NT daughter gone off on one again

[stressed out mum]

Help!!!!

 

I need someone from outside the family to tell me if I am unreasonable.

 

Family consists of 2 NT daughters (15&16) and one aspergers son (12).

 

16 year old says that she hates us and everything we do is cr*p.

 

We spent an awful christmas (she came back on 24th) with her attitude.

 

She came home from college today and said that she had 'dropped out'. Packed her stuff and gone to b/f again to stay.

 

She now says that she will get some more hours at p/t job and give us 'rent'.

 

Should I call her bluff and say yes (child allowance ?17 week) although she still expects me to pick her up from work

 

Has anyone been through this and stayed calm?

[oracle]

I have not been through this so I am not qualified to reply really but maybe it would help if I post here what was handed down to me and has been a good yard stick for me and my kids behaviour?

 

When I left school my Dad pointed out to me that I was no longer a child and that I was now a guest in his and my Mum's home and that there were rules that I would have to abide by. Now I am an only child so that dismisses the myth that we are all spoilt brats! One of his rules was that once I had a job I paid my way. So if your daughter wants to drop out then maybe this needs to be pointed out to her? This would mean that before she really does drop out she needs to be sure that she can up her hours for her part time job? My Dad pointed out to me that food has to be paid for and also the bills and I had to do my bit because we were a family and families pulled together. Fix the rent that you expect her to pay and then decided if that will include you collecting her from work.

 

I wont say that I never tested his rules because I did. I was 16 at the time and all 16 year old push their boundries but I also think that sometimes it's their way of looking for them. Hope that makes sense. I expect that she will not be happy with you but then are you happy with her? Another biggy with my dad was 'With Rights comes Responsibilities' she wants the rights then she needs to act responsibilly.

 

I have never let myself be held to ransom by any of my kids ASD or otherwise. Even my 26 year old knows the score and while we do not always live happily ever after, who does when you live with ASD, we all manage to rub along together most of the time.

 

The only other thing I can add is that I am now an eldery Mum so I have probably lost touch with reality when it comes to 16 year olds And also that having read this I sound like a really nasty Mum.

 

Carole

[stressed out mum]

Hi Carole,

 

Thankyou for your reply

 

My parents supported me through college and didn't ask for a penny from me (even though I worked p/t) until I left college.

 

I encouraged my daughter to do this so that she could get decent qualifications.

 

She has now filled in the forms and left college today which is why she has gone to her b/f.

 

If she would rather work then that is fine, it is her life. But she says that she may go back to college later it depends how she feels

 

The thing that really guts me is that she says that we have never been there for her and she has always hated living with us. Which I know is just a childish stab but it hurts me to the core and she knows it.

 

We went on holiday in November and trusted her to stay at home with one of her friends. I told her that her b/f could not stay while we were away but could arrive the day we got back and stay for weekend. My neighbour told me that he arrived just after we left and stayed all week

When we arrived home the pair of them said that he had just arrived.

I then found drink in her room, the kitchen floor was sticky from beer and the furniture scratched.

My parents left me at home when I was 16 with no trouble because I respected them.

 

I have now told her that she will have to stay with her grandparents when we go away because she will not come with us and she says we are being unfair.

 

I wonder whether I should let her give us 'keep' and lay down some hard rules. But then how much is the going rate?

If she does end up leaving home I don't want it to be on bad terms and lose her for good.

 

I don't like her much at the moment but I still love her

[bid]

Oh dear, poor you <'>

 

We are not at this stage (yet ), but this is what Jester's parents did with their 4 children...

 

Once they had left education and were working, they had to divide their wages like this: a third to be saved, a third to be paid as rent and keep, and a third to spend as they like.

 

I won't go into the dramas that his 3 sisters managed to create , but I think it's quite a good way of getting them to see the realities of adult life and responsibilities.

 

Bid <'>

[nellie]

16 year old says that she hates us and everything we do is cr*p.

 

Yep, that sounds like a normal teenager.

 

Re. teenagers. I was told never do for a son/daughter what they can do for themselves. Gauging what they can and can't do is the tricky bit!

 

I left school at 15 had to pay my mum for my keep and buy all my own clothes etc. I left home at 17 supported myself and still gave my mum money.

 

Was that violins I just heard????????????

 

Good luck, I hope you achieve the impossible and stay calm.

 

Nellie xx

[oracle]

I don't think it really matters what the going rate is just so long as you can fix an amount which is reasonable. If ?5 a week is what you decide then that's reasonable. My Dad always said the amount did not matter what mattered was that I paid up. As I said I am an elderly Mum and although I was an only child my Dad was determined that I understand that nothing comes free and also that you should respect your parents.

 

He was also a great believer that respect had to be earned but the otherside of that coin was that he was no doormat. Things have changed a great deal since then but I don't think it does our older children any harm to be taught respect and that we do not control our parents.

 

Of course you love her I wish I had a penny for everytime I did not like my three I'd be rich by now.

 

Carole

[stressed out mum]

Thanks Everyone,

 

It really helps to hear what others had to do.

 

On the plus side she has just texted me to say that she has arrived at b/f and hopes that I have a good evening.

Maybe she will calm down while away and we can talk when she gets back!

 

I wonder Nellie, did you leave home on good terms with your mum?

When I started work I gave some money for keep and paid half the phone bill

 

The other thing I don't understand is why are other parents better than hers

 

I have since found out that she has lost all of her friends now aswell so maybe she is clinging to b/f.

[nellie]

SOM,

 

Yes I did, but I couldn't wait to leave. Nothing to keep me there.

 

The other thing I don't understand is why are other parents better than hers

 

Again, that's perfectly normal for teenagers. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

 

Just let her know you are there for her if she needs you.

 

Nellie xx

[katkin]

Hi, been throught his with big one who is now 19+. He was given an allowance at 12 which was to provide for all his social activities, gave this every month so he had to budget. We encouraged him to get a Saturday job at 16 which he did but we did not take any money off him but did not buy him anything clothes wise or social activity ways. Did take him on holiday. He is doing an apprenticeship now so is earning (and quite a considerable amount) We take a third of his wages by direct debit every month (thoroughly recommend the debit way) I also expect him to wash up every day. When we go on a self catering holiday he buys the food and we rent the place. The only concession we made was to insure his car in husbands name so it was about 1/2 the price but he still had to pay it.

Both husband and I had to pay a third of our wages when we were at home and do various jobs around the house.

He does not resent paying us money ( I asked him) For us it was setting down very clear rules of expectations he knows he eother pays or services are withdrawn or he leaves. if he had gone to college fulltime we would not have taken money from him but would have expected him to work on Saturdays.

Living is expensive and I can't afford to carry someone!

If your daughter is serious about leaving college then perhaps she can but she needs to know what you expect and whether she can afford it. If you cannot trust her on her own when you are away then I don't think it is unreasonable for her to stay at grand dads. It is still your home.

Take care, Kat

[katkin]

And of course other parents are better than hers - possibly why other teenagers are better than ours too!!!!! Kat

[Kathryn]

I know we're mainly talking about NT teenagers here, but my daughter has also started talking about leaving home, would you believe. Not to go to a residential college - she can't handle the idea of having two different homes. No she wants to move out ALTOGTHER and live in her own flat - with support. She's got a long way to go before she reaches the level of independence required but it's good that she's thinking about future plans I suppose.

 

I don't think she realises that the level of support she gets won't extend to someone making her toast at 11pm, waking her up with a hot drink at 7 am, or rooting through the washing to find her clean underwear (softie that I am ).

[stressed out mum]

Hi Kathryn,

 

Maybe that is where I went wrong aswell. I also take my children tea in the morning, run them to school (college) and to work and pick their friends up!

 

I am lucky I do not need to work and have been studying on and off since my 12 year old was 4. Although I mainly left because of trouble in the school he was at.

 

I told her that she would have to work if she left college and she said well you don't (as if I sit on my backside all the time)

 

She said that she will do her own washing and clean her room and give us 'rent' and all she wants is to be treated like an adult. How can I treat her like one if she has a tantrum and cries when I won't do what she wants. Maybe she needs a wake up call.

 

I just don't want her to leave on bad terms when the time comes

[Suze]

Hi SOM, gosh just seems like yesterday when I was 16 .She is still very young and I remember at that age thinking I knew everything and was a proper adult.My mum and dad left me at home when I was 16, I had a few friends round and the front door got smashed ., and yes, boyfriend hung around a lot that week too.I was a pretty stroppy teenager and for about 2 years put my mum and dad through hell, but turned 18 and everything seemed to get better,I,d bought my own car and had a good job, and a great relationship with my mum and dad.I,m sure things will get better for you, maybe she needs to know that you can trust her providing there are rules.I would definitely expect keep aswell if she is working.Its a valuable lesson, that nothing in life is free, apart from love of course .

[stressed out mum]

Thanks Suze,

 

She sounds just the same. It's not even that I dislike her b/f he seems okay.

I just thought that because of her age he (aged 19) should have stayed away while we were not here. I told them that if they had come clean I would not have been so annoyed!

 

Did your mum and dad leave you at home after that?

 

My daughter does nothing in the house at the moment, if she makes a sandwich she leaves the kitchen in a mess.

 

Do you really think it will take 2 years? I will be grey by then

[Paula]

My daughters 14 and can be a right pain in the backside.Stroppy moody selfish and only wants us for money.Everything we do is naff and like youre daughter her freinds mum is so cool and absolutley lovely

 

 

Its just normal teenage behaviour i guess its what there all like.Just recentley whilst cleaning/noseing round her room i found a letter shed written to me but not given me hidden away under her pillow.In it it said how much she loved me but didnt show it and how she appreciated all i did for her.

 

Made me cry but i didnt mention id found it.Just the knowledge that this is what she actually thought but didnt voice was enough for me to see her in a whole new light.

 

 

 

 

Hey youre not alone in daughters shifting boyfreinds in as soon as parents go of on holiday.My next door neighbour left there 16 year old daughter for a fortnight whilst they went on holls with instruction s no boyfreind.He was moved in straight away.Parties everynight and the whiff of cannabis wafting over the fence.He moved out houres before they got home followed by frantic cleaning.All the neighboures were sworn to secrecy you had to laugh.The parents hated him and had banned him from the house.She dumped him shortley afterwards realised he was a bore to live with and she was fed up of looking after him.

[Suze]

Hi SOM, yes my mum and dad did still trust me, I was very sorry for the door incident and I did manage to get it repaired before they came home. ,Things changed for me when I got a fulltime job as I then began to understand the value of things .My parents were quite easy going and I made lots of mistakes, but sometimes making mistakes is the only way you,ll learn.Suzex.