Should I replace broken toys

[neda]

My little boy's obsessions are buzz lightyear and robots. In frustration he throws his toys with all his strength on to the floor. As a result the new buzz lightyear figure and the new transformer robot we bought him have both been broken in the last week. He is particularly upset just now about the robot and I know I could buy him another but the same thing will happen. I've been telling him that he needs to stop throwing them as he is the person breaking them but obviously in frustration he couldn't really care less but is then inconsolable.

 

Should I replace them.

[Paula]

Ive replaced many a broken toy.

 

How about saveing the broken ones for throwing purposes and buying new ones to replace them.Perhaps have a toy bag that containes toys just for chucking and breaking.maybe that would work.

[neda]

Thanks Paula, great idea but at the moment his meltdowns are more frequent and severe, I don't think he would look for another bag, he throws whatever is to hand.

 

The other night a clothes rail which is sitting in my hall full of clothes got tipped over, on other occasions I've seen him lift stools to throw them. Just wasn't sure if me replacing them was helping him as may give him the message its okay to do this and I'll replace them.

 

I haven't replaced either of these yet but he has asked for a new robot.

[Canopus]

My parents would only ever buy a tube of glue when a toy got broken.

[puffin]

Why not get him to "save up" for the new toy by good behaviour - that he gets a sticker (or whatever) for good behaviour or trying to control outbursts and when he's got 10 or 20 or so you will replace one toy.

 

Double sticker if he manages to control and outburst - for example throw a cushion/take deep breaths etc

Edited January 25, 2006 by puffin

[Paula]

My son used to run at the tv and try to overturn that.He was like a caged animal desperatly looking for an outlet for the anger/frustration god knows.How do we know when they cant explaine whats upsetting them.

 

As hes got older he now tends to stomp of up to his room bang the door a few times and pucnch his favourite teddy bear.He does tend to say im sorry mummy later on when hes calmed down.I just give him a hug if hell let me and say hey it dont matter we love yer no matter what.

 

I always replaced the broken stuff.Some might say i shouldnt have done but you do what yer think is right.

Edited January 25, 2006 by Paula

[Elanor]

The other night a clothes rail which is sitting in my hall full of clothes got tipped over, on other occasions I've seen him lift stools to throw them. Just wasn't sure if me replacing them was helping him as may give him the message its okay to do this and I'll replace them.

 

Hi Neda

 

I don't really think that you would be sending a message that it is okay to break his toys. If the toys were broken during an irrational incident brought on by distress/overload (ultimately caused by his autism), then he didn't intend to break the toy that he cared for. If it was a sibling's toy, that would be a different matter - my point is that he probably never deliberately intended to cause the damage.

 

Furthermore, if he's in a serious tantrum or meltdown, then he won't be in enough control to exercise 'learned' behaviours.

 

To me, whether you replace it is a question of money, not retribution. The real question is why is his behaviour deteriorating.

 

Elanor

[neda]

This has been going on for last 10 days and I believe it is the fall back from the two weeks Xmas holiday. they returned on 9th January and he seemed ok for the first week, think maybe relieved to be back. But since last week its as if it has hit him like a train. He is waking up in the morning and I can tell within minutes if it will be a hard day with him. This morning at 6.45am he was climbing sisters bunk bed ladder and falling off. Girls were telling him to go to his own room as they are not allowed in his room. When I took him back to his own room this was the start of his meltdowns for the day and his new toy robot was thrown on the floor and the head broke off. Today has been the best of the last 10 days so I'm hoping he is settling down again now he is used to the change. Unfortunately they have half term in 4 weeks so its will all come about again. He has asked for a new one again so next time I'm in the shop I'll pick one up for him. He's still a bit young to be completing star charts etc... so I'll see how he goes over the next couple of weeks.

 

Thanks for all your replies.

Edited January 25, 2006 by neda

[stressedmumto2]

My son is the same, will throw and break anything in anger, alot of the time he doesn't seem to bothered by what he has broken aswell.

 

I wont replace his things if he wants something again he has to earn it back by using a reward chart.

 

I hope that one day he will realise he is breaking so many of his things at the moment I have moved all of his toys out of his room. He broke his wardrobe and bookshelf the other day so that is out aswell and the broken windows are boarded up.

 

I have brought a punch bag and mats for him to hit when he goes into a rage but I think he much prefers to break something.

[neda]

We tried the punchbag too but he is not interested, that just got thrown around the room when angry/frustrated but never punched at. He's not far off breaking the windows he has thrown plates, cups and frisbees as well as a host of other stuff at them, although some of the time when he is doing this he thinks it is funny and doesn't stop when you tell him too, he laughs really hard as if its hilarious and is oblivious to reprimands or change of tone of voice etc... The toys only tend to get thrown in frustration/anger though. I had to remove his lego set today, he emptied the 1500 piece set over my living room floor and refused to pick it up. I told him if he didn't pick it up or help me to pick it up I'd put it in the bin, he still refused to help me. When I questioned him do you want mummy to put this in the bin he said yeah. I've hidden it away but he hasn't even asked about it so its not even as if he is has realisation that this happened.

[lil_me]

With all children, but more so with those on the spectrum, whatever you say you must follow through. If you say its getting binned, then do it. Until he believes your threats he'll carry on, my son was the same. Star charts I use with children from 2+ with good results but every child is different. I would suggest trying these first maybe as he may respond very well, but you do need to keep these consitant for about 3 weeks usually to see an effect. Going through trying to help him work out when he's getting angry as children see angry and happy as that with no grey area, so you need to try to help him understand when he's getting angry, much easier with him having language as this is extremly complicated with non verbal children. If he can recognise when he's starting to loose his temper he can control where and when he does it better, my son managed this with help from about 5, it isn't always perfect but much better. Once he can understand being angry means put the toy down as if it breaks it won't be replaced, he might stop doing it. Took a lot of work to get past this with my son but replacing a Gameboy Advance/DS weekly at least gets to the stage you just can't afford it and it has to stop. A quiet safe area might also be an idea if he's becoming dangerous with other items, I think I would be putting all plates etc out of his reach for now. If he's laughing he may be seeing this as a game and you are just the toy he's playing with, my son can't even break a smile when he's in a rage and trying to break things.

Edited January 25, 2006 by lil_me

[neda]

I've been putting the throwing down to him not understanding the consequences of his behaviour which has also been noted by the nursery. Its as if he doesn't understand the damage he could do, even if I tell him he could break the window, he just starts with the why why why questions. The plates and cups he uses are plastic and the frisbee is in the bin. I do understand the no smiling in a rage as my son is the same, its as if there is a blackness there when he has his meltdowns. I did get out a star chart this evening to talk to him about it but he had no interest in this so wouldn't even look at me. I'm going to try getting him to put the toy down, he does have his quiet space in his bedroom but unfortunately that means there are things in there that get wrecked too, but that is preferable to him lashing out at us.

[OPooh]

I've been putting the throwing down to him not understanding the consequences of his behaviour which has also been noted by the nursery. Its as if he doesn't understand the damage he could do, even if I tell him he could break the window, he just starts with the why why why questions. The plates and cups he uses are plastic and the frisbee is in the bin. I do understand the no smiling in a rage as my son is the same, its as if there is a blackness there when he has his meltdowns. I did get out a star chart this evening to talk to him about it but he had no interest in this so wouldn't even look at me. I'm going to try getting him to put the toy down, he does have his quiet space in his bedroom but unfortunately that means there are things in there that get wrecked too, but that is preferable to him lashing out at us.

 

He needs to learn the why - do you explain why? Look on the internet for scientific explanations if need be (I often have this with my ds) and I think the saving up and replacing them himself is a good way of helping him to see the effect his behaviour has.

[lil_me]

The way we did it with my son, might not work with yours

 

 

Colourful reward chart - I got the blank look at first but once we started using it he soon twigged on. Make it visual, let him choose what he gets (within reason) for filling the chart and put a picture of it on the bottom (yes thats why my argos books have chunks missing) You can if needs be use something that can be removed from the chart if you wish to use that to prevent the bad behaviour. You can put a PECS symbol with a smile for good, an image of what you want him to do (if its bed time etc the bed) or a symbol signifying a broken item with a cross through to symbolise what you don't want and he will be rewarded if he doesn't do. We always have to remember these kids are very visual.

 

Others you can use - beads in a jar, one given for good behaviour, one taken for bad if you wish, money in a box, same applies.

 

Making them realise - When I said it's going in the bin, it went. When I said I will not replace it until you earn it, I did it. When I said nothing is replaced until you stop, I did it.

 

Breaking things - I broke a plate (good old charity shop) in front of him to show him how it breaks, same with a glass, explained then that the windows are made of glass. This was the only 'real' way I could explain to him why, and it seemed to do the trick.

 

Safety zone - Take anything breakable I didn't want broken out. Making a real safety zone, only the window in a door was left he could really damage.

 

Asking questions - This was the mind blower, asking him how he felt before he lost it completely, my son said his head started hurting eventually. So I said right when it starts hurting thats when you put everything down. Thats when you goto your quiet space.

 

 

This wasn't an instant cure and wasn't easy, he's my son and I want him to be happy, but I was making things worse by giving in too much. He isn't perfect now, we have a major issue with smashing glasses as he doesn't give a monkeys if I replace them or not, but it made things much easier.

Edited January 25, 2006 by lil_me

[microsoft_admin]

i dont have to pay for them lol my mum does she got 6k in her red box you know

[neda]

He needs to learn the why - do you explain why? Look on the internet for scientific explanations if need be (I often have this with my ds) and I think the saving up and replacing them himself is a good way of helping him to see the effect his behaviour has.

 

I do explain why each time, but them I'm bombarded by the why questions which go on and on, which I have been answering, he'll be four next week so I'm going to ask some of family members to get him new ones as presents rather than me replacing them. He just wouldn't get the saving and replacing thing for himself.

 

The upshot of the broken robot is that he never had a toy to take to nursery as he only wanted the robot, couldn't be persuaded by his buzz lightyear. Anyway, gets in to nursery and he was like a tornado arriving, library books which were in boxes beside him got tipped, I got hit while I was down at his level talking to him. Finally thought I had him calmed, took him in asked him to pick his badge and he cleared the table. SEN came to him immediately and he bolted out of the room and lets out full pelt screams in hall before running to toilet and banging doors of wall. SEN told me to go and she would calm him down. Got call 30 minutes later to say they had problems getting him to calm down and he had now fallen asleep could I come and get him. Arrives to be told that he had hit the SEN full force with a punch, this incident has now been logged as him using physical force. There was me wishing I'd just replaced the robot but I still haven't. He is away to nursery today with a buzz lightyear with 2 arms, wings and a head missing as this was the only one he would take.

 

Lil me thanks for your chart tips.