Banned from Costa coffee for "bad behaviour"

[Noskcaj86]

Is it common for children with an ASD to be frowned upon for there behaviour by members of the public? My sons behaviour gets him (and me) in to quite a bit of trouble. Hes been banned from 2 cafes now due to not being able to stay still and quiet. Also for climbing on top of tables from which i immediatly removed him... obviously i try to stop this "bad" behaviour but he doesnt seem to be aware its anti social and un acceptable so does it again. We use to live in a semi detached new house with thin walls. My son would continuously hit the sides of his cot/wall with his hands, feet or head as a baby when we put him to bed and the neighbour called the police about the noise numerous times... Im always getting strangers saying things like "control your child" which is very unhelpful! Recently a woman on the bus sat behind me and my son and said I had no control he was having a big freak out tantrum, which he has now and again and I was staying really calm and coping well with it considering we were on a moving bus. I managed to keep him in his seat and was trying to calm him down when the woman butted in! He has speech delay which makes him frustrated and also is hyperactive so he finds sitting still very hard work, he will crawl around on all fours and run up and down so I can see why poeple would get annoyed but if i think his behaviour has become to anti social or dangerous to him or others I remove him from the situation immediatly. Is my son meant to stay home all day and be a prisoner along with me and his brothers?? Why are people so intolerant?? I try so hard and it all gets thrown back in my face by people who should keep there thoughts to them selfs! If this is to continue for many years to come i guess i need to get use to it and toughen up to the comments! I hope this has made sence, almost 2 am so struggling to stay awake. Would appreciate other peoples stories and or coping strategies please.

Thanx

[Special_talent123]

I know costa can get quite busy, I try to avoid drinking inside there if its really busy, but I end up getting a take out drink. Do you have cards that explains he has autism to member of staff because it could be the noise or anything that causing this. Same with the bus it can get noisy and overcrowded.

[Suze]

The cafe scenario will be because of hot drinks and the safety aspect.The truth is though you don,t have any control over your son, which must be a very frightening thing.To be honest avoid the places where behaviour and siting down/still are important and visit the places where he can let off steam a bit, parks open spaces etc.Are you getting any help at all with his behaviour issues?As far as the general public go they,ll always be those that like to comment and stick their noses in unfortunately.

[smileyK]

Did you know you can get autism alert information cards to show to explain his behaviour ??? On NAS website did you explain costa he has autism ?

[Mike_GX101]

It all seems to come down to perception doesn't it.

 

Take a coin (say a £1 coin) and look at it. "What is it?" I ask. "A coin" you reply. "But what is?" I ask. "A coin" you reply. "Yes...and?" I ask again. "A coin" you reply sounding more exasperated.

 

But that's what most people see it as. To someone else though that coin could be:

1. a table-leg extension

2. a toy (something to roll)

3. part of a picture

4. a piece of history

5. a tile

6. a prop

7. a keepsake

8. a hole filler

...I could go on.

 

A table equally to most people is to be sat at. But it could also be a stool, a platform to stand on, a door ram, etc.

 

By the way - I use two 2p coins to prop one corner of my fridge-freezer up so that it's level as the floor is horribly uneven; it works a treat!

 

Noskcaj86 - be proud of your son's creativity but of course you should teach him what is and isn't appropriate especially in places like cafes. Perhaps treat him with sweets and things when he sits properly...maybe give him some Smarties!

[Noskcaj86]

Hi everyone, sorry i didnt mention we havent had diagnosis yet but have suspected asd for a long time (since 18mths ish) and paediatrician has now decided he will refer him for assessment for asd ASAP. He seems to want to run in any open space, like supermarkets. Today my partner had to chase him around supermarket for 5 mins before he was able to catch him and bring him back to the car. The check out assistants were apparently all laughing, very embarrassing for my partner lol. But he just behaves in an anti social/hyper active way a lot of the time, its just him. Almost every day someone says to me "youve got your hands full there"... Haha as if i hadnt noticed! This is why were looking in to getting him a pram, as long as we can find a way to stop him getting out of the straps i think it would halp a LOT in supermarkets cafes and other situations where hes antisocial or puts himself in danger! Just a shame people think its there place to comment on a child behaviour when they dont know anything about that child. The autism hand out cards sound really useful... but I will need to wait until he's diagnosed... The paed said that it can be a lengthy process x

[Mandapanda]

Hi

 

I can't see that you mentioned how old your son is?

 

We gave up taking our eldest shopping as he was such a nightmare. We would take it in turns to go alone. When I was pregnant with my youngest my in laws would come, mil would look after son and fil would take me shopping (I couldn't fit behind the steering wheel!).

 

Mj would run off and have no sense of needing to stay near me. Once he knocked a jar of curry sauce off a shelf and it broke. He immediately started picking up the broken glass to 'tidy up'. He got lost once in a large Childrens World (now Mothercare). After 20 mins of frantic searching by myself and the staff we found him happily playing with a toy. I spent 15 minutes once trying to get him to sit in the trolley, literally wrestling with him and trying to push his legs through the openings, with a Salvation Army collector watching me disapprovingly. The only shop I could visit was the chemist and they enjoyed us visiting as Mj would tidy up all the hair accessories and bits and bobs, putting them all in the right places.

 

To be honest I found the stress of it all exhausting and the looks and comments were destroying my self confidence (which wasn't very high anyway), so it was easier to go without him, even if it meant I couldn't always go when I needed to.

 

In later years we found he would come to places more calmly and even hold hands. We used to have to talk to him an awful lot, explaining what we were doing and why and how long it might take. Also giving warnings that you are going somewhere and explaining may help to some extent. On school trips they thought he was being naughty running off, but it turned out he was really short sighted and needed to get closer to see things.

 

He's now 19 and just gone to Uni, so things can certainly change when they get older.

[Mike_GX101]

Would appreciate other peoples stories and or coping strategies please.

Thanx

Just a shame people think its there place to comment on a child behaviour when they dont know anything about that child. The autism hand out cards sound really useful...

To help us better perhaps you could elaborate a little - that way our advice does not run the risk of being disappointing to you...

[justine1]

Funny you mention costa coffee a friend on facebook recently shared a newspaper link where a couple were asked to leave as they had to feed their disabled son through a tube,I guess some ignorant customer complained and now I guess Costa havealot to answer for.

 

Anyway,I agree with a card to prehaps explain that he has behaviour problems,however this won't obviously solve all the problems. It may be down to boredom are there things he can take along to keep himself occupied? I know it might not look good but Dan(6) usually just ends up playing games on my phone when we at a place where we are eating. Both my boys don't like being inside for long periods so I try and get somewhere where we can eat outside or at least where it on't take that long to wait for food. There is a place where we eat out about 4-5 times a year and they are very child friendly,we still get the looks and comments as the boys don't keep still and stand on the chairs etc but it does not last long,I try and keep them entertained and once We have eaten we leave straight away.

 

I personally try not to avoid taking them out as I think it can go two ways either they will naturally grow out of the behaviour and gro up to go out without problems OR it may end up by keeping them secluded they have low self esteem and never understand what it is like in the real world,I dont want to take that chance. The way I see it they have never and are unlikely to ever hurt someone so they have as much right as everyone else to shop and eat out etc. Saying all that I do think we would go out alot more and to more places if they did not have ASD.

[justine1]

Sorry for spelling mistakes,I am typing helping my son with homework and trying to get my very tired 7mth old to sleep.

[Noskcaj86]

Sorry he's just turned 4 last month. Im worried about him going on school trips because he runs off a lot, what if the teacher was looking away at the second he ran off, they might not notice he was gone straight away :/ I proably sound paranoid but once he decides to run off he's gone like a bullet! I think ill say no to school trips until he's older. Today he got out of his car seat to many times to count, he jumps through from the back (7 seater) climbing over his brothers as he goes, in to the front drivers seat where i have to wrestle him to stop him jumping out. Only just managed to stop him getting out on to the garage forecourt today. My partner was inside the shop paying so was all down to me to wrestle him! He's physically very strong for his age too.

 

Mandapanda "Mj would run off and have no sense of needing to stay near me" This is totally my son, everywhere we go. He's never been worried not to be near me and has no sence of danger. Its so worrying for me and his dad!

 

Justine "It may be down to boredom are there things he can take along to keep himself occupied?" He does take toys out with him, cars mainly as he plays with cars 90% of his time, but still wants to get up and run about. "Both my boys don't like being inside for long periods" He's just the same as your two, give him a field to run around in all day and he'd be happy!

 

Thanx for all comments

[smileyK]

I would still explain to costa you looking into possible autism diagnosis for him and give then information on it worth a go a try???

[Paula]

Id lilke to defend Costa as not all branches are the same.My son goes into costa regulary and the staff are fantastic with him everyone knows him and they all know his order because he never changes it they all make a point of saying hello to him and make him feel important and welcome.Granted my son is older 18 but i have been where you are when he was younger with interfearing members of the public passing comments on things they knew nothing about.

 

I used to have some of them cards that id just give them and say read that.Id be lieying if it didnt get to me especialy when i was first takeing my son out and about in the early days id be that worried and stressed not by my sons behaviour but by what i thought others were thinking i hated people stareing at us and often would just go home.But you learn to think s*d you you develop a tough skin.

 

My advice is dont be pushed by what you think others are thinking into dealing with youre son any differently to how youd deal with him at home just because youre in public view its a mistake i used to make.If he kicked of at home id know that the best way to deal with my son was to ignore him and let it blow over and it would do, but if i was out and about id feel under preassure to stop the behaviour quickly so id try to talk him round or stop him or get hold of him and it would make it a whole lot worse.Once i started thinking i dont care who stares or what they think things got a lot better.

 

It does get easier in time my son hated leaving the house when he was younger hated crowds hated eating in public now he can walks into costa order a drink and pay something we never ever thought hed do.

[smileyK]

I think sometimes public quick to place judgements on what situation is displayed in front of them by what they see when don't really know what going on the daily struggles/ difficulties sometimes easy to blame what they don't get understand or lack knowledge ingornance can be excuse but can be pure innocence too! you know and understand why your son reacts the way he does due to social anxieties / sensory demands of environment noises public etc keep head held high