Missing Glen

[JeanneA]

Sorry if this sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself but just had to share this with my friends on here as I don't really have anyone else to talk to that really understands. I haven't seen Glen for nearly 7 weeks now. There's 2 reasons for this: one is he had an eye operation to repair a detached retina and needed to stay at the home for the recovery period, travelling home obviously wasnt advised for a while, it's a 2.1/2 hour journey, which obviously I understood how important the recovery of Glen's of eye is. Then Glen was moved to the care home (same organisation) for older youngsters which I was aware was going to happen and of course Glen needs to settle in there so they didn't want him coming home for a little while which of course I also understand, but I just miss him so much and feel so 'down in myself'. I keep going in and out of hs bedroom wishing he was there.

 

Anyway, sorry to burden you all with this but I know as parents you will understand how I'm feeling.

 

Next Thursday, Glen goes back to the hospital for a check up on his eye, he has to have a general anesthetic again as this is the only way for the surgeon to examine Glen's eye as Glen would become agitated if his eye was examined whilst he was awake. Glen was going to come home next weekend but due to his check up this is now not possible, but it's more important that his eye is checked and all is ok.

[Special_talent123]

aww Glen thats natural. It will be okay. He wil be fine your see him soon

[JeanneA]

Thanks so much Kirsty (( )) Glen is settling in really well into his new care home, Glen's been out and about with staff getting to know local people, shopping, going for walks, he's been to the pub with staff and other young people from the home (not every night of course lol) and he's also been swimming.

 

I should have said just in case any of you were wondering why I haven't gone to visit Glen, unfortunately that doesn't work, we've tried that before and Glen just gets too upset and agitated seeing us there, he associates us with being here at home, so therefore he has to come to us and is happy to do so. Fingers crossed he can come home in just over 2 weeks time now, I will keep you updated.

[Special_talent123]

hugs Jeanne

[JeanneA]

Thanks Kirsty -)

[trekster]

I am pleased your son is being well catered for, it is great to see care homes can be positive experiences for autistics and their families. I realise it is really difficult but could you meet up with a friend or take up a hobby to keep your mind active? Maybe get involved with a parents group or campaigning for parents rights in your area?

[Mandapanda]

Hi Jeanne

 

Trekster is right, but I know how difficult this can be to put into practice. It's good that you miss him. I know when my son was here every minute of every day it really got me down and I wanted him to go somewhere else (at least for a while). I'm not saying you should be grateful he's there, just that it's a nice feeling to miss someone when life has been so difficult for you both at times when he was at home.

 

Look after yourself <'>

[trekster]

What a lovely and thoughtful post :-)

[JeanneA]

Thanks to you both for your thoughtful posts it means a lot to me. I probably should think about doing something to keep my mind occupied, I do visit my uncle who's quite elderly and he enjoys my company it is nice to talk to someone and feel you are doing some good for them as well.

 

What does worry me is what Glen is thinking, no one of course can answer that sadly but I wonder if he's wondering why he hasn't seen his mum in 7 weeks, that really plays on my mind. Anyway I can only hope he will be here in 2 weeks time.

 

Thanks again to you all for thinking of me,

it's nice to have friends like you.

[oxgirl]

I agree with the others, Jeanne, it's really important for you to find something for YOU. Could you join an evening class or a group where you could meet others and have some fun and do something for yourself? I know it must be really hard not seeing Glen as often as you'd like, but it isn't good for you to be focussing so much on him and neglecting yourself. It could be that Glen is quite accepting of time passing and that he doesn't think ahead that much so isn't worrying about when he'll see you next but just that he is glad to see you when he does. You sitting there missing him and worrying about him missing you just makes you feel bad.

 

How is his eye now? Has having the op reduced his hitting himself at all? Hope that his check-up goes well and glad that he's settling into his new environment.

 

Take care of YOURSELF, you've spent so long worrying about others, now is the time to give yourself some special care and attention, you deserve it.

 

~ Mel ~

x

[JeanneA]

Hi Mel, thank you so much for thinking of me, I know you are right in what you say, it is hard though as I do think of Glen all the time more so recently with not having seen him in some weeks. It's the longest spell ever now that I haven't seen him for.

 

My daughter Julie came round today, it's her birthday on Wednesday but she and her boyfriend are going out for the day to the London Aquarium to swim with the sharks would you believe!! So she came today to open her presents early and I got her a birthday cake. Julie was so happy with her presents, one of them was a 'daughter' locket, I put a picture of me in one side and her in the other. It was lovely having Julie here, nice to focus on her and not Glen for a little while. I know I have 3 children but with Glen and all his problems over the years I guess I have always been more closer to him, gave him more attention and perhaps my eldest 2 felt a bit left out at times, although they insist this isn't the case when I've brought it up with them

 

I'm sure you are right in what you said Mel about Glen not thinking about 'time passing' as such, I need to think that way it would bring some comfort to me.

 

Not sure about evening classes as I don't have many interests really. I love being on these forums and I also have an american pen pal whom I write to regularly, I also meet up with my very 'close' cousin quite often, in fact I'm seeing her on Monday. I also have a good friend whom I see every 2 or 3 weeks which is nice, I've known her for just over 26 years now. I will have a think though about 'interests' etc.

 

Glen has only hit his eye once since having the operation and it was over in seconds apparently I was told. I think that having the op could well have reduced his hitting of his eye. I will let you know how his check up examination goes on Thursday.

 

Thanks again. (( ))

[Sally44]

I think that after dedicating and spending so many hours, every day, for so many years with your child, that when they are gone, the gap is huge.

 

I remember thinking, after two tribunals and finally winning, what was I going to do with all my time?

 

And you never are able to let go, to the extent that you can let go of your other kids, because you know they are always vulnerable.

 

BUT he is in a good place. And it is natural you are missing him - afterall it has been a number of weeks. Try not to look through rose tinted glasses, because before things were very difficult.

 

You will get to see him soon. And your missing him is just a reflection of how close you are to him and what a good mother you are.

 

So, my advice would be to just ride through the emotions - they are natural - and the day will come when you see him. Yes, do try to do some things that you enjoy and which will pass the time and keep you occupied. But I dont' think that emotions should necessarily be 'avoided'. If you feel sad you feel sad. So ride that wave, and come out the other side - as you will do.

 

The above is very 'Greek' - as my husband is Greek. They have a totally different approach to things. Brits tend to have "the stiff upper lip", whereas Greeks have something they call "kefi", which is about being in emotional state [and it can be any emotion], and 'celebrating and enjoying' that emotion while it lasts. Hence the drinking/plate smashing etc.

 

And I have to say I am impressed with the photo of Glen riding a bike!

Edited October 13, 2012 by Sally44

[Merry]

Hi I don't know if this helps, but whenever i was feeling sad, my dad used to simply say: "Time passes," or "Time is movement." I don't know much about you or your son, but I really feel for you. Before I had my daughter, I don't know if I could have really understood. What you wrote made me feel quite emotional. I used to think that physical pain was easier to endure than emotional pain (again, before I had my daughter - ouch!)..but it must be really tough being apart. So anyway I still remember what dad told me whenever i'm sad. It's comforting to think that, however bad you're feeling right now, time still goes by at the same rate, the days go quick, light, dark, awake, asleep....and before you know it, you'l be feeling happy because it'l be two weeks into the future!

[JeanneA]

Thanks so much to Sally and Merry, you are lovely understanding people, I have a tear in my eye as I type this so forgive me

 

Your Dad is right merry, time does pass and I'm sure the next 2 weeks will go quickly. Like you said Sally when you are sad you are sad, it's natural after all.

 

I have started writing a letter to Glen tonight, just a short letter and with it I am going to enclose a picture that I will 'colour in', he knows the pictures well so I hope he will like it. I will write a note to ask a staff member to read the letter out to Glen.

[karmadestiny]

Jeane, the most important thing is that you know Glen is safe and reasonably happy were he is at the moment...I know being parents regardless of situations our children place us in we feel responsible for everything especially the safety aspects of our children...Like everyone said take this time and look after yourself for a while, you know once Glen will be home he will need you and you will need your strength and wholeness to carry on caring for him and the rest of the family...Allow yourself the time to be YOU for a bit...love and hugs...x

[JeanneA]

Thanks so much for your kind words. I will do my best to look after myself, it is hard though as Glen is constantly in my thoughts. I am having lunch with my cousin tomorrow, really looking forward to it so hopefully spending time with my cousin will take my mind off things. :-) As you rightfully said I will need all my strength and wholeness to care for him when he's next home.

[JeanneA]

Glen had his eye examination yesterday under general anesthetic, all went well thankfully, his eye is recovering well. He has a course of tablets to take for a week as his eye will be a little sore. I am pleased to say Glen WILL be coming home on Friday 2nd November for the weekend. I am just so happy as you can imagine. It will be 9 weeks since on the 2nd since I last saw glen so a very long time. I hope the visit goes well, I will have to get all his favourite foods in. He loves his pizzas

[justine1]

Awww Jeanne I am so pleased for you. I wanted to comment before but kept forgetting. I know how hard it can be to be away from a child for so long. My ex took Dan in 2010 and would often keep him from me and his brothers for 4 weeks at a time and then when my partner moved in I did'nt see him for three months! I am now going through the courts to get him back its awful,I do see him much more now as there is a court order but I want full custody.

 

Hope you have a great weekend.

[JeanneA]

Hi justine, thanks so much for your comments. I'm sorry to hear about your situation I do hope you full custody very soon of your son. It is good that you are seeing him more frequently now though. Do keep in touch with your situation I will be thinking of you.

I am a little worried about Glen coming home as I hope it doesn't upset him, as he hasn't been here in such a long time, could I ask what your son was like when he came home from being away from you for a long time?

[justine1]

Thanks Jeanne,got the hearing in November,unfortunatley the people that are meant to help my children have failed big time and they have had 6 people(4 from cafcass and 2 social workers) speak to them in the past year,all of whom sent reports to court to support me but because they kept changing people the hearings were often cancelled was meant to have him back in March!

 

Him coming home was very hard,not just because of how long he had been away but their father is very controlling and twists things. When the cafcass officer assessed his needs she said how confused he was and how he had such a low opinion of me but that he loves me,basically their opinion was my ex is trying to eradicate me from his life. Also that he was/is very unhappy. It is still a challenge when I see him because he is with his dad more than me he mistakingly calls me daddy alot more than the norm,it really hurts.

 

The other challenge is because its just him and his dad he finds it hard to understand that I have to pay some attention to his brothers to.Thats what hurts the most my ex's actions were to hurt me but it has had a massive impact on Dan and his brothers,who miss him terribly. I am hoping once everything is settled we can spend more 1:1 time which is not possible at present.I do think these things take time,but kids/people adjust and as long as they have things/people they love around them then they will be fine.

[JeanneA]

Thanks Justine. It must be so hard for you, I haven't been in that position myself with my ex at least I know the care home will prepare Glen for coming home, the staff are excellent I have to say.

 

I hope things go your way in November, I'm sure you will all be together again, it would be nice for your other sons to have their brother back. Take care (( ))

[karmadestiny]

Hi Jeane, just to say, I'm sure things will be fine when Glen comes home though he may take alittle time to settle in to his routine but thats to be expected...Try and give him a little space as a mum you will want to fuss over him a little but he may find that hard to adhere to in the begining, though saying that who knows children are resilient and can suprise you...I hope you've had a good rest yourself...My 18 year old niece has been in a secure unit for about a month now and has been placed on section 3 which means she cannot leave the premises or be allowed home until the doctors say...she was taken in for 6 weeks initially but now shes got to stay for 6 months...she has already stayed away from home for a year, a couple of years back, coming back home wasn't a major problem but it did take a couple of days for her to get back into routine due to their trust issues...You will be fine;)! x