As predicted, Ben hates school.

[Viper]

HI.

 

Ben went yesterday and had to be dragged away screaming. He came out looking happy but as soon as he got home he stripped down to his boxers to get away from his uniform. He said he isn't going anymore.

 

This morning he refused to get dressed. We eventually persuaded him into his uniform and he went to school but when we got near the class he refused to walk so I had to carry him, his teacher took him, screaming again.

 

I don't know how long I can manage to get him there, I have to walk as hubby goes to work earlier than we leave. He is only going for two hours this week. What will happen next week?

 

I have physical symptoms of stress, stomach pains that I get when in these situations and my psoriasis has flaired up.

 

What damage is this doing to my baby?

 

Viper.

[TylersMum]

Oh Viper, I don't know what to say <'>

 

Poor Ben, and poor you. Not sure I've got an constructive advice to give you but I was terrified the same thing would happen when Tyler started school yesterday.

 

Is there an option to 'befriend' one of the other kids outside of school so Ben might be more inclined to go there, if only to meet his new friend?

 

Is there anything he particularly likes, a special toy or something that he could take with him, or maybe get him some school things (pencils etc) with his favourite character on, but make it clear he can only have them at school?

 

These ideas are probably worthless but if Tyler had hated school then I may well have tried them.

 

Could you stay with him for a while, maybe an hour, then leave him alone for an hour, then each day gradually reduce the time you are there? I know with my kids they would play up if I was there and within seconds of me leaving the room would be playing nicely and behaving beautifully.

 

School ultimately makes them more independent, and they need that to grow as people. You are doing the right thing, taking him back there, but imagine its breaking your heart too.

 

Keep your chin up, and do what you have to do.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[Corcaigh]

Viper, how does he react to treats? My son goes through very similar stages from time to time, and promising him treats and/or giving him tokens that he can exchange for money usually works like a dream (of course, not 100% of times).

Give him a schedule, prepare it together with him, with lots of coloured pictured and drawings (he gets to colour the pictures if he likes), maybe add a fancy sticker for every task he gets right in the morning (e.g. brush your teeth, put on your clothes or let mum do it, walk into school without throwing tantrums, etc) then promise him a treat if the morning goes rather smoothly (within limits, of course, don't ask unrealistic expectations, and the teachers shoould not ask either).

Maybe you did all these things already, but try them again...

Another good tip could be that he sees you in good terms with the teacher. Agree with her/him to stop a few minutes to chat in front of your son every morning, talk about the weather, whatever, normal small talk, so he can see that school is a perfectly normal place to be (or at least give him this illusion ).

 

Good luck anyway, I have been though it as well, I can anly say that it WILL get better <'>

 

And, BTW, I turned 40 two months ago and I am VERY young Look at me getting a degree now! Life does start at 40, chin up

 

<'>

[Tylers-mum]

<'> <'> <'> Viper.

 

My son doesn't start school until tomorrow and thankfully, he is looking forward to it BUT it's a new classroom, new structure, new kids etc. Thankfully, he has the same teacher and same LSA! So only time will tell.

 

I'm sorry about Ben, you must be really pulling your hair out! Is it worth a try sending him in without his uniform on?? Let him where his normal home clothes so that he has that familiarity around him. He may be stressed moreso b/c he has new clothes on, in a new environment etc and nothing that reminds him of home. KWIM??? I'd send him in tomorrow in his normal clothes that maybe he could choose, and see how the day pans out. Ifthe school is strictly uniform, then run the idea by the school today. What can you loose by trying?

 

HTH's Viper but know that as he gets used to the structure and routine of school, he'll thrive I'm sure! I think that's why Tyler enjoys it there so much! LOL

 

Thinking of you and let us know how it goes ok. <'>

[mossgrove]

Viper

 

I didn't share our experiences of last week and early this week becuse I didn't want to spread unnecessary alarm amongst parents whose children are going back to school. Now things are improving, I feel safe to post.

 

Our two eldest boys started at special school last Thusday. Our 7 yearold has taken to it really well.

 

Our 5 year old on the other hand hated it. he did everything Ben has done and probably more. Running to his bedroom and getting undressed 3 times in the run-up to the taxi arriving, crying, screaming, kicking, punching. You name it. When he got into school he resisted going into his classroom and curled into a little ball rather than talk to anyone. He has never attended school regularly before.

 

We only got him there when my partner drove him there herself and forcibly carryied him into school. It has been an incredibly traumatic few days for all concerned. I do know what you are going through right now.We reached the point after taking him in yesterday where we were considering withdrawing him from school if things did not improve.

 

The good news is that it is getting better. We have established from speaking to him when calmer that he is incredibly stressed by not knowing where he is and by being separated from his brother and his parents. We have explained things as best as we can.

 

As the headmistress explained to us, a lot of children with autism become vaery stressed in the new environment and initially struggle to adapt to the new regime. Many children will react by attempting to (re) establish control, hence the challenging behaviours. When the realise that going to school is the new routine and bad behaviour won't change it, then they start to adapt to the regime and things begin to improve.

 

This morning he got into the Taxi willingly with the escort, and got out of it and went into his class without creating a fuss. It would be going too far to say he was enthusiastic, but he wasn't resisting or unduly upset and he does seem to be adjusting, so there are signs that he has turned the corner.

 

From speaking to teachers, other parents, the escort etc. it is apparently quite common for children to have issues like this in the early days, but the do go on to settle in and enjoy school, so we are hanging on in there.

 

You are going to be in for a bumpy ride with Ben for the next few days, you need to have faith that it will get better, even if it seems as bad as it possibly can be right now.

 

Let us know how you get on, I'll be thinking of you.

 

Simon

Edited September 6, 2005 by mossgrove

[Guest flutter]

<'> <'> <'>

for viper and simon

cant say anything else that would be helpful sorry

[nellie]

Viper and Simon and all other parents going through this trauma <'> <'>

 

I agree with Simon, to a point. You can never tell if your child will settle without giving it a chance, but where do you draw the line, at what point to you say enough is enough? Having been in this situation, I don't envy any parent that decision.

 

My thoughts are with you.

 

Nellie <'>

[oracle]

Have to agree with Nellie here and was not going to post because posting negatives does not really help. My David never got used to the situation and never improved. That's why I took Matthew out as soon as the cracks began to appear. You do have to give things a try up to a point. It's knowing when that point has arrived that's difficult?

 

thinking of you

 

Carole <'>

[forbsay]

Hi Viper and your wee boy,

 

I am thinking of you both.

 

Take care

 

xx

[barefoot wend]

Viper and Simon

 

I was very relieved to read your posts. Silence is eerie.

 

I feel so much for all of you at the moment - and your children. School can be so hard to get used to. I went through similar problems with my thirteen year old when he started and I know how traumatic and downright horrible it all is.

 

I have recently taken my son out of school but I am pleased that he went - especially that he has some happy memories of what he achieved whilst he went - two residential school trips and some understanding peers who encouraged and welcomed him.

 

It's a very individual and personal choice as to how long you battle and, hopefully, succeed with school.

 

I wish you all the very best during these trying 'teething' days and know you will all do a fantastic job!

 

Keep posting.

 

Barefoot

[lil_me]

<'> from a Mum who's son wants to QUIT as he puts it, school on the first day, he also flung his uniform and shoes and had the same problems getting him there this morning

[call me jaded]

My NT four year old did this to me on his second day last year. I was totally unprepared as he was fine after the first day. It was as if he'd 'done' school and didn't need to do it again.

 

Day two I had to pull his uniform on and strap him into the car whilst he cried all the way, very loudly. Then I had to carry him across the playground (we were a little late) and just hand him over as he was hitting my face and scratching me. Very out of character for him.

 

By day three he made a protest about the uniform, but was fine when he got there. Further token protests for about a week.

 

One of his fellow pupils cried every single day until Christmas. It was the same with my daughter's class one of her classmates cried every single day for the first term.

 

I think some children are just not emotionally ready. My son is quite young for his age in some ways - he took forever to toilet train, for example. He doesn't want to go into the Reception class because 'they watch scary things in there'. During wet playtime they put on 'scary' DVDs such as Shark's Tale.

 

The school were brilliant about not putting any pressure on parent or child and being really patient. They tell me there is usually one pupil in every Nursery class who really struggles with separation.

 

So I'm posting this to let you know that it is not as unusual as you may think it is.

 

Hope it works out for you soon.

[baddad]

Hi Viper -

<'>

Nothing practical (other than echoing some of the excellent suggestions already posted) to offer, but would reassure you that this is not all that unusual...

In any reception there's always at least one or two kids who find it really difficult: I rememeber when Ben first started there was one little girl (NT - so it's not just 'us and ours!') who had to be peeled off her mother every day for months! No lasting damage, apart from her nervous twitch and bedwetting (that's the mother, by the way ).

Seriously, the little girl is now quite happy with school - well, as happy as any eight year old - It just took her a little while to realise that the things she was missing weren't quite as important as she thought once friends and playtimes were taken into the equation.

Doesn't help NOW, I know, but in six months time you'll be laughing about it, I'm sure...

Very best

BD <'>