Should I let him play out?

[blue]

Hi all,

 

Desperate for advise over Joseph playing out!

 

He has now the whole village (just about) and children coming from surrounding villages coming to beat him up.

 

My friend had to come and get me yesterday as there was 20 of them waiting for Joseph outside her house. She said that their mums and dads were even dropping them off! The other day he had to hide in bushes because there were a group of children after him....he came home sweating buckets because he ran that fast.

I also caught a kid at his bedroom window (we live in a bungalow) shouting at him he was going to "kick his head in".

 

The reason why I am struggling as to know what to do is because I know Joseph pushes people to the limit. He thinks NOTHING of saying things that are hurtful.....but he cant see he is wrong because he'll just say "well it's true mum"

The kid who was at the window Joe had called a fat faggot. When I told him it was wrong to say that he just said "well it's true!"

 

He loves to go out even though he comes home with an incident happening everytime. He dosent learn from his mistakes.......and he dosent seem to get bothered by the bullying....even though it would push other children to breaking point!

 

I cant expect other children to take no notice of what Joe say's...it's hard for us as his family to do it.....but we just about manage it. I cant go to every parent in the village and say what problems Joe has.....I've tried with a couple but I get a very negative responce.

Joseph dosent want me to go out with him either....and I see it as he's being punished if I keep him in. I know that one day they are going to seriously hurt him...the older Joe is getting...the worse the repercussions!

 

Please advise anyone

 

Lisa x

[lynyona]

hi sorry havent got any advice for you just my own experience.Kieran is 19 now and from being about 10 or 11 i couldnt let him out as he wondered away so had to keep him in the confines of our garden where i could see him as he got older 12 13 i kept him in mainkly because he gets very confrontational saying what he means offending or not,and this day and age you canot go around saying insulting things to people without getting into confrontations and affray even though he doesnt know any better,kieran never ever leaves the house now he is in 24/7 i tell a lie once a fortnight when he gets his money and then we go straight to town he gets what he wants and straight home again he doesnt visit his friends house he always comes here ,i believe he as mild agrophobia but only because of his fear of the great world outside which sometimes he takes to paranoia, maybe ifid have been able to encopurage him to go out more when he was younger we might not have had theses problems but i cant say but at the end of the day you have to do what we think is in their best interest hope sosme one can help more with your plight. lynn

[nellie]

Lisa,

 

I understand and sympathise with your predicament.

 

My thoughts - if in doubt don't let him out. You have said yourself that one day they are going to seriously hurt him. He's vulnerable and at risk. He's unlikely to learn social skills by just being with his peers, he's more likely to learn inappropriate behaviour which once learnt is difficult to unlearn.

 

Saying all that it's probably going to be very difficult to keep him from venturing outside. I don't have a lot of experience with this, my son never wanted to go outside to play unless it was in the privacy of his own back garden which we are lucky enough to have.

 

Hopefully someone with more experience will be able to help.

 

Good luck

 

Nellie xx

[hev]

sorry to hear what you both are going through,it must be awful,steve is 11 and confrontational,where we live now he doesnt want to go out which to be honest is a blessing,i dont think its right your son has all those people after him,i was gonna say get the police involved but it will happen again when your son goes out wont it,i would try to keep him in but thats a whole other battle isent it,good luck though

[oracle]

This is so difficult I know. My eldest now 18 never wanted to play out but Matthew aged 8 wants to be out all of the time. This summer is proving to be a real eye opener and also a nightmare. He is having HUGE problems with interactions with the others. He cannot understand the rules of play and is forever screaming at them that they are telling lies and being nasty to him. He 'was' also hitting out and I was bringing him in kicking and screaming. I have just about got it through that he is not to hit out and that he will end up with the Police being called - sad but it could happen - so now he comes in sceraming for me to go out and tell them all what to do I am telling him that I can not go out and tell other people's children how to behave and he then screams but you wont let me do it - who is allowed to tell them all?

 

The problem is not the other children it's Matthew and his inability to understand but I appear not to be getting through to him. His agression levels are rising daily and I end up praying for rain, because it is easy to say well keep just keep him in, when he then goes about kicking my doors in because I will not let him out

 

I feel for him very much as I feel for you Lisa because I feel that we are both pretty much in a no win situation. Matthew nevers learns from his mistakes but that is because he does not realise that he is making any mistakes. It is always the other kids who are in the wrong. At the moment I can just about keep the lid on this but I doubt it will be as easy when he is a couple of years older?

 

As for the kids in your villiage no matter how much in the wrong your son appears to be he has a reason for his behaviour. What they are doing could trun into mob rule if you are not careful. Do you have Community Policemen that you could speak to and would your son listen to them, even if he does not understand them? Sounds stupid I know but Matthew knows and accepts for now, that Policemen make people stick to the law. He tells me that the laws are stupid but I tell him I have no power to change them - so again for now he will stop if he thinks he is breaking the law. It is such a difficult situation and I can not wait for the school's to re-open.

 

Carole

[blue]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the replies.

 

I have involved the police......but it's difficult for them to do much!

 

He so desperatley wants to play out......even with the prospect of getting a punch. I try and keep him in....but he has bounds of energy! He just takes it so personally....he cant see why I wont let him....he justifies everything he does. Then it's me that's the horrible one...and he wishes he was dead......and he hates me.

 

So I way up the odds...and even though he gets bullied...I think at least he seems to be happier.

 

It is so difficult.......I dont think I can win either way.

 

Lisa

[helenl53]

Hi Lisa

 

Contact Barnardos - they do a Play for All type thing and they may be able to guide you to some play scheme that would be suitable.

 

www.barbardos.org.uk

 

There may be some activities that they can help you with which would allow him to go out but would have structure which would hopefully avoid him getting into these situations.

 

Hope this helps - if not ask NAS if they know of any schemes in your area. We have one called Coping with Chaos run by someone who is affiliated with the NAS and they run activities on every day of the holidays.

 

Best wishes

 

HelenL

[helenl53]

Sorry Lisa - that should have been barnardos

[MARGOT10]

Hi we live an area where the kids play out,my youngest is autistic and not very socially aware as in what you say and dont say she will also repeat what she has heard.I got the kids together they all play by my house and explained my daughter has something wrong with her and that she may say horrible things and that if she did come and tell me and i will discipline her.the kids have been good with her and ignore the bad,but look out for her as well.

I do belive that most parents raise their kids to be aware that we are not all the same and sometimes you have to make allowences.when the kids know rather than condem your child they will look out.my daughter is quite physical and invades space.but so far so good the kids have been fine.Our children do need the freedom and experiances of all other children,I know how you feel I dont want to send my daughter back to school cos she is not accepted by the children there.

[oracle]

The parents where we live all know about Matthew and are all VERY understanding until Matthew has a full scale meltdown where they can all see and hear him.

 

But as children get older they make their own minds up and can not be forced to play with kids they do not want to play with. At the moment if Matthew is to OTT they simply walk away and will not play with him for a couple of hours. But I already know that within a year or two they will stop playing with him because he is too much like hard work for them and they will not understand. It is very sad but I can also see it from their point of view.

 

There is no easy solution.

 

Carole

[MARGOT10]

You just hit the nail on the head why i dont want to send daughter back to school.My daughter can be nasty the kids at school run away from her.my daughter is only five so maybe her behavior is not condemed so much yet cos of her age.I got to say as much as love my child i can understand to why children and adults dont want to be around her.Iam sorry i cant say much to help but i 100per cent understand what you are saying.Iam not getting any help or guidence on how to improve daughters social skills and i cant get through to her,iam scared for her.with love and a hug cos i understand.

[blue]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for all your replies!

 

After another bad day yesterday....I am pondering whether to phone the social services.....eeeeekkkkkk!!!!

 

My daughter took Joe babmington with her....just to give him a break from the other kids.....she came home crying...saying never again. I dont blame her either.....he followed in behind her saying the most awful things and he was hitting kids there and making a nuisance of himself.

He was in a football team...but they kicked him out for being so ill behaved as they call it. When I told them what was wrong they just said that they wernt specialists and couldnt cope. The same happened at Rugby.....they wouldnt allow him there either.

I wish he didnt want to join in with other kids sometimes...I know thats wrong...but it would be so much easier, because no matter how many times you try and tell him.....he just cant seem to see it!

 

It was a lot easier when he was younger...you find younger kids more tolerant...it gets harder as he's getting older.

 

He's ten this year and we have ONLY JUST been diagnosed after years of pushing....and he has been diagnosed with 4 different things.......yet they wont see me again til October

 

I shall contact Bernardos also.......please...beam me up scotty!

 

Lisa x

[pleasehelp]

Hi Blue,

I'm in a similar position only not quite so drastic. I do let my oldest dx play out but only very close to home within calling in and referreeing distance to try to stop things getting out of hand. I do know not everyone has had fantastic experiences of social services input but it has to be worth a try to maybe get him a trained 'play partner' who has experience of his difficulties or some other kind of help to allow him to do some activities during holidays and things at least. The service you get will vary from place to place but I'm at the point of asking for help during holidays because altho my oldest is at residential I still cant take on a proper job because we are still over a barrel during holidays in particular-he's not the sort of child you could expect the average childminder to cope with whatsoever you see-the point is they should be able to provide you with some help even if its only some respite tho i realise not nearly enough is being offered to enough families in our situations if we dont ask we definitely wont get.

[BuntyB]

Have you asked whether there is a Social Skillls course near you? We have two running in the Bradford area, we also have specialist youth club for ASD and help with behavioural problems.

 

My daughter isn't aggresive, thankfully, but she does drive people away with what she says and how she acts. Unfortunately I did the same myself and at the time I couldn't understand why nobody liked me!

 

I do tell my kids that if they want friends, they have to learn the dos and don'ts even if it makes no sense to them, although I can appreciate that if your son doesn't care about the bullying, this will be a hard lesson for him to learn.