selfish sibling

[stressed out mum]

Hi

 

Just need to have a rant about my teenage daughter (nt).

 

I asked her not to go to her boyfriends to stay this morning and so she packed her stuff and left while I was out. She left a note saying that she will be back on Wednesday evening.

 

My son who has Aspergers read the note before I did when he got in from school and phoned her to tell her that she had upset me.

 

She told him that she would be back when she wanted and that it had nothing to do with him anyway.

 

Now he says that he doesn't want her to come back atall.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to work through this one?

[Paula]

My daughters almost 14.Shes a right stroppy teenager who is totally self obsorbed and selfish.Want want want all the time.Only comes out of her room for money and food.

 

Shes also a Goth.And can be a right doom and gloom merchant to boot.

 

I dread to think what shell be like when shes say 16 or 17.

 

Only advice i can give is let it be i guess.Shell be back wednesday.Think what youd have wanted youre parents to behave like when you were her age how youd have liked them to react.

 

Its not easy i know.Oh boy do i know.My daughter has had a few boyfreinds some have been totally unsuitable but i gritted my teeth and welcomed them.And bingo she soon got fed up.Not the same i know as beggering of for a few days.

But come on weve all done it i have i bet you did too.

 

Im glad ive only one teenage daughtergive me my As son anyday.

[stressed out mum]

Hi Paula

 

Thankyou sooo much for your reply!

 

My daughter is 16 and thinks that she knows it all. Don't really mind her boyfriend (been together nearly a year), it's his mother that stirs it all up.

 

I phoned my big brother tonight who is a really good head teacher (shame he isn't ours) and he gave me some really good advice.

 

Just have to wait for her to come home after work tomorrow now. (she is only coming back because she works 2 evenings a week after college)

 

She told her father on the phone that her bedroom is cr*p (we have just done it up as a surprise) and that we are all boring because we don't take her out for meals like his mum does. (we have 3 children and his mum has one and is a single parent) My children are 12, 14 and 16 and I don't know if they will be in for dinner let alone go out for a meal!)

 

I don't know what my parents would have done, I was scared of them so I did as I was told!

 

I know what you are saying though my son of 12 with aspergers is so loving and although he has his problems he seems much easier than her.

 

My mum died last year so my dad will be here for christmas. I hope I can sort things out so that he doesn't have to sit through her moods.

 

Hey Ho happy days!!!!!

[elainem]

so sorry you are going through this. unfortunately I was a total B*tch to my mum when a teenager when I had my own kids I was really upset by the way I had treated my own mum.

 

Elainex

[lindy-lou]

me too elayne i was a total wild child and had no respect or regard for my mum and dads feelings when i was a teenager,even though they had bought me up to be just that,i think its just a phase of rebellion that all teenagers,my mum even said to me she hoped that i had a daughter and she treated me the way i treated her,Hmmmm...i now have 3 im dreading the teenage years and there fast approaching,i think the best way to deal with it is to just try and relax your own rules for a while so she has nothing to rebel against,easier said than done i know,good luck!!

[Paula]

Everything we do for our daughter is cr*p or words to that effect.So youre not alone.Wed to paint our daughters bedroom black !!!!!! Every wall so that it would fit into her goth scheme. Took us all bloomeing day long did she say thanks did she heck as like.

 

 

Youre right like you our As son is so loveing and appreciative at everything we do however small.Full od thankyous and stuff and it just highlights the fact that i guess shes just a normal teen age girl and thats what there like.

 

She never wants to go any where with us,doesnt visit her grandmas coz thats a saaaad event unless of course theres money in it for her.

 

 

Just recently shes started going to an under 17 night club.Weve to pay for her to go take her and then leave our home at 10pm to collect her and bring her back.Againe not a word of thanks she looks at us like were cr*p under her shoe.

 

Her rooms a tip,she never puts her clothes away or makes her bed.

 

I could kill her at times.Im not perfect and she pushes me to the limit.Then she complaines that all we care about is her AS brother ect ect ect untill we give in to her and she gets her own way againe.

 

Its not easy staying calm it realy isnt sometimes i have to leave the house else id swing for her.But my mum says i was as bad and other mums especialy of teenage girls relay a similar story.

 

No doubt well all look back and laugh at it all someday.

[DaisyProudfoot]

Hi SM,

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this. When she gets home don't beat yourself up over it - we were all horrible teenagers myself included. My dad looks at the way my NT daughter's growing up and says:

 

"At least your sins have come back to haunt you"

 

Yes she's selfish, yes she's self absorbed, yes she's downright horrible at times - but you love her and she knows it or she wouldn't keep pushing the boundaries.

 

And you will never be as good as his family - we just aren't

 

Keep strong,

Daisy

[stressed out mum]

Hi Everyone

 

She didn't come back last night. She texted her sister and said that she didn't go to work and she wouldn't be coming home because she felt that 'it isn't the right time'.

 

When on earth will the 'right time' be?

 

Her sister (aged 14) texted her back that she was out of order and she should phone me and at least let me know that she wasn't at work, considering I was supposed to be picking her up! But she didn't answer her sister or speak to me.

 

I have decided that if she does lower herself to come back I am going to tell her that:-

 

1 - If she wants to be treated like an adult then she must behave like one and respect other peoples feelings.

 

2 - I will not be running her to college or back (not that she has been going much).

 

3 - I will not be running her to work or back (although this is a worry because she doesn't finish until 10.30)

 

Maybe if she has to stand on her own two feet she may at least realise what we do for her

 

Although I do know his mother will always be better and my daughter can say what she likes to her b/f and he will always come back for more

 

I do appreciate your replies though it's just a shame that it has to happen at this time of year (my dad is too upset to come to us so he has opted to go somewhere else, and my son still says that he doesn't want her to come home atall)

 

Hope everyone else is okay

[Paula]

I think you should sod her !!!!!!!!!! Like you say let her stand on her own two feet without youre help shell soon come running back wanting her mums help. Then itll be you who can call the shots youre terms. I Know if only it was that easy.

 

The times i said to my daughter sod yer dont come running to me ect ect but i always back down and give in.Because we love them we take what they chuck and they know this thats why they push us. They push the ones they love the most apparently. But that doesnt help.

[Jill]

Can I ask how old your daughter is?

 

It's just that I know you are worried about letting her stand on her own two feet & I may be able to set your mind at rest a little.

 

When I was 17 I had a job in a kebab shop (I've had all the glamourous occupations me ) and I used to work from 5pm until 4am. I had to get myself to and from work because my father was disabled and my mother didn't drive. I managed this perfectly safely - even tho I didn't drive myself - I discussed it with the owner of the shop and he organised cut price taxi rides with a local firm for all the kebab shop staff at reduced rates. It did prompt me to save up for driving lessons tho!

 

I managed ok and I appreciated my parents trusting me enough to do this.

 

Don't be mistaken either - I was an absolutely foul teenager, when I look back at the things I said to my mum and the things I did I cringe and hang my head in shame.

 

Getting that job tho and standing on my own feet (and knowing my mum trusted me to do that) helped me to grow up a bit and start to appreciate my parents more (altho I don't think you ever really appreciate your parents until you become one yourself.)

[stressed out mum]

Hi Jill

 

Thankyou for your reply.

 

My daughter is 16, she started college in September and wants to be a teacher (ha ha, with her temper)

 

She works 2 evenings a week and all day Saturday.

 

I think that she is very bitter because her b/f mother gives him money because he goes to college and doesn't work.

 

She thinks that she can stand on her own two feet but then she will expect us to pick her up from college (when she goes, we had a letter saying she is only there 70%) so that she can get to work on time and have food ready before she goes to work.

 

Don't get me wrong. None of this would be a problem if she wasn't so spiteful to everyone.

[stressed out mum]

OMG my daughter came home

 

Skywalker is my son who registered on the forum recently. I knew that he was upset but not as bad as he has posted

 

Everything is very tense but we are working on it.

[Guest flutter]

i was going to pm you, ( i should have sorry ) but didnt want to interfere ((hugs))

it is hard to distinguise the genreal teenager behaviour from the "i find it hard with an as sibling"

hope all is on the mend

C xx