lancelot Report post Posted January 11, 2006 Bear with me while I say all the things I've just resisted saying to my dear mother on the phone! It's my younger brother's (second) wedding this weekend, and we're heading off for it with 3 children (one of them ASD) for a 250-mile drive starting at 6 am to get there in time. Mum just rang to say there wouldn't be room for us all to have seats for the meal afterwards, so she's sure I won't mind eating sandwiches with the children (mine and my brothers' three) in another room. And she wanted to say in advance that even though it's DH's 40th birthday that weekend she won't be getting him a present because she thinks it's time to stop. (So much for my idea that we could go for a joint celebration of two family events, then.) She's told my brother not to buy him a card because I forgot brother's birthday last year (OK, fair enough, but he was in Barbados for that fortnight, poor thing!). . She WILL be getting a present for my other sister-in-law next week because 'Diane works so hard'. We don't, of course.... She asks that DH should be told in advance not to complain about the food! The caterers apparently cannot possibly be asked to provide sandwiches without butter, so son won't be eating them. Why do I feel like an unwanted guest, please, anyone????? AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Helen Report post Posted January 11, 2006 I'm an only child so I can't make any suggestions on what you ought to do but here are some <'> <'> <'> I think your mother is speaking out of turn - why don't you phone your brother to see if your mother got the info correct? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted January 11, 2006 <'> I simply would not be going and would say 'I am sure if you re-run the coversation that you had with me earlier today through your head - you will understand why I have decided NOT to attend on Saturday' Sorry but I think that your Mum was totally out of order - as Mum's can be and I know that so well. Do you really need to make a journey from hell knowing full well that when you get there it's only going to get worse? The other option is to ring on the day and say that the car has broken down on route or that someone is poorly, although that one usually backfires. But I really would not be going. Carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressed out mum Report post Posted January 11, 2006 It does sound a bit strange to find out now about the seating. Weddings are usually planned a long time ahead. My cousin only invited children to the evening of her wedding because of the catering and that caused a lot problems within the family. But with the distance you have to travel that would be difficult I know! Probably the best thing would be to speak to your brother and his partner personally so that there are no misunderstandings. Not that your mother cannot pass on a message but maybe she got the wrong end of the stick. It could save a lot of heartache in the end. Best of luck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lil_me Report post Posted January 11, 2006 (edited) Sorry but I am with carole, I wouldn't be going either, but I would check with you brother first to find out if what she has stated is correct. I doubt I would have been able to not say anything after those comments. With the seating could the seats not be moved into the other room ? Same with the catering must be a very poor company if they are not willing to adapt a menu. Edited January 11, 2006 by lil_me Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Helen Report post Posted January 11, 2006 Sorry, I can't resist the urge to post further on this subject... If what your mother has said is true, your brother has been insulting to you and to your own family. If I were in your position I would honestly reconsider attending the wedding. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lancelot Report post Posted January 11, 2006 Thanks everyone for all your speedy replies! I feel better for all the sympathy. To be fair to both mum and brother (now I've come off the boil...) he is terminally disorganised and had intended to sneak off to the register office without telling anyone as soon as his (Russian) GF's visa was granted... Mum rumbled him and wanted to do the thing 'properly' to avoid making the GF feel like a second-class member of the family, but with only a month's notice, this may well be the best we can all do. The trouble is, I feel permanently like the second-class member of the family myself -- no career, permanently tired, depressed, a child who's ###### hard to live with, don't host family events, never finish anything that needs doing round the house.... apparently the Russian fiancee has a lovely eye for decoration, has been asked to work as a model, and her little boy is delightful, but I'll try not to shoot her for it on her wedding day! My mother's attitude to DH has always been chillier than to other siblings' partners --no idea why -- and I feel hurt on his behalf. His family have always been very welcoming to me, which just rubs it in. Aaaaah well. Thanks guys! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
reuby2 Report post Posted January 11, 2006 Dear Lancelot, I really feel angry at how you and your family are being treated Any caterer with an ounce of brains can make a sandwich without butter, what happens is someone is vegetarian or gluten intolerate or vegan? Are they expected to eat meat etc. The answer to that is no, they adapt to dietary requirements! Your Mum is just being rude and ignorant.! And I'm sure that if your brother cannot be bothered to seat you all for a meal, after traveling so far and so long ,then he can't care that much whether you are there or not!!! I used to have a similar problem between myself and my brother. But somehow recently , something has changed and we are treated as equal. I think it had something to do with me stating that I was not going to be spoken to or treated in that way any longer and when it did happen I either left or asked my mum to leave. Your family deserve to be treated with respect and this is not respect!!!!!!!! Sending you some <'> <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted January 11, 2006 (edited) Lancelot I have read your last post and what I see is a clash of cultures here. One that is being accepted and one that is being ignored. While you Mum is willing to embrace and make the Russian fiance feel included she has not grasped that autism is a culture to and should also be embraced and included. OK so you start things and never finish them and can not host family parties - but why? Being Russian is not a handicap really although there are barriers and obstacles that this lady has no doubt had to overcome. Which could also be said about autism. But we need to be given the understanding and assistance first. They say that charity begins at home and if this is correct why is it that families be the last people that we can expect this from? Whatever you decided to do then feel strong and good about yourself because you are always swimming against the tide and have to work harder than most for your achievements and this needs to be recognised. Carole Who is far to outspoken and knows it Edited January 11, 2006 by carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lancelot Report post Posted January 11, 2006 To Reuby2 and Carole, I think you've hit two nails on the head here -- I suspect my mother thinks C's Asperger's is just a quirky detail that we use as an excuse, rather than something that subtly (or not so subtly!) alters our whole life. Respect for cultural differences just about sums it up! Now, where's my best suit of armour for the weekend? You'll think I'm a total wimp for going at all, but little bro has battled with depression, a divorce and ME over the past few years (that was M.E., not me!), so I'll make waves some other time. He probably regrets ever letting Mum's organising spirit take over his wedding! Meanwhile, I need to see what's happened to DH's birthday present, which the couriers appear to have sent to Glasgow... Cheers everyone, L xxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted January 11, 2006 We can choose our friends but not our relatives - trite yet true - hope all goes well for you despite the rather gloomy prognosis <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted January 11, 2006 Hi Lancelot, sounds like a difficult situation , but why do you have to eat in another room with your 3 kids and your brothers 3?........................Are you the only adult doing this???................Wear some thick skin on the day then tell all your familty what a huge birthday party you hubbbys family are giving him and what fantastic people they are..........particularly towards your kids and their diets! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lancelot Report post Posted January 11, 2006 Hi Suze, Thick skin it is! Yep, I'm the sacrificial victom... something to do with my kids needing the supervision and the others being little angels, I suppose! Could be interseting, as the littlest one is the bride's toddler, and he speaks Russian, not English (better practise saying Nyet, I think!). Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted January 11, 2006 It does seem a bit much that you're banished - could you ask if someone else can 'spell' you for a bit? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted January 11, 2006 good luck for the wedding,it sounds a very interesting wedding,i would love to be a fly on the wall!! hopefully it will all go well,let us know how it goes!!love hev Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lil_me Report post Posted January 11, 2006 (edited) Sounds like a very difficult situation, don't envy you at all, but hope you all have a great time regardless <'> Edited January 11, 2006 by lil_me Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LittleRae Report post Posted January 12, 2006 You're a better person than I am, Lancelot. I certainly wouldn't go. I'd tell them I was celebrating DH's birthday - after all, FAMILY is so important! Hope you enjoy the event. A Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lancelot Report post Posted January 12, 2006 Thanks everyone, made me laugh! DH has saintly hat on and says we'll take our own sandwiches and should make allowances for the poor agitated old dear, as we'll all be old and rambling one day (probably sooner rather than later in my case!). Now if he'll just resist repeating that to her face... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressed out mum Report post Posted January 17, 2006 Hi Lancelot Just interested to know how things went. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lancelot Report post Posted January 17, 2006 Hey, thanks, all went surprisingly well! Apparently mum's new blood pressure meds have been making her act pretty oddly recently, so I think that plus wedding pressure were responsible for much of last week's weird comments. Anyhow, we got there fine, the kids were pretty good for the ceremony (apart from all tramping through the same pile of dog-do, but then so did all their cousins... ) and yes, we all got to sit down in the same room! My new sister-in-law looked tiny but gorgeous (her mother was complaining, fortunately in Russian, that no daughter of hers should dress in tight white jeans and six-inch heels on her wedding day, but it was a bit late by then); her toddler son was a very cute Best Man; and my brother beamed from ear to ear throughout. Only downside was that C spotted a mercury thermometer (in another room, stuck on the wall) and decided it might poison him, so he refused to swallow anything (literally -- he was dribbling madly all down his clean top instead) from then till nearly 11 that evening. I suspect it was quite an eyeopener for the rest of the family, as they haven't seen that much of his really stressed behaviour before. i imagine it was the strain of being surrounded by too many people and on best behaviour that really set him off. Phew -- all over till the next time! L xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted January 17, 2006 Phew -- all over till the next time! L xx How often does he get married?! But congratulations on braving, and surviving, it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lancelot Report post Posted January 18, 2006 Only twice so far! ...and Mum did get round to taking the previous wedding pics off her wall before we all trooped back there Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressed out mum Report post Posted January 18, 2006 Hi Lancelot So pleased it went okay. Maybe it is a good thing that there were a few hiccups with C. The rest of the family may well see how difficult your day can be and offer some help? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
