adults living with autism your view.

[MARGOT10]

I hope you dont mind me asking ,my daughter has just been diagnoised.My daughters main problems lay in social interaction she wants friends but lacks the skills and understanding to do.

May i ask if anybody living with aspergers or other spectrum disorders if they have grown up lonely or did the skills come,have you married ,i know these questions sound ignorant on my part but i want to understand things from your point of view.What would of helped you more,is there anything you wish your parents did or did not do for.Please dont think iam in any way trying to be negative about the way you were raised i just want to understand the world she sees rather than do what feels right for me.

There are many other difficulties for my daughter she is only 5 so we time,but i would like her to have friendships that are based on a two way street and not just on her terms.many thanks if you can respond this is not the end of the world ,but it is the start of another for me and my family in the fact that we have to learn how to teach her.

[TuX]

MARGOT10,it is very possible your daughter will have friends,all she would need to do is to meet the right person,and making friendships is a bit 'trial and error'.

ASD does make it very difficult,but not impossible providing the other person isn't ignorant and prejudiced towards your daughters behavior.

If a person doesn't want to be your daughters friend,because of the way she acts,then they aren't worth knowing.

 

I think if your daughter can meet someone who is understanding,with the same interests,it will help,even as an adult it is far better to have one proper friend than a group of associates who she wouldn't have anything in common with.

 

Socialising can get easier as the years go by,she might learn phrases to say to other people which she wouldn't usually have used,it might be slightly more easier for her,as she is diagnosed,and has a supportive family.

I didn't know how to act/behave etc with other people until a pysch. taught me social skills when i was 19,but that was due to being undiagnosed,your daughter has a good chance in life being diagnosed before school age.

 

As for marriage/relationships,that isn't one for me to know of,but it looks very possible indeed,if you go to google.co.uk and search for aspergers syndrome marriages sift through the sites to look for accounts of marriage and AS.

I think Bill Gates is married,and he is said to have mild AS.

[hollymg]

My son is only 5 but the way I see it I just have to help him through the tough school years because it is my belief (and what I've heard from others) that once he is older and goes off to college etc it gets much easier because he will find peers who are passionate about the same things he is, and he will find friends with more common ground.

 

His preschool director said she believes her now-adult son would have been diagnosed with Aspergers if the times were different, and that he made it through high school by doing things like swim team where he could be with other kids and part of the team, but working and competing individually. Now he is an engineer with Boeing and doing quite well.

 

And BTW yes Bill Gates is married and has children. They say silicon valley is the Aspies paradise LOL.

 

Everyone is different and I know there are tough times ahead, but I have a very optimistic outlook on the long-term view.

[MARGOT10]

Thankyou very much for your time.Is it not funny how the mind works all these things I did not think of going through assessments now there is all these questions I want ansers to.

[oracle]

I think that it is important to remember that our children may not desire for themselves what we feel they should be aiming for? Hope that makes sense?

 

It was not until my now 18 year old AS son confronted me one day and asked me why I thought I knew best what he wanted, that I realised that I did not.

 

The best you can do is equipt your children with the skills needed to live an independant good quality life. This may or may not involve friends or husbands and wives. I have some adults friends with AS who quite happily live alone and others who have many friends and an active social life. But it is important, I believe, to remember that as they grow up our aims may well not be their's?

 

Carole

[ceecee]

Just wanted to say that some people with aspergers dont want to get married have friends etc they are quite happy on their own..However I have mild aspergers love my own company but will talk to all and sundry at the school etc.I am happily married with two children.I do get lonely sometimes although not often but I do miss people.It all depends on the individual.I didnt have loads of friends at school but I had some but when I come home I just wanted to do my own thing.Hope this makes sense.At the end of the day as long as your child is happy.

Edited December 3, 2005 by ceecee

[punky]

I also used to get upset when I saw my son playing on his own in the playground wafting his hands in his face, until someone at my support group suggested that he was happy doing that, and he was and I have not worried since and now hes a bit older he plays sometimes with children at school and then needs his time on his own to play his odd games, so when he feels like being very autistic I just let him be, he seems to need it sometimes. And at home he has his own room now so he can do that when he needs to, dont worry.

[MARGOT10]

My daughter is very sociable or wants to be she just wants it on her terms,the school observation saiid she was playing with one friend but she pulling her along by the arms.the one good friend she has though is romanian so has an accent,after a while she will say mummy can you tell friend to go home her voice is making my head hurt and feel sick.Is this common

[oracle]

My son often asks for his friends to leave and I actually think that this is good I think that it is good because he knows when he has had enough and that means he is tuning into himself. Does that make any sense?

 

The other evening he had just been given a new DVD from my eldest son. He asked if he could watch it . A few minutes into the film our neighbours daughter called to ask him to go and play in her house. His dad said that he was watching a film and asked if she would like to come in but Matthew shouted no! Now maybe that sounded rude but if he is watching something he really wants to see he can not cope with distractions and they upset him. I respected his wishes because I did not see them as being rude, just as something that Matthew needed to do at the time.

 

I have found that if we go with Matthew when he feels like this then it avoids tantrums.

 

Carole

[Tally]

I'm a 24-yr-old with Aspergers.

 

I am married to a man who has some Asperger traits, but has not not sought diagnosis. He respects my need to be alone sometimes, as he has the same need. When I cannot explain how I am feeling, he doesn't press me, just calmly waits for me to work it out. I don't think it could have worked with someone who wasn't so accepting of difference. He doesn't pressure me to attend social functions (well . . . only sometimes). He doesn't get upset if I come out with some rude comment, or behave strangely - I have a habit or staring at the ceiling if there is too much noise, concentrating on cobwebs helps me to shut some of it out.

 

I don't have many friends, but I do not feel lonely. After a day at work, I actually need to be alone for a bit. I do chat to the people I work with, and I get on well with them. One of my colleagues offered to help me with a difficult situation, so I feel that she is someone I could turn to.

 

I do not want to have children. I don't know if this is because of the AS, or just the way I am. This doesn't make me unhappy though.

 

My dad almost certainly has AS too. He has been married for 30 years now (happily too). He has 2 children, and has had a successful career. He has many friends from work. I don't know if they are friends because they have work in common, or if it is deeper than that, but he chats away to them when he sees them, and does not seem lonely in any way. He does behave strangely sometimes, and my mum gets embarrassed sometimes, but people say, "oh, that's just Bill," and don't bat an eyelid most of the time. He has found change hard to adapt to, but he has managed. He's not exactly led a conventional life, but the important thing is that he is happy with it.

[ceecee]

Tally Thanks for your interesing posting.I too have aspergers but very mildly.So much of what you say is like me.I am quite happy to chat to people at work or at my daughters school etc, in fact I like it but when I come home I need my own time.I dont get lonely really perhaps very ocasionally.My husband is usually very supportive too.I have only just realised I had aspergers so its a bit of a new thing.I also have ocd which i have known about for ages..I believe my father has apergers too but in contrast to your Dad was not able to build relationships with anyone I havent seen him since I was three years old.He is an alcoholic I think because of the aspergers.It is interesting yousay you dont want children.I have two children and am happy I chose to have them.My father on the other hand should never of had children.He has noconcept of how to be a father, because of his aspergers.He cant seem to keep in contact with anyone, he is very controlling and his own need and obsessions appear to come first.

Edited December 3, 2005 by ceecee

[MARGOT10]

Thankyou very much for your experiances,especially those with As.As i have said i have read alot on autism and aspergers since my daughter was 3 but all that i have read it feels as if i know nothing.One thing that threw me is my daughter is very cuddly and loves her hugs and kisses,but the other day i was having a cry due to abit of fear for her future,financial general life stuff and my daughter asked if i was upset she then said look leah [sISTER} mums crying she got tears,but no hug.I started crying because she had to ask me if i was upset she didnt seem to link tears to the emotion.I suppose i have alot to learn but now the shock is down,i dont care she is on the spectrum just want to get her the help she will need.with love to all for your help

[TuX]

Thankyou very much for your experiances,especially those with As.As i have said i have read alot on autism and aspergers since my daughter was 3 but all that i have read it feels as if i know nothing.One thing that threw me is my daughter is very cuddly and loves her hugs and kisses,but the other day i was having a cry due to abit of fear for her future,financial general life stuff and my daughter asked if i was upset she then said look leah [sISTER} mums crying she got tears,but no hug.I started crying because she had to ask me if i was upset she didnt seem to link tears to the emotion.I suppose i have alot to learn but now the shock is down,i dont care she is on the spectrum just want to get her the help she will need.with love to all for your help

MARG0T,there isn't really a definite way to tell what your daughter will be like at when she is an adult,as there is so many differences between ASDers.

Generally,the knowing what to say part of socialising,can improve over the years,but it can help getting to know someone with the same interests,in teenage/adulthood,if she is interested in finding someone with same interests,forums are a great start,and they can improve knowing how to speak to people a little better.