Explaining AS in Dad to the children

[Delyth]

Hello

 

We are in the process of discovering all about AS and it's impact on our family as my partner is undergoing diagnosis for the syndrome. Because of our difficulties, he has moved out of our family home for the time being.

 

I can just about manage to explain it to our 16 year old, but am struggling to come up with an appropriate explanation for the younger children - ages 4 and 6. Have avoided it so far but it won't be long before "Mummy and Daddy find it hard to talk" won't be enough.

They are bright and caring kids but it all seems too complicated some how with no easy and readily accessible answers.

We have yet to tell his parents too, but that's another story.

 

Wondered if there are any helpful anecdotes related to this situation or if anyone has used any good books as general guidance.

 

Thanks

 

Delyth

[Delyth]

Hmmmm....

 

Looks like I am in the wrong place.

 

Or perhaps I will have to write my own.

[bid]

Sorry, Delyth...I'll bump your thread to see if that helps.

 

I'm afraid I can't really help, as although my dad has AS, his dx has come rather late for him and me (he's 76 and I'm coming up for 40)!!

 

I hope someone else can reply.

 

Bid

[DaisyProudfoot]

Hi Delyth,

 

Sorry to hear your family is going through a hard time - understanding AS is hard enough at the best of times, all I can think of is that your hubby and you must have had something there when you first got married and just because he has AS doesn't mean he is a different person.

 

Remember if your husband is only just discovering he has AS he too will be finding it hard to deal with, although in the long run a dx will probably benefit him greatly. On the whole AS people don't have a wide circle of friends and are very choosy about those they do allow into their lives. If he has chosen to spend his life with you he probably regards you as his best friend, his trust and loyalty will have been expended on you and he expects that in return (I know my husband does!).

 

Was it a mutual decision that you separate or did he leave of his own volition? Sometimes AS people can appear to be selfish, but a fear of rejection can cause them to alienate themselves on purpose. I was told by my AS son's psychologist that Martin's aggression is because he wishes to push people away because then he doesn't have to cope with the confusion of social conflict and this is also why he buries himself in his computer.

 

You won't be able to talk to your hubby about his feelings because emotion is something AS people have difficulty with and naturally with his diagnosis will come the concern that your children may have AS too.

 

If you have trouble talking to your husband then get involved with his current interest, I find it a lot easier to talk to my AS son if he is absorbed in his interest at the same time and he can see things from that angle.

 

The fact that you've posted your concerns means you are not happy with this separation. As to telling the younger ones - they wouldn't understand even if you did try to explain AS to them. Adults have a hard enough time!!

 

If you haven't read Tony Attwood's book "A guide for parents and professionals" it may be worth purchasing a copy and you can access his website for lots of helpful advice at:

 

www.tonyattwood.com.au

 

He's kinda the top man in ASD

(Moderators: Can I do that - it's not a publicity thing is it?)

 

I'm fairly new to the AS thing myself so I'm only looking at things from an onlooker's point of view really. Perhaps if one of our resident autistics read this they may be able to give you their help - it may be useful for your husband's view.

 

Also - direct him to this forum, it may help him too.

 

Hope this helps a bit,

 

Daisy

 

<'> <'>

[Delyth]

Thanks Bid and Daisy

 

Your comments are much appreciated.

I will be able to take on board some of your suggestions.

Thanks for trying - I value your responses.

 

Delyth

[streamdreams]

Your husband is not the only one find out about this, I my self only recently found out as a result of my kids having problems, I was 37 at the time. Fortunately for us in Holland we were treated as a family, so 3 of us gat a diagnosis at the same time, took a long time though.

 

What can a I say from the male perspective? If you high functioning then it devastating. The first reaction is relief , you always knew something is not right, and not you got it. The kids are going to be OK because there are interventions and help available. Then at some point you say � what about me� ? for most there is nothing. Besides every one is thing about the kids right.

 

One of the reasons that families are treated as a unit in Holland is that what affect the parent affect the kids. Late diagnosis, particularly in men, can lead the crashes in self confidence and self esteem, chronic guilt, depression, and depending on history pros traumatic stress disorder.

 

I know it not right , I know its not fair. I was the one running down the road one night screaming �God so this is part of the plan but why does it have be this way, why is net there another way? why me?� We had had an argument , and I hand no idea how it started , and frankly not much of a clue what is had been about.

 

As for the kids , there are several good books around the help siblings learn about AS , they should help the learn about dad.

 

As for your self, it is very hard to know what to say. Give you self a big hug. It?s not your fault. It does get better, my wife and I now are beginning to recognize in advance the types of event that could trigger an argument before hand. We don?t get it right every time , but it?s better that is had ever been. It?s also easer to forgive and to say sorry because we know the real cause is not personal, it?s dysfunction.

 

If dad wants to talk, I am happy to listen, if he come to the forum , he will find he far from alone

 

J

[Zemanski]

when Com was diagnosed Dot was about 6 and not quite ready for full explanations but we talked about differences between her brother and other boys and emphasised how some differences in her brother were really good but others he found difficult to cope with.

 

it was a starting point and we just moved on as she was ready to understand more and began to ask questions

 

your kids' dad is still the person they know and love, adding a label doesn't change that, but understanding that he needs time to learn about his own differences and how to cope with them should help everybody. Because they already know him and accept him as he is, this may be easier for them than for you - their experience of fathers is all about him, they don't have other models to compare him with yet.

 

hope it goes well - the early days can be very tough, try to go easy on yourself a bit

 

Zemanski

[mel]

Hi delyth,

 

I cant offer any advice on how to tell your children but my other (better LOL) half has AS. all i can say is that he is the same man now as the one you met and married. i hope you sort out your difficulties <'> to you all and, like the others say, perhaps you should send him to this site too. its a great site

 

best wishes.

[Delyth]

Thanks all -

 

I wish he would come to this site.

It is a great place and has given me much strength over the past few months just through reading all your stories.

Will encourage him again.

He misunderstands lots of things (!) and fails to recognose the connections half the time so after one visit here he thought it wasn't appropriate.

 

But that was a while ago, so maybe he could try again.

 

Will try and answer the kiddies as and when they ask questions...they don't really seem to want to know anything more at the moment, I was getting prepared.

 

Having just written that, I am not sure what to make of their lack of questions actually come to think about it...

 

Oh well, more to ponder.

 

Thanks again all

 

Delyth