Advice required

[LS2242]

Hi. I have not been on here for years as everything has been going brill. I am Trying to work out how I get through to my 12 yr old son that when he has done something wrong and has had a punishment (taken say his pc) it is not the fault of the person who has given the punishment. I have explained it until i am blue in the face but he doesn't understand at all. I can't get him to see reason and realise that he was in the wrong.

 

Any advice most welcome.

[Special_talent123]

Doesnt sound like.he understands.

 

Say for example someone says put toy away point at the toy and show whete to put it.

If he does not understand what he done wrong ssy what he has done and or another alternative is using visual cues and socisl stories

[trekster]

agree with st explanation for what he's done wrong have to be specific.

[LS2242]

He knows how to do what i asked of him but the part of the jigsaw he is missing ( time and time again ) is the reason why I have taken his computer off him. He see's himself as never at fault. He cant seem to connect the two things together even when I explain.

I take PC and he thinks it is acceptable to take my things (understand his logic but not the right way about things) This then escalates and cannot reason with him, distract him etc.. and he is then so angry he is unable to calm down.

 

I have used various different scenarios and examples when he is calm but to no avail.

Edited May 13, 2013 by LS2242

[oxgirl]

I would write it down for him, in very simple format:

 

- doing ............. is unacceptable/naughty behaviour (or whatever you want to say)

 

- If I do .........., I will be punished

 

- my punishment will be ................

 

- If I do not want my pc taken away I will not ..................

 

or something along similar lines (obviously personalize!)

 

Then, if he is doing whatever he isn't supposed to be, I would give him one very clear verbal warning, "if you do that again (or dont stop) I will .........." and then show him the written list. If he does it again or doesn't stop, then implement the punishment, whatever it is.

 

You could also then have a second sheet, something like:

 

- I did ...............................

 

- This is not acceptable behaviour or is naughty (or whatever you want to write)

 

- Because I did not stop .................... then my pc was taken away (or whatever happened)

 

- Next time, if I don't want my pc to be taken, I will not (or I will stop) .................................. when I am asked (blah blah).

 

Leave copies in his room or on the wall so he can refer to them.

 

Good luck.

 

~ Mel ~

[LS2242]

Thank you. I will definitely give that a go.

[Shnoing]

The way you have explained it, I wouldn't understand it either.

He has done something wrong.

 

You take away his computer. Why did you give him the computer in the first place? For having been good? Or as an instrument of support (e.g. to compensate for his hand-writing)?

 

I think he should do something "positive" to compensate for the wrongs he did, and if that takes time he'd normally spend at the computer, then it's his own fault.

But it has to be only a small step away from what he did.

 

If he associates "bad things" with you, you might at some point end up in the category of "people not to be trusted". From my own experience, that's pretty much a one-way thing.

[oxgirl]

It takes time and maturity to understand these concepts though. YOU have taken my computer, YOU are nasty, it's simple! He may just need more time to mature before he starts to associate HIMSELF in the bigger picture, i.e. I did this, it is MY fault it was taken away by YOU not YOUR fault that you took it. He has to be able to see his part in the equation. He will get there but is probably reluctant as well, because it is sometimes easier to blame others rather than taking responsibility ourselves for our own actions and their consequences - this is a hard lesson for all of us to learn.

 

~ Mel ~