unfit mother

[sue45]

I don't know where to start. feeling pretty bad, not for the first time. Tonight I gave my daughter a hard time and really upset her because basically, I was feeling upset for myself. Today was like most other days; not a particularly bad one where H was concerned but I felt I was dragging and coaxing it along like a ten ton weight non-the-less; I work from home which should be a plus considering the amount of time my daughter has off from school, but when, like now it's the holidays, she can't understand that i have to get things done before we can go out and of course its difficult speaking to customers over the phone when she keeps calling out and causing a scene in the background because `i can't give her my full attention. We finally get into town to do shopping and every step of the way is like being put through an assault course even though that's what she's been wanting to do; she doesn't want to go here, she's hungry but doesn't want what we can easily get hold of, she's thirsty but the drink has to be bought from a particular shop because it's the only one that sells it cold enough, she's fed up and wants to go home but why should we spend the rest of the day at home when we had to stay in for the first half of it because of my job...etc. Normal stuff. But I'm so tired. i just want us to be normal. is that a terrible thing to say? I know it is. What's normal etc. I saw our paed on Tuesday and she finally (only took a year) difinitively diagnosed my daughter with aspergers. Only mild, she said. She sees lots of people who are worse. Of course. She asked me did I want it diagnosing officially and I found myself wondering why you wouldn't when you'd come so far down the line and it had taken so long (I've been trying to find out what's going on with H since she was about 2 1/2 - she's now 13) but on the heels of that I thought well , yes, there are peoplein much worse situations and maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills. What can I say? I'm tired. My daughter has As and its mild. I shold be able to cope. Its only mild. Mild. And what do I do tonight? I make her pay for being AS. She was only being how she most often ios - demanding - me going through the motions trying to get her to respond how I want her to - wrong? I exploded and lost my temper because she was being herself. Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like giving up, but that's because I feel sorry for myself. When I think about the look on her face, i really upset her - I feel unfit to be her mother and it breaks my heart. I feel torn in two. I want to run away and I want to take away the pain, hers and mine. I always thought I'd be a good mother but it turns out i'm not so good afterall and i can't live comfortably with that at the moment.

 

Thanks for listening forum folks, sorry to be a drag at christmas

[hev]

hello sue,you not a drag,i feel exactly as you do,i often feel im punishing steve for having aspergers,for something which isent his fault,we are not saints and we love them dearly,they know that,i also feel very tired and drained,i try to think positive and think there are people far more severe than steven,he is also called mild,there is nothing at all mild in my house,just to say you are not alone and nowhere near an unfit mother,i could have written your post we sound so similar,take care love hev xx

[baddad]

Hi Sue -

 

Don't beat yourself up for being human! I don't imagine for one minute that you 'turned' on your daughter because she has AS, it's probably just because she was demanding too much from you at a time when you weren't able (by which I mean in an emotional 'place') to give it. Every parent has those moments, whether their child has AS or not... Chances are that you are actually more generous, supportive and giving than most, purely because your situation has always demanded it... You adapt to circumstances, and parents of 'perfect angels' are sometimes the most unforgiving, because they never have expectations of being challenged by their kids...

 

Ask yourself how much of the time you get it 'right', and how much of the time you get it 'wrong', then assess yourself on the former rather than the latter. Bet you'll come up trumps!!

Have a great christmas

L&P

BD

[Brook]

Hi Sue, <'>

 

It's hard trying to juggle everything, divide your time and attention.

 

As I think with all of us, there are days when we cope okay and days when things come to a head,

you feel tired and torn, this does NOT mean you are an unfit mum, it means you are human.

 

Both of you are most likely feeling quite stressed at the moment, your daughter has had her routine

changed and so have you, I hope things settle down soon.

 

Brook <'>

[Malika]

Hi Sue

 

I feel sorry for you it seems that you are having a bit of a bad time <'> <'> , I agree with baddad I don't think you got angry with your daughter because she has AS but just because she was putting too much pressure on you when you had to concentrate on something else.

 

As far as I know all the kids seems to need something urgently when we are at the phone, and just today my daughter who is suppose to be NT and is 14 drove me nuts while i spent some time at the phone with a friend who is having a rough time at the moment. Then it was my ASd son and even my partner coming back from work and in need of attention. Well I did not kill anybody but had a few "shout out loud"

Beside until last year my daughter use to be always so demanding, she is a bit better but still can be so difficult she really has an unique way to put pressure on me and to get the worse out of me and of course I always feel guilty at the end.....

 

No Sue you are not unfit to be a mother and if you go by those criteria i think social services would have to set up special camp for kids of "unfit parents" we are all human and have limits to our patience some days are worse some days are better

 

I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

 

Take care. <'> <'> <'>

 

Malika.

[lil_me]

<'> Big hugs. I think we all go through times as parents that we feel like we are failing, but what someone said to me recently that really hit home was 'We don't see when we are doing well, noone praises us and we find it hard to give ourselves credit for when we are doing a damn good job'. This was from a parent of 4 NT children and she was so right!

 

As my Dad has always said 'Even I can't be perfect all the time' A phrase I use way too often now.

 

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you

[reuby2]

You are definitly NOT a bad mother . I am feeling exactly the same way with my son (ASD) at the moment.

Also Christmas is a really stressful time ......people fighting in the supermarket over the last turkey......the half price decorations etc.....then to top it all we have the constant whine of our kids, I know they can't help it but it does grate on the nerves after a while. It seems I can't make my son happy right now and constantly trying to explain and be patient is really taking it's toll.

I try my best but last night i had to go to a friends house accompanied by a bottle of bacardi breezer and just let it all out.

 

I found that I was really sad because I had lots of things as a mum that i wanted to do with my son (a panto etc) that we just can't do and it is getting to me a bit. I know that it is myself that I am feeling sorry for but it's there and i can't deny the way I feel. I do feel a bit better about things today, I think by accepting that i am feeling a bit of a prisoner and that there are things that are upsetting me, it has helped to put those feelings into perspective.

 

I can tell you love your girl very much. A bad mother wouldn't even care about what happened.

 

Take care <'> <'>

[mossgrove]

Please do not beat yourself up about the '"It's only mild - I should be able to cope".

 

Such labels are very unhelpful because it implies that children with this diagnosis need very little in terms of support over and above an NT child. What it means is their needs are different from a child that may be diagnosed with 'sever' autism, and those needs are often more subtle in how they present themselves, but this does not mean thay are easy to deal with, and it does NOT make you a bad mother if you find it bl**dy hard work at times.

 

The is is the reason that Lorna Wing (arguably the UK's foremost expert on Autism over the last 30 years) now feels the term 'High Functioning' should never have been invented because it masks the fact that support needs can still be considerable.

 

Deep down you know that parenting your daughter can be hard at times. Youe Paed has almost certainly never lived 24/7 with someone with Autism, if she has she would realise how crass and upsetting her remarks were.

 

Please do not allow her remarks to undermine your confidence as a parent. You put more into the job of parenting than any parent of NT children could ever understand, and when things have calmed down a little you will see that more clearly.

 

 

You ARE a good parent. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise.

 

 

Simon

Edited December 24, 2005 by mossgrove

[sue45]

Thanks for all your supportive comments. It set me off crying again this morning reading them. I know what you are all saying is right, it's just sometimes everthing gets skewed and things seem so bleak.

 

Still, onwards and upwards! Nearly Crimbo!

 

Wishing you all a fabulous one with bells on.!!

 

Simon, your comment on Lorna Wing and the "High Functioning" bit is so true. Thanks.

 

Warm thanks to all of you!!

 

Sue

 

xx

[Viper]

Sue, just to add that if you are an unfit mother then so am I and I would guess that the majority of parents on here are the same. There is a saying that special kids are sent to special parents, well I for one don't feel I am anything special, just a dammed hard working parent that gets a bit fed up with life in general at times. We all lose it at times that does not make us bad, just human. <'> <'>

 

Viper.

[sue45]

Thanks Viper. I guess we all struggle sometimes.

 

This is the first time - here on this forum I can speak to people who know exactly where i'm coming from and it's a great source of comfort and practical advice. I'm so grateful for your responses.

 

Best wishes to everyone for a lovely Christmas.

 

Sue

 

xx

[Malika]

Hi Sue <'>

 

I hope you are feeling better, don't forget what Viper wrote you are very special.

 

Malika

[kirstie]

<'> Yep Sue it's true you are a very special parent doing an amazing job. Just getting a diagnosis alone can throw you into turmoil whether you were expecting it or not, to top it you have Christmas and work to deal with. Hang in there tomorrow will no doubt be a better day.

By the way my boy does exactly the same when i'm on the phone, it's hard work. Try and get some time out for yourself because we all need that time to re-charge our batteries and go on to soldier through another day.

And as for losing it, well we have all done it. I was the baddie on Christmas eve/day at 2.45 am when he woke his brother up and they trail into the living room.......i was not happy atall and i felt such a git afterwards but we can't be supermum all of the time!

Hope you feel better soon.

Kirstie.

[lynyona]

I agree with what brook says we have to try and split ourselves into so many pieces is there any wonder we get stressed out and sometimes feel that no one is there to help.On Christmas eve kieran and my youngest were arguing like it was going out of fashion,and along with that i offended dh but the rest of the day went not to bad when i went to work i was stood on the spot(or near enought) from 3 till 7.I work ion a convenience store and after all the supermarkets close we were open untill 9 and the things people were coming in for so late was ridiculous i was please to get home at 7 lol.Yesterday day went well but now we ve got the dreaded boxing day sport aghh times like this when i wish we d got sky multi room.As if christmas isnt stressfull as it is but add other things and WE (us Parents) are verging on major meltdown.

 

lynn

[OPooh]

(((hugs)))

 

I just wanted to add that that is pretty much how my day has gone. I'm still awaiting the diagnosis and I too started the ball-rolling at 2 and half (he's 9 in a few days).

 

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you both...and remember you is a great mom

[neda]

Hi there

 

We had a good xmas day, everything went so well, there was no fighting with the girls and my boy who is being assessed seemed to have a great day. With this came the worry that my boy would soon lose it, so boxing day was to be dreaded. He woke on boxing day with bit of cough and runny nose, by mid morning he had bit of temperature and was lethargic so lay on his bed or couch watching dvd. Sat yesterday thankful that he wasn't feeling too great and therefore I didn't have to deal with a meltdown. By evening I was feeling so guilty for thinking that. He seems slightly up today and I'm glad, but I think we all suffer the guilt trips, so its great to come on to the forum and know others are in the same sort of situations and do understand how you feel. <'> <'>

[pumpkinpie]

I always find xmas very stressful wanting things to be perfect doesnt work for me now I just aim for happy , healthy with a bit of peace thrown in. A friend once told me her bad days are the ones when she is feeling down not necessarily when her child is behaving badly! When we are smiling and feeling ok within we can cope with anything the world can throw at us. SO long as we have friends like on these message boards to sound off at .

Smile another 12 hours and its bedtime, we hope?

[Guest flutter]

Please do not beat yourself up about the '"It's only mild - I should be able to cope".

 

Such labels are very unhelpful because it implies that children with this diagnosis need very little in terms of support over and above an NT child. What it means is their needs are different from a child that may be diagnosed with 'sever' autism, and those needs are often more subtle in how they present themselves, but this does not mean thay are easy to deal with, and it does NOT make you a bad mother if you find it bl**dy hard work at times.

 

simon this makes soo much sense, if we just go on the autism "label" then nothing is surprising and we cannot feel bad cos we have off days, i think that the days when our kids cope and get on with life stim, stress and aggressive free make us become a wee bit complacent, and forget bout the autism. Then it comes and boy do we feel liike we cannot deal with it all, and feel like bad parents.

[sue45]

Pumpkinpie - what you said about your friend - how its when she's having a bad day she gets upset not necessarily when the kids are misbehaving is so true! I think that's what happened the other day - I was feeling bad and everything my daughter did seemed terrible whenin fact she was having a reasonably good day - it was the way I felt and responded that made it terrible.

 

All of you, reading what you have to say and getting an insight into your lives in your replies has been so helpful. THANK YOU!!

 

Hev, you said you could have written my original post - I hope everything's going well for you and yours and the same for all of you.

 

Christmas actually went really well. I had family over for dinner and H was brilliant - Neda, i know exactly where you're coming from when you say you had great christmas day and were then tense and waiting for the meltdown. Same here. It never came! (hasn't yet) All's well that ends well - til the next time anyway.

 

Once again thank you all

 

Sue

 

xx