My son and aspergers

[mark1972]

Hi everyone

 

My son has been put on a list that says he has aspergers, im not convinced, i think it may be due to the fact he hates living with his " Stepdad " and that causes him to have anger issues.

 

When he is with me " not with his mum and stepdad " only by marriage " he is fine, he is very intelligent but gets no encouragement at home and is always made out to be the instigator in any situation and is never believed that it wasnt his fault.

 

He wants to come and live with me but as any parent knows its not that easy.

 

I would really like some advice as to how i can help to find out the real reason behind his behaviour.

 

Thankyou.

 

can i get e mail confirmation of this message ??

 

Mark

Edited December 30, 2012 by trekster

[Sa Skimrande]

Situations where step anything become involved complicates matters and does affect children that have to live with another father figure, imagine the confusion the child experiences, especially when the mother would like the child born of another father to see the new father as the new father.

 

Maybe Asperger's is over diagnosed because there is money in it, specialists need to justify their existence and the more the merrier. Added to that is the fact that the education system seeks to absolve itself of blame when it is found it cannot teach.

 

I have been a step father of three kids and they looked at me as their father, but I wasn't their father and it really tore me up and so when they called me 'dad' I admonished them rightly or wrongly for I could recognise what they saw, but at the same time I was at pains to let them understand they had a father and it wasn't me.

 

I was that surrogate father until my ex became my ex, because it all hinges on the mother, what she wants and what she doesn't.

 

Now fair enough after fifteen years the relationship came to a close, mostly my fault for being less than a man, but the kids lost out as did their children, for I was also a surrogate grand father as well at age 34.

 

And does anyone wonder on here why I am so negative.

 

But now I understand the less than a man aspect and so I will most likely remain single as I am now as I don't fit into societal expectation, but I was not to know that at the time and I did try my absolute best to understand the situation and it was not easy in the slightest having to keep one step ahead of the kids.

 

But what I say to you Mark, is clue yourself up to what is Asperger's, if you disagree with specialists you are in for a hard time because they have the say through being part of the establishment, your child has this until at least eighteen, the best you can do is clue up and understand what you may be dealing with, but ultimately treat him as your son, how you would do normally without the diagnostic opinion.

 

But understand something of diagnosi, they enable power to authoritative others and as we all know power can be abused.

 

Tricky situation for you, I can understand given this country's mother bias, but clue up on the diagnosi, each one as it occurs and treat your son as your son, not the disabled.

[justine1]

Hi

Just a few things really. One is what "list" has he been put on? Has he got a formal diagnosis or still being assessed? As his biological father you have parental responsibilty which means you are entitled to attend parents evenings,all school functions(even have a say as to which school he attends and you have a right to his medical history and information. If you are unsure you need to seek legal advice,and yes its not easy but if you have such strong concerns and you care enough for your son you will seek advice.

 

I am a mum,I have four children with my ex husband,I left him due to domestic abuse whilst pregnant with our fourth son. I always had concerns for our second son(Sam) and third son(Dan) Sam's behaviour deteriorated greatly after we left his father and so I went to the GP and then to a paed who diagnosed ASD and they took into account everything we had been through. The paediatricians are experienced and can differentiate between unsettled/confused behaviour and that of autism. It is not easy to diagnose thy process is complex and thorough. Your childs history from birth would have been taken into account,that includes behaviours that would have been present when he resisded with yourself.

 

Both my boys do behave differently in different settings the behaviour also varies depending on other changes and their mood. So what you may see and what his mum sees could be very different because of the setting,does not mean he does not have aspergers.

 

I have been going to court for a year now to sort out contact between my children and their father,he has become very vendictive and bitter since I met my current partner two years ago,we have been separated for five years now. He will not accept the diagoses of either boys and this makes Sam not want to see his father because he does not understand his needs. He has letters from educational psycologists,three paediatricians,dieticians,speech therapists and many more to prove they do indeed have ASD but he will not accept it.

 

My ex has made very hurtful allegations against me and my partner,hence the reason the court process has taken so long(they certainly do not favour mothers or else the matter would have been resolved 9months ago!) My children know who their father is and yes my youngest(4) did occasionally call my partner dad when our baby was born as he got confused when I say to her "there's daddy",perfectly normal as his own father was never really around for him,but he was corrected from the start and now he knows.

 

As I say I would get all the facts first,read up on aspergers(my ex heard autism and immediatley refused to hear anything as he only thought of the lower end of the spectrum) be as involved as you possibly can,if you not happy with contact fight for that to. Most important thing I can say is be very consistent,if you say you will be seeing him at 1pm be there 1pm not 1.05pm,that goes for any child aspegers or not.

[Kazzen161]

I agree with Justine - how he behaves at your house can differ from how he is at their's. When my ex and I split, T's behaviour deteriorated badly but we did not know he had AS then. Looking back, such big changes in his life just made the AS aspects more obvious. He was very confused and anxious. He used to spend a lot of time with his Dad fixing things (which was one of his obsessions) and then he no longer could. My ex did not have to get him to school in the mornings or get him to do his homework - he just used to let him do things that he liked doing when he was with him, so he didn't have any problems. We did start off by having family therapy and T had counselling, but it became obvious it was not just because his Dad had left, there was more to it.

 

My ex refused to accept there was anything wrong with our son (he even told the psychiatrist she was wrong), even though all the professionals, teachers and me agreed and he is a classic case of AS (does nearly everything you read about). My ex did finally accept it after about 10 years.

[trekster]

I agree with the others on here and it is something worth investigating, have you read up about Aspergers?

There are sections on the forums about seeking an adult diagnosis feel free to browse.

 

Welcome to the forum from an autistic moderator.

[darkshine]

can i get e mail confirmation of this message ??

 

You can set it up in the settings I believe - a moderator might look into this for exact instructions.

Edited January 3, 2013 by darkshine