectives were, what he wanted to achieve from this service he was providing or how he felt he could best support the school with his skills set. He wouldn't let us phone and tell them either so he stopped. He supports some local charity sporting events which is great either by stewrding or partaking. Then again, some companies see volenteers as "slave labour" and is the reason for encouraging volenteers so we make sure he is not " taken for a ride" in this respect.

Socialising - We encourage him to go to his friends so he gets away from his TV/computer and games stations but like many youngsters I see he never has his phone out of eyesight or his hand and continually lets his batter run down to nothing so we cannot contact him. I'm going to buy him a mobile wind up charger for those times I think. He does not tell us much about most of his friends, contact numbers or addresses so me and his mum get stressed and worried when he is out because we do not have a port of call if we need to contact him urgently. He loves most sports and is lucky to live local to his favourite football and his favourite cricket clubs.. However, I am unsure about him mixing with football growds, probably because I am love Rugby union and there is a different mind set with rugby fans. I know, they can be just as rowdy in a very childish way. I have bought us both season tickets for the best RUFC in the country so that will help us bond.

ASD support - he now goes to ASPIRE which is great becuase it is very difficult to get a place with this organisation,this is helping with his job searching and social interaction. He does support in the house fiancially, but sorry to say this, me and his mum do tend to spoil him, just like we did his sister. His sister is a clinical psychologist so does give us some guidence and some strategies but she is too close so does not want to get too envolved.

We do encourage him to help in the house, washing up, clean the car, tidy his room. At times this also gets very stressful because he gets very stroppy. At the moment it easier to let him off and don't upset all the household rather than keep on at him. I know, this is the tail wagging the dog.

Last week was a horror week but this week is going great - we had a talk and we decided we will do something together at least once a week, play golf, go to Rugby, football (if I have to, lol)etc. following the advise I had from my new aquaintances.

 

Sorry - for going on but this is the 1st time I feel I can offlaod to peoplek in the same boat, especially those of youo who can empathise with my son becuase they are in his position. It make me feel better and this can only benefit my siuation in providiing the best home environemtn for my son which can only result in his happiness. It becuase I love him very much and do not want to lose him as a son and/or a friend.

 

THANKS FOR "LISTENING"

[darkshine]

Hello, I'm 30 and diagnosed a few months ago, I just wanted to say that I agree with the advice said here, and you sound like a really good dad - there's a but

 

but, I think that part of the problem here may possibly be your expectations which sound confusing to me - on one hand you want him to be more of an adult and grow up, but on the other hand you let him act like a stroppy teen. I wonder if he finds that confusing too? I think that some things can be set as house rules (limited time on xbox - it is very engaging to a lot of people) but that doesn't have to be enforced like when he was little, more like a family house rule agreement with an explanation of why that should happen.

 

And I'm not sure what you mean about contacting him when he's out (as in frequency of calls/texts) but again there could be arranged agreements of him telling you where he is going and when he'll be back. I know at that age I wouldn't have told my parents anything so it might help to keep the details to when and where rather than specifics. But as a member of a household it is responsible to let people know what time you'll be home.

 

One good thing about hanging out with younger people is that to them you are great, your older, you know more and the things that older young adults do changes dramatically over them few years, so where he might feel bottom of his age group in certain ways, he might feel the top of youger ones (if that makes sense).

 

Sorry to go on, but its just what I thought...

[Number8]

Hello, I'm 30 and diagnosed a few months ago, I just wanted to say that I agree with the advice said here, and you sound like a really good dad - there's a but

 

but, I think that part of the problem here may possibly be your expectations which sound confusing to me - on one hand you want him to be more of an adult and grow up, but on the other hand you let him act like a stroppy teen. I wonder if he finds that confusing too? I think that some things can be set as house rules (limited time on xbox - it is very engaging to a lot of people) but that doesn't have to be enforced like when he was little, more like a family house rule agreement with an explanation of why that should happen.

 

And I'm not sure what you mean about contacting him when he's out (as in frequency of calls/texts) but again there could be arranged agreements of him telling you where he is going and when he'll be back. I know at that age I wouldn't have told my parents anything so it might help to keep the details to when and where rather than specifics. But as a member of a household it is responsible to let people know what time you'll be home.

 

One good thing about hanging out with younger people is that to them you are great, your older, you know more and the things that older young adults do changes dramatically over them few years, so where he might feel bottom of his age group in certain ways, he might feel the top of youger ones (if that makes sense).

 

Sorry to go on, but its just what I thought...

[Number8]

Thanks Ben N

 

Sound advise by everyone, and yes I am as confused as anybody else, looking for inspiration I guess.

 

when trying to set home rules we get the "Ohhhh hear we go again" then the strop off. He is getting over a fall out with a girl at the moment so we are treading softly softly, and we are all going on vacation for a week so it gets him away from that environment. I am hoping this will be a time for bonding and talking without any outside influence. As you all know communication is not his strong point, a grunt here and there is the summation of his replies to us many times over. We are having the threats too now about leaving home. Last week was a good example when he lost his phone and we couldn't contact him. I went on the search to find the needle in a hay stack and did, knowing the area where he said he was going. I actually found the needle and he said he didn't intend to come home because, emotionally, he was struggling and did not want to hear a load of moaning from his mum and me so I am trying to find that balance between structured advise without being too soft. It seams like it is good cop bad cop at home at the moment with his mum bad cop, this is unusual and is causing some friction between us two.

 

Looks like I might need the valium soon, lol.

 

I let you know how next week turns out.

[baddad]

It seams like it is good cop bad cop at home at the moment with his mum bad cop, this is unusual and is causing some friction between us two.

 

 

 

I'd try bad cop / bad cop for a while...

 

The reasons for not going with 'good cop / good cop' is that your son's old enough to understand anyway and is, frankly, taking the pee. To combat that he needs to know that there will be consequences to taking the pee and there are behavioural expectations you expect him to meet. From what you've just said, your wife is trying to make that clear and you are colluding with your son in undermining it all for the 'sake of a quiet life'. You're right that it's more unusual that way round, but just because the dynamic is inverted it doesn't mean it's a healthy one.

 

Support your wife, not your son. Bond with her, and BOTH bond with him (but not to the point that it undermines your parental authority / responsibility). Your son needs you to be a parent, not a BFF. Hopefully, if you achieve the first, you can be both, but if you only focus on the second you'll be the 'Best Friend' in a very unequal relationship, where for 'Best Friend' you can read 'Doormat'.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited July 29, 2011 by baddad

[dee23]

I would be interested to know why you have such a strong need to be able to contact him at all times. Yes, i understand he has Aspergers, but he is also 21 years old. Are your worries around the company he keeps, where he goes etc, or do you feel his AS is such that he really is much more vulnerable when out than usual for a young man? You have heard from one poster with a son who had successfully left home at 21. I know everyone is different, but is it possible that you are underestimating him in this area. I think what i'm trying to say is are your worries realistic? Do you foresee many emergencies when you would need to contact him? Yes, i know emergencies can happen, but i feel you need to look at the amount of worry you are expending on his socialising. I would agree with the poster who said your expectations seem confusing - you want him to get a job, yet seem to be treating him as though he is a much younger adolescent, rather than a grown man. He will live up (or down) to whatever your expectations of him are.

 

My daughter is 16 (NT). She has done GCSEs and has been on the euphemistically named study leave. She has had a job in the past, but it ended in a difficult way, through no fault of her own, and that has knocked her confidence. That has not stopped me expecting her to find another one, and in the meantime, contributing to the house in other ways. She has done her own clothes washing for a good year or two now, and we are slowly getting on top of her grasping the idea that i do not like to come in from work and find the kitchen a bombsite etc. I am very specific in what i want - she does not have to do dishes immediately as long as they are stacked neatly near the sink; a messy tea, sugar and cereal strewn worktop is an absolute no-no etc. It is not just a case of me expecting her to "tidy up", she knows specifically what is expected.

 

Basically, you need houserules. And yes, you and your wife need to be singing from the same song sheet. You aren't his friend, you are his parent and that is a much, much better thing to be, imo. Short-term friction for long-term gain is perfectly normal, and worth it in the end. Make your expectations clear, reasonable and non-negotiable. I know the "strops" can be exhausting, but if you give in they will keep happening.

 

And remember, even if he is "behind" in some ways for his age group, the desire to pull away from parents is healthy and necessary. The more you try and "reel him back in" (which is my real concern with your need for constant contact), the more he will struggle. As well as expectations and ground rules, he needs trust - in himself and his abilities. That will then give him something else to hopefully live up to.

[Number8]

Of course you are al absolutley right. One fact is yes I do not really trust SOME of the company he keeps, but as he tells us we do not know them. Also the fact is, I guess, I do not want to let him go, too protective. I am scared............I am frightened he will get hurt, by what I do not know. He is vulnerable, naive, easy lead and that is what I am scared of. I will try all your advises and let you now how we get on after the hols.

[dee23]

Well show me a parent who isn't scared when one of them starts to leave the nest......

 

It's always good to be honest with yourself, in my opinion, hard as it can sometimes be. You say his older sister is a psychologist, so you have coped with a child going off to university and making a new life, with new friends and influences. I know it's different this time (AS....), but it's also the same, if you see what i mean. He's still him, not just his diagnosis.

 

Do you think it's worth telling him what your motivations actually are? Only you will know if he will respond to that, but it might be worth a try. You have two things driving you here as i see it - fairness and fear. You want him to pull his weight around the place and within the family, that's simply fairness. If he learns to at least be fair to people around him (whether he actually wants to or not) he'll have a much smoother path through life, and may find many more doors open for him than otherwise. The fear you feel, which leads to you wanting to know where he is, be able to contact him etc, is perfectly normal parental angst. Again, if he understands whats underneath your requests, there might be a way to reach a mutual agreement about contact etc. Does he feel, perhaps, that because of his diagnosis he is treated like a child? Or treated differently to his sister? I imagine you would have felt the same fears for her, but perhaps you expressed them differently. (I know that's all quite chicken and egg, btw, i don't mean to make it sound black and white).

 

Only you know whether you can all benefit from a conversation like that, and it doesn't have to be mawkish, just very matter of fact. Expectations being placed on you is just a fact of life, so he may as well learn that now, from his nearest and dearest, rather than years down the line. He's an adult, see if he can respond to an adult conversation.