T returning to old ways

[Hectorshouse]

... T's new school have been nothing less than fantastic, they seem to face so much of what T does with a sense of humour and understanding that this is early days.

 

... Me however, I am reading his home/school book and slowly watching unfold T acting in exactly the same way he was before - swearing, complete oppositional defiance, derupting lessons, destroying his work, etc etc ... This is not due to the way the school are handling him, his TA's are absolutely superb, his SENCO is worth her weight in gold, but T is pushing and pushing.

 

... He wouldn't swear in front of me or his nan, he does know what he is doing in this department, its like a return of an old T that wasn't very pleasant, only before I knew why he was like this ... or maybe I had my tinted specs on before, only I do know that the new school are currently bending over backwards, sideways and every which way but wednesday to help him, but he is becoming like some spoilt oik that will only do what 'he' wants.

 

... I'm so sad, I feel that everything has been put in place for him support, understanding etc ... and yet he still reverts to behaviour that he does know caused so many problems before. Had he behaved like he is now is Cornwall he would've been excluded by now. I became a mean Mummy today, I excluded him from school today, saying that if he felt that this was an appropriate way to act in school then he would stay at home with me, you can imagine the screaming abdabs, but I can see the placement slipping away day by day. I am being terribly mean or should I just let his behaviour escalate, I have seen this so many times before, I don't know whether it is a control thing for him even though it goes against what he wants which is to go to school or whether it is just an inability to cope in school.

 

Have I been an evil mum?

 

HHxx

[virtualvisual]

No HH you're not being a bad mum you are trying to teach him one of the hardest lessons, that no matter what problems you might have, doing something wrong that is within your abilities not to do will have consequences. ASD is not a passport to being able to dodge things you don't want to do and behave how you like.

I wonder if he is testing the boundries of just how far he can push the school and staff?

 

The experts are already typing their responses cos I can hear the manic typing going on

[Zemanski]

T probably needs to be in control

 

many AS people seem to become more and more controlling, particularly when they have just begun to settle into a new situation.

 

try thinking of it this way

 

if you think of a day as a pie chart split into the predictable and the unpredictable, most NTs wil have 90% predictability because the can figure out how the world works with all those mind reading skills pretty effectively. Their core is pretty stable and controllable to a high degree, it takes quite a lot to rock that level of stability.

 

For an AS kid they can't figure out so much, they probably can't predict more than about 10% of their day so this is probably all the stability they have and it takes very little to rock the boat quite seriously.

 

an NT person probably couldn't cope with that level of instability at all!

 

feeling in control helps extend that slice of the pie chart so demanding to do what he wants on his terms is probably T's way of trying to increase it. It is nothing to do with being spoilt, it is all about needing to be able to predict what's going to happen in his life and protect and extend his core stability which is what he relies on to keep his anxiety under control.

 

if you can help him find ways to be in control without the disruption and upset you may find he relaxes

 

hope that helps

 

Zemanski

[Hectorshouse]

Thanks Vv and Z anything helps.

 

I felt really mean writing that he was acting spoilt, I know its not really what I mean but trying to find the right words for it I suppose to others it appears spoilt or non-compliant or just down right irritating. I suppose this is where the social skills are really presenting problems ... I don't know where he gets his stubborness from or determination

 

T has such a level of perfectionism that he aspires too but is also unable to deliver (ie. with his written work/drawing etc ) due to his dyspraxia etc, that he ends up being his own worst critic, this usually ends up in the ripping work up etc, then he moves on to all the usual avoidance tactics that disruption allows for ... my little performing maestro. The school genuinely care for him and want him to do well, which of course so do I, but it is so sad to see him using the controlling tactics he used before that caused him so much trouble. He has such a fear of failure that he won't risk doing something in case its wrong, if he has choices he is so worried that he is going to make the wrong choice, all these anxieties have increased with him going back to school, obviously when he was at home with me these things weren't a worry and could help him with his choices, the school do try to do this but its not the same as mum is it?

 

When I consider his perfectionism to my own, I understand where he is coming from but I don't have the problems in accessing learning that T has, I have rages when I am not in control, but as I have become older have learnt (probably the hard way) how to minimise this, although I do still lash out verbally at my long suffering partner when I am in one of these, fortunately he's still here and does understand. But back to perfectionism ... for me I aspire to it and also push myself towards it in what I do, I do get frustrated but become tenacious as opposed to T's way. I gain control by doing it, T gains control by avoiding it, if that makes sense ... each to their own I suppose.

 

I didn't want for today to be a punative measure, its a time out episode, time to reflect take stock and dig out the social stories ... T can experience success but he's so afraid he won't that he doesn't ... making any sense? I love my little boy to bits, but the return to avoidance tactics and manipulation is very sad, as I also know this isn't really T.

 

HHxx

[Zemanski]

Com had problems with 'a marked sensitivity to failure' and still does.

 

in Y1 he would not write at all

 

the way we got round this one was that all marking of work was stopped, no marks were put on his paper except a positive comment at the end, not criticism of anything he produced was allowed however constructive, only positive comments and stickers, any work completed was highly praised and always rewarded. No targets for improvement were given to him, only things he was aleady achieving

 

it worked; Com now completes work and does so to a pretty high standard in spite of his dyspraxia. He still has a pretty poor response to critcism and hates having his spelling corrected (he isn't too hot on spelling) and he will not draft anything because he can't stand the mess but he does cope with the day to day stuff now

 

it took about half a term for him to relax about his work and we still (7 years later) have to speak to staff about it though, so don't expect it to work overnight

 

he still can't stand criticism in any shape or form but at least we can point out mistakes without a meltdown ever time now

 

Zemanski

[oracle]

If T does not want to be at home what does he want? Silly question I know as he probably does not know himself. If he does like being home, could he simply be re-enacting his behaviour from his old school because he has the expectation that he will once again be excluded? I am not suggesting that he is trying to manipulate the situation because I do not feel that our children actually do this. But they do store scripted performances and texts in their heads. I know that David will always expect a situation that he has lived through before to be identical should it take place again. Does that make any sense? I am not explaining this very well at all. If you feel that your son is acting in this manner so that he can once again repeat a pattern, which in a diverse way will make him feel comfortable, because it is something that he can identify with and may offer comfort because he does feel in control, then could you talk to the school about your fears? Maybe with help the cycle can be broken?

 

This is a very half baked idea but another thought is does T have friends and does he want any? Could this behaviour be a way of making other kids either notice him or leave him alone. Maybe by behaving like this at school the other kids back off and T needs that to happen? If it is freindship he is craving could this be a form of inappropriate interaction?

 

All of the support structures in the world do not always mean that a child will be able to cope. For David just having to sit in a classroom with 30 other kids was where his coping levels were pushed to the point of breaking. It was things like sitting close enough to a child to hear them breathing. Even at the back or front of the class the awareness is there that the others are stil there.

 

Sorry to waffle with what is probably rubbish anyway. Hope you can turn things around.

 

Carole

Edited November 30, 2005 by carole

[loulou]

Hi HH,

 

I can empathise with how you must be feeling. Kai has been at his new special school for 2 months now, and it has taken him quite a while to settle. I felt so worried that he was going to end up like he was at his old school.

 

If it's any comfort to you, the first two weeks he was pretty quiet, then he started playing up. I thought, "oh no, here we go again!", BUT he has since calmed down again .

 

His teacher said that he was definately testing boundaries and that they expect this type of behaviour when a child with ASD is settling into a new environment.

 

I hope T settles, which i'm sure he will as he is now in an environment where the staff know how to help him.

 

Loulou x <'>

[Hectorshouse]

Thanks again for all your advice.

 

Have been scouring the internet for social stories and am biting the bullet and having a go myself at drafting one for T, have been to Carol Grays website and found loads of really helpful things there.

 

First Story is going to be on Anger/Frustration

 

Second is going to be on Perfectionism

 

Also have been onto the CIDs bod, and have asked her for some help/advice. Spoke to SENCO today about why T is at home, she is also very concerned about T, and that although they think he is fab that unfortunately isn't the issue. The problem for them is that if he keeps disrupting learning for others then this temporary placement will be just that! and they will not be able to meet his needs, saying that she doesn't want this to be the case, and really does want things to work out for T. Will post my stories on here to see what people think ...

 

wish me luck, HHxx

[LKS]

HH <'> <'> This is only an idea and probably not a very good one ,but if one of his problems is perfectionism could the school not find alternative ways for him to get his ideas down e.g. lap top. At least he would have some sort of control over what he produced and could instantly delete any mistakes. Same for drawings, are we talking diagrams maps etc let them find a way for him to produce these on computer.

[Hectorshouse]

.... aww bless you guys .... there was me having a terrible mother day, feeling to hard to T but actually he needed this time out day, have had a great chat with him over lunch about what was troubling him ... and guess what ... he even said that because he was given a 'yellow slip' for refusing point blank and swearing about his spellings that he thought that was it ... oh my little drama queen.

 

I've just spent this morning drafting a couple of social stories for him, which he seems to have enjoyed and we are sending them to school as well ... lots of positive reinforcement, some of them have been borrowed from others that I have read be interested in what anyone else thinks ..

 

Trying to do my work ?

 

The teacher or TA comes into class and I am given my work to do. I don?t like this work but it is what I have to do. All the children have work to do and they probably don?t like having to do it either. Sometimes the work is boring.

 

I have to go into class with my TA, I have to get my stuff ready and listen to what I am being asked to do. I have to react to this quietly and in a way that doesn?t disturb anyone around me.

 

When the TA gives me my work to do, she explains it and is there to try and help me. The teachers and TA?s really like it when I try and do some work, it doesn?t matter if I get it wrong or if it?s messy. The teachers and TA?s are very pleased when I haven?t sworn because I got frustrated, and are even more happy when I use my special word .. FUDGEY DONKEY .. Its so much nicer than when I swear and no-one gets upset.

 

I remember that the TA?s are there to help me and they care for me. I know that if I try and do some work, I will feel happy and so will they, this is a good thing and the more I do the happier I will feel. Knowing that I have controlled my frustration makes me feel better and I can be proud of myself. Trying to do my work is more important than getting it right. Each day is a new day, if I try to control my temper I will feel better and everyone around me will feel happier.

 

and

 

Being Angry is OK ?. But ? it?s important what I do and say.

 

It?s ok to feel angry, everyone does now and then, everyone has bad days, but as we grow older we need to know how to learn ways to handle this anger, as this keeps everyone safe and happy.

 

It?s important to keep thinking when I?m angry. Some people may forget to do the right thing when they are angry and make mistakes, but it is a good thing to try and make the right choices when I?m angry which is something I must try and remember. If I can learn to keep thinking and that will help me make good choices.

 

Here are things I can think when I am angry ?

 

1. I will not be angry for long, actually I spend more time happy than I do angry, and I will feel happy again.

2. There is a solution, and talking to others is a really good way to find the solution.

3. It?s possible to have a bad time during a good day, but this doesn?t mean that the whole day has been bad and that if I make good choices I can be having a good day again.

 

When I am angry if I keep thinking I can make good choices, here are some I can think about ?

 

1. Take deep breaths or a break, relaxing by breathing does help and going for a brief walk might also make me feel better, making it easier to think calmly.

2. I can tell people I am feeling angry, and I don?t have to swear to do this, it can just be a ?FUDGEY DONKEY? moment.

3. I can keep other people and things safe, this means that if I keep my hands, feet and fingers under my control no-one will get hurt or cross.

 

More and more I will be able to stay calm and I know I have to learn to do this, but this is a very grown up and intelligent thing to do, and I know I will feel happier for this.

 

HHxx

[Hectorshouse]

Just a quick line to say that T had a really good day, things happened that caused him distress ... like the technician not being able to work with him to edit the soap opera that T had Filmed/Directed/Written even though I had prepared him that he might get called away, he got upset but no major meltdown. Best of all when he did become seriously stressed he managed to use FUDGEY DONKEY instead of all the colourful choice swear words he has accumulated.

 

This is a huge success for T and his TA also made it very clear how happy she was that he had managed this choice. He even asked me today if I was really proud of him like I said I was, so gave him a big hug and said that yes definitely I was, and it has shown me and him that he can make choices if he really wants to.

 

The social stories have gone down really well with school and T really got on well with them as well.

 

Well done my T, a small step for some, but a huge step for him.

 

HHxx

[nellie]

Well done T And a round of applause for you too