lizzy-wilson Report post Posted July 1, 2012 Just going to go on a quick rant... (I Apologies now) When I was four, my dad left my mum for someone else, it effected my sisters and brother badly but because I was only four I didn't understand what was going on. I saw him every other Saturday and that was about it. This last year or so I have started seeing him more often...as well as my..delightful step mum. Lets just say, he's not the most understanding person in the world, also quite selfish and while I'm at it a bit of a twit. If I'm having a panic attack he just tells me to get over it and stop being so silly; not the most helpful things to say while I'm struggerling to breathe. ..Arhh...this is quite hard to type, I've got it all in my head but can't seem to write it out. Sometimes I find it helpful to go on a rant about him and his wife...its harder than I thought..writing it down now...I have so much on my chest and in my head that I want to say. I want to talk to someone who isn't a family member for a change or have to pay £60 to talk to someone for an hour. This is when I could really do with a friend. Rant over...for now! Sorry once again. Lizzy. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mannify Report post Posted July 1, 2012 I would never suggest not seeing your dad, but I can't help but think that maybe you need less of him in your life right now. Don't aplogise - forums are ace for his sort of thing. I do sometimes think you can reduce the space in your life for people who are not a great influence for you, without cutting ties. I probably haven't been very helpful, so I'll be interested to see what other people think. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted July 2, 2012 Sometimes people can respond in certain ways due to other reasons, guilt, denial, fear, a sense of control. The thing is... have you ever explained to him exactly how you feel? The ways you struggle, why you have panic attacks, what they feel like, why you are struggling with certain things. Often, when a person really doesn't understand, it's because nobody has got through to them - some people seem to be immune and stubborn - but others really do listen - sometimes its about finding a way to make them listen. He could feel guilty for not being there for you, he could feel responsibility that he hasn't helped, he might feel he's failed you, and maybe anger that everything isn't all rose tinted and perfect in your life. Parents operate on different levels to kids, and you are now in that time of your life when you cease to be a little girl and start to be a woman, that's a big change for some, especially parents who haven't been around that much because there's a gap from seeing you as his little girl, to seeing you as you are now, and the ways you change and develop. That can be scary. It sounds like you both have a lot to learn about each other - it doesn't have to all be bad stuff either - although an explanation of that would be part of it - there's so much more though isn't there? The things you have done to overcome them, and the things you want to do, the ways you are trying to make a go of things, the stuff that inspires you. There may need to be a process of getting to know each other on a more adult level, that can take a lot of effort at times. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mannify Report post Posted July 2, 2012 That's a far more reasoned response than mine, Darkshine. I have weird family stuff that doesn't make me the best person to spout advice, so I should probably keep schtum. I'm glad you've come on here, Lizzy, for some support. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lizzy-wilson Report post Posted July 2, 2012 Thank you both for replying.. my relationship with him is getting better but he does have his moments (he is man though) I think he thinks it's just something that I'll grow out of, we've tried and tried over the years to explain to him but it just doesn't seem to go in. Glad I came on here to. Every so often I need to clear things off my chest...I think mum was running out of things to say to me! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LancsLad Report post Posted July 2, 2012 Speaking from a position of foster carer in the past integrating children and young adults such as yourselves back into family scenarios these things in my experience take a lot of time Lizzy. I also think as Darkshine has said you are at a time in your life which many adults but particularly males might find difficutl, are you that girl they once might have known or are you a young woman? Of course the answer is you are you, but thats hard for some people to get, and if they have not seen you develop as a person its really hard, but that can't be an excuse on their part. Sometimes these things just don't work out if I am honest too much water has flown under the bridge. If that is the case then I suspect it will be his loss not yours. However I have seen relationships being rebuilt from the most fragile of foundations. Often the hardest thing to do is to accept that things were as they were and to move on. That does not mean forget about things, because we can't they happened. It does not mean we have to forgive the other person, I still think we can say "hey I didn't like what you did to me, and you lost a lot of respect in my eyes because of that, and you need to build a level of trust again, but I am going to give you a chance to do that and change my thinking". The thing which always strikes me is that more often than not in these scenarios it is the child or the young person who takes the lead and does the mature thing, its the adults who often struggle to respond. What I would say is AS is but one part of the thing which goes into making Lizzy Wilson the person she is. This might be the most difficult aspect of you for your dad to get, so why not keep the focus on other things like what your interests are as these might be easier areas on which to build foundations. The AS stuff might come in later. My parents for example simply don't get my AS I don't know why that is but at the end of the day we can waste a lot of energy trying to get them to understand one part of us and that can be very frustrating, I am speaking from experience here. If I were you continue to focus on what's working in your relationship and build on that, you are right in that often us males are simple folk and can only concentrate on one thing at a time, a suggestion would be focus on your music for the time being, maybe drumming whilst you build bridges. It wouldn't surprise me that a lot of the initial problems might be you are very alike in many ways. Just a few thoughts. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lizzy-wilson Report post Posted July 2, 2012 One thing with the drumming side of things is that we both share the interest and I would say that's helped a bit. My mum thinks that he feels guilty and possibly ashamed...but he would never admit it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LancsLad Report post Posted July 2, 2012 Lizzy admiting that you left you kid behind for selfish reasons is a big thing to face up to, only he knows what he thinks, you mum sounds pretty astute as far as I can see, suspect you might take after her as well. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) That's a far more reasoned response than mine, Darkshine. I have weird family stuff that doesn't make me the best person to spout advice, so I should probably keep schtum. I'm glad you've come on here, Lizzy, for some support. Your opinion is as valid as everyone else's - no matter what it is My response came from my own life, my relationship with my parents and most of my family was non-existent when I was 16 - the only person who accepted me was my Nan, she didn't care if I was different and I didn't feel judged. I left home at 18, ran away one day, and over several years I slowly, slowly, rebuilt a relationship with my parents. I phoned them as often as I felt I could, I swallowed my anger, hurt, rejection and loneliness, I pushed aside my hate, the betrayal I felt, the abandonment, and a lot more anger and pain, and I slowly rebuilt bridges with them. It's 13 years later now, and I did a lot of the groundwork, my relationship with my parents is not perfect, but over the years I have come to understand that things in their lives, their minds, their hearts had screwed them up. I saw they were human, they made mistakes.... It took a long while for them to even partially understand me - I spent years explaining what they did to me, how they made me feel, how I didn't feel loved or wanted, how I felt I should die... Once those discussions had gone as far as they could (because their initial responses were guilt and denial) I dropped it. The interesting thing is that my dad is the one who opened his eyes first, he'd ring me and start asking questions about things that happened and I could tell he was exploring things in his mind - as soon as I worked out how to have those discussions without the guilt attached, it got much easier - it was worth the effort to get to where we are now - and it has taken 10 of those 13 years to get here - it has taken patience, time and a lot of discussions, but each year it got a little easier as I got to know them. They say I don't have AS - but why would they want to admit that? It would just say that they were blind and did nothing to help while I struggled with my problems and they never really noticed. I understand them pretty well now, and I don't push for what can't happen, I don't think they will ever be comfortable with the stuff that is the hidden me, and I really work hard at not letting them see it. They don't know about all the stuff that has happened to me, they don't want to know the dark sides, and I protect them from it, plus I can't be dealing with their guilt - it doesn't achieve anything. Because I was so angry with them for so may years, it also helped when I moved away from anger, towards acceptance, my parents are not perfect, I can moan about them for many things, but in accepting them I found they started to accept me a bit more too. Deep inside when I think of the kid and teenager I was - I still feel those old emotions, but it is healthier now because I can place them in the past, a past I cannot change, and although I struggle to accept everything that happened, there is a lot more that makes sense now that I understand them, and I understand myself a lot more. Edited July 2, 2012 by darkshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
trekster Report post Posted July 9, 2012 I can highly recommend my counsellor. She is recommended by the National Autistic Society and has been supporting me for over a year. Neither of my parents understand autism and my siblings dont really get it either. My mum is suffocating and very loud which causes me to be inadvertently loud. ive got an honourary mum (a friend that i treat like a mum even though she is unrelated to me), 2 honourary dads and an honourary sister. i have a blood brother, blood gran and other relatives i hardly see. Do you prefer NT friends or autistic ones? (or dont mind). There might be an autism social group in your county or a mental health drop in group (although i am fully aware autism isnt a mental health problem). It is possible hes on the spectrum himself which is causing the strange behaviour. Any chance you could make a deal with him? eg, Dad i realise this autism stuff is complicated to you but if you are willing to accept me warts and all then i can do the same for you. Building on your shared interest of music and drumming is a good idea. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JeanneA Report post Posted July 14, 2012 Have you thought about writing down how you feel in a kind of letter and giving it to your Dad it might help? Just an idea. ;-) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
