son hates advice

[sparkletastic]

Hello, I'm new here but it's so nice to find this site!

 

My son is 7 with Asperger's, clever but resistant to guidance! It's definitely coming up to the end of the school year, he's getting more autistic and difficult and consequently my anxiety rises with all this. Earlier, I was trying to gently guide him - as on other occasions - with how to skip, whilst in the garden with my young daughter who has just learnt and taken advice as any NT child would. My son, however, immediately says ' no' to me and that my suggestion is not a good idea and insists on carrying on doing things his way. That's ok, I don't mind if he doesn't learn to skip - however, I do get anxious about his rigidity in not taking advice - he never has!!! Any tips on how to phrase advice? I try phrasing it like ' my daughter does this...' or 'we do this...'

 

I'm going to post another message abotu lunchtime supervision too. Looking forward to hearing anyone out there! Thank you

[baddad]

Hi Sparkle -

I'm sure you'll find many parents here who know this problem intimately!

Wouldn't it be lovely if 'not caring' actually worked? But while they won't take the advice they'll give you hell with the frustration 'cos they can't achieve what they want to achieve. Heads they win...

Two things I find sometimes help -

1 - Get someone else to tell them, conning them that the other person is a 'professional'. It's amazing how attentive they CAN be if you can get past the 'what do you know' barrier

2 - Get down to their eye level (not necessarily making eye contact, if your kid has a problem with this), so it feels less like guidance and more like a 'chat'.

Other than that, make yourself a nice cup of tea and take a couple of paracetamol!

L&P

BD

[cjsmum]

Hi sparkletastic

we often have this problem with our 10yr old son (dx of AS + ADHD) but we tend to turn it round on him and make him feel that the advice given came from him and it was his idea all along!

H x

[nellie]

Hi Sparkle, welcome aboard!

 

If I offer advice to my husband or my sons, they often take it as criticism. I have to be careful how I phrase things, often it's impossible and nothing works. Your son may have taken your offer to teach him to skip as criticism that he can't skip.

 

The advice offered by cjsmum is very good. Make him think it's his idea.

 

Nellie xx

[tizzmeclare]

Hi Sparkle,

 

Welcome to the forum. My son aged 9 also detests any kind of guidence at home or school and often it results in a meltdown.

 

We have found, that even though its very hard sometimes not to intervene, that leaving him to discover his own way of doing things is better for his self esteem, as just as Nelli has experienced, our son reacts to guidence as criticism.

 

For our son at least, guidence only seems to hinder the course of his learning.

 

Of course this holding back of guidence can only be used in situations like learning, as when its essential we do intervene ( then suffer the consequences of his meltdown and reach for a large glass of red wine )

 

Look forward to catching up with you around the forum.

 

Regards, tizz

[Zemanski]

Com says that telling him how to do something makes him angry because it emphasises his difficulty and the failure he is already feeling.

 

we had all these problems and the fake professional doesn't work for us as Com has no regard whatsoever for other people's status - you should hear how he talks to his head teacher and he has no qualms about putting teachers right in lessons!

 

Com has gradually learned that there are certain people he trusts to give him accurate information and we try to present advice in that way so that he feels that he is being treated as an equal (Com has always expected to be spoken to as an adult; at 18 months he really upset an old grandpa figure in our small village by telling him that it was not a 'doggie', it was a dog - possibly his first full sentence)

 

not easy but it is getting better slowly (very slowly)

 

Zemanski

[lynyona]

Hi my sons the same even at 19 he doesnt take guidance he takes it as critism or interfering in his business and if pushed turns into major meltdown i know the limits to go to but dh as to always overstep the mark and keep pushing it, thinks hes doing the best, but then i get all the meltdown flack. lynn

[CarerQuie]

it is so hard to put information across to them in a way that they will accept.There are certain words which definitely qare a no-no.The whole process is like treading on eggshells.

 

((((((Sparkletastic)))))) xx

[Kazzen161]

I sometimes say something like:

 

Some people would ..........

Do you think it would be better if......

 

He will often say "no" or "go away, I don't need your help". But if I just leave him to it, he will often try out what I have suggested, and then pretend he thought of the idea himself!

 

Karen

[Deblegs]

Dear All

 

I have a problem with receiving advice and being given different opinions. This is because I find it difficult to process this type of information that is outside of myself. It makes me upset and anxious. I can only cope with doing things in my own way and in my own time.

 

Hope this helps.

 

From Debbie Hudson

[sparkletastic]

Dear all who replied to me about this - sorry I didn't thank you earlier as I have been using other e-mail accounts and getting rather mixed up!

sparkletastic