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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

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RYOUNG78

Avoiding contact with people

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RYOUNG78   

Is it a typical Aspergers trait to avoid making contact with people even friends just to avoid a social situation. I am really struggling with this at the moment.

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First off, big hugs and respect to you my friend. It's not only 'not easy,' it's downright nearly impossible sometimes - empathy with you RYOUNG, I've always felt this too.

 

It was a nightmare at school, always felt utterly shy and awkward, lots of bullying. I've moved 18 times in 12 years, been through 10+ jobs, homeless twice, semi-bankrupt - almost all simply because of not handling people well. The politics, backstabbing, gossip, one-up-man-ship, the whole lot, is bizarre to me.

 

 

I'm always inwardly thinking 'why don't they all just get on with each other and what they are working on?! Which brings me to the second part, the non-emotional, non-interpersonal part if we would define it as such:

 

Recent theory in evolutionary biology/ genomics that the autistic spectrum is the product of a seperate species.

 

Literally. Possibly Homo Neanderthalis. Worth a websearch perhaps. There's lots of quantitive research to suggest this, but it's a fairly new theory.

 

It would make utter sense we Autistics are able to relate to each other so well, but not none-autistics - much deeper that not understanding each others position via empathy. We can seem selfish to non-autistics, appear to have different priorities and certainly different ways of thinking.

 

That, quite possibly, is because it's literally true. 'They' have more genes from Homo Erectus, 'we' have a higher proportion of Homo Neanderthalis genes.

 

Then, suddly, to myself at least, it all makes sense. And it's far LESS of a concern that I can only affiliate with their thinking by systematising it, rather than it fluidly seeming 'just what I would have thought.'

 

If anything, I hope this casts an interesting alternative perspective on what you are experiencing. If it's sounds outside of what you wish to be thinking about, no worries, drop me a line regardless. My concern is your welbeing.

 

Peace to you my friend:-)

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raydon   

I have struggled with is all my life.

 

Part of the problem for me, is the way a relationship starts. I subconsciously mimic the other person, and if they respond, slowly a rapport can be built up.

 

The other part is that I can only focus on one thing at a time (monotropism), so if I am trying to communicate with two people, I am having to switch between two forms of mimicry. The person I am not talking to at the time probably sees my persona change subtly so unless we all know each other well, I can appear insincere.

 

Clearly this communication strategy can't work in a group situation and being monotropic I can't follow multiple conversations between other members.

 

A side effect is, even if I am trying to talk with one person in a crowd, the noise of all the voices around me ends up as a staccato jumble and scrambles my thoughts, nothing makes sense so I shut down.

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I think it varies, my son as a toddler in Nursery found it difficult to interact with children his own age but he was very sociable with adults...he would run upto a stranger in the street with a gorgeous smile and put his hand out for a handshake...people warmed to him like a moth to flame... As he went through the junior school, he had problems with bullying in the first 3 years but even than he showed interest in making friends...by year 5 the very bullies who bullied him since the start of school became his very best friends...the only problem we had with his friendships was that he would steal treats from home to keep his friends which kinda lead to him taking money afew times to give to them too...even though they were his friends already he did feel that maybe he wasn't worthy of their friendship and he had to pligh them with incentives to keep the friendship going...All he needed was to be assured of what friendship is all about that it cannot be bought...Last day of year 6, he was really emotional, while his friends gave eachother hugs and promised to stay friends for life, my son was beside himself...He started to cry so badly he couldn't stop...he hadn't even said goodbye to his friends yet...my husband had to take him to his car to settle him down for a while...than goodbye's were said with a very sad face trying to hold his emotions in...6 months down the line and he still hold their friendship very dear and can see he will hold onto their friendship for a long time to come...and to my astonishment he made 5/6 friends on day of his induction, in his new year 7 class...and carries on make more friends as days pass...I think having similar interests and skills goes along way to making friends that really matter...

 

So I believe being in the spectrum you can either be overly sensitive or under sensitive or both...My son is both, there are times he won't even acknolwedge how someone's feeling because of way he has behaved towards them, but he can feel the depths of sadness when watching something emotional on T.v and can relate...

Edited by karmadestiny

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trekster   

You might wish to look at Social Phobia and research whether Social Anxiety is an issue for you. If so I've seen advertised (at least in my area) Social Anxiety groups.

 

But yeah it is common for us to avoid (by accident or purposefully) social situations. I wish i could spread Xmas out because of the number of people together at once. im tempted to stay with someone over Xmas so i can have my pressies over New Year instead.

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RYOUNG78   

It's one particular friend in particular I try to avoid. We are still friends and meet for lunch from time to time. I just cannot seem to cope with bumping into her at the station without warning. I know its silly but it really depresses me.

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sesley   

my son at 13 avoids crowds by staying in his room and avoids going out you have to eject him out of the house away from the comfort of his pooter,i even get anxious in social situstion,like hosting partys and wish everyone would leave soon,so i have some of his tendencies

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trekster   

It's one particular friend in particular I try to avoid. We are still friends and meet for lunch from time to time. I just cannot seem to cope with bumping into her at the station without warning. I know its silly but it really depresses me.

 

Sounds like there is something about this person in particular that upsets you? Does their voice hurt your ears? Are they intrusive, bossy or nosy? Do they have a crush on you (or you on them)?

 

Sesley i tend to turn up earlier to social functions so i can get used to the building/venue before the people.

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dekra   

I try to limit my direct contact with people outside my immediate family. Facebook is great for me keeping the appearance of keeping in contact without actually having to do it IYKWIM.

I am a student in a class over over 170 last year and in all those people I managed to inadvertantly made one friend. I wasn't looking to make friends but it just sort of happened towards the end of the year. I wouldn't call it a close friendship but still it is a friendship rather than the aquainanceships I have with everyone else. This year however this person is in a different class and we only see each other in passing so it's back to the social media contact and an odd coffee or lunch break where were have the same times off. This doesn't bother me, in some ways it is easier to know I can go back to my social isolation rather than making the effort to socialise daily with this friend.

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raydon   

I did have a crush on this person at school, although it never led to anything.

 

I certainly misread / misunderstood the original question. :lol:

 

Since the original question was a generalisation, and now it has been honed down to a single person, then I'd say no, it's not specifically an Aspie trait in this instance.

Edited by raydon

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dekra   

Actually I see my "crushes" all during high school and early adulthood as one of my signs of ASD. It always went beyond just a crush it was a full scale obsession and at school with nothing reciprocal from the poor lad who's year it was to be obsessed over. I was borderline stalking these guys unfortunately. As an adult I simply transfered these obessions to guys whom I'd had a brief liason with (drunken snog) and who had moved on to the next conquest. Only once did I ever get like that with a person that I actually had a friendship with. All the rest I had no relationship, not romantic or friendship beyond a snog once. I think I needed the imaginary possibility of a relationship with someone it was never going to happen with as I was not really in a position emotionally to have a proper relationship.

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