HELP! Big fight with sons father

[jools_71]

Its been a long time since I posted - usually when I have a problem I find the answer in someone else's thread but this is a cracker!

 

My son is almost 8 and was diagnosed with Aspergers aged 5. My relationship with his father is pretty much non-existant - we split when I was pregnant and he wanted me to abort. He is the type of person who gets an idea into his head and will not be swayed, even if the proof he is wrong is staring him in the face. I have never stopped him from visiting but his attitude was a case of contacting me when it suited him to visit and me trying to fit it in. As my son needs routine, I told his dad this had to stop and he had to visit regularly or not at all and made an arrangement for him to visit the 2nd Saturday of each month. Once again his visits have been cancelled dur to him "having" to work. He does not take my son for days out and has never had stay him overnight because he cannot handle the behaviour issues, yet he takes no interest in learning how to handle the issues or how to spot the signs and stop the issue happening completely. His attitude is that he has read a few books and gathered information on the internet and therefore he knows it all and doesnt need guidance from anyone, especially from me. Now I dont claim to be an expert but I think I have a bit more insight into my child than someone who has just read a few articles.....

 

Anyway now to the problem. During his visit today, for which he was an hour and a half late, my son came to me and told me that he was lying on the floor and his dad had stood on his arms, lifted his legs and hit him on the bottom. I spoke to his dad and told him this was no way to act and that it could be construed as child abuse. Imagine how it would look if he said this at school and the school are required to make some sort of report! Anyway at this point my ex, with a smirk on his face, decided he wanted me to call the police if I thought he was abusing my son, at which point I said I thought he should leave. He continued to ask me to call the police and I lost my temper and told him to get out and that if he wanted to see my son again it would have to be through a mediator and be supervised as he didnt have a clue how to deal with him. He finally left, telling me I was mad and needed a shrink and shouldn't be allowed to look after any child.

 

Since then I have received text messages from him saying how I am out of order for accusing him of abuse and that he has talked to a lawyer friend who agrees with him and that abuse requires a matter of force, ie smacking his head off a wall! He denies that he did anything to my son and says he made it up. My mother tried calling him to try to calm the situation but she gave up when he continued to repeat the same things over and over and would not listen. He says that I accused him of being a child abuser and plans to call the police. I didnt accuse him of abuse but I know that his own father used violence to disipline him as a child. He seems to think that "patting" as he put it, is acceptable and refuses to see anyone elses point of view.

 

If he gets the police involved I am hoping that they will put him right and that will be the end of it but I really dont know what to do with regards to visitation.... should this all blow over, do I continue the visits as they were or do I go for supervised visits at a mediation centre when I know that half the time he wont show up? Or do I do the really drastic thing and remove him from the equation completely and just get on with life quietly (at least as quiet as life can be with an 8 year old).

[Tensing]

Has your son got any marks, I'm thinking of his arms as I would have thought an adult standing on an 8 year olds arms would leave a mark, if he has photograph them now before they fade. Maybe take him to a doctor and A&E, could prove usefull in the future.

 

Obviously Saturday night you can't get legal advice.

 

Is your ex likely to have a lawyer friend, from you have said of his behavior, I can't imagine it. I think the the police would laugh at him if he phoned saying you had accussed him of abuse, they have much more to worry about on a saturday night.

 

Can't suggest anything else.

[oracle]

I think that I would be making some of the following people aware of this situation. I would make an urgent appointment with whoever your son sees re his ASD and talk about the concerns that you have with your ex. He is way out of order and I have to say that I am left wondering by his behaviour if he too could be somewhere on the spectrum? However that is irrelevant what he is doing is relevant.

 

I think that I would also see a solicitor. Maybe a local Carers Centre would know a good solicitor who know child law and maybe even have some knowledge of ASD. There are some around if you look. This guy may need to see his son in a contact centre where the visit is supervised and where, if he turned up half an hour late, it would be recorded, and also likewise if he was working and opted out of a visit.

 

To be honest with you it's your ex's problem if your son does talk about what happened today at school and that is why I would be making appointments with the relevant people so that if you are asked about this you are ahead of the game.

 

Carole

[oracle]

I think that I would be making some of the following people aware of this situation. I would make an urgent appointment with whoever your son sees re his ASD and talk about the concerns that you have with your ex. He is way out of order and I have to say that I am left wondering by his behaviour if he too could be somewhere on the spectrum? However that is irrelevant what he is doing is relevant.

 

I think that I would also see a solicitor. Maybe a local Carers Centre would know a good solicitor who know child law and maybe even have some knowledge of ASD. There are some around if you look. This guy may need to see his son in a contact centre where the visit is supervised and where, if he turned up half an hour late, it would be recorded, and also likewise if he was working and opted out of a visit.

 

To be honest with you it's your ex's problem if your son does talk about what happened today at school and that is why I would be making appointments with the relevant people so that if you are asked about this you are ahead of the game.

 

I would also try and stay as calm as possible because maybe he enjoys winding you up. Take control here and make sure you it stays with you. If the police arrive - which I doubt - then make the points to them that you have here and also register your concerns with them.

 

Carole

Edited January 14, 2006 by carole

[jools_71]

No marks - I think he more stood with his heels on the floor and his toes on my sons arms to stop him getting up ... I dont think he was deliberately trying to hurt him and I told him that. I think its a case of him not knowing how to deal with things and doing what was done to him as a child.

 

My ex does have lawyer friends but then again so do I. I am more concerned with the fact that he will not see he is over-reacting and making the situation far worse than it should ever have been and is putting any chance of a relationship between him and my son at risk.

[Tensing]

How does your son feel about seeing his Dad?

[UltraMum]

jools_71 - I haven't any more advice for you than Carole's but just to say I'm thinking of you as you cope with this really difficult situation.

Eve

[stressed out mum]

Hi Jools _71

 

Talk to your son, how does he feel about seeing his dad?

 

If you or your son feel uncomfortable about having contact with his father the don't allow it unless supervised.

[Fagsandbooze]

When i read your post my first thought was, Your son is describing an innocent play fight with his dad but because he has as he hasn't understood that it was his dad being playful. An Nt child may not have even mentioned it.BUT you know this man and your son, if you have any doubts about his safety don't let this man any where near him.

[lindy-lou]

the fact that the father is saying his son is a liar would be enough for me,we all know ASD kids can exaggerate things but thats too graphic to be made up IMO ,i think mediation is the best way forward,his father has to want to do the best thing by his child,which means learning about and understanding his condition and learning to deal with his behaviours,or else it isnt going to be a healthy relationship for the child,which is what matters.

[loulou]

Hi Jools,

 

<'>

 

I really empathise with your situation. Reading about your ex, he sounds very similar to my ex (same situation with break up too). The way he is treating you and speaking to you is emotional abuse. My ex is the same, everthing is twisted around so i get the blame, and he tells me i am going mad.

 

I think you have to think long and hard about whether this man is a positive role model for your son.

 

All the best,

 

Loulou x

[baddad]

Hi jools -

couldn't possibly comment on the 'background' to this for obvious reasons, but i do think that sometimes we have to make decisions for our kids, even if we know the consequences of that are likely to come back and bite us on the bum...

If your son has AS then there's a chance that he will be less 'bothered' about the social norms of his relationship with his dad, and that sporadic, uneven contact is not that problematic. if you son is highly routine dependent, though, and is very socially 'aware' but overly formal, there could be some very negative aspects of such contact.

I think the best thing is to seek professional advice, and to if necessary ask the court to apply some simple but helpful groundrules...i.e. phone 2 days in advance to arrange contact (hardly a problem for most people) and a solid expectation that any arrangements made are a FIRST priority, only for change in exceptional circumstances. With that, the balls in his court...

If he can't or won't comply with those sort of groundrules, then you'll have to make the decision for him, based on your own (and any expert) evaluation of your son's needs.

Obviously, as a single dad I am a COMPLETE advocate for single father's (or mums come to that) who live apart from their kids, but do not think that their needs are the be all and end all...

Hope that's helpful

BD

[jools_71]

Thanks to everyone for their input.

 

At the moment with emotions running high it has been hard for me to think clearly but the points raised have been extremely helpful to me. I personally feel that stopping visitation completely would be the easiest solution. His father is either late for visits due to work or just too busy to make the visits at all. If he fights for his rights to visitation, which I actually think highly unlikely, then supervised visits arranged through a mediation centre would be the only solution as I just cannot bear to be in the same building as him anymore. I will call my social worker Monday morning to have a chat with her about the situation.

 

My son says he does not want to see his father but at the moment he is still hurt and upset but more by the fact that his father calls him a liar than anything else. I think I will let the dust settle for a few days and speak to him again on this.

 

Thanks again, I appreciate the help and understanding.

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Jools,

 

<'> <'> <'> I know you must be really disappointed with your ex. I agree with Carole & Baddad or could I say from going through this first hand with my ex.

 

Your ex is in denial about the ASD, he probably has it himself, I remember when I tried to talk to my ex or recommend books he'd just toss them in the corner saying there is nothing wrong with our son, it is your parentting skills. Even thought I went to every parenting course and read half a dozen books of Raising children and their self esteem, toddler training, parent effective training to name a few.

 

 

I from experience I would visit your sons doctor that diagnosed him with ASD and brief the doctor about this in private, then get him to talk to your boy about it. Then if you need to in the future, you have an authority figure who knows your child and defend you, if worse comes to worse. My sons doctor has been our rock. He has even got on the phone a talked to him at length about my boy to get his understanding of how important routine and calm is for our ASD child.

 

Your child is hurt by the fact that he called him a liar. ASD kids never lie.

 

Whatever you do, you know there are many here praying for you. If your child feels unsafe he is old enough to tell you now. Perhaps you could give your ex one more chance in the near future. Only if it is your childs wish.

 

I spoke to a Principal at a special needs school about my ex as he was trying to educate me about my sons ASD and I remember him telling me ways to handle my ex, who was a real short fuse, and set about to ruin my self esteem like your ex is doing. He said whenever he tries to press your button, GIVE HIM A NO REACTION, REACTION. jUST DON'T REACT TO HIS POISON.

 

He suggested my ex pick up my kids from school, so I didn't have to see him, he had so much guilt because he left for another woman and was putting it all on my shoulders, as he was miserable, and wanted to come back and I refused to take him back.

 

He is an emotional cripple, just setting out to inflict his pain on you. He needs counselling. I hope you have a good network of support around you, as I know first hand there will be ups and downs. <'> <'> <'>

 

Try a day at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself and your child a big hug, you deserve it. You have done nothing wrong, but they always go for the button of blaming your parenting skills. DON'T REACT.

 

Take up meditation, swimming or a hobby. There will be rough times ahead. But ten times worse if you react to his poison.

 

Take care

 

Love

Hailey <'> <'> <'>