Family wedding

[janecw]

Hi there.

 

I'm new here, so not sure if i should start a topic without introductions first. I am single Mum to 3 teens, (17, 14, 12). My eldest boy has no diagnosis, but definitely some autistic spectrum traits, my middle son has diagnosed Aspergers, and my daughter is neurotypical. i don't have much time to do forums, but thought I would give this one a try, as it looks good!

 

I would love it if anyone could give me any advice about a family wedding we have to go to this summer. We have to do an overnight stay the night before, as it is four hours from us by car, and my daughter is a bridesmaid. At the last two weddings that we went to, both my boys couldn't wait to leave. I just can't work out how on earth I am going to juggle my daughter being bridesmaid, and wanting to stay, as she will no doubt be enjoying herself, and my boys, especially my 14 year old, possibly hating every moment of it! I have been asking friends to see if I can find anyone who will come with me to help, even if only to take one or both of my sons back to the Travelodge to chill and watch TV, while I stay at the wedding with my daughter. So far, I'm struggling to find anyone who is free, who would understand enough to help. I have nobody in the family that I could ask, and we will know very few people at the wedding, except the bride and groom. There will be no other kids of similar age at the wedding; it is mostly 20 - 30 something childless couples. Any ideas to help me cope and help prevent meltdowns or embarrassment? The bride, (my stepdaughter - that is my ex husband's daughter, who is also my kids' half sister), has expectations, and doesn't really understand that it may not be a fun experience for us as a family.

 

Thanks in advance! J

[chris54]

Know the feeling, we have a family wedding to go to, it will be a big do, with an overnight stay for us, we plan on leaving after a few hours.

 

But you or at least your daughter cant/wont want to. One possibility, which wont be ideal would be for you to go off with the boys and leave your daughter in the charge of her dad, (I'm assuming he will be there)

Edited May 30, 2012 by chris54

[Tally]

Hi Jane, and welcome.

 

Weddings are often a challenge. Bringing a friend would be the ideal solution if you can find anyone.

 

Could your boys manage going back to the hotel on their own while you stay late with your daughter?

 

Or maybe you could take your boys outside for regular breaks. Another guest may be willing to keep an eye on your daughter for a bit if you're only outside, or the boys could go outside together without you. Knowing they're going to get regular breaks outside might make it easier for the boys to cope while they are inside.

 

Another thing that might help is knowing the schedule beforehand. Predictability can mean one less thing to worry about. Also, rehearsing some conversation openers Might help them feel more comfortable with the whole thing.

[A-S warrior]

might i suggest not going near anyone, last wedding i went to everybody got hit with a 48 hour stomach virus, even the bride and groom.

[robert7111a]

I agree with Tally and a couple of your ideas. Preparation is key and knowing the schedule beforehand will be one less thing to worry about.

 

Is this a church wedding? Are the boys likely to be disruptive? Your daughter especially won't want to be embarrassed as it's a big day for her too.

 

Perhaps if the setting allows, could the boys play outside with an occasional watchful eye. Otherwise it might well be they would have go back to the Travelodge and watch TV etc or they can bring some games etc to keep them occupied. Perhaps they could even play these at the back of the church (providing the sound is switched off!) so at least they are preoccupied and won't disrupt the service or cause any embarrassment

[janecw]

Thanks so much everyone for the replies. It may sound strange, but my kids' father isn't going to be there, unless he changes his mind at the last moment. He lives abroad and has lost touch with us. So my stepdaughter won't have her Dad to give her away, which I guess is a bit sad for her. From my point of view, it is a great relief he isn't coming, as that would add another problem into the mix! The kids haven't seen their Dad for 4 years, and even then, they only saw him for a couple of days before he went back to America. So they haven't had any ongoing relationship with their Dad since they were pretty young, and it would be incredibly stressful if they saw him again just for a couple of days before he went off again. He doesn't maintain contact by phone or letter, nothing, so they hardly know him, and every small bit of contact over the last few years has caused tremendous upset.

 

I will definitely do some preparing in advance, try to get a rough schedule of what is happening and what is expected regarding things like photos, etc. I'm pretty sure my boys will be okay with the church service, but they may need some encouragement to be in photographs, and yes, they will need to have some freedom to wander off and play on a games console, or something like that, at the reception, because they won't want to make small talk - or, even worse - dance at the disco!! They are not likely to be openly disruptive, but they may wander off and ignore people, and constantly ask to leave. At a friends' wedding a few years ago, my eldest son sat outside on the wall for the whole service, refused to come inside, and I was embarrassed! But I think they are that bit older now and I can explain that some things are expected, and after that they can have some freedom to go back to the hotel and chill, or go and sit by themselves outside, as the reception is at a village hall with playing fields. I will continue to work on finding a friend to take with me to help too. And I think my daughter will have to compromise a bit too, so we don't have to stay really late.

 

This is going to be a constant process of negotiation, I think. I've already had to say to my stepdaughter I will make sure the boys look reasonably smart - good trousers, shirts, maybe ties, if I can persuade them - but I can't be getting them suits, which she had hoped. Think that would raise my stress levels through the roof having to take my 14 year old son through that rite of passage into being a young man, wearing a suit! It will be enough to just ensure he looks clean and tidy and presentable and will do a few of the social niceties!

 

Thanks everyone. Much appreciated! Jane

[robert7111a]

I hope everything goes well for you and hassle-free. Do report back and tell us how it went

[janecw]

Thanks Robert. Yes, will let you know how it goes. It's not till 4th August, so a bit of time to prepare.

[Sally44]

With my son I would use something like a travel DVD player. So that IF he could not tolerate the church, he could sit in the car and watch a DVD.

 

Make sure they have things with them such as Nintendo DS, CD player with earphones etc.

 

Phone the place where the reception will be and ask them if they have a quiet room you could use for your children. They may have something your boys could use - if you are able to leave them together without adult supervision??

 

And it is difficult with different siblings needing different things. I often find my daughter loses out to having to 'deal with' my son not being able to deal with the situation/environment. But we have found the above suggestions have helped alot.

 

But you need to know that they would be 'safe' if unsupervised either in the car, at the reception in another room, or back at the hotel. Do your two boys get on okay, or do they bother eachother?

 

Does the hotel offer any kind of baby sitting service? Not that you need that level of supervision, but would they be able to check on the boys every half an hour until you were back?

[oxgirl]

We had this worry last year when my niece got married. My lad is 18 now and the last wedding we went to, when he was much younger, was a disaster. We were fully prepared for this one to be difficult, but he really surprised us and came through and lived up to the occasion. We were very worried about what he would wear as well. It's okay for a kid to go casual but I wanted him to be smart. He is horrendous about clothes and shopping but he decided himself that he didn't want to look different from everyone else and agreed to buy a cheap suit and even smart shoes! He tolerated the day and overnight stay very well, much better than we would have expected him to. We were fully prepared to take him back to the room for breaks and decided that we would just do what was best for us as a family and not try to please everyone else. At the end of the day, remember that no-one will be paying too much attention to your children, they'll all be far too busy enjoying themselves. Try to stay calm and cheerful yourself and hopefully they'll pick up on the relaxed atmosphere. Good luck!

 

~ Mel ~

[janecw]

Hi again, thanks for the further replies. It's lovely to hear from others who have been through something similar.

 

Unfortunately my boys don't particularly get on. In fact, if I go out, I practically have to plan what they are doing for them! They don't like to be in the living room together, so have to take turns at using the TV or family computer downstairs. If one is upstairs, the other will be downstairs, and vice versa! But they don't fight like they used to. They just ignore each other mostly! Both are quite territorial about their own space, which has made holidays quite hard, as they absolutely won't share rooms or tents, so they have to be separate! Nevertheless, they are now teenagers, and mature enough to be left unsupervised for a while, especially my 17 year old, who is pretty independent.

 

Yes, games consoles, music players, etc, are a must! And they are getting better about clothes, as they get older. Neither like shopping, and expect clothes to magically appear, but it's getting easier as they get older, at least!

 

Think it's all the advance planning that is tiring, and other people have no idea the amount of effort we have to put in to make occasions like these work out! I will probably come home exhausted, as it's me who has to be on alert all the time to ensure things run smoothly. But my confidence is growing that all will be well on the day! Thanks everyone!

[janecw]

Hi everyone,

 

Just to say the wedding went very well. It was the advance planning that was the worst, but on the actual day, things went smoothly. Thank goodness for Marks and Spencer's, and their wonderful staff, who helped get both my boys kitted out in suitable smart clothes, with minimum stress. On the actual wedding day, my middle son, who I was most concerned about, only had one wobbly moment, but recovered himself. After the wedding, he then started behaving rather aggressively for a few days, but that is often what he does - holds everything in and then has a few days of "recovery" after a big event like this. I breathed a big sigh of relief afterwards! All in all, a good result. Thanks for the supportive messages.